- Live from Houston, TX

- Your hosts are Jim Ross & Paul Heyman

- So this is it, the peak of North American wrestling and the point from which you can draw a clear line downwards again, quality-wise. This is the start of the current "Stadium show Wrestlemania" format, as well as the four hour format. After the show myself and many others called it the greatest PPV of all-time, but does it hold up 8 years later? Note for those wondering: This show is coming up on 24/7 next week, but I'd rather watch the unedited DVD version.

For fun, we'll start with the Heat match from the DVD extras…

Grandmaster Sexay & Steve Blackman v. X-Pac & Justin Credible

Brawl to start and Too Lethal clears the ring, but Albert clotheslines Sexay, allowing X-Pac to hit a spinkick and take over. Credible yanks him out of the corner with a powerbomb and X-Pac gets another spinkick, but Sexay gets a double-clothesline and makes the somewhat hot tag to Blackman. Blackman faceplants Credible, but goes after Albert, allowing X-Factor to hit him with a double superkick for the pin at 2:44. Well I'm pretty sure this won't affect my evaluation of the show one way or the other. 1/2*

Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Commissioner William Regal

The video package is much appreciated here as I totally forget this whole era. Jericho attacks and hits a leg lariat to put Regal on the floor, then follows with a pescado that overshoots by about a foot. Well, can't fault him for enthusiasm. Back in, Jericho gets a back elbow off the top for two. Regal tries to take him down by the leg, but Jericho counters into the Walls, and Regal kicks out of it. He directs Jericho into the post, twice, and uses a nice wristlock takedown to work the arm. Regal works him over like a mechanic, but Jericho elbows out and tries the Lionsault, which hits knee. Regal rolls him up for two off that miss. Release german gets two. Regal removes the turnbuckle and sends the shoulder into the STEEL, then throws some nasty high kicks to pound on the shoulder. Jericho fights him off with an enzuigiri and they're into the hard-hitting offense tonight, and follows with a missile dropkick for two. He charges and runs himself into the post again, allowing Regal to bring him out of the corner with a rare butterfly superplex, which gets two. Jericho escapes a backdrop suplex and goes for the Walls again, but Regal hits the bad shoulder and counters into the Regal Stretch. Jericho makes the ropes and fights back with HARD chops, but Regal kicks his face off. Jericho sends him into his own exposed turnbuckle, however, and bulldogs him to set up the Lionsault for the pin at 7:07. Well that was kind of out of nowhere, but it was clean and made sense at least. These guys were just beating the hell out of each other here and loving it. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Shane McMahon arrives in his WCW limo.

Right to Censor (Val Venis, Bull Buchanan & The Goodfather) v. The APA & Tazz

Steven Richards gets his ass kicked in the initial brawl, and Bull gets a springboard clothesline on Faarooq to start. Faarooq powerslams him for two and Tazz comes in with a suplex, but Bull boots him down. Val comes in with a legsweep for two. Goodfather drops the leg and follows with a backdrop suplex for two and the Ho Train (or whatever the heel version was called), but a pump splash misses. Hot tag Bradshaw (who reminds JR of Dick Murdoch & Stan Hansen, although these days it's more like Ted Dibiase minus the talent) and the brawl erupts again. Bradshaw brings Val to the top for a backdrop superplex, but Bull breaks up the pin and powerbombs Bradshaw. Goodfather sets up for another Ho Train, but the Clothesline from Hell finishes at 4:15. Short and energetic enough to hide all the weak points. **

Meanwhile, Trish (in her phase as Vince's mistress) wheels a catatonic Linda into the arena (but how do you tell the difference?) and gets bitched out by a decidedly smaller-boobed Stephanie. So weird to see her looking all normal.

WWF Hardcore title: Raven v. Big Show v. Kane

Raven attacks Kane before Show even enters, but gets nowhere. Kane tosses Raven at Show on the floor and then hits them both with a flying clothesline, and we head into the crowd already. The difference between Big Show here and Big Show today is amazing, by the way, as he's clearly both in shape and sporting muscle definition here, although whether it's muscles or "muscles" is left to the reader to decide. So backstage we go and Show slams Kane onto a pile of pallets and locks Raven into a supply closet of some sort, which Kane quickly breaks into. Raven wisely stands back while Kane takes out Show, and then attempts to choke him out with a rubber hose. Sadly, he doesn't put it up Kane's nose, but Kane does throw Raven through a WINDOW. Kane and Show fight over a chokeslam (Show, clearly not afraid of telegraphing his move, yells out "Chokeslam, right here on the floor!" which I'm hoping isn't calling spots. Although he'd still be quieter than Ken Shamrock). Then things get silly as Raven charges in, driving a golf cart, but Kane steals in and runs him down. So over to the catering table for a couple of spots and we're back to the stage again. Show tries to press Raven off the stage, but Kane boots them both through another stage and pins Show to win the title at 9:23. These matches just don't hold up anymore, although there was enough crazy bumps to make it a fun match. **

Meanwhile, Edge & Christian debate semantics with a zoned-in Kurt Angle.

Meanwhile, the Rock arrives to a decidedly mixed reaction. Who arrives at Wrestlemania 40 minutes into the show?

European title: Test v. Eddie Guerrero

Well this is a lot sadder all of a sudden. Test fights off the Eddie attack and powerbombs him for two, and they brawl outside. Back in, Eddie slugs away in the corner, but Test presses him into the corner for two. Test with a back elbow and he goes up, but Eddie tries to bring him down with a rana and fails badly. Test comes down with a flying elbow for two. Speaking of failing badly, Test charges and is supposed to bump over the top rope, but trips and gets himself tied up in the ropes, leaving Eddie to stop and free him so they can continue. That's a pretty embarrassing time and place to screw up like that. The look on Eddie's face is pretty funny though, as he gives kind of a "what can you do?" shrug to the crowd. So back in, Eddie makes the best of it and starts working the injured right leg and then gets a sleeper. Test fights out with a tilt a whirl slam, and then another one that turns into a pretty wicked powerbomb for two. Blind charge hits elbow and Eddie goes low, allowing Perry Saturn to run in with the MOSS COVERED THREE HANDLED FAMILY GREDUNZA~! It's kind of stretching credibility to say that the ref wouldn't have seen that. Eddie misses the frog splash, however, and Test comes back with the Niagara driver for two. He boots both Eddie and Saturn down and gets two, but now Dean Malenko breaks it up. Test gets rid of him as well, but Eddie hits him with the belt and pins him to win it at 8:04. Kind of a mess, but not a total disaster or anything thanks to Eddie keeping his cool. **1/4

Meanwhile, Steve Austin arrives now, an hour into the show. Man, those guys are so gonna get fired when Vince finds out.

Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit

This is my first Benoit match since the tribute show, so I figured I might as well make it a good one. Angle takes him down and they go into a swanky mat wrestling sequence, but it's a stalemate. Angle takes him down again and neither can gain dominance. Angle with a double-leg takedown and they wrap each other up on the mat, but end up in the ropes for the break. Angle takes him down again, but this time Benoit hooks the crossface and Angle has to make the ropes. Angle shoots in again and Benoit hooks the crossface again, forcing Angle to bail and escape. Back in, Benoit shoots in and crossfaces him again, but Angle makes the ropes and then blindsides him with a forearm to take over. To the floor, and he sends Benoit into the stairs, and back in for a snap suplex that gets two. Angle pounds away in the corner, but Benoit fires back with the chops, so Angle fires off the belly to belly suplex. A great little Angle moment as he headfakes Benoit with a whip attempt and then turns it back into another belly to belly. Benoit clotheslines him down again, and they slug it out in the corner, with Benoit winning that exchange. Benoit elbows him down for two. Snap suplex gets two. Superplex gets two. Rolling germans, but Angle rolls into the anklelock, which Benoit reverses into his own. Angle gets flustered and charges in, which allows Benoit to take him down with the crossface, but he's awesome enough to reverse to his own, forcing Benoit to make the ropes. Ref gets bumped and Benoit gets the crossface for the phantom tapout, but reviving the ref allows Angle to hit the Angle Slam for two. He goes up for the Anglesault, but hits the knees and allows Benoit to go up with the diving headbutt, for two. Angle goes low and they do another wrestling sequence, but Angle hooks the tights and gets the pin at 14:01. This was like a stand-up comic telling an epic 15 minute joke and then forgetting the punchline, as the finish felt like it was attached with a soldering iron. A great example of the "something for everyone" feel of this show, as they did a technical battle, into a brawl, a series of reversals and counters, and if it had a finish it would have been a classic. Still great, though, especially with the trading of finishers and obsession with submission wrestling that would come to define both their careers leading up to the epic 2003 rematch at Royal Rumble. ****1/4

Meanwhile, William Regal has problems with Kamala besmirching his office.

WWF Women's title: Ivory v. Chyna

This is the payoff for the retarded angle with Chyna's "neck injury" at Royal Rumble, although Chyna was basically so far above the star power level of everyone in the division that a broken neck was the only way anyone would buy Ivory as any kind of threat to win. This was also the downfall of Chyna, as her ego was, to say the least, wildly out of proportion to her worth at this point and resulted in her departure from the company. Ivory attacks her with the belt and pounds on the neck, but Chyna basically shrugs her off and backdrops her. Powerbomb gets two, as Chyna picks her up. Gorilla press finishes at 2:38 as Chyna completely squashed her and treated her like a joke. DUD To the shock of many, Trish Stratus would successfully revive the women's division after Chyna buried it completely. I will say, however, that at least this was short and paid off the storyline in logical fashion, because no one was going to buy offense from Ivory anyway.

Street Fight: Shane McMahon v. Vince McMahon

To give you an idea of the awesome stakes here, Shane's newly purchased WCW is banished to a skybox way up in the Astrodome, with a graphic saying "WCW wrestlers" to identify them and nothing else. It didn't get much better for them. Mick Foley is the special ref here. At this point in the bizarre, bizarre era for the promotion, Vince was the heel and invading WCW owner Shane was the babyface, which lasted not very long until they realized how ass-backwards it was and changed it. Vince slugs away in the corner to start, but Shane spears him down and drops elbows, prompting Steph to come in and call off her brother. Shane is having none of that and baseball slides Vince out of the ring, then beats on him with a sign and chokes him out with a power cable. Shane finds the kendo stick and gives Vince a quality beatdown with that, then the dancing punches to put him down. He puts Vince on the dreaded Spanish Announce Table and goes up, but the elbow misses and Shane goes through it himself. And then we really ramp up the soap opera as Trish wheels Linda out and slaps Vince, then gets into a catfight with Stephanie as I'm just totally lost as to who I was supposed to be cheering for at the time. So the girls fight back to the dressing room and Mick tries to get Linda out of there, but Vince attacks with a chair and knocks him out. This leaves Vince free to drag Linda into the ring to witness his final destruction of Shane with a series of garbage cans previously unknown to mankind. NO HUMAN BEING CAN SURVIVE THREE GARBAGE CANS! However, Linda rises up as if from the dead and kicks Vince in the nuts, then Mick beats the hell out of Vince for the previous wrongs done unto him, and Shane wraps things up with a Shane Terminator (which, pre-RVD for the WWF, had no name) at 14:11. I…don't really know what to think of this anymore. A lot of the initial appeal was in the moment of the big angle surrounding it, and taken out of that context 8 years later, it's left as not much of a match. It was big and stupid and generally enjoyable, though, so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. ***

WWF World tag team titles: The Dudley Boyz v. The Hardy Boyz v. Edge & Christian

I've gotta say, we're only two hours into this and already we've had what would be show-stealing classics on any other PPV. Big brawl to start and the Dudleyz hit Christian with a flapjack, but the Hardyz double-team the Dudleyz. E&C use a ladder and take out everyone else, then hang Matt in the Tree of Woe and stomp on his nuts. The Dudleyz pound on Christian outside while Edge makes a go for the belts, but Matt hauls him down and climbs. Edge clotheslines him off the ladder and tries again, but now Jeff dropkicks him off and the Hardyz baseball slide the Dudleyz on the outside. Matt hits a yodeling legdrop off the ladder, but the Dudleyz get rid of him and it's Whazzup off the ladders. D-Von gets the tables, and Bubba powerbombs Jeff onto Edge, through a table. Well there's your first highlight spot. The Dudz set up four tables on the floor while Paul E runs through the family history of the Dudleyz for an unimpressed JR, but they stop and head in. Three ladders get set up in the ring and everyone climbs, and you just know this is going to end badly. And indeed everyone bumps off. This allows Spike Dudley to run in and hit E&C with Acid Drops, leaving Jeff Hardy to climb. But now Rhyno comes in on behalf of E&C and it's GOAR GOAR GOAR for the Hardy Boyz and Dudley Boyz. And of course Lita joins the fun and pulls Edge off the ladder, before hitting Rhyno with a rana. The Dudleyz hit the Dudley Device on Rhyno and Lita's so fired up she starts stripping, but the Dudleyz hit her with 3D to get rid of her. That allows Edge to destroy everyone with chairs as this is just unmitigated craziness, and speaking of which Jeff sets up a ginormous ladder and puts both Spike and Rhyno through a table on the floor with a swanton. The super-ladder gets set up in the ring and D-Von races Christian up to the belts, but Matt pulls the ladder out and they're stuck hanging on the ring. Both hit the mat and Jeff climbs another series of ladders and tries to walk to the belts, but everything falls over and ruins the spot. He tries again and also hangs from the loop, which allows Edge to climb up and SPEAR HIM TO THE MAT. That is fucking epic, man. I'm shocked no one had thought of that kind of spot before this. So next it's Matt and Bubba fighting up there, but Rhyno shoves them over and they go through the four tables outside. So D-Von is left alone against E&C, as Rhyno boosts Christian up and Edge holds onto D-Von, which allows Christian to claim the tag titles back at 15:45. Total insanity and some of the craziest, most creative ladder match bumps I've ever seen, which now looks like a template for Money in the Bank. It set the stage and still delivers! *****

Gimmick Battle Royale

Before the era of WWE 24/7 and their constant navel-gazing for nostalgia fans, this was their first crack at it. Commentary is provided by Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan. So the participants are the Bushwackers, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese (looking like he's still ready for a job), The Iron Sheik, Earthquake, The Goon, Doink the Clown, Kamala (complete with Harvey Wippleman), Repo Man, Jim Cornette, Nikolai Volkoff, Michael Hayes (with "Badstreet USA"), One Man Gang (what, no Akeem?), Tugboat, Hillbilly Jim, Brother Love, Sgt. Slaughter and the Gobbledygooker. The actual match is immaterial, because the point was just the entrances and giving everyone one last Wrestlemania payoff. And sadly in Quake's case, it was his last one. Everyone just kind of takes gentle bumps out of there in rapid fashion, leaving the awesome final four of Sarge, Love, Hillbily and Sheik, and Sheik throws them all out to win at 3:00 because he's the only one who can't take a bump out of the ring. Slaughter gives him the cobra clutch for old time's sake afterwards.

HHH v. Undertaker

And don't we all miss HHH's stylish "jean jacket over leather jacket" look? This was supposed to involve Shawn Michaels to set up his return, but he showed up in the old "no condition to perform" and lost his spot. I'm actually quite curious to see if removing this match from my HHH and Undertaker hate at that time has improved it or even affected it. This is the first of many appearances of Motorhead, playing HHH down to the ring. HHH is unfortunately not able to time his dramatic water spit properly to the live version, but I'm sure he forgave Lemmy. Undertaker was using the shitty Limp Bizkit entrance at this point, which will not be on the 24/7 version I'm sure. They slug it out on the floor right away and destroy ANOTHER Spanish table. That's gotta be a rib. Into the ring and HHH gets the high knee, but Undertaker pounds on him and backdrops him. Corner clothesline as HHH sells like crazy, and that sets up a powerslam and an elbow that misses. He gets the flying clothesline, however, and we go Old School, but HHH yanks him down to counter. Neckbreaker gets two. He pounds on the neck and gets another neckbreaker for two. Facecrusher and he grabs his trusty sledgehammer, but the ref won't let him use it. Pedigree attempt is reversed into a catapult and the ref is already bumped, as Undertaker gets the chokeslam for two. UT is upset about the cadence of the count, so he beats up the ref and we proceed without him. HHH takes the quite the bump to the floor and then another one into the crowd, and they head deep into the Astrodome for the brawl. In a unique spot, they fight into the actual sound mixing area, where HHH finds a chair and beats the hell out of UT with it. This is a LOT more brutal-looking than the usual "hardcore" sequences you'd see in matches like this, which is a nice touch.

UT revives and chokeslams HHH off the scaffolding, however, and luckily the camera can't see the crash pad. The replay kind of ruins the mystique. Taker follows with an elbow and beats up the well-meaning EMTs and they head back to the ring, as JR is concerned about the well-being of the poor ref who's been unconscious for going on 5 minutes now. He knew the risks when he donned that striped shirt. So now Undertaker has the hammer, but HHH goes low, then runs into a big boot. They slug it out in dramatic fashion and HHH tries a tombstone, but UT counters to his own. And there's still no ref. UT revives him (obviously never having taken first aid before) and sets up for the Last Ride, but HHH grabs the sledgehammer on the way up and knocks Taker out with it. That's an awesome spot, but it only gets two. Taker starts bleeding and HHH makes the all-time bonehead move and pounds away in the corner, which allows Taker to bring him down with the Last Ride to finish at 18:54. Yeah, I completely short-changed this one originally, as I was way more into the drama and hatred this time around. Hard work from both here, back when HHH could still go and was still willing to job clean as a sheet when needed. ****

And how can you follow that? With this…

WWF World title: The Rock v. Steve Austin

Austin gets the superstar pop to end all of them. Austin attacks and they immediately try to hit each other with Stunners, but brawl out to the floor instead. Into the crowd and they trade shots into the table, but Austin puts him down with a clothesline and they head back in. Austin chokes away on the ropes and gets two, then gets a superplex for two. Austin, clearly playing a heel despite the cheers, pulls the turnbuckle off, but Rock slugs back and gets the clothesline and belly to belly for two. He clotheslines Austin to the floor, but gets a ringbell in the face as a result. Austin beats on Rock in the wreckage of the tables, then back in for more punishment as the crowd eats it all up. Rock fights back, but Austin gets a neckbreaker for two. He pounds away on the mat and then stomps a mudhole in the corner, but Rock blasts out of there with a clothesline for HUGE boos. They slug it out and Rock sends Austin into the exposed turnbuckle and retrieves the bell while Austin blades. He puts Austin down with that, for two. Rock pounds him down with huge shots and Austin won't go down, so Rock drags him to the apron and pounds on him to bring him to the floor. They slug it out there and Austin drops Rock on the railing and gives Rock the greatest catapult into the post I've ever seen. I mean, Rock bounced off that sucker head-first and flew three feet. Austin follows with a monitor to the head, and back into the ring for two. Rock is up so Austin tries the Stunner, but stops to flip him off first, which allows Rock to take him down with the Sharpshooter. And now Rock's fanbase gets more vocal as Austin finally makes the ropes. Another try at it, but Rock also makes the mistake of flipping off Austin, and now Austin gets his own Sharpshooter. Rock powers out of that, so Austin goes to work on the leg and does it again. And Rock makes the ropes this time, to big heel heat.

Then we really get old school as Austin hooks the Million Dollar Dream, but Rock uses the Bret Hart counter for two. Austin pounds on the tired Rock, but it's ROCK WHAM STUNNER for two. And now Vince McMahon heads out as they slug it out, and Austin gets a spinebuster for two. Rock gets his own to set up the People's Elbow, but Vince pulls him off at two. Rock chases, and walks into a Rock Bottom from Austin, for two. He tries the stunner, but the ref is bumped, so Austin goes low instead. So Austin calls Vince in there with a chair and they blast Rock with it, but it only gets two, so Rock revives and hits Rock Bottom, then goes to beat up Vince. However, it's KICK WHAM STUNNER and that should have been your finish. It gets two and Vince gives Austin a chair, and he blasts Rock for two. Finally he just destroys Rock with the chair, pounding him into nothingness, and pins him to win the belt at 28:07. Still awesome, still the two biggest stars in the history of the WWF at the peak of their powers. ****3/4 Of course, this was also the moment that officially ended the Attitude Era, with Austin doing an ill-advised heel turn and the company transitioning into the god-awful WCW Invasion instead of, you know, continuing to try to make money.

So is it still the greatest PPV I've ever seen? YES. I love it even more, as I was just as tremendously entertained by this viewing as I was on the first one, and that's a truly magical show to be able to do that. All the finishes were clean, everyone was working hard (except for Chyna) and the crowd was incredibly pumped for a stadium crowd.

Best. PPV. Ever.

Until I watch Bash 89 again, then I'll probably change my mind.

Oddly enough, I never did an actual rant on this show last year, so with it airing on WWE 24/7 it seems like a good enough time to revisit it.

- Live from Orlando, FL.

- Your hosts are JR, King, Cole, yada yada.

Belfast Brawl: JBL v. Finlay

I originally watched the show at the movie theater, and the first time that the open air stadium was shown, there was a gasp from the crowd. It's a tad less impressive on the small screen (and cropped to 4 x 3) but still an amazing sight. Quite the opposite of amazing is the video package that sets this up, highlighting 2 minutes of a retarded storyline involving a midget being the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon. JBL attacks to start and boots him down on the floor, but Finlay sends him into the stairs and they head into the ring. Finlay goes right for the plunder, but takes a garbage can in the head as a result. JBL brings the stairs in, but can't get a piledriver on them, as Finlay fires back with the dreaded COOKIE SHEET OF DEATH. That gets two. JBL boots him down again and fires away in the corner with his weak-ass shots, but Hornswoggle gets involved and distracts him. Finlay clubs JBL out of the ring and goes for a table, but can't whip JBL into it. JBL goes out and smacks the midget around, which draws Finlay out for some brawling on the floor, but he dives at JBL and hits a trashcan lid instead. Back in, JBL gets two. He stops to chuck the trashcan at Hornswoggle (and really, who doesn't want to?), but Finlay comes back with more lids. Finlay gets the fireman's carry roll and then sends JBL into the table, but that only gets two. JBL whacks him in the knee with the kendo stick and finishes with the lariat at 9:11, however. And from this we got an endless JBL push that endures to this day. Standard harmless family-friendly "hardcore" match. **1/2

Money In The Bank: John Morrison v. MVP v. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Carlito v. Shelton Benjamin v. Mr. Kennedy

Everyone runs for the ladders to start and MVP steals one and fights off the rest with it. Smart guy. He has a jousting match with Jericho and loses that, but Morrison brings a ladder to the top and then moonsaults everyone else to the floor with it! You'd think physics would be working against you there, too. Kennedy makes the first climb and Jericho stops him and catapults him into the ladder, but that just allows him to climb up easier. Morrison heads up as well and they slug it out, leading to Benjamin joining them for a Tower of Doom spot off the ladder. Carlito tries dumping Shelton off the ladder, but he walks the ropes to block before toppling off anyway. Punk's turn next, but Shelton hauls him off, only to get caught with a GTS. Kennedy hits Punk with a fireman's carry roll onto a ladder to get rid of him, and then MVP kicks Kennedy out. Carlito takes out MVP with a ladder to the knee and climbs for it, but Shelton brings him down and spinkicks him. Shelton climbs, but Kennedy and Carlito tip over the ladder and Shelton takes a flat back bump out of the ring onto a ladder, which is a batshit crazy spot that I hate to see. Morrison clears the ring and climbs for it, but Jericho stops him with the Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder. Kennedy uses that moment to climb himself, but soon we've got four guys slugging it out on top, and they all go down. So everyone's dead and MVP goes for it…but Matt Hardy runs out of the crowd an takes him out with a Twist of Fate off the ladder. You'd think Matt would have climbed and taken the briefcase, but he ended up as ECW champion anyway so he did OK. In retrospect, this was the start of a REALLY bad year for poor MVP. Jericho drops Carlito on a pair of crossed ladders in a weird, contrived spot, allowing Morrison to climb up before getting dumped out, as we whittle away the contenders. Jericho climbs and gets an apple in the face from Carlito, but Kennedy gets rid of Carlito. Punk takes him out with a mini-ladder, but Jericho gets a Codebreaker to get rid of Punk. But Punk isn't that easy to kill, as he climbs up and fights it out with Jericho on top of the ladder. Jericho hits Punk with the case, but gets hung up in the ladder and Punk wins Money in the Bank at 13:56. And obviously that worked out quite well for him. I wasn't really blown away by this, as it seemed to be spot-setup-spot-setup-spot without any real connecting thread, but then with 7 guys in there it's nearly impossible to do anything but a series of one-on-one vignettes. ***1/2

Umaga v. Batista

The Battle for Brand Supremacy! Which is funny considering that Batista switched brands right after this. Batista powers Umaga out of the ring, but walks into a leg lariat back in the ring. A big boot puts Batista on the floor. Back in, big splash gets two. Umaga whips him into the corner and yells a lot, as samoans are wont to do, and they do a lazy slugfest to set up the NERVE PINCH OF DEATH from Umaga. C'mon, this is the BATTLE FOR BRAND SUPREMACY, put some effort into it. Umaga goes up and misses a headbutt by a mile, but Batista can't slam him. Too bad, because if he had, well, I don't need to tell you how that might have affected the supremacy of the brands. So it's back to the neck massage as Batista will if nothing else be thoroughly relaxed by the end of the match, and Umaga gets a samoan drop for two. Batista, and by extension ALL OF SMACKDOWN, makes the comeback as fans sarcastically do the "boo/yay" thing, actually cheering Umaga because Batista sucks so much here. Batista comes back with a spinebuster and thank god, finishes with the demon bomb at 7:07, even managing to fuck that up. SMACKDOWN REIGNS SUPREME. Well now I can sleep at night knowing that. 1/2*

ECW World title: Chavo Guerrero v. Kane

Chavo gets the ignominious honor of breaking SD Jones' 9 second loss record, as he mouths off to Kane and gets chokeslammed and pinned to give Kane the ECW World title at 0:03.

Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn puts him down off a headlock and teases a strut, but thinks better of it. Flair tries a hammerlock and Shawn reverses, but Flair takes him down with a drop toehold. They continue with the hammerlock until Flair hiptosses out of it. Shoving match in the corner and Shawn gives him a slap for his troubles, so Ric fires back with the chops. They exchange those until Shawn puts his head down and gets booted, and Flair follows with the back elbow and drops the knee. Flair charges and gets elbowed down, but Shawn goes up and gets slammed off. Flair goes up as well and gets a high cross for two, then follows with a kneecrusher, but Shawn boots him out of the ring. He follows with a baseball slide and tries a moonsault press off the apron, but misses and takes out the announce table instead. Back in, Flair takes over and whips him into the corner and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Delayed vertical suplex gets two. Shawn fights back with chops and a neckbreaker, and he backdrops Flair onto the floor. He follows with a moonsault to the floor that misses by a foot, and back in Flair takes over.

They trade chops with the crowd clearly booing Shawn now, and Shawn gets the flying forearm and kips up. Flying elbow and Shawn sets up for the superkick, but hesitates and gets put in the figure-four as a result. Shawn reverses to escape and they try one last pinfall reversal sequence, but Flair just can't do it anymore. To me, that was the saddest part. Shawn with a sunset flip for two. Flair whips him into the corner and clips the knee, but Shawn cradles off the figure-four attempt for two. Flair gets another one and pulls Shawn into the middle of the ring, but he fights and makes the ropes. Flair stops to style and profile, and walks into the superkick as a result. Shawn gets two off that. Shawn sets up again, but this time Flair goes low and gets two. Shawn comes back with an inverted figure-four, but Flair makes the ropes and thumbs him in the eye. Rollup gets two. Flair chops him again, but Shawn fires back with a superkick on instinct and Flair is done. But he sets up one more time and we get the now-famous "I'm sorry and I love you", and the superkick ends Flair's career at 20:23.

I still don't think it's that great of a match, although the storyline argument is an entirely different one. Outside of the obvious missed spots, the thing that really bugs about the match is that I didn't ENJOY it. The best matches for me are joyous ones, with two guys beating each other up for a grudge or the joy of combat or a title. This was a sad occasion, the greatest wrestler in history being forced to go out on someone else's terms long after he should have made that decision himself, and it brought me no joy. Yeah, it was good for the most part, but would 1989 Flair have watched this and wanted to go out in a match where he couldn't even bridge up on the pinfall reversal spot? ***1/4

Playboy Bunny Lumberjack match: Ashley Massaro & Maria v. Beth Phoenix & Melina

Ashley and Maria both look ridiculous here, especially Ashley who looks like 60 pounds of human being and 20 pounds of silicon. Beth slugs it out with Ashley to start and Ashley can't even bump into the corner properly. Maria comes in and tosses Melina, and back in for a broncobuster for two. Ashley comes in with a headscissor takedown and they do a messy collision in the corner, which gives Melina two. Ashley goes out and gets beat up by the other women, and back in for a bearhug from Phoenix. Melina moonsaults off Beth's shoulders for two. Maria comes back in as the lights go out, thus boosting this match * instantly because we can't watch it. I bet Vince was blowing a gasket backstage. Beth with the double-arm chickening on Maria, but Maria reverses to a bulldog for two. Beth and Melina collide in the dark to get rid of Melina, and Maria bulldogs Beth for two. Santino breaks it up, so Jerry Lawler punches him out for an angle that didn't go anywhere, but Beth finishes Maria with the fisherman's suplex at 5:58. Thus begins the glorious tale of GLAMARELLA! 1/4* Snoop Dogg clotheslines Santino, however, on behalf of the honor of bitches and ho's the world over.

RAW World title: Randy Orton v. John Cena v. HHH

John Cena's drumline entrance is pretty cool. See, the excitement over Orton challenging for HHH's title at WM25 is tempered somewhat by the fact that he was defending that very title here already, so it's not like it's any new thing for him. Three-way slugfest to start and HHH clears the ring, then brawls with Orton over to the tables. Back in, HHH grabs the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Cena breaks it up with an FU attempt. HHH stops that with a low blow, allowing Orton to hit him with the neckbreaker and pound away on the mat. We get an epic DOUBLE GARVIN STOMP as Orton shows the charisma and talent that have given him a push for so goddamned long that we all just want to claw our own eyes out. Orton goes up and Cena follows, but HHH assists with a Doomsday Device on Cena. Cena rolls through on Orton with an FU attempt, but Orton cradles for two and HHH takes them both out. Orton recovers first and gets the DDT on both guys. He's coiled like a snake! Or a huge shit, whatever. Cena comes back with the necksnap and goes up with the fameasser, but Orton heads out of the ring to escape. He suckers Cena into a chase and sends him into the ringpost, but HHH attacks Orton on the way back in. HHH goes for the knee, but stops to go after Cena again and walks into an RKO. Cena takes Orton down for the STFU, but even yelling "TAP!" doesn't entice him to do so, and he makes the rope. Possibly like a snake, I'm not sure. HHH gets rid of Cena again and continues on Orton with an Indian deathlock, but Cena quickly breaks that up. Back to the STFU, which looks really lame thanks to a closeup of how gently Cena is holding it, and HHH breaks it up and puts Cena into a crossface instead. Cena makes the ropes, however, as the crowd has now moved to openly booing him. They do the boo/yay bit as per contractual obligation, but Cena makes the comeback with a shoulderblock and powerbomb. Five knuckle shuffle and FU, but HHH reverses out and clotheslines him. Spinebuster and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE gets two, but Orton kicks HHH in the head and pins Cena to retain at 14:08. What an anticlimactic finish. The Cena v. HHH portions felt epic and WM-like and Orton just sucked the fun out of it. ***1/4 It was pretty forgettable overall and HHH winning the belt a month later rendered it all pretty pointless anyway.

Floyd Mayweather v. Big Show

Even after the video packages and a year of perspective, I STILL don't get what the point of this match even was or who I was supposed to be cheering for. The buildup makes Show look like a bullying heel and Mayweather like a plucky athlete, but at the actual show you've suddenly got Mayweather as a preening heel and Show as a serious babyface. Show chases Mayweather around and they do some boxing, which Mayweather gets the best of. Floyd stops for a drink from his Holy Grail, so Show beats up one of his posse to make a point. Show finally gets his hands on Mayweather, but Floyd jumps on for an attempt at a sleeper. Show goes down, which is so ridiculous that the crowd has to boo it, so Show takes him down and stomps the hand. He steps on Mayweather in the corner while the cornerman is all "He can't be doing that! He can't be stepping on him!" You tell him! Show with a sideslam and headbutt. That's enough for Mayweather and he bails out, but Show fights off the handlers and drags him back to the ring for the chokeslam, but one of the nameless horde breaks it up with a chair. Mayweather beats Show down with the chair, hits him low, and knocks him out with brass knuckles at 11:32. Total freakshow, and Mayweather was never seen in WWE again. **

Smackdown World title: Edge v. Undertaker

Edge slugs away in the corner to start, but walks into a clothesline and ends up on the floor. He necksnaps Edge on the way back in and pounds him with elbows in the corner, but runs into a boot. He comes back with a clothesline for two and starts working on the arm, but Edge counters Old School. Taker chokes him out in the corner and hits a running knee, but hurts himself in the process and bumps to the floor. Edge spears him off the apron and into the railing, which is pretty impressive considering how far that railing is from the ring. Edge follows with a baseball slide and pounds away on the floor. Back in, he gets a shoulderblock in the corner and stomps UT down, but Taker tosses him and follows with the tope con hilo. Back in, the legdrop on the apron gets two. Taker goes for the powerbomb, but the back gives way and Edge boots him down for two. They fight to the floor and Edge dumps Taker into the front row, and then back in for a half-crab. Taker counters for two, but Edge turns it back into a leglock. Taker fights up and they slug it out to wake up the crowd, and Taker wins that and gets a pair of corner clotheslines and Snake Eyes. Edge comes back with a dropkick, however, and gets two. They fight over a chokeslam and Edge turns it into the Impaler for two. Another series of counters and Taker gets the chokeslam for two. He goes up and Edge blocks, then brings him down with a superplex for two. He stupidly slugs away in the corner and Taker tries the Last Ride off that, but Edge counters out with a neckbreaker for two. Taker tries again and gets it this time, but only gets two. So it's Tombstone time, but Edge reverses to the Edge-O-Matic for two. They collide and Taker goes Old School, but the ref gets bumped and Edge gets an inverted DDT. Edge lays the badmouth on him and Taker tries a chokeslam, so Edge kicks him in the nuts and grabs his trusty handheld camera. Sadly, even with an awesome finisher like that, the ref is still out, so Edge tries a Tombstone instead and UT reverses to his own. Charles Robinson streaks out at record speed to count two, winning Wrestlemania MVP for the night. Edge's goons follow him out and promptly get destroyed by Undertaker, but that allows Edge to get the spear for two. Another one hits, but Taker wraps him up in the Google Platypus and Edge taps away the belt at 23:51. Started slow but turned into a heapin' helpin' of hot near-falls and reversal drama, making for a worthy close to the show. ****1/4

The Pulse

Sorry, kids, but this one just didn't hold up for me. It may have worked well in the moment as a Big Event, but there's just no substance here or truly memorable stuff outside of the retirement of Flair, and the matches weren't that great. I'd have to rank this one a lot lower than it looked like it was going to be right afterwards. Plus Flair v. Michaels is available on the Flair DVD and Edge had a bunch of better matches with Undertaker later in the year anyway.

- As a companion to the MSG show from two weeks before the first Wrestlemania, here's the episode of All-American (which begat Primetime Wrestling, which begat Monday Night RAW) that aired the night of Wrestlemania. I bet they're gonna be hyping Wrestlemania.

- Hosted by Mean Gene.

The British Bulldogs v. Rene Goulet & Barry O

The ring announcer calls him "Bobby O" to really rub in his jobber status. This is pretty near the debut for the Bulldogs. Goulet takes Dynamite down with an armbar to start, but Kid pops up and hiptosses him. Goulet takes him down again, but Kid bridges out and monkey-flips Goulet out for the tag. Over to Barry, and Davey Boy controls him with a headlock and armdrags. Kid with a slam for two and a crucifix for two. Goulet comes in and gets double-teamed by the Bulldogs, and Kid adds a gutwrench and a missile dropkick. Davey jumps over Kid with own missile dropkick, taking out Barry O as the crowd goes pretty crazy for a TV taping. Barry hits Dynamite with a clothesline, but Kid tags out to Davey and it's back to Goulet again. Davey quickly powerslams him for two, then puts Barry on his shoulders and Kid does the diving headbutt off them for the pin at 4:01 as the place goes insane. That was, dare I say, a Midnight Express-esque squash for them.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES! Alfred does this deadly serious introduction and then shows a video of JYD dancing with some kids. Now that's some hard-hitting journalism.

Big John Studd v. Jim Young

Didn't see many Studd squashes on TV for whatever reason. Bobby Heenan is carrying around $15,000 and a bag of Andre's hair. That's kind of creepy. Young tries for the bodyslam payoff right away, but Studd pounds him down and gets one before picking him up. He drops him on the top rope for two, but now Andre comes down to the ring and it's a DQ at 1:10. Andre kicks his ass and Studd gets out before any bodyslamming can occur.

Wrestlemania Update with Mean Gene, and he brings out Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper for their comments. Sadly Wendi doesn't get to talk and thus I'm robbed of my usual chance to mock her manly voice. She sounds like Steve McMichael, you see.

Mad Maxine v. Susan Starr

Maxine, who is 6 feet tall with a green Mohawk, was going to be set up as the next challenger for Richter and had a character model done for Hulk Hogan's Rock N Wrestling and everything, but then she just disappeared and was basically never heard from in wrestling again. Maybe it had to do with Richter getting fired and the women's division collapsing on itself, I dunno. They call her 6'4", but that's how tall I am and Maxine is barely taller than the ref so I think they're exaggerating that one somewhat. Maxine takes Starr down a few times, but Starr gets a drop toehold and controls with a leglock on the mat. Maxine powers her down again and a suplex finishes at 2:34.

- Let us take you back to Piper's Pit, where Paul Orndorff calls Mr. T a "spider-monkey" and rubs a banana on his picture. Classy.

- And now for the other side of the story, Hulk Hogan and Mr. T journey to New York to see the sights, and then train for the Wrestlemania main event by going to Central Park to beat up muggers. Do they wear nametags or something? I am incredibly disappointed that we don't actually get to see them exacting vigilante justice to prepare for a professional wrestling match. T's camo gear is somewhat offset by Hulk's bright red leotard. And then it's off to the gym (with "Eye of the Tiger" helpfully dubbed over) for some latently gay training footage before they head to the subway, presumably to beat up more muggers. Although that's never confirmed one way or another.

Greg Valentine v. ???

I don't speak Bruno so I can't quite decipher the jobber name (Pompei?). Anyway, usual squash from Valentine, as he pounds the jobber with elbows and hits the chinlock. The jobber comes back with a takedown in the corner, but Valentine knees him down again and adds a suplex for two. Gutbuster and he chokes him out on the ropes, then works the leg with a half-crab before finishing with the figure-four at 4:30.

- Mean Gene brings in a clean-shaven Captain Lou and the US Express for final comments before Wrestlemania.

- Mean Gene does the final hard sell, wrapping things up one last time and doing a damn sight better job of it than any PPV that WWE has done in years. They've kinda lost the used car salesman approach that Gene used to bring, replacing it with video packages and that rock music all the kids are listening to. Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Next week: Ricky Steamboat & Jimmy Snuka v. Goldie Rogers & Terry Gibbs! British Bulldogs v. Matt Borne & Mr. X! Sadly, this was just a one-shot deal on WWE 24/7 and we'll never know who wins those epic clashes.

Now I kinda want to check out Wrestlemania again when it airs on 24/7 next week.

- Taped from Durham, New Hampshire.

- HOUR #1!

- Your hosts are Jim Ross, Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole.

Undertaker kicks things off with a special interview with Cole. So Undertaker is #1 contender, just like that, and he's wrestling Shawn at the Royal Rumble in a casket match. He notes that last time it took 10 guys to shove him into a casket (thanks for reminding us of that atrocity) and there's only two guys in D-X, so odds aren't on their side. However, Kane heads out and Paul Bearer once again plays the dead parents card (geez, what a dick), leading Kane to bitchslap his brother. Undertaker still won't fight him, however, and walks away.

Jerry Lawler v. Taka Michinoku

Taka grabs a headlock and Lawler tosses him off in response. JR actually plugs a UFC PPV (Ultimate Japan), which is something that would never happen in a million years now. Lawler does some more Memphis stalling and Taka sends him to the floor with a series of kicks, then follows with a springboard plancha. Back in, Jerry throws his own dropkick (his first of the 90s, notes JR), but Taka gets his own and it's a dropkick stalemate. Taka dropkicks him into the corner, but misses a moonsault and Lawler takes over with a suplex and chinlock. He tosses Taka and gets the piledriver back in the ring, but the fistdrop misses and the Michinoku Driver finishes at 5:40, although Brian Christopher runs in for the DQ before the pin. This was kind of needlessly long, which is something you don't often hear about Russo shows. *1/2

The Rock and the Nation head out, and Rock is so clearly the star of the show now that it's not even funny. He declares himself the People's Champion, totally ignoring Faarooq and his demands for attention. He ORDERS Steve Austin to come out and give him the belt back, so Austin joins us for some trash talk (Rock's silent comebacks are a great character touch) and Rock gives him one hour to return the belt. Or else.

Road Dogg v. Dude Love

First use of "Oh you didn't know?" although it's Billy Gunn who says it. They slug it out in the corner and Dude wins that one, then takes Dogg down with a headlock. And then Jim Ross dubs them the New Age Outlaws, and there you go. Pretty funny bit with Billy on commentary, as Dogg calls him over and Billy, very polite, goes "Oh, I believe he wants me for something, excuse me for a moment" before beating up Dude on the floor. Back in, Dogg with the Worm splash for two and a dropkick into the corner. Dogg shucks and jives, but runs into the Mandible Claw and they head to the floor as a result. Dude goes a little crazy and starts to turn into Mankind, as they head back in the ring for the running knee in the corner. Dude sets up Sweet Shin Music and finishes at 4:33. ** The battle continues up the ramp, as the Outlaws pound away and try to toss him off the stage, but Dude fights them off. Finally they toss a referee at him, and that's enough to send him flying through a table below. The Outlaws go check on him, make sure he's OK, and then beat him up again.

Mark Henry v. The Brooklyn Brawler

This is apparently Mark's RAW debut. He's still a babyface rookie at this point, which is weird. Henry tosses Brawler around and gets a backbreaker out of the corner, then throws knees into the back. Elbow and bearhug finish at 1:49.

- HOUR #2!

- Hosted by Jim Ross & Jim Cornette

Vince McMahon, who is all about the fan safety, calls out Owen Hart for "endangering" fans by crawling over them on the way to the ring. So Owen heads out via the crowd and notes that his family did what they had to do, so he'll do what he has to do: Stay here and kick Shawn's ass. He doesn't care about some "stupid piece of leather with tin on it", this is PERSONAL. Apparently Shawn and Bret care more about the stupid piece of leather with tin on it. Vince brings out the cops to escort Owen out so no one gets endangered. God forbid. Unfortunately, all the character rehabilitation for Owen went completely to waste because the point was always to feed him to HHH. What I don't get is why they didn't put the Euro title on him right away, which would have given him his revenge on Shawn and then set up the title feud against HHH.

The Sultan v. Tom Brandi

Really? How long did Solofa Fatu last in this stupid gimmick? Brandi gets some token jobber offense, but puts his head down and gets piledriven for two. Brandi slugs back, but runs into a knee that gets two. Sultan with a lazy superkick for two. Brandi comes back with a neckbreaker and goes after Iron Sheik, which leads to Sultan hitting his manager by mistake and Brandi getting the fluke rollup for the pin at 3:45. Marc Mero beats the shit out of Brandi afterwards just so we know that Brandi really is a jobber. This has gotta be it for the Sultan, right? He's not quite fat enough for Rikishi yet, but I recall him being fairly small at the start of that gimmick. 1/4*

The Rock returns with the ultimatum for Austin, but Steve's off at a bridge somewhere in the state. He chucks Rock's pager and I-C title into the river, which you'd think would have been a good point to introduce the new design. Stealing his pager (and Rock's shocked reaction) is such a great touch.

- And then we watch the entire segment again after the commercial.

And now more weirdness, as Vince McMahon formally introduces the Attitude era, talking about how they take influences from all sorts of entertainment forms, because wrestling fans are tired of having their intelligence insulted!

Excuse me for a second…

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

OK, I'm good now.

Steve Blackman v. Jose

Hey, a Boriqua AND Steve Blackman, it's like ratings gold in a bottle. Blackman gets a backdrop and half-crab, but Jose makes the ropes. Blackman with a bicycle kick and german suplex to finish at 1:34. 1/2*

- Meanwhile, D-X decides who gets to deal with Owen Hart the same way they make all their major decisions: Rock paper scissors. HHH wins and thus gets the honors.

Shawn Michaels & HHH v. The Legion of Doom

Shawn starts with Animal and gets overpowered, then gets pinballed in the corner before tagging out to HHH. D-X does some quick double-teaming on Animal, but Shawn hot dogs and gets clotheslined by Hawk outside. Shawn tries to crawl away, but HHH talks him into returning. Shawn is going way over the top and acting like a complete clown here. So it's over to HHH and he gets headlocked by Hawk, but Shawn gets the cheapshot and HHH USES THE KNEE to take over. D-X double-teams in the corner and Shawn is being a ridiculous ham, obviously not giving a shit here. We take a break and return with Shawn holding a facelock on Hawk, but he powers out of it. Hot tag Animal, but the Outlaws head out and chloroform Hawk for the DQ at 7:37, and the beatdown is on. D-X gets rid of Animal and Billy shaves Hawk's Mohawk off. And Animal goes through a table. You'd think this would lead to the Outlaws joining D-X, but it took another four months for that to happen.

This is such a weirdly entertaining show now because I don't find myself actively enjoying a lot of it outside of Rock/Austin and D-X, and yet it just FLIES by. Some real good stuff here, though, and more to come during the build to Wrestlemania.

So this is of course two weeks before the first ever Wrestlemania, which shows you the kind of drawing power they used to have in MSG.

- Taped from New York.

- Your hosts are Gorilla & Mean Gene.

Rocky Johnson v. Charlie Fulton

Rocky uses some fancy footwork to hold a hammerlock, but Fulton rolls him up, so Rocky reverses to a headscissors. Fulton tries a wristlock and Johnson reverses out of it and does the goofy dancing stuff to chase Fulton out of the ring. Back in, Fulton pounds away in the corner, but Rocky finishes with a sunset flip at 3:47. Wasn't much of an opener. I hear Johnson's kid did some good stuff in the sport, though. 1/2*

Barry O v. Rene Goulet

Speaking of those eclipsed by their offspring (or relatives thereof), Barry's nephew Randy had a tad more success. They trade armbars to start and Orton works a headscissors. This is boring, so here's a random fun fact about Barry Orton: He tried for a movie career after getting blacklisted from wrestling, and changed his name to Barrymore Barlow. I kid you not, look it up on imdb.com. This shitty match continues unabated with Goulet escaping Barry's paralyzing array of headlocks (if you want to know where Randy got it from, look no further) and getting his clawhold, using Orton's mop of hair to keep him down. Orton's faux-Ricky Morton babyface look here is something to behold, as he looks like an aging hair metal singer rather than a teen idol. A body slam is his big comeback move, and that gets two. Powerslam gets two. Goulet takes him down with a headlock to end that awesome torrent of offense and the crowd boos the crap out of this. Barry comes back with an atomic drop, but runs into a knee and Goulet gets two. Barry comes back with a small package and the ref is so sick of this stupid match that he fast-counts to end it at 8:48. Way to go, Dee Snyder! 1/4*

Jim Neidhart v. SD Jones

Boy, they're really stacking this card up and down, aren't they? Neidhart pounds him down to start, but Jones grabs a headlock. Neidhart accuses him of pulling his beard, but SD gives him a hiptoss and works on an armbar. Neidhart tries slamming out, but Jones hangs on. Anvil clotheslines out as Gorilla gets on his weird high horse about that move being an "automatic disqualification" like he did at Wrestlemania III. Gorilla could have some really weird beefs. Neidhart pounds on him in the corner and goes to a chinlock. SD makes the comeback, but walks into a powerslam and gets pinned at 6:50. Well, he'd have another chance to do better against King Kong Bundy two weeks later. 1/2*

King Kong Bundy v. Jose Luis Rivera

Speak of the devil. Bundy has a cape here, making him look like Homer Simpson in the episode where he gets really fat. Big splash gets two, but Bundy picks him up. Now what's the legality of picking someone up if he asks for the five count? Like if he gets four and then picks him up, did he still win the match? Avalanche and Big Fat Elbow finishes at 2:22. Well, Rivera did better than SD at Wrestlemania. DUD

Piper's Pit! Roddy relates the tale of St. Patrick's Day and how they used to chase the snakes out of Ireland. Is that where the whole Whacking Day gag came from? Piper brings out Paul Orndorff as backup in case Mr. T gets in his face. So we've got Piper/Orton/Orndorff on one side and T/Hogan/Snuka on the other and you can see where this is going. Piper, twitchier than usual here, talks trash and shows a series of paintings which depict Mr. T in various states of injury after the Wrestlemania main event, but even donning a Mohawk wig isn't enough to trigger a brawl, as T keeps his cool and breaks the pictures instead. This was the hardest of the hard sells.

David Sammartino v. Matt Borne

David gets some quality shoving in, but Borne hammers on him and follows with a belly to belly suplex out of the corner. He drops a knee and goes to a chinlock, but Sammartino slugs him down and backdrops him out of the corner. And now David goes to the chinlock. And then Borne chinlocks him right back. I feel so sorry for this crowd tonight. Finally they slug it out and Borne misses a blind charge, allowing David to suplex him for two. He goes up, but Borne slams him off for two. Another slam is reversed by Sammartino into a cradle for the pin at 8:25. David was just not very good. 1/2*

Andre the Giant, Junkyard Dog & Jimmy Snuka v. John Studd, Ken Patera & Jesse Ventura

This has got potential. JYD backdrops Patera after some heel stalling, then Andre comes in and rams Patera and Studd's heads together. Big boot for Patera and Dog is right there with headbutts, as Patera gets the hell out of there. Finally back in, JYD gets trapped in the heel corner and choked out by Ventura, triggering the big brawl. After order is restored, Dog is your face-in-peril, and Jesse pounds on him in the corner in between posturing. That doesn't last long, as JYD gets pissed and fights Ventura off, then brings Snuka in for more abuse of the Body. Snuka drops a fist off the middle rope, but Jesse uses his trademark THUMB TO THE EYE~! More cheating from the heels and Studd comes in for the slam, which gets two. Studd and Patera switch off with bearhugs on Snuka and hold him in the corner. Hot tag Andre, however, and he goes for the slam on Studd, but Jesse comes in to save. That goes…badly for him. Andre kicks the shit out of Jesse and the Superfly splash finishes at 10:05. You knew that Jesse was taking the fall here, although he was pretty tremendous with his overblown antics. **

Ricky Steamboat v. Terry Gibbs

Gibbs attacks to start and pounds on Ricky, but gets backdropped out of the corner. Gibbs hides in the ropes and we get a rather long stalling sequence before Gibbs dumps Steamboat and pounds him on the apron. Back in, Gibbs gets a cheapshot in the corner and a slam for two. Atomic drop follows, but Steamboat fires back with chops and finishes with the high cross at 4:30. Not much here. 1/2*

Intercontinental title, lumberjack match: Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana.

Valentine attacks to start, but Tito sends the fists a'flyin and Hammer retreats to the floor. The heels are none too quick to help him back in, but luckily Ricky Steamboat is there to set things right. Back in, Tito catches a boot and hits him with an atomic drop into a kneelift, and Greg runs away again, where JYD sends him right back in. Tito hammers away in the corner, but Valentine takes him down with his own atomic drop, but Tito just keeps on firing away. Tito rings the ears (which Mean Gene calls all AWA old school as a "skullcracker"), and knees him down with some surprisingly vicious stuff, into an elbow off the second rope for two. Valentine makes a run for it, right into the face side, and they carry him back in the hard way. Tito slugs away again, but gets too fired up and runs into a knee for two. Valentine takes over in his usual methodical style, dropping the Hammer for two. He starts working on the leg and tries rolling him into a half-crab, but Tito slugs out of it. And now it's Titos' turn to get tossed to the floor and back in by the heels. Back in, Valentine hits him with a forearm off the middle rope and sets up for the figure-four, but Tito reverses for two. Valentine levels him with a forearm to win a slugfest, then drops an elbow for two. Greg slugs away in the corner, but takes a step back and that allows Tito to drop down to his back and monkey-lift him into the turnbuckle to come back. They slug it out and Valentine goes down, but Tito won't let him run away. Suplex gets two and he drops a knee on Valentine's head and tries his own figure-four, but Hammer flips out of it and then runs away. The faces chase him back in, and he runs right into a forearm from Tito, and THAT sets up the figure-four for real. Sadly, Jimmy Hart distract the ref, allowing John Studd to drag Valentine to the ropes, and Tito gets all distracted. Valentine attacks him and they slug it out, but Tito collapses and Valentine falls on top for the pin to retain at 15:07. Not the upper echelon for them or anything, but it's always a good combination. ***1/4

This was not exactly high quality stuff. The Valentine-Tito match certainly wasn't worth sitting through the other 90 minutes to get to. Take a pass.

- Ugh, why do I punish myself with this stuff? Unfortunately the original rant is pretty crappy, so let's journey back to the era of Russo & Bischoff. On the bright side, I don't remember any of this shit in the slightest, so much like reruns on NBC, it's new to me! Now where's the alcohol…

- Live from Daytona Beach, FL. And presented by a full nelson!

- Your hosts are Tony, Scott Hudson and Mark Madden.

- Right off the bat I'm fucking annoyed because Tony says "sports entertainment" a million times, which sounds ridiculous on a show that's supposed to be the "alternative" to WWE at the time.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco/Chavo Guerrero v. Juventud Guerrera

Before the show, Ernest Miller banned both factions from ringside upon threat of death, so of course the entire crew of both groups is out there to start. And who's the dude who looks kind of like Rey Mysterio, but without the mask or steroids? They trade chops to start and Chavo gets a pair of atomic drops to put Juvy over the top. Now, I'm assuming the Filthy Animals were supposed to be heels at this point, but the pre-match promos were total babyface stuff and they're certainly way hipper than the jobbers who comprise the Misfits in Action are. Do kids aspire to be like Lash LeRoux? Juvy stalls forever and heads back in, but Chavo blocks a suplex and puts him on the floor with his own, then follows with a pescado. Back in the ring as Juvy oversells everything like a total clown. Clearly he's completely in his element under the Russo regime. Chavo gets a backbreaker for two and goes to an armbar, but Juvy chops out, so Chavo takes him down with a headscissors and a powerslam for two. Juvy comes back with chops, but misses a blind charge and they collide for the double KO. At 5:00 in. Chavo slugs away and puts Juvy on the floor, then follows with a dive from the top. The Filthy Animals (wearing masks in a funny bit) sneak back out to interfere, but the ref tosses them again. Meanwhile, the Juice hits Chavo with a buttdrop from the apron to the floor to take over. Back in, Juvy with a springboard splash for two. They fight to the top and Juvy comes out with a powerbomb for two. An ugly pancake sets up the Juicy Elbow for two, but now MIA does the same mask gimmick and Juvy gets distracted. Chavo tries the tornado DDT, but Juvy counters, and Chavo finally gets an inverted DDT for two. Powerbomb is countered by the Juice, and the Drunk Driver gets two. Chavo comes back with the tornado DDT to retain at 12:09. A fine opener, but all the stupid run-ins weren't needed and nearly ruined it. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett complains to Commissioner Cat that Hogan isn't here yet. He literally has a singing fat lady ready. Oh, Russo.

Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus

This is actually a pretty dignified period for Vito compared to what the WWE had in store for him. Vito gets rid of Ralphus right away and goes after Smiley by the stage, and they head into the back for the "brawl". Ralphus recovers and helps Smiley double-team Vito, which gives us the Wiggle. Norman directs Ralphus in his garbage can lid attack as this gets somehow more embarrassing than I pictured, but Vito is shockingly able to fend off the wrath of Ralphus and comes back. Norman tries to call for the elevator and Vito beats up the caterer, as they fight into the elevator and Norman gets left there. I would like to remind everyone that Vince Russo was paid $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR to think this bullshit up. Vito drags Ralphus down to the ring and beats on him, and they can't even set up a table properly without it breaking. Vito splashes him through the table and gets the pin to retain at 5:55. $2.5 million dollars! For THIS! -**

Kevin Nash is ANGRY. At Goldberg. But first, before that intensely personal grudge match, a wedding gown match between two managers!

Wedding Gown match: Miss Hancock v. Daffney

The incredibly pretentious video package for this idiocy makes it so much easier to hate. Like, imagine Tony Schiavone quotes superimposed on footage from the feud. Hancock gets a handspring elbow, but Daffney takes her down by the hair. They fight on the ropes until the ref and David Flair pull them apart and this just gets stupider by the second. And then the men lose their pants. Hancock gets sent into David's crotch, and now suddenly they're trying to shave Daffney's head for no adequately explored reason. Oh, and then Crowbar runs in and beats up Flair (also in his underwear, of course) before the match grinds to a further halt so Hancock can strip to end the match at 4:18. The announcers question the legality of Hancock removing her own dress, but it ends the match, so I'm fine with it. Astonishingly, Stacy became a pretty decent worker for her position In the company once she went to WWE. This was like, I dunno, a three-ring circus taking place on the back of a train car, and the train derails and crashes into a giant 20 car pileup on the interstate. -****

WCW World tag title: Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik

Adams tosses Palumbo and then presses Stasiak onto him, prompting the champs to take a walk and stall. Back in, Stasiak pounds away in the corner on Clarke, but comes off the top and lands in a uranage. Kronik double-teams Stasiak with an elbow and Adams gets a big boot, so Palumbo comes in. And Adams immediately gets a full nelson slam ("Oh no, not the fatty bo-batty!" sez Madden), but the champs double-team on the floor to take over. This is of course horrifying because Adams' hair threatens to come in contact with the remnants of the wedding cake from the last match, and that would just kill the only appeal as a worker he had left by 2000. Luckily, it escapes unscathed, ready to flow and flip like a third man on the team yet again. Back in, Palumbo pounds away and Adams is in trouble, but the hair is well-conditioned and full of life! Chuck with the sleeper and Stasiak comes in with a back elbow for two. Stasiak pounds away on the ropes and Adams actually stops to do a hair flip while selling. He must have learned from Kevin Nash. Stasiak with the sleeper, like a metaphor for this fucking boring match, and they collide for the double KO. Hot tag Clarke, and while he's fresh, his hair is much greasier than usual, and I feel that could put them at a distinct disadvantage. Meltdown is reversed by Palumbo into a shitty DDT, and now Stasiak comes in and dropkicks everyone. I have seriously seen backyard wrestling tapes that were more professionally contested than this shit. At least no one was slipping and falling on their ass (like Clarke does during a charge to the corner) and charging people $30 to watch it on PPV. The champs double-team Clarke while Adams is busy combing his hair, but luckily he makes the save and tosses Palumbo. F5 for Stasiak and they hit their double chokeslam for two, but it turns into a big sloppy brawl again. Palumbo also takes the pot-themed finisher, but Stasiak breaks it up. So they hit him with a Doomsday Device and win the tag titles at 13:38. Kronik was their own special kind of awful, but at least they were over. And had the hair of a World champion. *1/2

Meanwhile, the Jung Dragons attack the Cat in a bit stolen from the Pink Panther movies.

Kanyon v. Booker T

Booker puts him on the floor with a spinkick right away, tragically knocking the blond wig off. Back in, Kanyon slugs away, but Booker hits him with a dropkick and clotheslines him. Back to the floor goes Kanyon and they have a quick brawl out there, then back in for a Booker clothesline for two. Back to the floor and Kanyon sends him into the railing, then puts the stairs on Booker's arm and whacks it with a chair. Back in, Kanyon puts him against the railing and dropkicks him into it, then brings him back in with a superplex. That gets two. Kanyon puts a chair in the corner, but Booker fights back with a powerslam for two. Kanyon catches him coming out of the corner with a powerbomb for two. Inverted Boston crab follows, but Bookre powers out and gets a rollup for two. Kanyon reverses that for two. Booker fires back with a forearm and a spinebuster for two, but Kanyon's in the ropes. Booker goes after him with the chair, but Kanyon hits him with the BOOK OF DOOM for two. Well the brick fell out, see. Booker spins up and sidekicks Kanyon down, which sets up the ax kick and Bookend for two. He goes up, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and guitars him, and the Kanyon Kutter finishes at 10:00. More of a Nitro match than anything. ***

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome hits on the singing fat lady, but has no luck.

US title: Scott Steiner v. Mike Awesome

They immediately brawl into the crowd and Awesome gives him a backbreaker on the floor as Tony talks about "superstars in sports entertainment". KILL ME NOW. Steiner uses a chair to gain the advantage and they head back in, where Steiner drops the elbow for two. Awesome comes back with a boot out of the corner, but Steiner hits him with a belly to belly for two. Backbreaker sets up a suplex, but Awesome reverses and drops him on the top rope instead. Steiner hits the floor and Awesome drops an elbow from the apron, then beats on him with a chair. Clearly the crowd wants to cheer for Steiner here but WCW insisted on booking him as a heel for whatever reason. Awesome slingshots himself in for two. Flying Awesome clothesline gets two. The Cat comes out to watch as Steiner comes back with the overhead suplex, but Cat stops him from doing the Steiner Recliner for some reason. Steiner knocks him off the apron, allowing Awesome to get a powerbomb for two. Awesome flying splash gets two. Steiner fights off a powerbomb attempt and the ref is bumped, but Cat's interference backfires and he superkicks Awesome by mistake. Steiner gets two off that. Belly to belly and the Steiner Recliner finish at 9:07, but Cat strips him of the title for using the banned finisher. Stupid finish, OK match. Booking was really weird, as Steiner wrestled as a babyface and the Cat acted like a total heel and they did heel spots, but they're supposed to be the exact opposite. **1/2

Graveyard match: The Demon (Dale Torborg) v. Vampiro

Yes, they're in a GRAVEYARD. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Vampiro tries to jump out of a tree, but it misses. I can't imagine how that plan would have failed. They slug it out but you can't actually see anything. Not a complaint, just an observation. Demon manages to shove him into an open grave, but Vampiro pulls him in and then goes after Asya. Demon gives chase after EMOTING~! And then they go swimming. Tony's worry is that there might be alligators in the water. If only. Vampiro drowns the Demon and then goes after Asya again, but luckily Charles Robinson fishes him out. Isn't he supposed to be an immortal spawn of Hell? Can they really drown in two feet of water like that? And then, um, Vampiro pops out of a coffin and breaks a plaster tombstone over Demon's head. So naturally Demon goes into the coffin and gets thrown into the open grave, because really what other finish could you have? That's it, it's over. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

Buff Bagwell v. Shane Douglas

Slugfest to start and Buff dropkicks him out, then pounds on the ribs outside. Douglas goes low and drops him on the railing, but Buff backdrops Douglas onto the floor. Back in, Buff with a neckbreaker, but Shane rolls out and stalls again. They slug it out on the floor and Douglas takes Buff into the post crotch-first, then punches a chair back into Bagwell's face. Douglas is so lame that he goes to a chinlock on the floor, then stops by the announce table to say "Now it's time to go home." Gosh, I guess he's shooting then. Back into the ring and Douglas hits a necksnap before going to a neck vice. Torrie Wilson comes out and distracts Douglas, allowing Bagwell to roll him up for two. Buff with a pump splash for two as Torrie stands on the apron and cheers. What idiot can't see this coming down main street? And sure enough, Torrie turns on him and the Pittsburgh Plunge gets two. Buff comes back with a DDT for two. Buff goes up to finish, but Torrie grabs the leg and the Franchiser jawbreaker finishes at 7:50. **

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan

OK, so there's this match. Russo had this idea where Jarrett would "shoot" and lay down for Hogan because Hogan had creative control (the character, you see) and Russo wanted to get the title off him. In storyline, you see. So Hogan "wins" the title by pinning Jarrett with his foot, but Russo would cut this nasty promo later on and take the title from Hogan, setting up a rematch down the road to re-unify the titles. But then it got really silly, as Hogan (the real person, such as he is) turned around and sued WCW for slander and didn't actually ever come back again. And then it gets worse, as we get the announcers talking about it afterwards, as they're all "Oh wow, this is SO REAL. They didn't go over this at the production meeting!" Remember, with Russo, everything you see is fake, except for what you're watching right now, which is REAL.

And now, back to stuff that definitely IS part of the script, as Vampiro returns to the ring to officially win his match (in case you were worried about it), but a group of Sting clones brings the coffin out, presumably still with the dead body of Dale Torborg in it. However, it actually turns out to be Sting, which is a huge swerve given that the coffin was carried out by 8 guys dressed like Sting. I mean, who would've suspected, right? TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

So as promised, Russo heads out and tells the world his views on Hulk Hogan. Hudson clarifies that it's not Vince Russo The Character, but rather Vince Russo The Boss. Of course, Vince Russo The Boss is a character played on TV by Vince Russo The Person. Anyway, Vince tells the inspiring story of how he came back to WCW to help out the guys who give a shit about the company and Hogan isn't one of those people. Hogan, you see, wants his title back, and Russo doesn't want Jarrett to get beat, but this is actually all storyline because the whole thing was planned. So Russo basically strips Hogan of the title and declares that tonight, Jeff Jarrett faces Booker T in the main event for the title. Nobody in that audience had any clue what the hell Russo was talking about, because everyone who wasn't on the internet (which is still 95% of the audience even today) just thought Hogan was the big star and hero. And really, who was Russo to be out there talking shit after three years in the sport? Tony actually says "shoot" and Hudson SHOWS THE FORMAT SHEET and notes that it's not there anywhere. This show makes me want to blow my brains out to stop the stupidity. Russo was right about one thing: Hogan never did show his face in WCW again, but then went back to WWE and made another zillion dollars because he could still make people think he was the hero. Hogan at least had real accomplishments in the sport, which is more than you can say for Russo.

The Battle for Scott Hall: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash

This was right after Goldberg's disastrous heel turn that basically destroyed his WCW career for good. Nash chokes away in the corner, but Goldberg pushes him down and follows with a suplex for two. They slug it out and Goldberg hits the Bretkiller kick, but Nash chokeslams him for two. And now Scott Steiner joins us, acting like a babyface despite being a heel earlier, which is a sure sign that he's turning on Nash because it's a BIG SWERVE. Goldberg charges and runs into a boot and Nash gets the sideslam for two. Goldberg recovers and tries the spear, but hits the turnbuckle as they're rushing through this like crazy to fit the show into PPV time. Nash sets up to finish, but SWERVEY SWERVE SWERVE and Scott Steiner turns on him. Spear, jackhammer, and Scott Hall's career is DONE at 5:24. How can I live without the Outsiders? *

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T

Booker takes him down with a headscissors and they do a wrestling sequence, as Booker grabs a headlock. Jarrett slugs out and pounds Booker in the corner, but Booker comes back with a sidekick and they brawl to the floor. Booker whips him into the wall and they head back to ringside, where Jarrett hits him with a chair and they head over to the announce table. Jarrett piledrives him on the table (which doesn't break, prompting a quick joke from Tony about how they finally got the construction right on them) and back in we go. Jarrett with the sleeper, but Booker reverses a figure-four attempt into a small package for two. Another figure-four succeeds, but Booker makes the ropes. Jarrett works the leg, but Booker makes the comeback with the ax kick. Spinarooni and spinebuster get two. Booker tries a sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope, allowing Jarrett to pound him in the corner. Ref is bumped and Jarrett grabs the belt, but Booker gets it and nails Jarrett for two. Jarrett wedges a chair into the corner, but Booker sends him into it for two. Jarrett gets frustrated and takes out the ref, then grabs his guitar and goes up, but the Bookend finishes at 13:41, giving Booker his first World title. They tried to make it "main eventy" but I don't think either guy was really "ready" at that point and the timing was kind of off. Sometimes you've just gotta pull the trigger and see what happens, though. ***

The Pulse:

Although New Blood Rising was more purely self-indulgent on Russo's part, this had the all-time champion Russo "aren't I so important to the world of wrestling" moment in the form of his rant against Hogan, so it's a tossup as to which is more obnoxious in the grand scheme of things. I don't side with Hogan in many things, but this was one case where they went about things completely the wrong way. It's a hot crowd and should have been an easy, thumbs up fun show, but never let it be said that this company couldn't figure out how to screw up pretty much anything. Strong recommendation to avoid.

Macho Madness: The Ultimate Randy Savage Collection

Disc 1
WWE Debut
Randy Savage vs. Rick McGraw
Prime Time Wrestling July 9, 1985
Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat
Boston Garden December 7, 1985
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan
Madison Square Garden December 30, 1985
WWE Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship
Randy Savage vs. Tito Santana
Boston Garden February 8, 1986
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Bruno Sammartino
Boston Garden January 3, 1987
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat
WrestleMania III March 29, 1987
Randy Savage vs. Honky Tonk Man
The Main Event February 5, 1988
WWE Championship Tournament Final
Randy Savage vs. Ted DiBiase
WrestleMania IV March 27, 1988
Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship
Randy Savage vs. Ted DiBiase
Madison Square Garden June 25, 1988
Disc 2
Randy Savage & Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant & Ted DiBiase
SummerSlam August 29, 1988
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan
WrestleMania V April 2, 1989
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan
The Main Event March 22, 1990
Randy Savage / Sherri vs. Dusty Rhodes / Sapphire
WrestleMania VI April 1, 1990
Retirement Match
Randy Savage vs. Ultimate Warrior
WrestleMania VII March 24, 1991
Randy Savage vs. Jake Roberts
This Tuesday in Texas December 3, 1991
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair
WrestleMania VIII April 5, 1992
Disc 3
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Shawn Michaels
European Rampage April 19, 1992
Randy Savage / Bret Hart vs. Ric Flair / Shawn Michaels
Worcester, MA July 22, 1992
WWE Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Yokozuna
RAW February 28, 1994
Lifeguard Match
Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair
Bash at the Beach July 16, 1995
WCW Championship Match
Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair
Nitro January 22, 1996
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Randy Savage vs. Diamond Dallas Page
Great American Bash June 15, 1997
WCW Championship Match
Randy Savage & Sid Vicious vs. Kevin Nash & Sting
Bash at the Beach July 11, 1999

- So it's the night after the DeGeneration X PPV and big stuff is afoot…

- Live from Portland, Maine.

- Hour 1 is hosted by Jim Ross & Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly. My dream team! Actually they're not so bad here because their entire role is to read pre-scripted bits of the conversation in between JR's actual points. Like they're going over the Shamrock-Michaels title match and Kelly's bit will be "Indeed the match was a mixture of speed and technique" and you won't hear him again. I can deal with that.

Vince McMahon, slowly but surely getting into the swing of his Chairman Vince character, starts us off with a discussion of Steve Austin and how driving a pickup truck into the arena endangered the lives of the fans, and that's just going too far. As well, he beat up a referee, so Vince DEMANDS that Steve Austin defend against the Rock ("who some of you may feel is indeed 'The People's Champion'…") in a rematch tonight. Austin comes out to clarify that you don't "order" him to do anything. Vince clarifies that he's Austin's boss (the quivering voice here is great) and there will be CONSEQUENCES. But he's just getting warmed up, as he's also concerned about Austin's language (about which Austin swears at him). So Austin's gonna go back and have a hot dog and make Vince sweat, and when he comes back out, someone's getting their ass kicked. MONEY. Well, I mean, duh, right, but just watching the electricity from the crowd here is amazing, even knowing how successful it was.

- Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler wins the Karate Fighters tournament over Sunny, but scandalous footage of cheating and malfeasance on his part reverses the decision. But what about the drug testing? He should have won regardless!

The Legion of Doom v. The Godwinns

Dogg & Gunn are at ringside with their South Park shirts (for those who don't remember, that was really edgy 12 years ago), although I'm wishing they'd get a name soon. Henry slams Hawk, but misses an elbow, and Animal comes in with an elbowdrop of his own. Hawk adds a clothesline and dropkicks him into PIG for the tag, which gives us the world's worst slugfest. Hawk with a neckbreaker, but he misses the flying clothesline and that allows the Godwinns to take over. However, in grand Russo tradition, it's lights out and Kane heads out for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 2:30 or so. DUD Kane piledrives Hawk and it's no-sold (when does Kane ever do a piledriver?) so he adds a chokeslam and tombstone to finish him off. Did JR really call Kane the "one-eyed monster"? No wonder Kane dumped gasoline on him years later. And we continue angle overdrive as Gunn & Dogg take advantage of the fallen Hawk with a beating, until Animal chases them off with a chair.

- Back from the break, Road Dogg is STILL talking, as introduces the term "OLD" and declares that there's no competition left in the tag team world, so they're issuing an open challenge to any singles wrestler.

Dude Love v. Billy Gunn

Gunn attacks on the floor while Road Dogg does commentary and "interviews" Dude as Billy is pounding on him. That's pretty funny. Into the ring, Gunn chokes away on the ropes, but Dude gets a backslide for two. Gunn comes back with a clothesline for two. Kelly: "You guys looked pretty tough hiding behind the Spanish commentators." Dogg: "Yeah, well the Spanish commentators ARE pretty tough!" And it's true, Tito Santana is badass. Dogg coins the name "Southern Justice" for the soon-to-be repackaged Godwinns while Dude makes the comeback and rams Gunn into the turnbuckles. That sets up Sweet Shin Music, but Gunn dodges it and hits a Fameasser. Dude recovers with Sweet Shin Music at 3:38 for the pin. And in true fashion for the team, Dogg immediately lays him out with a chairshot and the beatdown commences. Amazingly, this actually went somewhere.

Jim Cornette brings out the winner of the first WWF Light Heavyweight champion, Taka Michinoku. Jerry Lawler quickly interrupts before this can turn into too much of a trainwreck. Taka calls him a jackass, and Cornette introduces the first challenger, "El Unico". Oh please, it's so obvious who it is. And indeed, "Unico" is Brian Christopher. WHAT A SWERVE. They had no clue what people wanted from this division.

Flash Funk v. Kurrgan the Interrogator

Jackyl notes that Kurrgan's days of being a sideshow freak are over, which is pretty funny given what he turned into a couple of months after this. Kurrgan pounds Funk down and no-sells his comeback and puts him down with a big boot. IRON CLAW finishes at 2:24. DUD Kurrgan goes CRAZY and won't release, so the other Truth Commission members try to pry him off, and the ref reverses the decision. Yeah, that'll show him. Jackyl's cult leader character was always really interesting, but no one could make it work for whatever reason.

- ATTITUDE.

- Hour #2 is hosted by Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

DeGeneration X starts us out, doing their usual verbal blowjob of themselves, before Shawn gives another classic one: Owen Hart is the nugget of turd that just won't go away. He says what we're thinking! OK, not really. HHH freely cracks up here, but Chyna has to stay in character, sadly. So they're just gonna sit here and play strip poker until Owen comes out and faces him like a man.

Skull & 8-Ball v. Jose Estrada & Miguel Perez

Yup, the Boriquas v. DOA feud continues unabated. Skull powerslams Jose and drops elbows, and 8-Ball gets a clothesline for two. Miguel comes in with an elbow in the corner and a dropkick, but a sunset flip is blocked for two. The Boriquas choke away in the corner as Shawn does progressively worse at poker on the floor. Hot tag to the other bald guy and Savio uses a 2x4 on him and the Boriquas win at 4:43. Just brutal. 1/2*

- So the poker game continues, with Shawn now puffing on a cigar and refreshments served, and Chyna keeps winning. Sadly, the Headbangers come out and interrupt the game, so Shawn smashes the whiskey bottle on Mosh's head and Thrasher goes through the table. Good, that was pretty rude of them. And now Owen Hart finally does his run-in and beats on Shawn, before escaping into the crowd again.

Jeff Jarrett v. Vader

Aztec Warrior Jeff! Sadly, TAFKA Goldust heads out and "flashes" Vader, leading him on a chase that results in Jarrett winning by countout. Clearly they had no clue what to do with Jarrett.

Salvatore Sincere v. Marvelous Marc Mero

Mero goes on a rant before the match, EXPOSING Sincere as a "jobber" with a "stupid gimmick" named "Tom Brandi". My ears are burning at this use of insider terminology! Someone call Vince! McMahon, not Russo. JR responds to Mero's shots at the gimmick with "I'm a b-a-a-a-a-ad man". Touche. Sable comes out in a potato sack, but quickly reveals a very small bikini, giving us our second non-match countout finish in a row. Brandi's all "Who's the job guy now, huh?" Still you, Tom. Still you.

Intercontinental title: Steve Austin v. The Rock

Nope, another non-match, as Austin refuses to defend the title, so he has to face Vince's "consequences". And THE ROCK THINKS YOU SHOULD FIRE HIM. Vince: "You stay out of this." Awesomeness. Austin is looking past this rinky-dink title anyway, so Rock can have the belt, because he wants the WORLD TITLE. Rock's delight at getting the belt is great, as is his shocked reaction when Austin turns on him and gives him the stunner anyway. Austin takes the belt back (although Rock is the champion officially now) and promises big ratings next week.

Man, you sure don't watch these shows for the wrestling, as we're clearly into the Russo era now, with swerves and industry-exposing interviews and non-finishes out the yin-yang. But for 90 minutes that flies by and entertains the hell out of you, there's nothing better.

I have been waiting anxiously for this one for a while now.

Disc One

- Hosted by Mean Gene

- So let us take you back to the Rock N Wrestling era in 1985, as SNME replaces SNL reruns once every few weeks…

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Cowboy Bob Orton

Hogan and Mr. T rip each others' shirts off to start. And people thought Piper and Orton were gay? Orton tries the sneak attack, but Hogan chases him out of the ring and then back in for a backdrop. Three bodyslams and Orton takes a powder and finally gets his chaps off. Back in, Orton misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Hogan to work on the broken arm. He's got a CAST. Clearly it's broken! What kind of sportsmanship is that? Orton comes back with a high knee that looked like it was supposed to be a dropkick, and he drops a fist to take over. Atomic drop gets two. Orton punches Hogan to his knees, but it's time for the comeback. Clothesline and elbowdrop get two for Hulk, and he pounds away in the corner until Orton takes him down with an atomic drop. He sets up for the superplex, but Hogan elbows him down and drops the leg, bringing Piper in for the DQ at 7:24. Given 15 minutes at a house show this would have been pretty good, actually. **1/4 Clearly they were still mastering the visual and audio feel of the show, as the lights are dimmer and the crowd isn't as overly jacked as they would make it seem later on.

- Uncle Elmer's wedding begins a great tradition of nuptials on wrestling shows turning into a three-ring circus.

Paul Orndorff v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

One of the greatest feuds that never got settled or even had a finish. Piper slugs Orndorff down and gives him an Orton punt, but Paul fires back and bites him on the mat. They rip and tear at each other on the mat and Piper gets a DDT out of it and boots him out of the ring. They brawl to the floor and Piper hits him with a chair, but Orndorff sends him into the table and they head back in. Orndorff comes off the top with a big elbow and adds a backdrop suplex, but Piper pokes him in the eyes and puts him down with a kneelift. They collide and knock each other out, but Orndorff recovers in time to block a splash. They fight up and out of the ring, and it's a double countout at 4:00, brawling all the way to the back. And we continue from there with Piper hiding in the dressing room and locking the door. Should have been a hardcore match on PPV to blow it off. **

- "Jungle" Gene tours the zoo with George Steele.

- Halloween with the WWF. Roddy Piper's trick-or-treating tips is worth the price of admission, although edited down to only a clip.

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Terry Funk

From SNME #4. Hulk gets a corner clothesline to put Funk on the floor, and then back in for another one and another bump by Funk. Back in, they do a funny criss-cross with Hulk stepping on Funk's back, and now Terry's getting frustrated. I always hate to see a scientifically minded wrestler having to deal with a cheater like Hogan. So back in again and Funk throws chops in the corner, but Hulk punches him and Funk bumps to the apron this time. Back in, Hogan gets the backdrop suplex for two, but Funk goes low and stomps away. To the top, but Hulk brings him down on his crotch and adds an atomic drop and an elbowdrop. Hulk tries a headlock, but Jimmy Hart trips him up and then hides under the ring. This gives Funk the chance to choke Hulk out with his wrist tape, and a piledriver gets two. However, it's time for the Hulk Up, and the big boot puts Funk on the apron. Hulk suplexes him back in, but Hart hooks the leg and Funk gets two. JYD takes out Jimmy, and Hulk pins Funk after a lariat at 8:14. Funk tosses chairs at Hogan and Jesse calls it "Texas sportsmanship". Good bumps from Funk and lots of chemistry between these two. ***

Boxing match: Cowboy Bob Orton v. Mr. T

This of course was a precursor to Wrestlemania 2. Orton attacks before the bell and they trade some weak stuff before Orton thumbs him in the eye and then hits him with a cheapshot over the ref's head to end the round. Round two sees Orton getting all cocky, but T knocks him out of the ring for the countout at 5:00. Stupid but harmless.

Snake Pit Match: Jake Roberts v. Ricky Steamboat

Ricky is on the arm to start and a backdrop gets two. Faceplant gets two and Jake makes a run for it, but runs right back into the armbar. Jake breaks out, but misses a charge and Steamboat follows with a catapult into the corner. Flying splash hits knee, however. They both crawl for their animals, but Jake recovers first and dives in with a gutbuster for two. Short-arm clothesline gets two. Jake chokes him out on the mat and hits him with a kneelift, as Steamboat staggers around the ring just selling the hell out of it. Jake with an atomic drop, but Steamboat catches him with a crucifix for the surprise pin at 6:23. Jake doesn't take it well and beats on Steamboat before pulling out the snake, but luckily Steamboat is armed with a Komodo dragon for just such an emergency. **1/2

Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. Jake Roberts

They actually use the promos for the 1992 match to set this up. This was an unheard-of heel v. heel match. They both try the sneak attack, which is hilarious, and then both of them pull the hair on an armbar. Savage gets all freaked out by the snake, or maybe the drugs, who knows, allowing Jake to takes him down with a headlock and more hair-pulling. Jake goes for the DDT and Savage slips out to the floor. Back in, and he walks into a boot, but another DDT attempt is blocked and Savage blocks a blind charge with a knee to the head. That gets two. He stomps away for two and drops the knee for two, as Jesse glories in the "good, down-home cheating". Savage elbows him down and gets two. Choking on the ropes gets two. He works the cover, but Jake slugs back, so Savage ties him in the ropes and then shoves the snake under the ring. He stops to gloat, however, and Jake catches him with a kneelift on the apron and retrieves the snake again. They trade armbars and Jake gets the short-arm clothesline for two off that and the crowd is clearly on his side. He actually pulls out a gourdbuster and gets two, then slugs Savage down. Another DDT is blocked and Macho heads to the floor to escape, and hides behind Elizabeth. That gives him time to run Roberts into the post, and he follows with the double axehandle to the floor, and back in we go. Another flying axehandle gets two. He goes up again and Jake catches him on the way down and makes the comeback, completely playing babyface now. They brawl to the floor and the ref gets wiped out for the double DQ at 9:20. A lost classic, to be sure. ***1/2

Steel cage match, WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Paul Orndorff

Well this had to be there. Orndorff miraculously gains elbowpads in between his pre-match promo and walking out for the match seconds later. Heenan has apparently purchased "championship belt insurance" for the inevitable victory, leading me to wonder what retard insurance agent sold him THAT policy. I mean, even in the kayfabe world I don't think it's disputed that the belt belongs to the WWF and not the holder. Orndorff goes with the sneak attack and makes a quick climb for it, but Hogan grabs the hair, leading to one of the all-time classic Jesse-isms: Hogan would not be the champion if Mr. Wonderful was bald. Hulk drags him back in and chokes away with the headband, then makes a run for it himself. Orndorff pulls him back in and knees him down, but Hulk clings to the foot to keep him from leaving. Hulk pops up and slugs away, but Heenan locks the door and Hulk can't leave. Orndorff headbutts him down and stomps him. He tries to run Hogan into the cage, but both guys hit it and they're both out. And then the famous finish, as both guys climb out and drop down simultaneously, so we have a restart. Really, the later Batista-Undertaker riff on this one had it right, in that it's the challenger's onus to beat the champion, so it should have been a Hogan victory. And you won't hear that often from me. So we take a break and they brawl around the floor before Orndorff sends him back in and drops an elbow from the top. He chokes away and Jesse is TIRED of Vince's biased announcing. Hulk Up and Orndorff goes into the cage a few times, setting up a legdrop and exit for Hogan at 13:02. And a beating for poor Bobby Heenan, of course. The replays (and benefits of DVD freeze-framing 20 years later) clearly show Hogan's feet hitting the floor first, too. ***1/4

Battle Royale

This is the go home show for Wrestlemania III and according to Gene scored the highest rating ever for a show in that timeslot with an 11 rating. The hook here is that both Hulk and Andre are participating. You've also got Demolition (with Barry Darsow's hair still slowly coming in), Ron Bass, Volkoff, the Islanders, Honky Tonk Man, Paul Orndorff, the Killer Bees, Koko B Ware, Sika, Butch Reed, Billy Jack, Hillbilly, Lanny Poffo and Blackjack Mulligan. Honky goes up and out less than a minute in via Hogan, and then Andre tosses Sika. He continues smartly going after big guys, ramming Hillbilly and Mulligan's heads together and then tossing Haku. A headbutt draws blood on Poffo and then he goes out as well. Andre's pretty bad-ass tonight. Poffo's blade is gory stuff for network TV, as he bleeds all over the floor and gets taken out on a stretcher. Hogan fights off the heels and dumps Bass, so Andre responds by putting Mulligan out. Hulk backdrops Volkoff out, so Andre headbutts the shit out of Brian Blair and gets rid of him. He deserved it for the tennis shoes. The Heenan Family works Hulk over in the corner, but he breaks free and we get the showdown with Andre. Sadly the heels cut him off and beat Hogan down, so Hulk tosses Orndorff out. This allows Andre to headbutt Hogan from behind and get rid of him. That was pretty shocking stuff for the time. Andre throws Brunzell out in irritated fashion, but everyone stops and gangs up on Andre and gets rid of him, another thing you just didn't ever see. Ax, Tama and Hillbilly Jim all go in rapid succession. Koko dropkicks Reed out, leaving us with Hercules & Smash on the heel side and Billy Jack & Koko for the faces. Hercules keeps trying to get Koko out and Haynes keeps saving him, but Herc eventually gets the job done, leaving Billy against Herc and Smash. Billy dodges Hercules and puts Smash out, but gets distracted by Bobby and that allows Herc to dump him for the win at 11:11. Silly as it sounds, this was probably Herc's peak in the sport.

WWF World tag titles: The Hart Foundation v. The British Bulldogs

This is 2/3 falls and I've been waiting forever for this to get put on DVD. Davey works Bret's arm to start, but Bret goes to a headlock. Davey monkey-flips out of it and gets a crucifix for two, but he runs into Bret's knee. Over to Anvil and we get some cheating in the corner. Bret with a backbreaker for two and he drops the leg, but a blind charge hits knee and it's over to Dynamite. Bret takes his corner bump and Kid brings him out by the hair, then a short clothesline gets two. Snap suplex gets two. Anvil comes in and tosses Davey, and they double-team until the ref calls for the DQ at 4:35. This becomes important later.

Second fall and the Harts are beating on Kid in the corner. Demolition elbow gets two. The Harts cut the ring in half and Anvil chokes Kid down while Danny Davis makes a nuisance of himself and distracts Davey. Bret ties the Kid up in the ropes and misses a charge, and it's hot tag Davey Boy. Clothesline on Anvil gets two. Delayed suplex gets two. Anvil catches him with his head down and the Harts double-team in the corner, but Anvil hits Bret by mistake, Tito gets rid of Davis, and Smith presses Kid into Anvil for the pin at 9:33. The arena goes batshit insane, but Jesse points out that you can't win the titles on a disqualification. However, two years later precedent would change and establish that you can indeed win them that way. So the Bulldogs kind of got screwed here. Classic Bulldogs-Harts stuff here, compressed a bit for TV time. ***

Intercontinental title: Honky Tonk Man v. Randy Savage

Conventional wisdom had Savage mopping the ring with Honky and winning the title in 30 seconds. Honky gets the sneak attack, but Savage dodges him and snaps the neck on the top rope before choking him out. Elbow out of the corner and he goes after Jimmy Hart, which allows Honky to clobber him from behind and take over. Honky drops a knee on the back and goes up with the fistdrop, but stops to go hit on Liz. Savage pounds him outside and drops the axehandle to the floor, then runs him into the corner and rolls him up for two. Backdrop suplex gets two, but Jimmy pulls him off. Back up, but Hart grabs the leg, so Savage boots him down and gets another axehandle for two. And Hart pulls him off AGAIN, prompting Savage to kick his ass. Honky tries a sunset flip but gets nailed by Savage, and the Hart Foundation head out to tend to their manager. They all bring Jimmy back to the dressing room and we take a break, and return with Savage whomping on Honky again. Savage fires away with elbows in the corner, but misses a blind charge and Honky takes over again with a backdrop. He goes up with the fistdrop, but misses and Savage makes the comeback. He chokes Honky down in the corner and elbows him for two. Suplex gets two. Honky tosses him to allow the Harts their shots while he distracts the ref. Back in, he goes for Shake Rattle and Roll, but Savage backdrops out of it and drops the big elbow. The Harts run in for the DQ at 12:11, however, and the beating commences. *** However, the real big money angle follows, as Honky wants to hit Savage with the guitar, but Liz gets in his way and begs for mercy. Honky, a true renaissance man, shoves her down and HOLY COW was this huge for 1987. Like, no one had ever laid a finger on her up until then, and even the threat of it sent Savage into a psychotic rage, so this was a major turning point for the character. So Savage takes the guitar to the head, but Liz returns with Hulk Hogan, giving birth to the MegaPowers and putting several million dollars in Vince's pocket.

- From the same show, Koko B. Ware's "Piledriver" video, with the babyfaces (and Vince) as creepy construction workers.

Randy Savage v. Bret Hart

Well you gotta have this one, too. What an awesome DVD. Vince basically told Bret beforehand to go out and show him that he could work the leg. Savage attacks and runs Bret into the post, but charges and hits the corner himself. Bret stomps him down in the corner, but Savage catches him with his head down and then sends him off the apron, giving us one of the first railing bumps of Bret's singles career. Savage gets rid of Neidhart and Jimmy, but he jumps at Bret and gets hit with the megaphone on the way down. Back in, Hart drops the leg and hangs Savage in the Tree of Woe, then follows with a piledriver for two. A charge misses and Savage runs him into the post and then follows with a flying axehandle for two. Bret comes back with a backbreaker and drops the elbow from the middle rope, but that one misses. Savage necksnaps him for two, but charges and gets backdropped to the floor, injuring his ankle in the process. Liz takes his boot off to examine the injury, and we take a break. Back with Savage now wrestling in one boot and doing a valiant job of selling that injury. Bret goes right for it, ramming it into the post and then going with a spinning toehold. Savage fights back with a necksnap for two, but Bret goes right back to the leg and puts him in a half-crab. Savage makes the ropes, so Bret hauls him back in and pounds on the ankle, forcing Savage to rake the face. Bret slams him, but Savage rolls him up for the pin at 11:54. This is memorable for good reason, basically laying out the template for later main event matches to come in the 90s. ****

Special Features:

George Steele, Nikolai Volkoff & Iron Sheik v. Barry Windham, Mike Rotundo & Ricky Steamboat.

This is of course the first ever match on Saturday Night's Main Event. Windham headlocks Sheik to start and follows with a hiptoss, and the faces work the arm in the corner. Rotundo drops an elbow for two, but Steamboat walks into the abdominal stretch, although he's able to hiptoss out quickly. The faces clear the ring and we take a break. Back with Steamboat hitting a missile dropkick on the Sheik, and the flying bodypress gets two. Over to Volkoff and the US Express hits him with a double dropkick for two. Rotundo drops a leg for two. Rollup gets two. Backslide gets two. Sunset flip is too close to the ropes. Over to Windham and he gets another sunset flip that is in the ropes, and finally Animal comes in. Windham slugs away on him and the other heels decide to cut their losses and leave, allowing Windham to roll up Steele for the pin at 6:32. Sheik and Volkoff turn on him and attack, but Steele fights them off and aligns himself with Lou Albano for the face turn. This was fine. **

- And hey, just to turn the Cheesy 80s Meter up to 11, here's "Real American", the music video. My favorite is Hulk disgustedly tossing down the picture of Quadafi, back when anyone gave a shit about Libya.

- And JYD dances with his mother to close out the first show.

Disc Two

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy

BUNDYMANIA. Bundy charges and misses to start, allowing Hogan to run him into the turnbuckles and put him on the floor with the big boot. Back in, Hulk throws elbows and a clothesline to put him out again. Back in, Hogan wins a slugfest and starts working on the arm, but Bundy takes him down using BIG FAT CHAIN WRESTLING. Vince accuses him of using the hair. What hair? Hulk powers up and tries to knock Bundy down, but runs into an elbow and Bundy goes back to the arm again. Hulk fights out of it and slams Bundy, but misses an elbowdrop. Bundy also slams him and misses an elbowdrop, and now Hogan makes the comeback. Corner clothesline, but Bundy reverses him into the corner and hits the Avalanche. The ref is bumped in the process and Hulk makes the comeback, putting Bundy on the floor. They call for medical assistance for the ref and we take a break. Back with a fresh ref and Bundy attacks in the corner, then hits a clothesline. Kneedrop gets two. Bundy chops Hulk to the floor and chokes away on the apron before going to a chinlock. Andre yells "Ring the bell!" at Hebner, but this is Dave and we're not in Montreal, so it doesn't work. Bundy hits a pair of Avalanches and a big splash, but Hogan is up at two and it's time for the comeback. Legdrop finishes at 12:08. Jesse argues that Bundy's foot was touching Hulk's so it should be a legal pin, but you have to actually pin the other guy's shoulders to the mat, hence the name. In case that was keeping you up at night. Which means, for those truly anal types, that someone blacking out in the figure-four and getting pinned is not actually legal, unless the interpretation is that the ref is counting the person as unable to continue and just counting three as a way to determine that. ** Andre beats the holy hell out of Hulk after his win until a legion of babyfaces run out and pull him off, all of which leads up to…

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant

From The Main Event, on live network primetime TV. This did ungodly numbers and blows away all other ratings for wrestling matches. It also has one of the most famous finishes in history. As a match, not so good. Another first here as it marks the debut of the classic winged eagle WWF title belt, although Hulk's pre-match interview sees him wearing the older design. Pretty big production gaffe there. Amazingly, that belt design would last for 10 years, second only to the Big Gold Belt (23 years and counting!) and the current I-C title (11 years and sorely in need of a redo). Hulk cleans house on Dibiase and Virgil to start and then slugs away on Andre, but can't knock him down. Hulk tries a corner clothesline, but still can't punch him down, even after spinning his arm around like Popeye! That would KILL a normal man! He finally tries to go up, but Andre slams him off and then misses a headbutt. Andre chokes him out and stomps him, then puts him down with the headbutts. Big boot puts Hulk on the floor, and Virgil sends him back in for some more choking. Hogan fights up and slugs away in the corner, then gets a flying clothesline and drops the leg. The ref is busy with Virgil, and Andre headbutts Hogan from behind and suplexes him for the pin and the title at 9:04, despite Hogan's shoulder being up at one. Pff, technicalities. So Andre immediately surrenders the title to Ted Dibiase as Hogan cries like a little bitch instead of manning up and doing something about it. I really wish 24/7 would show one of the house shows with Dibiase "defending" the title against Bam Bam Bigelow, for historical reasons if nothing else. I don't know if any of them were taped for TV, though. Anyway, the really shocking thing here is that this isn't even the worst refereeing job Earl Hebner would do in his career. Much better than their Wrestlemania match. That's not saying much. **

Randy Savage v. Ted Dibiase

This was two weeks before Wrestlemania IV, making it kind of weird that they'd give away the main event on free TV beforehand. Dibiase attacks in the corner and elbows him down, then goes up and hits an elbow before choking him out. Savage comes back with an elbow out of the corner and puts him on the floor with a high knee before sending him back in for the flying axehandle. Dibiase tries for mercy, but Savage clotheslines him for two and then follows with a necksnap as Dibiase does his usual great bumping. Dibiase bails and Savage invites him right back in. Dibiase chops him down and drops the fist, but runs into a knee in the corner and Savage drops his own elbow for two. Kneedrop misses and Dibiase goes right after it with a spinning toehold, but Savage kicks him out of the ring to escape. Dibiase yanks him out and they brawl on the floor, allowing Virgil to dive in for the cheapshot. Nice. That earns him a trip back to the dressing room. RACISM! We take a break and return with Dibiase getting a flying axehandle before dropping an elbow for two. And we hit the chinlock. Savage fights out and backdrops him, but the ref is bumped and Savage tosses Dibiase out. He follows with the axehandle to the floor, but Andre lays him out and Liz runs away for you know who. Savage gets counted out at 11:36, although Dibiase probably should have gone over by pin to really set up the WM main better. Hulk chases off the heels with a chair, as I'm thinking they should have some sort of tag team match with these four. Perhaps on PPV. They might call it Summerslam. ***1/2

- Another high point for the sport, as Jake Roberts induces a heart attack in Andre by using his snake.

Hulk Hogan v. Harley Race

From the same show as the Savage-Dibiase match. Race attacks, but even his headbutts have no effect. Hulk clotheslines him out of the ring and onto a table at ringside, and Hogan runs him into the post to follow. Hulk goes after Heenan and Race tries to piledrive him on the floor as a result, but Hogan backdrops out and hits an atomic drop. Back to the post for Race and Hogan slams him on the floor and then chops away in the ring. Hogan chokes him out with the wrist tape and follows with a tape-assisted clothesline. Vince is all "the ends justify the means, Jesse". Who knew Hulk would be teaching all his little Hulkamaniacs to be so Machiavellian? Although after Montreal it was no surprise that Vince would take that road. Race finally comes back and gets a piledriver, then tosses Hogan for a taste of his own medicine, putting him on the table and trying a diving headbutt. That misses and the table kinda breaks, but at the cost of giving Race an abdominal injury that would later end his career. Back in, Race comes off the top with a diving headbutt, but it only gets two and you know the rest at 6:58. This was quite the brawl and set up a really good house show series between them. ***

WWF World title: Randy Savage v. Andre the Giant

Skipping ahead to the end of 1988 now, with Savage getting more heelish and paranoid. Savage tries attacking and that goes badly for him, as Andre chops him down and pounds him in the corner. Andre holds him in a front facelock and chokes away with the strap. Savage tries a slam like an idiot and Andre just holds him at arm's length and then headbutts him down before choking him out again. Savage gets a kind-of jawbreaker and makes the comeback, but Andre chokes him down in the corner again. Savage gets the axehandle and tries choking Andre down, as Jake Roberts (in a classy leather ensemble) joins us at ringside. So we take a break and return with Andre pounding Savage down while Bobby freaks out at ringside looking for Damian. Bobby finally finds it and comes into the ring for the DQ at 8:38. This was all just a setup for the Andre-Roberts feud, although the crowd heat was off the charts. *1/2

- Hacksaw reminisces about flying the flag on SNME.

Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Honky Tonk Man

Welcome to the Warrior era. Warrior beats on Honky right away and presses him into the ring as Vince spews nonsense about Honky potentially being the first person to regain the I-C title. There's forgetting history, but Tito Santana regained the belt less than four years before this! Warrior pounds away in the corner and follows with a shoulderblock, but misses a blind charge and Honky hits him with the megaphone to take over. That's how out of Warrior's league Honky was -- he couldn't even get a heat segment without hitting him four times with the megaphone. Honky chokes away on the ropes, but the canned heat machine rallies Warrior back to his feet before he misses an elbow. The dubbed crowd reactions are really obvious here. Warrior clotheslines him down and tries to finish with a splash, but hits knee. Like seriously, the dubbing is so heavy that you can't even hear the ring mic, it's ridiculous. Warrior finishes with a shoulderblock at 5:05. * Not sure why this was included, unless they were just like "I guess we've gotta put a Warrior match on there".

- A video package highlights the haircut match between Ron Bass & Brutus Beefcake.

The Megapowers v. The Twin Towers

From the second Main Event. Hogan starts with Bossman after 2 minutes of drama on the subject of who will start, and he slugs away and puts him on the floor with an atomic drop. Back in, Bossman fires away, but Hogan rams him into the turnbuckles and he runs away again. Savage adds a shot from behind, and gosh the Megapowers are sure working well together tonight. So over to Akeem and the faces pinball him in the corner and then do some double-teaming to show how together they are. Bossman catches Hulk with a clothesline, however, and follows with a piledriver. Akeem pounds the back and Bossman follows with a spinebuster, but Hogan fights up and finally tags Savage in after 8 minutes. Macho hits Akeem with a flying bodypress for two, but Slick nails him with the nightstick and the Towers take over again. Double-team elbow puts Savage down and Akeem tosses him, but Elizabeth helps him back in again. So Akeem chucks him right out again, and this time he wipes out Liz and the crowd is SHOCKED. I mean, you could see jaws drop in the front row at that bump. Hogan immediately ignores his partner and goes to help his secret lover, and the Towers proceed to double-teaming Savage while Hogan carries Liz back to the dressing room like Superman carrying Supergirl on the cover of Crisis #7.

So back to the dressing room we go as Hogan shows the acting skills that prove why he was apparently offered the lead role in The Wrestler (although he certainly wouldn't be offered the lead role in The Actor based off his performance). So we take a break to keep the drama from getting too heavy, and return with Savage getting pounded, but we cut back to the Hogan-Liz drama. Sadly they omit Hogan calling for the "tiz-ime" count on live TV, but that's an understandable edit. Liz revives and Hogan rushes out to save the day (as the Towers are apparently so useless that they couldn't even beat Randy Savage despite having a 2-on-1 advantage for 5 minutes straight) and the Towers hit a double-team backbreaker on Savage. Savage comes back with the flying axehandle, but he doesn't want to tag out. Finally he does so by slapping Hogan right on his lustful, selfish face, and he walks out. Serves Hogan right. The Towers continue beating on Hulk, but he hulks up on Akeem and pins him with the legdrop at 18:33. *** I'd subtract 1/2* for the terrible, terrible acting, but that hardly seems fair.

Hulk storms back to the dressing room as Savage cuts a promo on the recovering Liz, and then Savage cuts the heel promo of a LIFETIME, unleashing all his crazy and paranoia in one awesome rage-filled rant. This is why I loved Macho Man so much. It's such a great bit of character acting from Savage, too, as he had been repressing his true nature for a year, but the knowledge that he had never beaten Hogan for his beloved title just ate him alive and caused him to revert to his primal nature. Of course, we later learned that he really was batshit insane in real life, too, but that kind of adds to the charm, I think.

WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Big Bossman

Thanks to the pre-match attack of Zeus, Bossman is able to gain control to start, but Hogan gets a clothesline out of the corner and slugs away. Big boot and Hogan tries to climb out, but Bossman nails him from behind and brings him down. Big splash and Bossman slam follow and Bossman tries to climb, as Jesse questions the wisdom of not just walking out the door. Bossman exits with ease, but Hogan grabs him by the throat and hauls him back in for the famous superplex off the top of the cage. They sell that one for quite a while and Hogan revives first, but can't make it out the door. Bossman comes back with a clothesline and gets a chain from Slick, using it to choke Hogan down, but they ram each other into the cage. Hulk rams him into the turnbuckles and retrieves the chain, knocking Bossman out with it and then running him into the cage multiple times. Legdrop, but Slick takes matters into his own hands and comes into the cage. Hogan disposes of him and steals his cuffs, then cuffs Bossman to the ring and walks out at 10:00. Famous but still overrated in general. *** Couldn't do this set without it, though.

The Brainbusters v. The Rockers

This is not the famous first match, but rather the less-famous 2/3 falls rematch. Marty controls Tully with an armbar and puts him down with an elbow, and a sunset flip gets the pin at 1:40. Heenan flips out on his team and the Rockers get a double-rollup for two and follow with a double superkick to put the Busters on the floor. Bobby has had enough and walks out on his team, leaving Arn to slug it out with Shawn in the corner. Shawn gets a hiptoss and then follows with a rana on Tully before cleaning house. Double hiptoss on Arn, but AA goes low and brings Tully in. Shawn hits him with a kneelift for two and tries a flying headscissor, but Arn clotheslines him on the top rope and Tully gets the pin at 5:00. We take a break and return with Tully going after the weakened Shawn, and AA follows with a spinebuster for two. Arn does the knucklelock spot and hits Shawn's knees, but Tully tosses him to recover. Shawn comes back in with a high cross for two, but he collides with Arn and both guys are out. Hot tag Marty and he dropkicks both Busters, but Arn catches him with his head down. The Busters set him up for the spike piledriver, but Shawn gets rid of Tully and finishes Arn with the high cross at 9:04. And Tully and Arn end their WWF career putting the Rockers over, which is somehow fitting. Not the best representation of their series, but still fast-paced and fun. ***

Special Features:

- Brother Love interviews Hulk Hogan on the subject of Big Bossman's previous attack.

Dusty Rhodes v. Big Bossman

Bossman attacks and gets repelled, but catches Dusty from behind. Slick chokes away, which angers a vocal fan at ringside. Dusty eats post and Bossman pounds him back in the ring and starts working on the arm. He knees Dusty down and stays on the arm, then elbows him down. He misses a charge, however, allowing Big Dust to slug him down. Bossman chokes him on the ropes, however, and then makes the mistake of stalling, which allows the cheap rollup finish at 4:39. The annoying fan at ringside joins Dusty for some dancing in the ring, and would later be known as Sapphire. *

Disc Three

- Mr. Perfect and the Genius steal the WWF title belt and smash it with a hammer, because they want a title shot!

Mr. Perfect & The Genius v. Hulk Hogan & The Ultimate Warrior

Hogan powers Perfect into the corner to start and slams both heels, which has them running. Over to Warrior for some noggin knocking and Perfect bumps all over the place. Back to Hogan and Perfect slugs away on him in the corner, but Hulk fires back with an elbow in the corner and sends him into the post. Back in, Perfect bounces out of the corner like a superball while Genius takes notes on his scroll. Hulk drops elbows and puts Perfect on the floor again with a big boot, but the SCROLL OF DEATH turns the tide. The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Back in, Hulk with a small package for two, but Perfect clotheslines him down again. Necksnap and it's over to the Genius for some prancing, which has Warrior fired up. There's no displays of individual lifestyle choices when Warrior's around! Perfectplex gets two. He releases the hold and lets Genius attempt the moonsault, but Hulk blocks and it's hot tag Warrior. He destroys Genius, but Hulk tags himself in and drops the leg for the pin at 7:48. Fun stuff with crazy Perfect bumps. *** And of course an errant clothesline sets up Wrestlemania VI.

Hulk Hogan v. Mr. Perfect

Hulk sends Perfect into the corner and adds a series of slams, which has Perfect running to the floor. Back in, Perfect whips him into the corner and slugs away, then dodges the big boot and goes to confer with the Genius. Hogan sends him into the post as a result, and they head back in for a Hogan clothesline and a corner clothesline. Axe bomber and an elbow in the corner puts Perfect back on the floor and Hogan follows for the brawl while Jesse points out all the rules broken by Hulk. Finally Perfect has had ENOUGH of Hulk's rulebreaking and he hits him with the scroll to take over, and we take a break. Back in, Perfect with the necksnap, but Hulk pops up and fires away with elbows. He puts his down, however, and Perfect hits him with the Ax forearm and NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX. And you know how it goes from there. Legdrop at 7:54. **1/2

The Rockers v. The Hart Foundation

Still from the April show, not the more famous lost match from October 90. Bret and Marty do a nice sequence to start and Shawn comes in with a high cross for two. Rockers double-team Bret with a legsweep, but Anvil storms in and clotheslines them both to a big pop. He headlocks Marty and overpowers him, but Marty uses speed and hooks a facelock to bring him into the Rocker corner. Over to Shawn, and although he can't get a slam, he can get a dropkick for two. Another bodypress attempt is blocked with a powerslam, however, and it's over to Bret. Atomic drop and clothesline for Shawn follow, and he adds the cheapshot from the apron as Anvil comes back in. Bret drops an elbow and sends Shawn into the corner, and the Harts do the double-team whip in their corner, which gets two for Anvil. Back to Bret, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for two as Demolition joins us at ringside. This breaks Bret's concentration, allowing Shawn to dropkick him out of the ring and we take a break. Back with Bret beating on Shawn in the corner, but he misses the second rope elbow. Hot tag Marty and he puts Bret down with a back elbow. Powerslam for Bret and a superkick gets two. Marty with a sunset flip for two. Bret comes back with a neckbreaker, but slingshots Anvil in and misses, allowing Marty to bring Shawn back in again. Neidhart absolutely levels him with a shoulderblock for two, but Shawn elbows him down for two. Bodypress gets two, but Demolition gets involved and a brawl erupts at 9:16. ***1/2

Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Tito Santana

Tito quickly gets a pair of armdrags and a dropkick to put Perfect on the floor. They do a chase out there and head back in, but Tito puts his head down and gets clotheslined. Perfect with a necksnap and he goes to a neck vice, but Tito fights up and the ref gets taken out. Tito goes to work on Perfect's leg and hooks the figure-four, but the ref is busy selling the knee. Flying forearm gets two. Another try gets two, and we get a new ref as we take a break. Back with Tito getting a bodypress for two, but Perfect gets a cheapshot and hammers away. Necksnap and Perfect pounds on him, but Tito comes back and Perfect does the ringpost bump. Tito with a pair of atomic drops and Perfect dives into the turnbuckle, then bumps into a clothesline from Tito that gets two. Tito puts his head down, but suckers Perfect into a small package for two, which Perfect reverses into his own for the pin at 10:05. As usual with Tito, this had great heat and solid work. ***1/2

- The guys reminisce about Oktoberfest. Gene introducing the Genius as the "master sausage stuffer" is pretty funny. And of course a food fight erupts.

Battle Royale

From April 91, the dying days of the show on NBC. We've got Hulk, Earthquake, Rockers, Orient Express, Jake Roberts, Jim Duggan, Texas Tornado, Warlord, Tugboat, Mr. Perfect, Haku, Greg Valentine, Power & Glory, Big Bossman, Barbarian, British Bulldog and Jimmy Snuka. Roma and Jannetty put each other out and then it's a whole lot of milling around and punching. Hulk and Hammer team up with elbows on Perfect, but can't put him on the floor. Warlord dumps Bulldog and Tanaka goes out off-camera. Quake takes Snake. Jake gets pissed and lets the snake slither around the ring, so the ref halts the match and we take a break. Back with Hulk and Tugboat having a dramatic altercation until Warlord interrupts and gets tossed out for his troubles. Barbarian puts Tornado out, and Duggan stands there going "Hooo" until Earthquake tosses him out. Hulk dumps Quake in retribution. Hulk puts Kato out, but Tug puts Hulk out, then Shawn puts Tug and Herc out. Wow, good showing for Michaels. Perfect dropkicks Bossman into a Barbarian backdrop over the top, making him the only choice left with a shot to win. Shawn dropkicks Haku out and goes after Perfect, but can't get him over the top. Shawn bumps to the apron, however, and Perfect slugs him to the floor and out. That leaves Perfect, Valentine and Barbarian. Hammer can't get Barbarian out and the heels double-team him, but Perfect accidentally dropkicks Barbarian out of the match. Perfect and Hammer exchange chops in the corner and Perfect goes down, then Hammer puts him down with an elbow for good measure. He drops the elbows and tosses Perfect, but he still won't go out. Another go at it and Perfect takes him out while holding the ropes, winning the match.

Bret Hart v. Ted Dibiase

Wow, pulling out all the rarities. Also from the April 91 show. Dibiase slugs away in the corner, but Bret comes back with a hiptoss and a pair of clotheslines before clotheslining Dibiase to the floor and following with a pescado. Back in, Bret grabs a headlock, but gets tripped up by Sherri before recovering with a rollup for two. Bret charges and runs into a stungun, however, and Dibiase takes over with a piledriver. That gets two. Dibiase tosses him and Sherri gets some cheapshots, and back in for the choking. Bret takes the corner bump and it's Million Dollar Dream time, but Bret runs him into the corner to break. Bret makes the comeback and Dibiase begs off, so Bret gives him an atomic drop and back elbow for two. Russian legsweep gets two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Sherri trips Bret up again and this time he chases her (Piper: "This is on purpose!" Ya think?), which allows Dibiase to attack from behind. And in fact Piper is so pissed that he leaves the "booth" and heads down to help Bret, sending Sherri running with a broom. Back in the ring, Bret hammers away in the corner, but Dibiase chases after Piper and Bret follows for the lame double countout at 9:37. Weak, this was in **** territory before the cop-out finish. ***1/2

- So in 1992, the show moves to FOX, and I don't get to watch it anymore as a result.

Hulk Hogan & Sid Justice v. Ric Flair & Undertaker

Flair starts with Sid and gets backdropped out of the corner, and it's over to Hulk. He hiptosses both heels and runs Taker into Sid's knee. Sid adds a slam, as does Hulk, and the heels bail and regroup. Back in, Taker gets an uppercut on Sid and Flair adds a clothesline for two. They double-team Sid, but Hulk comes in for the brawl and they give Flair the double-boot and clear the ring. Hulk poses and Sid looks none too pleased about him hogging the spotlight. We take a break and return with Undertaker attacking Sid while he seethes, and we get double-teaming in the heel corner. Sid rams them together and brings Hulk back in, but Flair takes out the leg and goes to work. Figure-four, but Sid turns his back on him. The heels continue to double-team, but Hogan slams Flair off the top…and Sid denies him the tag again. Hulk hits the heels with a double clothesline…and Sid takes a walk. Flair tosses the ref for the DQ at 10:58, allowing Hulk to clean house. Nothing as a match, but again it had to be here for the Sid heel turn. *1/2

- Clips of Piper v. Mountie from the same show, as Piper reveals his shock-proof vest to retain the IC title.

Intercontinental title: Davey Boy Smith v. Shawn Michaels

Bulldog overpowers him to start, of course, so Shawn goes with the cheapshot, into a hiptoss and short-arm scissors. Hey, wonder what Bulldog will do to counter? And yes indeed, he powers Shawn up and drops him on the mat. Press slam follows and a clotheslines puts Shawn on the floor, as he's just bumping all over the place in his big solo network debut. Back in, Shawn slugs away in the corner, but Bulldog wins a battle of reversals and gets the armbar. Shawn dumps him to escape and unties the turnbuckle, as we take a break. Back with Shawn going to the chinlock and Bulldog slamming out of it, but Shawn works on the back and goes to the abdominal stretch. Bulldog fights out and faceplants him, then sends him into the corner and out with a clothesline. Catapult into the corner is followed by a clothesline for two. Delayed suplex gets two. Finally the turnbuckle comes into play, however, as Shawn gets a desperation whip into the dreaded cold steel to slow Bulldog's comeback. Another whip, but this time he eats the turnbuckle, and Bulldog goes to finish with a superplex...but his back gives out and Shawn pins him to win the title at 10:15. Clean as a sheet, as they say. Really liked this one, as the psychology was consistent, with Shawn working the back and then winning the title when Bulldog's back gave way. ***1/4 That's all I ask.

- And from there, we jump ahead 14 years to the modern era, with another show I've never bothered to watch before.

Street Fight: Shawn Michaels v. Shane McMahon

Shawn attacks during the Shane Dance and they brawl in the aisle, with Shawn hitting him with a chair and then setting up a table. Shane reverses him into the post and retrieves a ladder before sending Shawn into the post again. Vince puts Shawn on the table, but he fights up and they slug it out on the ladder. That results in Shane getting superplexed through the table, although Shawn gets most of that one as well. And we take a break. Back with Shawn slugging away in the ring, and he slams Shane and goes up the ladder, only to have Vince break it up with a kendo stick. Shane pounds him with the ladder for two, then runs the ladder into his face for two. Shane goes to a surfboard, which lasts a lot longer than you'd like for a street fight, and a hurricane DDT gets two. Chairshot sets up the Shane Terminator, but Vince gets too close and takes it instead. Shawn comes back with the flying elbow and superkick, but Vince pulls the ref out now as they stretch this out with every shortcut possible. Shawn goes after Vince, which allows Shane to go low and hook Shawn in the Sharpshooter, and of course Vince is there to ring the bell at 13:50. Seriously? They went with THAT finish? Shane just kind of does the same match over and over. ***

Shawn Michaels & HHH v. The Spirit Squad

This was pretty much the final burial of the Squad. This is elimination rules and when you're gone, you get locked in a cage at ringside. Shawn cleans house with the plastic megaphone and superkicks Mitch out of the match at 1:14. We take a break and return with HHH pinning Johnny after a spinebuster at 1:41. Kenny tries to take a walk and Shawn follows, but that allows Vince to come out and hit Shawn with a chair. Back in the ring, Nicky gets an elbow in the corner for two and follows with a sleeper. Kenny misses a flying legdrop and it's back to HHH, as he fights off the clowns with ease and tosses Nicky. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE kills Nicky dead at 5:01. Mikey follows at 5:38. Shawn finishes the squash with the superkick on Kenny into the Pedigree at 6:18. Why would someone supposedly as powerful and smart as Vince use these morons to do his dirty work? 1/2*

RAW World title: Edge v. John Cena

Brawl on the floor to start and Cena charges, but hits the floor as we take a break. Back with Edge clotheslining him, which sets up a sloppy superplex. Edge boots him down for two, but they slug it out, which allows Cena to get the backdrop suplex. Five knuckle shuffle and FU follow, but Lita pulls out the ref. Cena dodges a spear and hooks the STFU, but Lita decks the ref again and it's a DQ at 5:00. Just a quickie TV match. ** for Lita's boobs.

Special Features

- Mean Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes go on safari and meet a variety of animal-themed wrestlers.

- Shawn Michaels talks about winning the I-C title. He's got nothing to say, really.

- Matt Hardy boxes Evander Holyfield in a silly deal from 2007.

The Pulse:

Well I'd pretty much call this the perfect DVD set, and the scary thing is that they can easily do a volume 2 with stuff like Brainbusters v. Demolition, Hogan v. Bad News, Warrior v. Dibiase, etc. The modern stuff falls really flat and is the only real down portion of the set, but then no one watched the shows when they aired so this is a good chance to watch those matches, I guess.

Highest recommendation!

- Another short show this week. Luckily the Braves sucked ass in the 80s, so things will pick up again once we get to the post-season.

- Your hosts are Tony & David.

- Jim Cornette and the Midnights join us right away, announcing Warrior Aid, a telethon to help find the Road Warriors because they're in hiding. And holy crap, Dennis Condrey cuts ANOTHER promo. Two weeks in a row! There is of course a reason why Cornette does all the talking.

Jimmy Garvin v. Vern Deaton

The crowd immediately starts chanting "Vernon", so you know this should be a good show. Garvin works the arm to start and sends Deaton into the corner before chopping him down. He chokes Deaton down and allows Precious to lay the badmouth on him, and the brainbuster finishes at 1:55.

- Nikita joins us, ready for the unification match, and we get a clip of a brawl between Wahoo and Nikita from what I'm guessing was the missing 9/13 show. That must have been one hell of an episode. Tomorrow night, he'll be the only guy representing the USA and Uncle Ivan wins the US tag titles. You might want to invest any betting money on his side.

- Paul Jones and the Baron want the World title now. Yeah, good luck there, guys. I don't see Flair v. Baron headlining Starrcade '86 somehow.

Shaska Whatley & The Barbarian v. The Mulkeys

I'm pretty sure this match is playing in Hell for someone right now. Shaska is now bald, which I'm guessing was a result of Jimmy Valiant. Randy gets clobbered by Barbarian and press-slammed into his brother. Bill tries a backdrop suplex on Shaska, but eats an atomic drop instead, and Shaska adds a dropkick. Over to Barbarian with a rare leg lariat and Shaska chokes away on the ropes, and the flying headbutt finishes at 3:50.

Manny Fernandez & Hector Guerrero v. The Golden Terror & Tony Zane

Hector powers Zane down, but gets slammed. He recovers and dropkicks both jobbers, and it's over to Manny for an armbar on Zane. The crowd wants him to break it, apparently. Gotta love the redneck frat boys in the front row. Hector works on Zane's arm, but it's over to Mr. Terror. Bull quickly elbows him down for two and works on a hammerlock. Hector with a delayed suplex and Bull hits a flying elbow from the top for the pin. Golden Terror is neither golden nor a terror. Talk amongst yourselves.

- Uh oh, Paul Jones calls Manny Fernandez over for a chat and reiterates that there's a lot of money on the table, but Manny is friends with the Boogie Man with a capital F. Paul's patience is running out.

Nikita Koloff v. Bill Tabb

Nikita tosses Tabb and runs him into the corner, then stomps away on the mat. Tabb comes back with shoulders in the corner, which has the fans in the front going APESHIT, but that just annoys Koloff and he pounds Tabb down and finishes with a standing Sickle at 1:48. USA, RIGHT HERE, quoth Nikita. You tell 'em.

- Dick Murdoch is gonna win the US tag belts and then go after Flair.

Jimmy Valiant v. Brodie Chase

Hiptoss and a thumb to the throat to start, and he chokes Chase out with his knee while leading chants in the front row. This audience is something else. Elbow and elbow end it at 1:29. Afterwards, Valiant brings out Fernandez and once again reaffirms their friendship. Yup.

The Midnight Express v. Paul Garner & Art Pritts

Jim Cornette's Elmer Fudd impression KILLS here. The Express double-teams Garner with an elbow and Eaton goes up with a flying forearm and then up again with a big elbow. The crowd's "Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" buildup to each move is great. Cornette, on commentary, is convinced that the Road Warriors are gone and never coming back, even though Tony advises restraint in talking shit against them. Condrey comes in and elbows Garner down then puts him down with a kneelift. Then a spot that just slays me, as Cornette and Eaton set up outside the ring and yell out "Throw him out here, we'll CATCH him!" and of course Condrey throws the guy over the top and they just casually move away and laugh at the announce table. Oh my. Back in the ring, Condrey chokes away on the ropes and Cornette is so confident about the Warrior situation that he moves onto fat jokes about Pritts (he goes into a restaurant and orders by page number, allegedly) while Condrey hits a backdrop suplex and Eaton drops an elbow. Eaton goes up with a flying kneedrop (Whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa-yeah!) and they finish with a Rocket Launcher at 6:17. Total babyface reaction from the frat boys here. I would seriously watch a three-disc DVD that is nothing but Express squashes and Cornette interviews. Of course this is all leading to the scaffold match at Starrcade.

- Cornette informs us that Hawk is a coward and he's gonna smack Ellering around because he's a pretty tough guy in his own right. Of course it takes him 3 minutes to say that and he barely takes a breath between points. And we're out for another week.