- Your hosts are Tony & David. This is likely taped before the Omni show with the US tag title tournament they've been hyping for weeks, so no mention of the results or even the show here.

- And we're at breakneck speed again this week, so the Andersons are right there for a promo against Magnum TA, Dusty, and the Rock N Roll Express.

Magnum TA v. Vern Deaton.

Bing bang boom, belly to belly, you know the drill. And check it out, EARL HEBNER makes his reffing debut for this show.

- Paul Jones and the Baron talk about the total lack of dissention in the Army. This of course proves ironic when Baron gets kicked out. Apparently Manny has taken the money and joined with Rick Rude as part of the Army. What, no turn on Jimmy Valiant to pay it off?

- Jimmy Valiant isn't here to talk about the Ragin' Bull stabbing him in the back (along with everyone else that year), and really who the hell CAN tell what he's here to talk about?

Manny Fernandez v. Mike Simiani

Bull works on the leg to start and finishes with the flying burrito at 0:58. The announcers still treat him like a babyface, so maybe I'm misinterpreting events from the previous interviews, but the turn happens around this point either way.

- Bill and Budro date themselves by putting over Crocodile Dundee (the hottest movie in America, daddy!).

Tim Horner v. Randy Mulkey

Horner overpowers Mulkey and works a headlock. He does some mat wrestling and bridges for the pin at 1:44. Horner was one of those guys with a good look and good matches, but just couldn't find the right gimmick to get himself over.

- Robert Gibson joins us for a solo interview.

The Andersons & Tully Blanchard v. Rocky Kernodle, Bill Tabb & Charles Freeman

Ole cranks on Tabb's arm and Arn drops a knee. Over to Freeman and Tully immediately jumps him and throws knees, then puts him on the floor. Back in, Arn drops a knee and Tully chokes him out on the ropes. Ole goes to the armbar and Arn finishes with the gourdbuster at 3:49. Man, Kernodle didn't even get to tag in for his token offense.

- Dusty Rhodes joins us to explain the rigors of defending the World TV title.

Baron Von Raschke & Shaska Whatley v. Lee Peak & Bill Mulkey

Shaska backdrops Mulkey out of the corner as they clarify the Manny situation: Jones is still TRYING to buy him off. I wonder if the turn happened at the Omni show and that's why they're being so vague? Over to Peak and the Baron sends him into the corner and puts him down with a knee to the gut. Shaska finishes with the superplex at 2:53.

The Midnight Express v. Keith Patterson & Randy Barber

I'm guessing Cornette's pre-match rant is gonna be longer than the match. Dennis powerslams Patterson and Bobby comes in with a back elbow and the flying knee while Cornette takes potshots at the jobbers. Over to Barber, who I hear is so ugly that when he opens the door at Halloween kids give him candy, and Dennis chops him down and finishes him with the Rocket Launcher at 1:48.

- And we've gotta squeeze Ric Flair in here, of course. His logic is that if the Crocketts are worth millions, he's gotta be worth almost as much himself. You've gotta be a dude to hang with him in the ring.

- Magnum TA is increasingly annoyed by Jimmy Garvin and the way Precious keeps yakking at him about what's gonna happen.

Ron Garvin v. Gary Royal

Hands of stone and we're done.

- Jimmy Garvin thinks Magnum should be taken to jail for touching Precious, and perhaps Magnum's grandpa used to beat his grandma and that's where his social problems stem from.

And just like that, we're done. 30 minutes? Oh well, always a good time regardless.

- Ugh, why do I punish myself with this stuff? Unfortunately the original rant is pretty crappy, so let's journey back to the era of Russo & Bischoff. On the bright side, I don't remember any of this shit in the slightest, so much like reruns on NBC, it's new to me! Now where's the alcohol…

- Live from Daytona Beach, FL. And presented by a full nelson!

- Your hosts are Tony, Scott Hudson and Mark Madden.

- Right off the bat I'm fucking annoyed because Tony says "sports entertainment" a million times, which sounds ridiculous on a show that's supposed to be the "alternative" to WWE at the time.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco/Chavo Guerrero v. Juventud Guerrera

Before the show, Ernest Miller banned both factions from ringside upon threat of death, so of course the entire crew of both groups is out there to start. And who's the dude who looks kind of like Rey Mysterio, but without the mask or steroids? They trade chops to start and Chavo gets a pair of atomic drops to put Juvy over the top. Now, I'm assuming the Filthy Animals were supposed to be heels at this point, but the pre-match promos were total babyface stuff and they're certainly way hipper than the jobbers who comprise the Misfits in Action are. Do kids aspire to be like Lash LeRoux? Juvy stalls forever and heads back in, but Chavo blocks a suplex and puts him on the floor with his own, then follows with a pescado. Back in the ring as Juvy oversells everything like a total clown. Clearly he's completely in his element under the Russo regime. Chavo gets a backbreaker for two and goes to an armbar, but Juvy chops out, so Chavo takes him down with a headscissors and a powerslam for two. Juvy comes back with chops, but misses a blind charge and they collide for the double KO. At 5:00 in. Chavo slugs away and puts Juvy on the floor, then follows with a dive from the top. The Filthy Animals (wearing masks in a funny bit) sneak back out to interfere, but the ref tosses them again. Meanwhile, the Juice hits Chavo with a buttdrop from the apron to the floor to take over. Back in, Juvy with a springboard splash for two. They fight to the top and Juvy comes out with a powerbomb for two. An ugly pancake sets up the Juicy Elbow for two, but now MIA does the same mask gimmick and Juvy gets distracted. Chavo tries the tornado DDT, but Juvy counters, and Chavo finally gets an inverted DDT for two. Powerbomb is countered by the Juice, and the Drunk Driver gets two. Chavo comes back with the tornado DDT to retain at 12:09. A fine opener, but all the stupid run-ins weren't needed and nearly ruined it. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett complains to Commissioner Cat that Hogan isn't here yet. He literally has a singing fat lady ready. Oh, Russo.

Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus

This is actually a pretty dignified period for Vito compared to what the WWE had in store for him. Vito gets rid of Ralphus right away and goes after Smiley by the stage, and they head into the back for the "brawl". Ralphus recovers and helps Smiley double-team Vito, which gives us the Wiggle. Norman directs Ralphus in his garbage can lid attack as this gets somehow more embarrassing than I pictured, but Vito is shockingly able to fend off the wrath of Ralphus and comes back. Norman tries to call for the elevator and Vito beats up the caterer, as they fight into the elevator and Norman gets left there. I would like to remind everyone that Vince Russo was paid $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR to think this bullshit up. Vito drags Ralphus down to the ring and beats on him, and they can't even set up a table properly without it breaking. Vito splashes him through the table and gets the pin to retain at 5:55. $2.5 million dollars! For THIS! -**

Kevin Nash is ANGRY. At Goldberg. But first, before that intensely personal grudge match, a wedding gown match between two managers!

Wedding Gown match: Miss Hancock v. Daffney

The incredibly pretentious video package for this idiocy makes it so much easier to hate. Like, imagine Tony Schiavone quotes superimposed on footage from the feud. Hancock gets a handspring elbow, but Daffney takes her down by the hair. They fight on the ropes until the ref and David Flair pull them apart and this just gets stupider by the second. And then the men lose their pants. Hancock gets sent into David's crotch, and now suddenly they're trying to shave Daffney's head for no adequately explored reason. Oh, and then Crowbar runs in and beats up Flair (also in his underwear, of course) before the match grinds to a further halt so Hancock can strip to end the match at 4:18. The announcers question the legality of Hancock removing her own dress, but it ends the match, so I'm fine with it. Astonishingly, Stacy became a pretty decent worker for her position In the company once she went to WWE. This was like, I dunno, a three-ring circus taking place on the back of a train car, and the train derails and crashes into a giant 20 car pileup on the interstate. -****

WCW World tag title: Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik

Adams tosses Palumbo and then presses Stasiak onto him, prompting the champs to take a walk and stall. Back in, Stasiak pounds away in the corner on Clarke, but comes off the top and lands in a uranage. Kronik double-teams Stasiak with an elbow and Adams gets a big boot, so Palumbo comes in. And Adams immediately gets a full nelson slam ("Oh no, not the fatty bo-batty!" sez Madden), but the champs double-team on the floor to take over. This is of course horrifying because Adams' hair threatens to come in contact with the remnants of the wedding cake from the last match, and that would just kill the only appeal as a worker he had left by 2000. Luckily, it escapes unscathed, ready to flow and flip like a third man on the team yet again. Back in, Palumbo pounds away and Adams is in trouble, but the hair is well-conditioned and full of life! Chuck with the sleeper and Stasiak comes in with a back elbow for two. Stasiak pounds away on the ropes and Adams actually stops to do a hair flip while selling. He must have learned from Kevin Nash. Stasiak with the sleeper, like a metaphor for this fucking boring match, and they collide for the double KO. Hot tag Clarke, and while he's fresh, his hair is much greasier than usual, and I feel that could put them at a distinct disadvantage. Meltdown is reversed by Palumbo into a shitty DDT, and now Stasiak comes in and dropkicks everyone. I have seriously seen backyard wrestling tapes that were more professionally contested than this shit. At least no one was slipping and falling on their ass (like Clarke does during a charge to the corner) and charging people $30 to watch it on PPV. The champs double-team Clarke while Adams is busy combing his hair, but luckily he makes the save and tosses Palumbo. F5 for Stasiak and they hit their double chokeslam for two, but it turns into a big sloppy brawl again. Palumbo also takes the pot-themed finisher, but Stasiak breaks it up. So they hit him with a Doomsday Device and win the tag titles at 13:38. Kronik was their own special kind of awful, but at least they were over. And had the hair of a World champion. *1/2

Meanwhile, the Jung Dragons attack the Cat in a bit stolen from the Pink Panther movies.

Kanyon v. Booker T

Booker puts him on the floor with a spinkick right away, tragically knocking the blond wig off. Back in, Kanyon slugs away, but Booker hits him with a dropkick and clotheslines him. Back to the floor goes Kanyon and they have a quick brawl out there, then back in for a Booker clothesline for two. Back to the floor and Kanyon sends him into the railing, then puts the stairs on Booker's arm and whacks it with a chair. Back in, Kanyon puts him against the railing and dropkicks him into it, then brings him back in with a superplex. That gets two. Kanyon puts a chair in the corner, but Booker fights back with a powerslam for two. Kanyon catches him coming out of the corner with a powerbomb for two. Inverted Boston crab follows, but Bookre powers out and gets a rollup for two. Kanyon reverses that for two. Booker fires back with a forearm and a spinebuster for two, but Kanyon's in the ropes. Booker goes after him with the chair, but Kanyon hits him with the BOOK OF DOOM for two. Well the brick fell out, see. Booker spins up and sidekicks Kanyon down, which sets up the ax kick and Bookend for two. He goes up, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and guitars him, and the Kanyon Kutter finishes at 10:00. More of a Nitro match than anything. ***

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome hits on the singing fat lady, but has no luck.

US title: Scott Steiner v. Mike Awesome

They immediately brawl into the crowd and Awesome gives him a backbreaker on the floor as Tony talks about "superstars in sports entertainment". KILL ME NOW. Steiner uses a chair to gain the advantage and they head back in, where Steiner drops the elbow for two. Awesome comes back with a boot out of the corner, but Steiner hits him with a belly to belly for two. Backbreaker sets up a suplex, but Awesome reverses and drops him on the top rope instead. Steiner hits the floor and Awesome drops an elbow from the apron, then beats on him with a chair. Clearly the crowd wants to cheer for Steiner here but WCW insisted on booking him as a heel for whatever reason. Awesome slingshots himself in for two. Flying Awesome clothesline gets two. The Cat comes out to watch as Steiner comes back with the overhead suplex, but Cat stops him from doing the Steiner Recliner for some reason. Steiner knocks him off the apron, allowing Awesome to get a powerbomb for two. Awesome flying splash gets two. Steiner fights off a powerbomb attempt and the ref is bumped, but Cat's interference backfires and he superkicks Awesome by mistake. Steiner gets two off that. Belly to belly and the Steiner Recliner finish at 9:07, but Cat strips him of the title for using the banned finisher. Stupid finish, OK match. Booking was really weird, as Steiner wrestled as a babyface and the Cat acted like a total heel and they did heel spots, but they're supposed to be the exact opposite. **1/2

Graveyard match: The Demon (Dale Torborg) v. Vampiro

Yes, they're in a GRAVEYARD. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Vampiro tries to jump out of a tree, but it misses. I can't imagine how that plan would have failed. They slug it out but you can't actually see anything. Not a complaint, just an observation. Demon manages to shove him into an open grave, but Vampiro pulls him in and then goes after Asya. Demon gives chase after EMOTING~! And then they go swimming. Tony's worry is that there might be alligators in the water. If only. Vampiro drowns the Demon and then goes after Asya again, but luckily Charles Robinson fishes him out. Isn't he supposed to be an immortal spawn of Hell? Can they really drown in two feet of water like that? And then, um, Vampiro pops out of a coffin and breaks a plaster tombstone over Demon's head. So naturally Demon goes into the coffin and gets thrown into the open grave, because really what other finish could you have? That's it, it's over. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

Buff Bagwell v. Shane Douglas

Slugfest to start and Buff dropkicks him out, then pounds on the ribs outside. Douglas goes low and drops him on the railing, but Buff backdrops Douglas onto the floor. Back in, Buff with a neckbreaker, but Shane rolls out and stalls again. They slug it out on the floor and Douglas takes Buff into the post crotch-first, then punches a chair back into Bagwell's face. Douglas is so lame that he goes to a chinlock on the floor, then stops by the announce table to say "Now it's time to go home." Gosh, I guess he's shooting then. Back into the ring and Douglas hits a necksnap before going to a neck vice. Torrie Wilson comes out and distracts Douglas, allowing Bagwell to roll him up for two. Buff with a pump splash for two as Torrie stands on the apron and cheers. What idiot can't see this coming down main street? And sure enough, Torrie turns on him and the Pittsburgh Plunge gets two. Buff comes back with a DDT for two. Buff goes up to finish, but Torrie grabs the leg and the Franchiser jawbreaker finishes at 7:50. **

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan

OK, so there's this match. Russo had this idea where Jarrett would "shoot" and lay down for Hogan because Hogan had creative control (the character, you see) and Russo wanted to get the title off him. In storyline, you see. So Hogan "wins" the title by pinning Jarrett with his foot, but Russo would cut this nasty promo later on and take the title from Hogan, setting up a rematch down the road to re-unify the titles. But then it got really silly, as Hogan (the real person, such as he is) turned around and sued WCW for slander and didn't actually ever come back again. And then it gets worse, as we get the announcers talking about it afterwards, as they're all "Oh wow, this is SO REAL. They didn't go over this at the production meeting!" Remember, with Russo, everything you see is fake, except for what you're watching right now, which is REAL.

And now, back to stuff that definitely IS part of the script, as Vampiro returns to the ring to officially win his match (in case you were worried about it), but a group of Sting clones brings the coffin out, presumably still with the dead body of Dale Torborg in it. However, it actually turns out to be Sting, which is a huge swerve given that the coffin was carried out by 8 guys dressed like Sting. I mean, who would've suspected, right? TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

So as promised, Russo heads out and tells the world his views on Hulk Hogan. Hudson clarifies that it's not Vince Russo The Character, but rather Vince Russo The Boss. Of course, Vince Russo The Boss is a character played on TV by Vince Russo The Person. Anyway, Vince tells the inspiring story of how he came back to WCW to help out the guys who give a shit about the company and Hogan isn't one of those people. Hogan, you see, wants his title back, and Russo doesn't want Jarrett to get beat, but this is actually all storyline because the whole thing was planned. So Russo basically strips Hogan of the title and declares that tonight, Jeff Jarrett faces Booker T in the main event for the title. Nobody in that audience had any clue what the hell Russo was talking about, because everyone who wasn't on the internet (which is still 95% of the audience even today) just thought Hogan was the big star and hero. And really, who was Russo to be out there talking shit after three years in the sport? Tony actually says "shoot" and Hudson SHOWS THE FORMAT SHEET and notes that it's not there anywhere. This show makes me want to blow my brains out to stop the stupidity. Russo was right about one thing: Hogan never did show his face in WCW again, but then went back to WWE and made another zillion dollars because he could still make people think he was the hero. Hogan at least had real accomplishments in the sport, which is more than you can say for Russo.

The Battle for Scott Hall: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash

This was right after Goldberg's disastrous heel turn that basically destroyed his WCW career for good. Nash chokes away in the corner, but Goldberg pushes him down and follows with a suplex for two. They slug it out and Goldberg hits the Bretkiller kick, but Nash chokeslams him for two. And now Scott Steiner joins us, acting like a babyface despite being a heel earlier, which is a sure sign that he's turning on Nash because it's a BIG SWERVE. Goldberg charges and runs into a boot and Nash gets the sideslam for two. Goldberg recovers and tries the spear, but hits the turnbuckle as they're rushing through this like crazy to fit the show into PPV time. Nash sets up to finish, but SWERVEY SWERVE SWERVE and Scott Steiner turns on him. Spear, jackhammer, and Scott Hall's career is DONE at 5:24. How can I live without the Outsiders? *

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T

Booker takes him down with a headscissors and they do a wrestling sequence, as Booker grabs a headlock. Jarrett slugs out and pounds Booker in the corner, but Booker comes back with a sidekick and they brawl to the floor. Booker whips him into the wall and they head back to ringside, where Jarrett hits him with a chair and they head over to the announce table. Jarrett piledrives him on the table (which doesn't break, prompting a quick joke from Tony about how they finally got the construction right on them) and back in we go. Jarrett with the sleeper, but Booker reverses a figure-four attempt into a small package for two. Another figure-four succeeds, but Booker makes the ropes. Jarrett works the leg, but Booker makes the comeback with the ax kick. Spinarooni and spinebuster get two. Booker tries a sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope, allowing Jarrett to pound him in the corner. Ref is bumped and Jarrett grabs the belt, but Booker gets it and nails Jarrett for two. Jarrett wedges a chair into the corner, but Booker sends him into it for two. Jarrett gets frustrated and takes out the ref, then grabs his guitar and goes up, but the Bookend finishes at 13:41, giving Booker his first World title. They tried to make it "main eventy" but I don't think either guy was really "ready" at that point and the timing was kind of off. Sometimes you've just gotta pull the trigger and see what happens, though. ***

The Pulse:

Although New Blood Rising was more purely self-indulgent on Russo's part, this had the all-time champion Russo "aren't I so important to the world of wrestling" moment in the form of his rant against Hogan, so it's a tossup as to which is more obnoxious in the grand scheme of things. I don't side with Hogan in many things, but this was one case where they went about things completely the wrong way. It's a hot crowd and should have been an easy, thumbs up fun show, but never let it be said that this company couldn't figure out how to screw up pretty much anything. Strong recommendation to avoid.

- Another short show this week. Luckily the Braves sucked ass in the 80s, so things will pick up again once we get to the post-season.

- Your hosts are Tony & David.

- Jim Cornette and the Midnights join us right away, announcing Warrior Aid, a telethon to help find the Road Warriors because they're in hiding. And holy crap, Dennis Condrey cuts ANOTHER promo. Two weeks in a row! There is of course a reason why Cornette does all the talking.

Jimmy Garvin v. Vern Deaton

The crowd immediately starts chanting "Vernon", so you know this should be a good show. Garvin works the arm to start and sends Deaton into the corner before chopping him down. He chokes Deaton down and allows Precious to lay the badmouth on him, and the brainbuster finishes at 1:55.

- Nikita joins us, ready for the unification match, and we get a clip of a brawl between Wahoo and Nikita from what I'm guessing was the missing 9/13 show. That must have been one hell of an episode. Tomorrow night, he'll be the only guy representing the USA and Uncle Ivan wins the US tag titles. You might want to invest any betting money on his side.

- Paul Jones and the Baron want the World title now. Yeah, good luck there, guys. I don't see Flair v. Baron headlining Starrcade '86 somehow.

Shaska Whatley & The Barbarian v. The Mulkeys

I'm pretty sure this match is playing in Hell for someone right now. Shaska is now bald, which I'm guessing was a result of Jimmy Valiant. Randy gets clobbered by Barbarian and press-slammed into his brother. Bill tries a backdrop suplex on Shaska, but eats an atomic drop instead, and Shaska adds a dropkick. Over to Barbarian with a rare leg lariat and Shaska chokes away on the ropes, and the flying headbutt finishes at 3:50.

Manny Fernandez & Hector Guerrero v. The Golden Terror & Tony Zane

Hector powers Zane down, but gets slammed. He recovers and dropkicks both jobbers, and it's over to Manny for an armbar on Zane. The crowd wants him to break it, apparently. Gotta love the redneck frat boys in the front row. Hector works on Zane's arm, but it's over to Mr. Terror. Bull quickly elbows him down for two and works on a hammerlock. Hector with a delayed suplex and Bull hits a flying elbow from the top for the pin. Golden Terror is neither golden nor a terror. Talk amongst yourselves.

- Uh oh, Paul Jones calls Manny Fernandez over for a chat and reiterates that there's a lot of money on the table, but Manny is friends with the Boogie Man with a capital F. Paul's patience is running out.

Nikita Koloff v. Bill Tabb

Nikita tosses Tabb and runs him into the corner, then stomps away on the mat. Tabb comes back with shoulders in the corner, which has the fans in the front going APESHIT, but that just annoys Koloff and he pounds Tabb down and finishes with a standing Sickle at 1:48. USA, RIGHT HERE, quoth Nikita. You tell 'em.

- Dick Murdoch is gonna win the US tag belts and then go after Flair.

Jimmy Valiant v. Brodie Chase

Hiptoss and a thumb to the throat to start, and he chokes Chase out with his knee while leading chants in the front row. This audience is something else. Elbow and elbow end it at 1:29. Afterwards, Valiant brings out Fernandez and once again reaffirms their friendship. Yup.

The Midnight Express v. Paul Garner & Art Pritts

Jim Cornette's Elmer Fudd impression KILLS here. The Express double-teams Garner with an elbow and Eaton goes up with a flying forearm and then up again with a big elbow. The crowd's "Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" buildup to each move is great. Cornette, on commentary, is convinced that the Road Warriors are gone and never coming back, even though Tony advises restraint in talking shit against them. Condrey comes in and elbows Garner down then puts him down with a kneelift. Then a spot that just slays me, as Cornette and Eaton set up outside the ring and yell out "Throw him out here, we'll CATCH him!" and of course Condrey throws the guy over the top and they just casually move away and laugh at the announce table. Oh my. Back in the ring, Condrey chokes away on the ropes and Cornette is so confident about the Warrior situation that he moves onto fat jokes about Pritts (he goes into a restaurant and orders by page number, allegedly) while Condrey hits a backdrop suplex and Eaton drops an elbow. Eaton goes up with a flying kneedrop (Whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa-yeah!) and they finish with a Rocket Launcher at 6:17. Total babyface reaction from the frat boys here. I would seriously watch a three-disc DVD that is nothing but Express squashes and Cornette interviews. Of course this is all leading to the scaffold match at Starrcade.

- Cornette informs us that Hawk is a coward and he's gonna smack Ellering around because he's a pretty tough guy in his own right. Of course it takes him 3 minutes to say that and he barely takes a breath between points. And we're out for another week.

- Your hosts are Tony & David.

- We have apparently skipped a week, as the show kicks off with footage of Paul Ellering slapping Jim Cornette on the September 13 show, and we didn't get that one.

- The Bill & Budro Show kick things off by promising to win the US tag titles and challenge Ric Flair for the millionth time.

Baron Von Raschke v. Tom Barrett

Hopefully this means no other Paul Jones Army this week. Baron works on an armbar to start and rips at the face, then takes him down and works the leg. Tony notes that Ravishing Rick Rude has joined the Paul Jones Army, which means that the Manny Fernandez heel turn should be any week now since they're the next tag team champions. Clawhold finishes at 2:08.

- Jim Cornette says his mistake was letting Big Bubba have the week off to visit Mama Cornette last week, but the Midnight Express destroyed the Road Warriors and injured Animal anyway. And I MISSED IT? Fuck!

- Ric Flair and Baby Doll (and his Rolex) are out to complain about Dusty Rhodes winning the TV title from Arn Anderson. He's coming to all the nothing-happening towns in the Midwest, where the women are clearly starved for a real man like himself, and Dusty should be there.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Mike Simiani & Gene Ligon

Hey hey, the new NWA World tag titles debut here! I actually thought Rude & Fernandez had the old-style ones so I wasn't expecting that. The announcers don't even mention it, so they probably debuted LAST week and I missed that too. The RNR double-team Ligon into a dropkick from Ricky, and he controls with an armbar. Over to Simiani and Ricky chinlocks him off a snapmare. Robert elbows him down and Ricky drops a knee for two, and the double dropkick finishes at 2:55.

- America's Team is ready for the tag title tournament!

- Tully Blanchard isn't shaking in his $700 shoes at the thought of Dusty Rhodes and his TV title.

Arn Anderson v. Jack Jackson

Jack Jackson? Arn promises that whatever happens to this jobber is on Dusty's head. Well, he is the booker. Arn drops a knee and works on the arm, really cranking on it. Some smart-ass redneck in the front row yells out "That don't hurt! It wouldn't hurt Dusty!" Arn gets the spinebuster and gourdbuster to finish at 3:46. I bet Dusty doesn't even CARE that the poor kid jobbed for him.

- Thankfully, we get the footage of last week's show, as Cornette reels off every insult against the Road Warriors he can think of, until Paul Ellering comes out and smacks him down. The Road Warriors proceed to squashing a couple of geeks, but the Midnights jump them and Eaton drops a pair of flying knees on Animal's neck. Cornette notes that it's not a loaded racket, but rather his pure strength that put Ellering down. And then back on this week's show, Condrey actually gets to cut a promo! I've never actually heard him give one before.

- The Russians are out to run down the list of potential victims for Nikita Koloff.

The Kansas Jayhawks v. Tony Zane & Pablo Crenshaw

Dutch powers Zane down and stomps him, and the Jayhawks pinball him in the corner before Jaggers elbows him down. Over to Crenshaw and he gets beaten down on cue, and Mantell chokes him out on the ropes. Jaggers with a DDT for two. They switch off with chinlocks and a Doomsday Device finishes at 3:53.

Ron Garvin & Dick Murdoch v. The Mulkey Brothers

Garvin is now the Mid-Atlantic heavyweight champion, having beaten Black Bart between the last episode and this one, and in fact he is the final one as Crockett starts to consolidate the titles into the one promotion. Garvin controls Bill on the mat and Murdoch works on the arm. Garvin ties him up and tortures him a little, and Murdoch elbows him down before finishing with the brainbuster at 2:46.

- Wahoo isn't gonna come out here and complain about the NWA's ruling, so he'll just have to beat Nikita Koloff and unify the titles instead. And that’s it for this week, as it's a really short show.

I think it's only fair that, in the wake of Mickey Rourke's amazing performance in The Wrestler receiving an Oscar nod, we journey back to the last time someone made a serious attempt at a movie about pro wrestling.

Unfortunately, the movie was Ready to Rumble. Starring David Arquette. Years ago someone bought it for me under the assumption that I might want to watch it someday. Well, I figured after nine years of sitting in my collection, I might as well give it a look.

The Film

Corporate synergy is a weird thing. Like in 2000, when dying promotion WCW, through parent company Time Warner, decided that a movie about a couple of retarded wrestling fans who drive a sewage truck and think wrestling is real would be a terrific project to help their image.

Gordie (Arquette) and Sean (Scott Caan) are the morons in question, who worship WCW champion Jimmy King (Oliver Platt in the worst bit of casting since forever) and journey to a Monday Nitro taping in what looks like a bingo hall for an epic King v. DDP title match. Unfortunately, King gets screwed out of his title by an unscrupulous promoter (Joe Pantoliano, really slumming it here) in what I guess was supposed to be a subtle nod to the Montreal screwjob. I should note the match itself is more hilarious than any intentional comedy in the movie, as they start by doing a standard worked match (aside from calling spots louder than Ken Shamrock) and then Page turns it into a SHOOT, brutha. Of course, even when they're shooting, they're still doing incredibly fake spots like a dive through a table or a pulled chairshot. Plus the big "shoot" finish involves four guys jumping off the top rope in unison (A "four post massacre" according to the announcers) before the promoter fires him and bans him from WCW for life.

Now, any human being who has an IQ of more than 50 would see this as a cliché wrestling angle and move on, but the movie asks us to buy that this is not only a real threat to King, but that Sean and Gordie would actually be dumb enough to take a road trip to find their hero and restore him to glory. This movie apparently exists in a parallel universe where WCW is the only option for a wrestler and a former undefeated World champion can't even do indy shots. But then the comedy REALLY ramps up, as the idiots smuggle the disgraced King backstage at Nitro, where they proceed to do a wrestling angle. Page cuts a wrestling promo on the departed King (which is normally code for "this is all an angle") and then King jumps out of a port-a-potty and attacks him and pins him. But you see, according to the bylaws of WCW, the belt can't change hands when you ambush someone, so instead they have to have a cage match to decide things. It's really bizarre writing, as we're supposed to be laughing at the guys who think that wrestling is real, but the "real" aspect is presented just like it's another stupid storyline too. Obviously this is a movie written by people who know nothing about wrestling. The promos cut by King sound like something written by someone who knows nothing about wrestling. Like, would fans really start singing along to "The King of Rock"? King himself is portrayed as a cross between the characters of Jerry Lawler and Steve Austin (with the body of Mick Foley) but with none of the charisma of any of them.

I think more irritating is that, as moviegoers and wrestling fans, we have no one in the movie to root for or sympathize with. Like, we're supposed to care about the cartoon character inbreds who are being sold as the movie's heroes? Or the superstar wrestler who is crying foul because he was asked to do a job? Like seriously, it's PRO WRESTLING. You lose the belt one day and then get your revenge later. The Wrestler understood that and even made a point about it with an incredibly subtle moment via an NES game with a little kid. This movie is so stupid and lowbrow that it actually expects us to feel sorry for the highly paid professional who loses one match out of his entire career. And while I'm on the subject, since they were using a bunch of WCW wrestlers as background players anyway, why didn't they just cast a wrestler to play the lead wrestler? Because getting kicked in the nuts 18 times over the course of a 100 minute movie required more acting skill and depth than Bill Goldberg could provide? Obviously the "winning streak" gimmick is based on Goldberg anyway, why not actually give yourself a shred of credibility and cast him in the lead role? And then, and this is a crazy thought for WCW, I know, they might actually use the rivalry in the movie to build a feud in real life! Hell, Vince McMahon almost drew money off MOTHERFUCKING TONY LISTER and No Holds Barred was an even bigger piece of crap than this one!

The sad thing is that there's an actual idea for an actual movie buried somewhere in this mess. David Arquette is not without charm and he obviously loves wrestling, even if Scott Caan comes across as a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger for most of the movie. And the idea of a crazed super-fan who refuses to accept that a scripted pro wrestling match result is anything but real could have comedic potential. The problem is that the writers don't understand that either, and tried to make the scripted wrestling into something "real", and it just ends up appealing to no one. Wrestling fans can spot the angle coming from a mile away, while non-fans just think it's all fake anyway. Wrestling has seen some of the stupidest, most insane things ever to be related by human beings, and that's just what happens BACKSTAGE. You're telling me you couldn't find enough goofy wrestling stories to make even a decent comedy out of it? Mr. Fuji's road trips alone could fill a three-hour movie.

Sadly, the most horrifying atrocity committed by this movie wasn't even featured on screen, it was the ridiculous cross-promotion with WCW where the best idea they could actually think up was duplicating the lame triple cage featured in the movie, and then having David Arquette win the WCW World title and wrestle on a PPV. In fact, this movie pretty much fails on every level -- it's a comedy that's not funny, a wrestling movie that knows nothing about wrestling, and a heroic comeback story with a hero who isn't the least bit likeable. However, if you need some small justification to rent it, it's got tons of 2000-era WCW wrestlers all over the movie, so it's a pretty neat bit of nostalgia for whatever WCW fans might still be left. And if you enjoy watching men getting hit in the junk repeatedly, you'll probably get your $5 worth out of this one.

If Jimmy King had been shot in the head by a sniper while standing on top of the cage and then fell down and crushed both of the main characters to death, I would have considered that enough of a happy ending to warrant a recommendation. Maybe. Oh, and John Cena has a brief cameo during the gym scene and does Arquette's wrestling scenes for him, so it's got that going on too.

Sadly, it's still better than The Marine.

(Rating: 1/2*)

Bonus Features

Wow, there's a commentary with Arquette and Caan that's just as vapid and painful as the movie! What a treat!

In addition to the trailer and cast list (which includes a giant list of wrestlers as "Himself" and then William Daley as "Billy Silverman" -- What the HELL?) you get a stupid 2 minute skit with Arquette wrestling Caan on the set, quick soundbites from Bam Bam Bigelow and DDP, Bif Naked's crappy version of "We're Not Gonna Take It", and short soundbites from the Nitro Girls. About the quality level you'd expect from this, basically.

(Rating: **)

The Pulse:

Is this as bad as its reputation suggests? Hell yeah. I didn't laugh once over the whole two hours (OK, except for one, when Jimmy King loses the title in the biggest screwjob ever perpetrated in wrestling and Gordie laments "It's not even a pay per view!") and in fact I was actually cheering AGAINST the heroes of the movie because maybe if King had just put some people over the locker room wouldn't have hated him so much.

Avoid like the plague.

- This is an important date for me, because this would be my 12^th birthday, which resulted in my parents renting Wrestlemania 2 for the party and turning me into a lifelong fan. I started watching NWA's Worldwide Wrestling in syndication soon after, with the first show I ever saw being the one where Magnum TA's career-ending car accident was announced, so we're getting pretty close to that point now.

- Your hosts are Tony & David, with unsolicited help from Jim Cornette. They announce that Wahoo has beaten Tully Blanchard to win the National title, and that belt comes to the end of the line via the Nikita Koloff tour of destruction a month after this.

Dick Murdoch v. Mike Rose

Murdoch wrestles him to the mat and armbars him as Jim Cornette decries rednecks in an ironic bit. A couple of elbows and a brainbuster finish at 1:46.

- Wahoo joins us with his new belt, but Jim Crockett interrupts and announces that the National tag team titles, which were stripped from the Andersons, are being renamed into the US tag team titles and relaunched with an upcoming tournament. Huh. I had always thought that the National belts were just dropped and the US belts were created from thin air, I never heard of it being a continuation of the previous title before!

The Kansas Jayhawks v. Randy Barber & Alan Martin

Jaggers elbows Martin down and drops an elbow, and the Jayhawks switch off with suplexes. Over to Barber, who gets elbowed down, so it's back to Martin again. The Jayhawks pound away in the corner as the announcers hype all the great teams to be involved in the US tag title tournament, most of whom did not actually end up getting involved in said tournament. Doomsday Device finishes at 3:52.

- The Jayhawks stop by the table to yell at Cornette and he zings Mantel as a result ("Why don't you shave the fur off this ape you've got here?").

- Dick Murdoch has words for Ric Flair, leading to their match at the Omni at the end of the month.

Wahoo McDaniel v. Tony Zane

Wahoo outwrestles him for a hiptoss and chops him down, but Zane fights back and goes to the eyes, so Wahoo gets really pissed and chops him down for the pin.

- More from Cornette, as he's got the Express with him now, and he suddenly does a 180 and talks up all the good things that Baby Doll has to offer, burying the hatchet with her. Awesome. Oh, and the Midnights only lost the titles because of a fast count from a crooked referee and a handful of tights on Ricky's part.

Sam Houston v. Jack Weathers

Weathers pounds away, but Houston gets a pair of dropkicks and an armbar. David excitedly notes that Sam is "one of the leading contenders for the Central States heavyweight title", as that promotion had recently been acquired by Crockett during his expansion of '86. And hey, guess who won the tournament for the vacant belt after Crockett fired all the guys in the promotion? Say what you will about Vince, but Crockett took some unique and fairly successful territories and completely gutted them in favor of his own guys on more than one occasion. Bulldog finishes at 3:23.

- Bill and Budro are looking for some competition besides George South, daddy!

The Rock N Roll Express v. Phil Brown & Lee Peak

The little kid at ringside dressed exactly like Ricky Morton is a bit unsettling. I bet he got beat up at school a lot, too. Usually for 10-15 minutes, until his less-talented and uglier friend would rush in and save him. The Express trade off on Brown's leg and finish Peak with the double dropkick at 2:24.

- Ric Flair and Baby Doll join us to discredit Buddy Landel's earlier claims of being the real Nature Boy. It seems that after a night with Buddy, women downgrade him from "Space Mountain" to "Ride the Wild Mouse". Ouch.

Buddy Landel & Bill Dundee v. Vern Deaton & Rocky King

Buddy chops on King in the corner, but gets hiptossed and headlocked, leading to a nice spot where King backdrops a charging Dundee while holding the move. Over to Dundee, who has little luck either, but Vern Deaton comes in and Cornette is all "Well that's gonna slow things WAY down". I love this guy. And indeed Bill and Budro casually pound on Deaton and Buddy elbows him down and goes to a chinlock. Dundee stomps him down and drops an elbow off a double-team, and the corkscrew elbow from Buddy follows. Dundee follows with the flying buttdrop to finish at 6:00.

- The Koloffs come out to rage about Ron Garvin, and Tony interrupts Ivan's diatribe to show a tape of Nikita beating Sam Houston like a redheaded stepchild until Garvin makes the save and LAYS OUT Nikita with Hands of Stone. Pity that feud never went anywhere.

Jimmy Garvin v. Rocky Kernodle

Two jobbers named Rocky on the same show? But people might get confused! Better change one of them into Gregory or Garrisson. Watching Garvin in his prime as a heel here makes it all the more strange that they'd shoehorn him into a face turn in '87, and that it actually worked pretty well at that. Precious is damn near coming out of her top here and Cornette immediately points out that the other announcers are leering at it. Kernodle gets a couple of armdrags on Garvin, so Jimmy heads out for an inspirational kiss from Precious. Back in, Kernodle controls the arm, but Garvin reverses to a headlock and we take a break. Back with no apparent break in the action, as Rocky reverses to a pretty nice pinning combo, but Garvin breaks free. They trade armbars and Rocky keeps going back to the headlock, which Garvin reverses with a headscissors so as to prevent damage to the hair. Rocky goes back to the headlock again, so Garvin drops him with a suplex and adds a backdrop. Brainbuster ends it. Usual good showing for Kernodle here.

- Garvin accuses Magnum TA of being a male dancer in San Francisco, setting up a feud that would never get paid off.

- Magnum and Dusty retort, and Dusty points out Ric Flair's "chubby girlfriend" in the front row as a bonus.

Jimmy Valiant v. Art Pritts

Haven't seen him on the show in a little while. Valiant tosses Pritts and slingshots him back in before going to a chinlock. Elbow and elbow finish at 2:00.

- Tully and JJ are still doing just fine, thank you, and they choose to focus on screwing Dusty out of the World title instead of Wahoo winning the National title.

The Andersons v. Italian Stallion & Henry Rutley

Stallion holds a headlock on Arn to start and holds off Ole with dropkicks, but the inevitable fatal error comes when he tags Rutley in. Cornette notes that Rutley should sue his body for non-support. And indeed, the Horsemen go to work on him in the corner as Cornette goes on a crazy rant about who's going to win the tag belts from the Rock N Roll Express first, without taking a breath, and Tony is like "What the heck did you just say?". And then Cornette does the whole routine AGAIN. You don't even need to watch the matches, the commentary can carry the show. Flying knee into the shoulder finishes poor Rutley.

- The Road Warriors come out (and Cornette leaves) and Hawk responds to accusations of losing their heart. They had none to begin with, you see.

Ric Flair v. Mike Jackson

It's the Schick match of the week! Does that mean someone's going to blade? Jackson grabs a headlock and takes Flair down with a flying headscissors, into a bodypress for two. Jackson works on a wristlock, but Flair puts him on the top and then chops him down to break. He slugs Jackson down in the corner and tosses him, but Jackson fights back in the ring and backdrops Flair. Backdrop and Flair begs off, but Jackson slugs him over the top. Flair comes in via the top, but Jackson catches him with a shot coming down. Flair is all "Hey! Hey! Wait! " and then when he has Jackson's attention, he goes "Wooo!" That is just unspeakably cool. Baby Doll adds a shot from the floor and Flair drops the knee, sending Jackson to the floor again. Back in, Flair hooks in a facelock, but Jackson elbows him down and goes to a figure-four. The BALLS on this guy. Flair quickly makes the ropes, so Jackson suplexes him into the ring and slugs away. Flair elbows him down in desperation, but Jackson keeps coming until he misses a bodypress attempt and clotheslines himself on the top as a result. Flair's had enough, and he drops an elbow and NOW, woo, we go to school with the figure-four at 8:32. I don't get the constant protection of skinny, graying jobber Mike Jackson.

Nikita Koloff v. Dave Spencer

Standing sickle finishes this goof and his stupid haircut at 1:10.

- Paul Jones and his army cut a dull promo and then beat three jobbers.

- And we finish with the Four Horsemen interrupting a Dick Murdoch promo, only to turn around and see Dusty, Magnum and Ronnie Garvin in the ring, triggering a huge brawl!

See you next week!

- Your hosts are Tony & David, with assistance from Jim Cornette.

- Sad news to start, as the Rock N Roll Express have regained the World tag titles from the Midnight Express, and America mourns as Nikita Koloff has taken the US title home to Moscow.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Mike Rose & Phil Brown

I wish they'd get to "Boogie Woogie Street" so they can stop editing "Rock N Roll Is King" out. Cornette is of course bitter on commentary. Double dropkick kills the fat guy dead at 0:25.

- RNR gloat about winning the belts back (well, I assume Robert was gloating, because who the hell knows what he's saying).

- Let us take you back to Charlotte for the final match in the Magnum-Nikita series, as Magnum piledrives Ivan on the concrete in a nasty spot and hits the belly to belly on Nikita, but the ref is distracted by Khrusher. Magnum goes after him, Russian chain to the head follows, and we have a new US champion. David's reaction to all of this is classic. I really have to take back all the bad stuff I've said about David Crockett after watching these shows for a couple of years now, because he really sells the emotion of what was going on. Nikita declares that the feud with Magnum is OVER and now he's looking for better competition, like Ron Garvin. Apparently Ivan now gets Magnum.

Clement Fields, Paul Garner & Bill Tabb v. The Andersons & Tully Blanchard

The Horsemen switch off on Garner's arm while Cornette echoes my sentiments and mocks Clement Fields for having such a stupid name. He says what we're thinking! Especially if you're a bit of a rac…eh, I won't go there. The Horsemen pound away on Garner and Arn finishes with the gourdbuster at 2:42.

- The shocks keep coming, as Dusty gets another rematch for the World title…but Baby Doll TURNS on him. Holy shit, I didn't even remember that one. Is it wrong of me to note that Baby Doll in a tux is pretty hot? The Horsemen do the beatdown and Baby Doll leaves with them to huge heat. In a post-match interview, Flair informs us that Baby Doll was tired of Magnum's skinny little arms and wanted a real man. Remember that, kids!

Magnum TA v. Art Pritts

I'm guessing Magnum is pretty pissed. Wham bam thank you ma'am and we're done.

The Road Warriors v. Kent Glover & Lee Peak

More quickies as the Warriors toss the jobbers and Hawk destroys Peak with a shoulderblock, then press slams him onto Animal's knee. Ouch. Over to Glover and Animal powerslams him and Hawk adds a big boot and clothesline to finish at 1:23.

- Dusty Rhodes is pretty upset and something gets bleeped, so you know he means business.

The Midnight Express v. The Mulkeys

I don't envy the Mulkeys here. Dennis beats on both of them by himself and chokes him out in the corner, and Bobby drops the flying knee without even bothering to take his jacket off. The Mulkeys desperately switch off to escape the slaughter but Dennis just won't stop. Sideslam for Bill and Bobby stomps on his head and adds a side suplex, then Dennis drops knees on his head and Bobby goes up with a missile dropkick before they finish the poor guy with the Rocket Launcher at 7:35. This was quite the squash. Randy then has the BALLS to push Cornette down, so Bubba beats him to within an inch of his life by giving him what I believe is the first ever Bossman slam, and a flying splash from the top! And it wasn't the usual lazy slam, either, he jumped off the mat and drove his shoulder down into Mulkey on the way down. RIP, Randy Mulkey.

Wahoo McDaniel v. Randy Barber

Wahoo wrestles him down with a headlock while Cornette declares that Mulkey-mania is DEAD. Wahoo finishes with a chop at 0:45.

- Let us take you back to Philly, as the RNR win the belts back from the MX. The Midnights beat the hell out of Ricky and have him beat fair and square, but Robert stops the count and then Ricky pins the illegal man and probably hooks the tights, too. Bunch of cheaters.

Ron Garvin v. George South

Cornette calls Garvin "the Max Headroom of pro wrestling". Check Wikipedia if you need that translated into English. Garvin beats on South and tosses him, then yanks him back in and slugs him down, setting up an abbreviated Garvin stomp and Hands of Stone for the pin at 1:33. Awesome finish, as South grabs the foot in the spot where you'd normally expect Garvin to do an enzuigiri, but instead he just punches South in the face and pins him.

- Dick Murdoch wants to wrestle Ric Flair's pants off. That's not even taken out of context.

And on that note, we're out of time! Short but tremendously fun show with a ton of big angles.

- This is kind of a goofy Christmas theme on 24/7, as we're celebrating Hanukkah with Goldberg matches. But I haven't done a few of them, so let's line 'em up…

Goldberg v. Booker T

From Nitro, July 2000. Booker was World champion and I think Goldberg was a heel or something. They brawl on the floor right away and Goldberg whips Booker into the railing and heads back in, but Booker catches him with an axe kick on the way in. Goldberg no-sells it and hits a clothesline out of the corner, then follows with the snap powerslam. And then Jeff Jarrett runs in for some reason and hits Goldberg with a chair, which is also no-sold. Spear for JJ, but now Ernest Miller comes in and puts Goldberg down with a spin kick, before Booker hits a sidekick and the Bookend for the pin at 2:24. Goldberg immediately pops up and spears Booker, then Jackhammers him. What a clusterfuck, but then consider who was running the show. 1/2*

US title: Raven v. Goldberg

Hey, a special all-Jewish feature. From Nitro, April 20 1998, the night after Raven won it at Spring Stampede 98. Raven tries tackling him into the corner and dropkicks him out of the corner, then takes it to the floor. That proves to be a mistake, as Goldberg tosses him into the railing a few times. Back in, Goldberg gets his rolling heel hook, but Raven makes the ropes. Goldberg uses the BRET KILLER to put Raven on the floor again, but Raven uses a chair this time and takes over. The DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM gets two. Raven goes to a chinlock on the mat as there's this awesome energy from the crowd, considering that Goldberg hadn't won a title match yet. Raven gets a corner clothesline and Goldberg no-sells and spears him, and the place goes BATSHIT INSANE. The Flock starts running in and Goldberg destroys them all in sequence without breaking a sweat, ending with a Jackhammer on Reis. Raven tries to run away, but "fans" tackle him and toss him back into the ring, and it's spear, Jackhammer, new US champion at 5:00. WOW. What human being with a functioning brain could possibly have fucked up Bill Goldberg and not drawn millions off him? The fan reaction here was just one of the most amazing things ever seen. That finish with the planted fans spontaneously preventing the heel from running was seriously one of the best ideas WCW ever did, with the combination of grassroots babyface star and hated heel working perfectly together. What a great little match. ***

Goldberg v. Ric Flair

From RAW in 2003, although the menu listed this as their 2000 Nitro match. Goldberg comes out of a supply closet here, which kind of shows that WWE didn't really have any clue at times, either. Flair immediately jumps Goldberg with a pair of brass knuckles and gets a fast two from special referee Randy Orton. Flair throws the chops in the corner and gets a backdrop suplex for two, but Goldberg no-sells another chop and hits a press slam. Snap powerslam gets a very slow two from Orton. Goldberg clotheslines Flair for another slow count. The ensuing argument allows Flair to hit him with a chair, but Goldberg chokes both Evolution members down until Flair goes low to break. Flair then blatantly goes to the nuts to set up the figure-four, with Orton helping out in every way possible. Flair finally releases and pounds on the leg, but Goldberg has had enough and destroys both Flair and Orton with spears. Shawn Michaels runs in and adds a superkick for Orton, allowing the Jackhammer on Flair. Shawn uses Orton's hand to count the pin at 7:17. This was fine but forgettable. ** And don't forget to watch SLAMBALL~!

WCW World title: Goldberg v. DDP

From Halloween Havoc 98. I haven't done this one in a while, so here's a redo. This is more famous for running over the allotted PPV time and airing on Nitro the next night than anything as a match. Goldberg powers DDP into the corner a few times to start, as DDP won't go down. Page gets in his face and they both fall to the floor on the lockup, and back in. Page sweeps the leg and Goldberg does a backflip to escape (sweet!) and takes Page down with a cross armbreaker. Page makes the ropes and gets a jawbreaker to slow him down, but a Diamond Cutter attempt is casually blocked by Goldberg, putting DDP on the floor. Back in, Goldberg tries a wristlock, but Page does a nice reversal before walking into another shoulderblock and bumping out again. Finally he necksnaps Goldberg and follows with a neckbreaker to take over. Russian legsweep out of the corner gets two. Page goes to the facelock on the mat to slow him down further, but Goldberg reverses to a neckbreaker and adds a suplex. Sideslam gets two. Goldberg goes to the cross armbreaker again and Page has to make the ropes again, but a superkick into the corner sets up a blind charge, which results in Goldberg hitting the post. Page goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Goldberg tries a spinebuster and DDP reverses to a DDT, but Goldberg does the All Japan sell, popping up for a spear before collapsing again. Goldberg recovers first and tries the Jackhammer, but the arm is wrecked by the post and it's BANG, Diamond Cutter. The crowd is actually responding quite well to this. Page gets two off that. Page tries another one, but Goldberg reverses to the Jackhammer to finish at 10:24. The point here was never to tease ending the streak, but simply to give Goldberg a good match, and that's what it did. Long enough to be a good story, but short enough not to expose Goldberg, this was clearly his best match. ****

- They seem to be sneaking more SMW stuff into the channel, with a clip before this show and a clip of Rock N Roll Express v. Gangstas in the Shorties section, and yet still no weekly TV show. Where's the Smoky Mountain love, WWE 24/7 Classics on Demand?

- Hosted by Tony and David and Jim F'n Cornette.

- So once again Ric Flair is the World champion, having regained the belt in St. Louis, but Magnum and Nikita are tied at 3-3 in the US title series.

The Kansas Jayhawks v. Bill Mulkey & George South

South gets elbowed down by Dutch, and one from Jaggers, followed by an elbowdrop. Mantel comes in with an atomic drop and brings in Mulkey, and Jaggers drops an elbow on him, too. Dutch with a backdrop and double axehandle and Jaggers slams him for two. Mantel with a snap suplex and Jaggers drops yet another elbow, setting up a shoulderbreaker. Hart Attack clothesline finishes at 3:44.

- Jim Cornette interviews the Russians, who cry about injustice in the tying match and announce that Bob Geigel will referee the deciding match tonight in Philadelphia. Although Nikita doesn't win the title until the 17^th in Charlotte, so obviously that match wasn’t as deciding as they would have liked.

- Jimmy Valiant pledges that he'll shave Paul Jones' head by the end of the year or else he'll retire.

The Road Warriors v. Pablo Crenshaw & Tom Pittman.

Usual destruction here, as Hawk dropkicks Pablo and Animal puts him down with a shoulderblock, then follows with a press slam. Hawk clotheslines the other guy and pins him at 1:04. Cornette's still not impressed.

- Dick Murdoch has words for Ric Flair.

- So back to Kansas, as Dusty pins Flair with a clothesline to retain the title, only to be attacked by Tully Blanchard, thus giving him an excuse to drop the title to Flair the next night. Tully and JJ deny that the Horsemen sit around a table plotting the demise of Dusty, they just all happen to hate his guts and want to destroy him at any opportunity given.

- And now we go to St. Louis with some super-rare footage, as Flair smashes a chair into Dusty's bad knee on the floor, but Dusty sucks it up and heads back in. Dusty makes the comeback and elbows Flair down, then pins him with a lariat, but Flair's foot is on the ropes so the ref calls it off. Flair clips him and finishes with the figure-four to regain the title, as Dusty blacks out from the pain and gets pinned.

- Flair, apparently celebrating his title win by dealing blow in Miami if we're judging by his suit this week, gives his standard victory speech, ready to take on all comers again.

- The Road Warriors don't really have much to say, but they're still upset at the Four Horsemen and they're coming to various towns near YOU!

Bill Dundee v. Vern Deaton

Dundee elbows Deaton down and tosses him, allowing Budro to toss him back in and Dunee to apply an armbar. He grabs a headlock and puts him down with a big boot for two, then works a hammerlock on the mat. Stiff clothesline and the top rope double stomp finish at 3:46.

- Bill Apter has a special interview with former champion Dusty Rhodes, who makes sure to note that the NWA doesn't have any "movie stars holding the World title". He'll be back!

- Paul Jones and his army are still pursuing Manny Fernandez with a great deal of money.

Ole Anderson, Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard v. Todd Champion, Sam Houston & Italian Stallion

Ole starts with the Stallion and Arn comes in with a headlock, then switches to the arm. Houston comes in and the face jobbers work on Arn's arm in turn, but Champion gets caught in the heel corner and taken down by Ole. The Andersons beat on Champion and Arn goes to a chinlock, then Tully drops an elbow. Champion fights over and tags Houston, who is a toothpick of fire, but he quickly gets mauled by the heels. Arn rakes the face across the top rope, but Houston comes back with a bodypress out of the corner for two. Tully quickly cuts him off again and tosses him. We take a break and return with the Andersons finishing Champion with a double gourdbuster at 6:13.

Dick Murdoch v. Tony Zane

Brainbuster and we're done at 0:17.

- The Andersons are all over Dusty Rhodes for being such a pussy and not winning with a bad knee. Yeah, tell him! Be a man, Dusty!

- And now, the saddest part of the show for me, as Cornette and Midnight Express cut their very last promo as World tag team champions. I'm saddened we don't get one last squash with the belts, too. So let us take you back to Worldwide, as Cornette calls Baby Doll fat yet again and Bubba goes to beat her up, but Dusty and Magnum make the save and trigger a huge brawl.

The Russians v. Randy Barber, Clement Fields & Paul Garner

Clement Fields sounds like a serial killer or something. Garner gets triple-teamed in the corner while Cornette goes on an epic rant on color, and Nikita kills Fields dead with the sickle at 1:06.

- Back to North Carolina for the Magnum v. Nikita match, as we pick it up with Magnum making the comeback with a dropkick for two. Khruschev lays out Magnum from behind and wipes out the ref, allowing Nikita to hit the sickle and get the pin via a second ref. However, the first ref revives and Magnum pins Nikita with the belly to belly to tie up the series. Interesting reversal on the usual Dusty Finish. Magnum and Baby Doll join us with last words for Nikita before the final match in the series.

- Let us take you back to the final stop on the Rock N Roll Express Super Summer Sizzler Tour, as they mack on young girls.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Bill Tabb & Art Pritts

This should be quick. Morton dropkicks Tabb and brings Pritts in, as Cornette promises that tonight in Philly will be the RNR's final shot at the Midnights' belts. Sadly, that is true. The RNR work on Pritts' leg in their corner and add a double backdrop, then finish with the double dropkick at 1:48.

- And we finish with a group Horsemen interview, as they award Dillon a $40,000 ring that was, in real life, already his. And we're done for the week.

Good bye, World tag team champion Midnight Express. It's been a good ride.

And we wrap this bad boy up with the top five in the fan-voted countdown of best Starrcade matches ever, leading up to the DVD. Before we begin, let's recap the previous 20 choices…

#25: Hulk Hogan v. Rowdy Roddy Piper (1996)

#24: Sting v. The Great Muta (1989)

#23: WCW World tag titles: Ricky Steamboat & Shane Douglas v. Barry Windham & Brian Pillman (1992)

#22: WCW World title: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash (1998)

#21: Battlebowl Battle Royale (1991)

#20: US title: Dustin Rhodes v. Steve Austin (1993)

#19: NWA World tag team titles: Tully Blanchard & Arn Anderson v. The Road Warriors (1987)

#18: Jushin Liger v. Rey Mysterio (1996)

#17: Skywalkers match: The Rock N Roll Express v. The Midnight Express (1986)

#16: NWA World title: Ric Flair v. Lex Luger (1988)

#15: Eddie Guerrero v. Shinjiro Ohtani (1995)

#14: NWA World Tag team title: The Road Warriors v. Dusty Rhodes & Sting (1988)

#13: King of Cable final: Sting v. Big Van Vader (1992)

#12: NWA World Tag title: The Brisco Brothers v. Ricky Steamboat & Jay Youngblood (1983)

#11: NWA World title: Ric Flair v. Dusty Rhodes (1985)

#10: WCW Cruiserweight title: Eddie Guerrero v. Dean Malenko (1997)

#9: The Steiner Brothers v. The Road Warriors (1989)

#8: Ladder match: 3 Count v. Knoble & Karagias v. The Jung Dragons (2000)

#7: Sting v. Ric Flair (1989)

#6: Roddy Piper v. Greg Valentine (1983)

- Hosted by Jim Ross.

#5: Skywalker match: The Road Warriors v. The Midnight Express

From Starrcade '86. This is more about drama and storyline than match quality. Hawk was actually working this match with a broken leg, so wow. No wonder he was on painkillers. Props to everyone for bravery because if I had to climb that rickety-ass scaffolding and walk around I'd be crapping myself. The Warriors beat the Express down to start, but Bobby tosses powder around to gain the advantage, but the Warriors punch and kick them down again and Bobby even manages to blade up there. The Express tries to climb down to the bottom to escape, but the Warriors follow them down and boot them off for the win at 7:13. It's just not a very good match. * The more historic part occurs when the Warriors chase Cornette up the scaffolding and knock him off, as Cornette has calculated that hanging from the bottom and then dropping to the mat would only be a six foot fall, but it ended up blowing out both knees and messing him up for the rest of his life. The whole story he tells in shoot interviews about how he wanted Bubba to carry him to the back and couldn't get the message across is hilarious stuff.

#4: WCW World title: Hulk Hogan v. Sting

From Starrcade '97. Y'all know the deal here, I'm sure. If you want to see the exact moment when Sting reached his peak as a star, it's the moment just before he steps into the ring for the first time in 18 months. It's all downhill from there, sadly, because once he started wrestling again everyone remembered that oh yeah, it's just Sting. They do the power matchup and Hogan pounds him down to start, then slugs away in the corner and follows with the corner clothesline. He gets a slam, but misses a series of elbows and Sting dropkicks him to the floor, which gives Hulk the chance to stall. Back in, Hulk tries a headlock, but Sting fires back with another dropkick to send him out. They've just totally managed to kill the hottest crowd possible in the span of 5 minutes and it's astonishing that people this incompetent somehow managed to make money for so long. Back in and Sting works on a headlock, but Hulk fires back with a clothesline and gets a suplex. Sting no-sells that (ooh, a suplex, what a superhero) and fires back in the corner, but Hogan rakes the eyes to kill the momentum yet again. They brawl on the floor and Hogan clubs him down and sends him into the post, basically making him look like a total chump. Sting charges and splashes the railing as a result, and Hogan brings him back in for an atomic drop. Big boot and legdrop finishes clean at 11:18 (although of course the count was supposed to be "fast"), and Sting looks like the biggest jobber who ever jobbed. And to make it worse, Bret Hart stops the bell from ringing for no reason, tosses Hogan back in, and restarts the match, allowing Sting to get the Stinger splash and fight off the nWo before finishing with the Scorpion deathlock at 12:56. So Sting looks terrible, Bret Hart looks like a whiner, and Hogan would go on to win the title a bunch more times. Just so awful on so many levels, but you certainly can't deny the historic aspect of it. 1/2* Once again, this should have been five minutes long and featured Sting beating the hell out of Hogan like Luger did to him in August.

#3: NWA World title: Harley Race v. Ric Flair.

This is a cage match, and the main event of the first ever Starrcade in 1983. Gene Kiniski is the special referee. Lockup and Flair takes him down with a headlock, which gets him nowhere. Flair starts him with a chop and goes back to the headlock, but Race breaks on the ropes and gives him a knee. Flair returns the favor on the other side and chinlocks him, which turns into another headlock, but Race gets the high knee. He misses the falling headbutt, and Flair chops him down for one. Back to the headlock for Flair, but Race rolls him over a few times, and Flair rolls over into a facelock instead. He holds on and tries a suplex out of it, but Race reverses for his own, and gets two. Elbowdrop misses and Flair goes for a slam, but Race falls on top for two. Race drops a knee (all this use of the knee remind you of anyone?) and some more in the corner for the choke, but Kiniski pulls him off. Race keeps pounding Flair down and drops another knee, setting up a piledriver and an elbowdrop for two. Race sees the bad neck and drops an elbow on it, and a neckbreaker gets two. He drops more knees on the neck, drawing a count from Kiniski. Race lets him up and then tosses him into the cage, which (surprisingly) doesn’t draw blood. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Flair comes back and slugs away at the gut of Race, but a headbutt puts Flair down again and Race drops a headbutt. Back to the cage goes Flair, but he fights back, so Race puts him into the cage again, and now there’s blood. Race goes to work on the cut in the corner, but Kiniski pulls him off and Flair comes back with chops. Race sneaks in with a headbutt, however, and tries to whip Flair into the corner, but it’s reversed and both are out. Race goes into the cage and now he’s bleeding, so Flair goes to work with a kneedrop and starts going to work on the cut. Piledriver gets two. Now Flair goes for the neck, which is almost an anomaly considering his usual MO, and gets a butterfly suplex for two. Back to the cage a couple of times, drawing the ire of Gene Kiniski, but Race goes low with a headbutt to turn the tide again. Flair eats some cage in dramatic fashion, but keeps fighting back. Race keeps slugging him down, but Flair chops him down for two. Elbowdrop and he peppers Race with fists and does some strutting (and bleeding), and a backdrop suplex sets up the figure-four. Race powers him over, however, and they’re in the ropes. Race headbutts him down again, but a suplex attempt is reversed by Flair for two. Race headbutts him down again and goes up with a diving headbutt, which gets two. Vertical suplex gets two. Race keeps working on the cut, which has now turned Flair’s hair red and sends him back into the cage again, but now Kiniski drags Race away by the hair to break it up. Race goes for another suplex, which Flair reverses to a delayed vertical suplex, but he misses an elbowdrop. Race grabs another headlock, but accidentally headbutts Kiniski. They slug it out in the corner and Flair staggers Race, and goes up with a flying bodypress, as they trip over Kiniski and Flair gets the pin and the title at 24:01. This was a slower pace than most fans today would probably be accustomed to, but it all top-shelf stuff, with perfect execution throughout. The only flaw would probably be Kiniski’s refereeing job, but you can’t really hold that against the wrestlers. *****

#2: US title, I Quit Match: Tully Blanchard v. Magnum TA

I know they probably wanted a Flair match on top of the countdown, but I'm sorry, there's no way this isn't the greatest match in the history of Starrcade and a contender for one of the greatest matches of all-time, period. I know people really like my original rant on the match, but I love this one so we'll do it one more time. This match is pure hatred and rage and seeing all the buildup on 24/7 from week to week on World Championship Wrestling just makes it all the greater. The dynamic is like Ric Flair v. Dusty Rhodes, but good. Sadly, this would prove to be the high point of Magnum's seemingly unlimited potential, as the car accident ended his career before he could claim his destiny at Starrcade '86. Magnum immediately wins a slugfest and sends Tully reeling, and they tussle on the mat as a result. Tully gets a cheapshot and fires away with forearms, but Magnum fires back with REDNECK RAGE and Tully runs to the apron, getting nowhere. Magnum pounds him on the ropes, but Tully runs him into the seam of the cage and cuts him open right away. Magnum powers out of a chinlock in a famous iconic image, and then presses Tully onto the top rope, but Tully fires back with a knee to the gut. TA unloads on him again, but Tully leverages him into the cage and grabs the mic for the first time, but Magnum fights him off and then runs him into the cage via a hammerlock. Then it gets nasty, as Tully's arm is cut and Magnum rips at the gash and shoves the mic in his face. Tully answers by headbutting him in the nuts. Magnum bites on the bloodied arm, but Tully goes to the eyes and hits him low again, as it's just a visceral street fight. Then the most memorable part of the match, as the ugliness comes out with Tully yelling at him to submit and then hitting him with the microphone, giving us the great "Say it! NOOOO! *THUNK*" sequence that defines the match. Tully goes up and hits him with an elbow, then continues punishing him with the mic (THUNK!), as you can just feel the desperation and hatred from both guys. Magnum fires back again and Tully won't quit either, so Magnum jams the microphone into his forehead and the match is getting so ugly and hateful that it must have been pretty uncomfortable to watch live. They slug it out from their knees and Tully puts him down with the microphone again ("Noooo!" THUNK!), and just tosses the ref aside because he's so pissed off and frustrated. Baby Doll tosses a wooden chair in and Tully breaks off a piece of leg, trying to spike Magnum in the eye with it in a spot that has the crowd freaking out like nothing I'd ever heard before then. And then Magnum fights him off and RAMS THE SPIKE INTO HIS EYE, drawing the submission and US title at 14:39. Tully, bloodied and cowering and on the verge of tears while TA stands triumphant but disgusted with himself for letting it go that far, is wrestling's version of Shakespeare. Yeah, some of the specific spots became almost cliché in the years after, but this one did it first in a major match setting (instead of a freakshow like The Sheik or Mark Lewin) and used the gory spots to pay off drama instead of popping a crowd by mere bloodlust. One of my favorite matches EVER. *****

And of course…

#1: WCW World title: Vader v. Ric Flair

So much going on here at Starrcade '93, as Sid Vicious was supposed to get this shot and then went and stabbed Arn Anderson with a pair of scissors, thus ending his own career for a good three years, and leaving WCW with no main event. So Flair stepped in yet again and put his career on the line in his hometown and saved the day again. For me, I never bought into it because the finish was so obvious and predictable and I could hardly even bear to watch WCW anyway. Plus they pissed away any goodwill this earned when they turned Flair heel yet again six months later so he could be Hogan's job guy. Vader overpowers Flair to start and then easily wins a test of strength, cranking on the arm as a result and clotheslining him down. He beats Flair down and press-slams him, then chases him to the floor and presses him onto the railing this time. Flair fights back, but Race hits him with a cheapshot and Flair is back on defense again. Vader suplexes him back in and pounds away on the apron, as Flair is clearly overwhelmed and without a gameplan, and Vader suplexes him back in again and pounds away in the corner. We get a Flair Flip and he hits the floor off that, and back in Vader just unloads with a scary stiff shot and a super-hard clothesline. I like how the announcers are communicating the story, which is that Flair is normally a cerebral wrestler and he's just not able to collect his thoughts here because Vader simply won't let up.

Vader powerslams him for two and goes up, coming down with another stiff clothesline. He goes up to finish with a big splash, but Flair finally moves and regroups, going up with a flying elbow and firing away with chops. Another trip to the top and another elbow puts Vader down, and he follows with the kneedrop, but Vader clotheslines him down again. They head up and Vader brings him down with a superplex, then follows with an elbow. He misses a splash, but Flair tries an ill-advised charge and Vader wallops him again. Vader casually dumps him and allows Race to get another shot in. Back in, Vader misses the corner splash and Flair fights back again, but Vader keeps coming and gets his splash. Flair has had enough, however, and just beats the hell out of Vader until he goes down, then wraps the leg around the post and rams a chair into it, finally getting back to his own gameplan again. Race keeps protesting to the ref and Flair keeps cheating, putting Vader down with the chair to finally buy himself some time to breathe.

Back in, Flair unloads with everything and works on the leg, but can't get the figure-four because Vader is just too powerful. Vader stomps him down and follows with the pump splash, but it misses and this time Flair gets the figure-four. Vader makes the ropes and Race distracts Flair long enough to miss a blind charge, allowing Vader to drop another elbow and take over again. He fires away on the mat and goes up to finish with the moonsault, but it misses and Flair gets two. Race comes in with a diving headbutt and hits Vader by mistake, and Flair gets a fluke rollup for the pin and the title at 21:13. That finish was majorly messed up and really hurt the match, I think, because there was no real payoff for the buildup. Still, fabulous stuff, a great fight, and I daresay that the character played by Vader here is the one that Brock Lesnar is channeling today as UFC champion. ****1/4 Flair's title reign ended up meaning nothing, unfortunately.

So there you go. I definitely disagree with about 10 of the choices here because they were clearly voted in on name value alone, but when the DVD comes out it's pretty much a must buy given the caliber of matches you're getting here and the rarity of them to boot.

Now hopefully the Essential Wrestlemania is next.