written by Adam King

WWF SMACKDOWN
Thursday, January 6th, 2000

Taped (1/4) from the Arena in Orlando, FL

List of WWF Champions at the time:
WWF World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H (1/03/2000)
WWF Intercontinental Co-Champions: Chris Jericho & Chyna (12/30/1999)
WWF World Tag Team Champions: The New Age Outlaws (11/08/1999)
WWF European Champion: Val Venis (12/12/1999)
WWF Hardcore Champion: The Big Bossman (10/14/1999)
WWF Women’s Champion: The Kat (12/12/1999)

~ Smackdown comes on the air with clips of Triple H’s title win on Raw. We then find Stephanie McMahon addressing X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws as Triple H watches nearby. Stephanie says Triple H regaining the WWF Championship was a proud moment in WWF history but Monday wasn’t a proud night for ALL of DX. Stephanie chastises the three of them for failing to defeat The Rock and get him firedm and she does mention Mick Foley’s intruison but still points out they couldn’t beat one person anyway. Stephanie says she and Triple H have a warrant out for Foley’s arrest should he trespass tonight before announcing that she and Triple H have decided to show thier comrades some tough love. Stephanie tells Road Dogg they don’t have any plans for him right now but will later then gives X-Pac a chance to redeem himself, by facing The Big Show. X-Pac complains but Triple H points out he beat Show single-handedly and tells X-Pac he’s good as he is. Stephanie then turns to Billy Gunn and mentions he and Road Dogg saving the Acolytes for the Royal Rumble, but decides to give Billy the chance to soften both of them up tonight, in a handicap match. Billy takes exception but Triple H says they’re not the only ones who are going to sacrifice tonight. Stephanie says tonight Triple H is going to defend the WWF Championship against a random opponent who will be determined by a lottery so it could be anyone, even someone from DX. Stephanie tells Triple H she’s proud of him and Triple H returns those feelings while the Outlaws and X-Pac look less than thrilled.

~ We then finally get the intro, with Michael Cole welcoming us to the show along with Jerry “The King” Lawler.

· The Big Show vs. X-Pac

I’d mention something about Show going from WWF Champion to jerking the curtain in just three days but wasn’t Show already jerking the curtian even as world champion? Show pulls X-Pac out of the ring during his entrance and headbutts him on the floor. Show press slams X-Pac back into the ring and hits another headbutt. Show chops X-Pac in a corner then whips him hard into the opposite corner. Show kicks X-Pac repeatedly in a corner then chokebombs him to the mat and chokes X-Pac with his boot. Show refuses to break before the five count and the referee tries to get Show off of X-Pac but Show shoves him away and that’s a DQ right there. (1:09) Show isn’t happy with that and chokeslams the referee. X-Pac nails Show in the back with a chair but Show is unfazed and punches the chair into X-Pac’s face then follows up with a kneedrop. A swarm or referees try to break it up but Show scares all of them away then shoves the referee out of the ring. Fun just the see X-Pac getting thrown around but otherwise nothing to see here. NR

~ Backstage Chris Jericho and Chyna are bickering about having to team up tonight while The Kat watches nearby. Jericho says teaming with Chyna is a fate worse than death but Chyna says she’s not happy about it either and the two continue to argue as we go to commercial.

~ Back from break we get an exterior shot of the arena and a police officer patroling the area just in case Mick Foley shows up.

~ Chris Jericho is shown walking to the ring with Chyna and The Kat still ranting about the tag match. Jericho suggests to Chyna that she stand on the apron while he does all the work. BTW Jericho is wearing the Intercontinential Title belt both he and Chyna have claim to.

· Chris Jericho & Chyna (w/The Kat) vs. Crash & Hardcore Holly

Jericho and Chyna enter separately and are both billed as ‘Co-Intercontinential Champion’ on the chyron. Jericho and Chyna exchange words when Hardcore attacks Jericho from behind to start the match. Hardcore beats Jericho down and goes for a whip but Jericho hits a flying forearm. Jericho goes for a whip but Hardcore reverses and hits a dropkick. Crash tags in and hammers Jericho in a corner with kicks then whips Jericho into the opposite corner and charges but eats a boot. Crash ducks a clothesline and goes for a huricanrana but Jericho counters it into the Walls of Jericho. Hardcore breaks it up and Jericho reaches for a tag but Chyna turns her back to him. Crash tags in Hardcore and the Hollys whip Jericho but both lower the head and Jericho kicks Hardcore’s face then hits a backbreaker on Crash. Jericho clotheslines Hardcore over the ropes then works over Crash and goes for a whip but Crash reverses and Hardcore pulls down the top rope causing Jericho to tumble out to the floor. Chyna then walks over and helps Jericho up but Jericho shoves her away so Chyna clotheslines him. Chyan rolls Jericho back into the ring and Hardcore hits the Hollycaust for the win. (2:25) Pretty spirited contest for what we got. The Hollys celebrate while Chyna grabs the Intercontinential Title belt and walks off. **

~ We then find the fake Mankind (Mideon) at Universal Studios, scaring away all the children. A man tells him to stay away from the kids so “Mankind” tells him to have a bad day.

~ Back at the arena The Helmsleys are watching this on a monitor thinking it really is Mick Foley. Triple H says he hopes Foley comes to the building and gets arrested and steps out. Tori then comes in saying all the bathrooms are occuiped and asks Stephanie to use her commode. Stephanie says she has no problem with it and Tori jogs into the restroom.

~ The Acolytes are shown walking to the ring for their handicap match as we go to commercial.

~ Back from break Road Dogg is talking to Stephanie wanting to know what his “punishment” is. Stephanie says it’s Triple H’s decision so Road Dogg asks to speak with him. Stephanie claims Triple H is in the bathroom and Road Dogg goes in looking for Triple H but instead finds Tori who screams. Road Dogg yells at Stephanie for not telling him and Stephanie claims she forgot. Road Dogg then storms off while Stephanie just smirks.

· The Acolytes vs. Billy Gunn – Handicap Match

As the Acolytes come out they show their beatdown by the Dudleys and Mean Street Posse on Raw. Billy looks back as if he’s expecting someone before rushing into the ring. The Acolytes pound on Billy to start the match then whip him but miss a double-clothesline. Billy kicks Bradshaw and DDT’s Faarooq then ducks a clothesline and unloads on Bradshaw. Billy goes for a whip but Bradshaw reverses him into a clothesline form Faarooq and The Acolytes take turns getting their shots in and Bradshaw caps off with a right hand. Both Acolytes whip Billy into a double-shoulderblock then Faarooq whips him into a corner. Faarooq whips Bradshaw into Billy but eats a boot and Billy clotheslines Faarooq. Bradshaw manages to connect with the Clothesline from Hades and Faarooq follows up with a headbutt. The Acolytes hit a double-neckbreaker when Road Dogg runs in and clips Bradshaw for the DQ. (2:03) Road Dogg hits the juke ‘n jive punches on Faarooq but Faarooq interups with a spinebuster. Faarooq then throws Road Dogg to the floor and the Acolytes brawl with the Outlaws through the crowd. Just there to build up the only-announced match for the pay-per-view thus far. ½

~ Back in the dressing room we find Kane standing over the Helmsleys as they watch the action on a monitor. Triple H and Stephanie talk about having a great tag team title match at the Royal Rumble until Kane gets their attention by shoving a vase of flowers aside. Kane demands a match with Road Dogg and Triple H doesn’t know what’s up but Stephanie is only too happy to give Kane his match. Kane storms off and Triple H still doesn’t know Kane’s issue with Road Dogg.

~ We then see more cops patroling the grounds for Mick Foley as we go to commerical.

~ Back from break Road Dogg is conversing with Triple H and Stephanie, having escaped from the Acolytes. Triple H warns Road Dogg that if Billy Gunn interferes in his match he’ll be let go. Road Dogg doesn’t understand he has a match until Triple H informs him he has Kane right now. Road Doog flips out and yells at Stephanie for telling Kane but Triple H tells him to back off. After Road Dogg leaves Triple H asks Stephanie what that was about but Stephanie again plays dumb.

· Kane (w/Tori) vs. Road Dogg

Road Dogg comes out doing his spiel but Kane attacks him on the ramp and rams him into the steps. Kane rams Road Dogg into the barricade then beats on him before dropping him onto the barricade. Road Dogg rolls into the ring and attacks Kane as he climbs in but his punches have no effect. Kane throws Road Dogg into a corner and pummels him, capping off with an uppercut, then stomps him down and chokes him on the mat. Kane drapes Road Dogg on the apron and clubs him in the chest twice. Kane rams Road Dogg into another corner and rakes the eyes then beats him down and chokes on the top rope before hitting a suplex. Kane whips Road Dogg into an elbow then slams him to the mat and hits a legdrop. Kane whips Road Dogg but lowers the head and Road Dogg kicks him in the face but Kane shrugs it off. Road Dogg ducks a right hand and gets in some shots then goes for a whip but Kane reverses and hits a boot. Kane climbs to the top rope and connects with the flying clothesline as X-Pac comes out to ringside but Kane goes out and stalks him back up the ramp. However this allows Road Dogg to hit a low blow followed by a DDT on the ramp. Road Dogg rams Kane into the apron then rolls him back into the ring. Road Dogg hits the juke ‘n’ jive punches followed by the big right but Kane doesn’t go down. Road Dogg them comes off the ropes with a forearm and that does take Kane off his feet. Road Dogg goes for the shake, rattle ‘n kneedrop but misses itwhen Kane sits up. Kane hits the chokeslam followed by the Tombstone for the pin. (5:07) Road Dogg got in some offense but this was still a total squash. ½*

~ Backstage The Rock is pacing around in his ring gear apparently ready for action against someone, and the announcers are wondering who will be his opponent tonight. Back in the DX dressing room Stephanie asks Triple H that same question as they watch the monitor. Triple H says the Rock has a special opponent tonight: the (until-now) undefeated Kurt Angle. Stephanie seems less than thrilled while Triple H feels this is where the streak will end.

~ We cut back to Universal Studios and find “Mankind” on a water ride. “Mankind” rants to the tourists that he was hardcore and didn’t fear anything until Triple H fired him. Once the Jaws shark pops up out of the water “Mankind” nearly has a heart attack. After they pass by it “Mankind” says he doesn’t have to be scared about that anymore.

~ A promo is showin hyping the WWF New York restaurant in Times Square which was (at the time) opening soon.

~ Back from break The Rock comes out to the ring and gets on the mic doing his “Finally..” bit. Rock talks about how Triple H threw every member of his crew at him on Raw but he still came out on top and says this is the millenium of the Rock and he is the people’s champion. Rock then finishes with his “If you smell…” line when Kurt Angle comes out to the stage with his own mic. Angle talks about being an Olympic champion, an American hero and a representitive of this great nation. Angle mentions how he did battle in the Olympics and came out a winner and how he’s undefeated in the WWF thanks to his three I’s, so he feels HE should be the People’s champion. Angle scoffs at the notion that the fans prefer a “GQ, smooth talkin’ smart aleck” over him. As Angle climbs into the ring Rock gets back on the mic to respond to his comments. Rock tells Angle he did something he should never have done, and that’s annoy The Rock. Rock says Angle is an American hero then points out Angle’s gold medals. Rock then goes into a lenghty diatribe on what Angle should do with his medals (yes it’s that). Angle rushes Rock and we finally get to the match.

· The Rock vs. Kurt Angle

I do believe this is the first-ever meeting between these future rivals. Rock sidesteps Angle and tees off on him then whips him into a corner and hits a clothesline. Rock whips Angle but Angle and bails out of the ring and starts walking out of the match. Angle makes his way up the ramp but Rock goes out and clotheslines him then goes for a suplex but Angle counters into his own suplex onto the ramp. Angle pops Rock back to ringside and rams his head into the ringsteps then heads back into the ring and tanuts the fans while Rock rolls in. Rock goes for a whip but Angle reverses and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for a two count. Angle pops Rock and stomps him down in a corner before choking him with his boot. Rock starts to fight back and goes for a whip, Angle reverses but lowers the head and Rock hits a neckbreaker for a near fall. Angle hits a back suplex and goes for a whip but Rock counters into a DDT for a two count. Rock hits the Smackdown in a corner then follows up with a Samoan Drop for another near fall. Steve Blackman runs out to the apron with a kendo stick in hand but Rock pops him back off. Rock sets Angle up for a Rock Bottom when Blackman hops onto the apron again. So Rock brings Blackman into the ring then grabs the kendo stick and clocks Blackman with it. Rock then turns and nails Angle with the stick but causes a DQ and as a result Angle wins again. (3:07) Rock argues with the referee before laying out Blackman with a Rock Bottom. Rock starts to leave when he sees Angle celebrating his apparent victory in the ring. So Rock heads back in and plants Angle with a spinebuster followed by the People’s Elbow. The pre-match promo battle was longer than the match itself. Still a fun match for what we got that sowed the seeds for the more epic battles between these two. **½

~ Backstage we find Triple H and Stephanie still watching the action on the monitor and Stephanie feels Angle is still undefeated since Rock got DQ’ed, much to Triple H’s frustration.

~ We then get a shot of a spinning tumbler continaing the names of Triple H’s potential opponents. Outside we also find the cops still patroling for some sign of Mick Foley as we go to commercial.

· Edge, Chrisitan & Jeff Hardy (w/Matt Hary & Terri) vs. The Dudley Boyz & Al Snow (w/Head)

As Snow comes out they show his attempts to take Jeff out over the past week. Matt also has bandages on the fingers Snow broke during the cage match on Raw. As the Dudleys walk out they talk about the bonus DX gave them: having Snow as a partner. D’Von Dudley and Christian lockup to start and D’Von gets the advantage. D’Von whips Christian but lowers the head and Christian kicks the face before throwing him to the mat. Jeff tags in but Snow comes in without a tag and pounds on Jeff before the Dudleys doble-team him. Bubba goes for a delayed vertical suplex but holds Jeff up too long and Jeff lands on his feet. Jeff tries to whip Bubba but can’t budge him and Bubba whips Jeff into his corner. Jeff manages to knock both D’Von and Snow off the apron but Bubba whips him into a corner again. Jeff tries to lift himself up but Bubba catches Jeff and slings him into a spinebuster. Snow comes in and knocks Edge and Christian off the apron then Snow then helps Bubba set Jeff up while D’Von climbs to the top and connects with the headbutt to the groin. Bubba whips Jeff into a backdrop and follows up with a clothesline then whips Jeff again. Bubba lowers the head and Jeff flips over him and goes for an O’Connor roll but Bubba holds onto the rope. Jeff comes off the ropes with a huricanrana then tags in Edge who takes it to both Dudleys. Snow comes in but Christian cuts him off with a dropkick. Edge and Christian each pound on a Dudley in a corner while Snow stalks Terri on the outside. Matt stands between Terri and Snow while Jeff leaps over the ropes catching Snow with a plancha. In the ring Edge comes off the top but Bubba catches him with a clothesline. Bubba then clubs Christian from behind and sets him up while D’Von readies for the 3D but before they can hit their move Edge spears D’Von and Christian flips out of a suplex into a Slop Drop. Edge hits the Downard Spiral on D’Von and gets the pin while Christian keeps Bubba from making the save. (3:08) Quite a bit of action crammed into three minutes but way too short for a six-man tag. After the match Jeff leaves with Matt and Terri while Edge & Christian take off through the crowd. Snow then grabs Head and lays out both Dudleys with it while yelling at them for losing. **

~ Back to Universal Studios where we find “Mankind” trying to get into Woody Woodpecker’s Nuthouse Coaster. “Mankind” walks up to the security guard wanting to get on the ride but he is informed the ride is closed. “Mankind” pleads his case and even offers a bribe of a quarter but the guard radios for backup. “Mankind” then tricks the guard and runs away.

~ We then find the police force still waiting for the real Mick Foley to show up as we go to commercial.

· Test vs. The Big Bossman © – Non-Title Non-Hardcore Match

As Test comes out they show the beatings Bossman and Albert have been giving him the past week. Cole says Stephanie is softening Test up for something but never says what. Test is also still wearing the faceguard for his broken nose. Bossman promises no run-ins and even offers a hand but Test kicks it away and starts pounding him. Test goes for a whip but Bossman reverses and catches him into a backbreaker. Bossman chokeslams Test but Test fights back and whips him into an elbow. Test goes for a whip, Bossman reverses but misses a right hand and Test hits a clothesline. Bossman pops Test in the face then ties him in the ropes and removes the faceguard. Prince Albert makes his way to ringside as Bossman frees Test from the ropes. Bossman distracts the referee while Albert pulls Test out of the ring and works him over before choking him on the floor. Bossman goes out and hits a knee to the face then drops him onto the barricade. Bossman throws Test back into the ring and hits a kneedrop while Albert trashtalks him. Bossman applies a forearm across the face and Test fights out of it and whips Bossman into a corner. Test charges and eats an elbow but still manages to connect with a big boot and both men are down. Test goes for a whip and Bossman reverses but Test hits a DDT for a two count. Test shoves Bossman in a corner and hits a forearm but runs into a double boot. Bossman comes out but Test powerslams him before knocking Albert off the apron. Bossman holds Test as Albert comes in with a bicycle kick but Albert misses Test and nails Bossman. Test shoves Albert down and covers Bossman for the pin, finally getting a win in this feud. (4:04) Nothing really memorable here but not the worst match either. Test walks away holding his nose while Bossman yells at Albert for his botched interference. You’d think all this abuse would lead to Test eventually getting his shot at Triple H and Stephanie for but I don’t think it ever happened. *

~ Back in the DX dressing room, Triple H calls Test’s win an upset and Stephanie hopes Triple H doesn’t get upset in his match but Triple H says that ain’t going to happen.

~ We get another shot at the tumbler to decide Triple H’s challenger as we go to commercial.

~ Back from break we find the fake Mankind still at Universal Studios, coming across the “Back to the Future” ride. “Mankind” decides he wants to turn the hands of time back to his first WWF Championship win last year. “Mankind” then changes his mind and wants to go back to March 15, 1982, the last time his wife found him attractive.

~ We get another shot of the cops still waiting outside the arena for Mankind to appear and get arrested.

~ Back in the arena the Mean Street Posse are apparently coming out to the ring for a match. We cut to the DX room where Stephanie asks Triple H what the Posse are doing out there and Triple H says he wanted to reward them by giving them possibly their first tag team win.

· The Mean Street Posse vs. Kaientai – Handicap Match

The Posse attack Taka Michinoku and Sho Funaki at ringside before throwing them into the ring. However Taka gets on the apron and hits an Asai moonsault on all three men. Funaki throws Joey Abs into the ring and both men whip him into a drop toehold. Funaki applies a camel clutch on Abs while Taka dropkicks him in the face. Funaki goes for a whip, Abs reverses him into a corner and charges but eats a double boot. Funaki hops onto the middle rope and hits a flipover into a bulldog. Funaki goes for a whips but Abs reverses and Rodney nails Funaki from the apron. Abs hits a suplex followed by a gutwrench suplex for a two count. Rodney tags in and slams Funaki to the mat before tagging Abs back in. Rodney whips Funaki and flips him up into a sitdown powerbomb (which Cole claims they call The Stock Exchange) from Abs. Abs starts to go for the cover but Pete Gas demands to be tagged in so Abs obliges. Pete hits an inverted full nelson slam (The Gas Mask) but only gets two and Rodney tags in. Rodney hops to the middle rope and goes for a Buff Blockbuster (The High Society) but misses Funaki and hits Pete with it by by accident. Rodney scoops Funkai up but Funaki floats over as Taka climbs to the top rope. Taka hits a missle dropkick that knocks Rodney into a rollup from Funaki for the three! (3:02) Kaientai celebrate while the Posse can’t believe they lost again. Some fun stuff but not much else. *½

~ Back in the DX dressing room Triple H talks about how he gives people a chance and they blow it. Stephanie brings up Triple H’s lottery and they head out to draw his opponent as we go to commercial.

~ We then cut back to Universal Studios to see what the fake Mankind is up to. “Mankind” is getting off a ride a little queasy when he finds the real Mankind waiting for him. Mankind yells at his doppelganger for talking about his wife and family before tearing into him. Mankind throws the imposter around the park and slams him into several objects while ranting about Triple H. Eventually Mankind leaves the fake laying while telling him “Have a nice day.”

~ Back from break we get a replay of Mankind destroying his evil duplicate and also a replay of Rikishi being drawn as Triple H’s challenger.

· WWF World Heavyweight Title: Triple H © vs. Rikishi Phatu

I guess you could say this is Rikishi’s first world title shot in seven years since back in March ‘93 on Raw Rikishi (as Fatu of the Headshrinkers) challenged Bret Hart and lost. Rikishi comes out with Too Cool but asks them to stay back, wanting to do this himself. Stephanie comes out with Triple H but again joins the announcers for commentary. Triple H attacks Rikishi from behind to start and beats him down in a corner but Rikishi fights out of it and drops Triple H with a right hand. Rikishi connects with two more rights then whips Triple H into a backdrop. Triple H rolls out to the floor but Rikishi goes out and rams him into the ringsteps twice then slams Triple H onto the floor and hits a legdrop. Rikishi goes for a whip but Triple H reverses and sends Rikishi into the steps. Triple H rams Rikishi into the steps then into the announce table twice. Triple H rolls Rikishi back into the ring but Rikishi attacks him as he climbs in. Rikishi goes for a whip but Triple H reverses and belts him in the chest as we get a shot of X-Pac and the Outlaws watching the match from the DX dressing room. Triple H goes for a whip, Rikishi reverses but Triple H hits the facebuster for a two count. Triple H comes out of a corner with a clothesline for another two count. Triple H throws Rikishi through the ropes then goes out and rams him into the barricade. Triple H goes for a whip but Rikishi reverses and sends Triple H into the barricade. Rikishi follows up with a clothesline before throwing him back into the ring.

Rikishi whips Triple H into a corner then hits the running butt splash followed by a Samoan Drop but only gets two. Rikishi hits a belly-to-belly suplex and drags Triple H toward the corner then climbs up and hits the Banzai Drop … but that only gets two?! Yes you read that right, Triple H kicked out of the Banzai Drop!! Rikishi sets Triple H up for the sitdown piledriver but Triple H escapes from it and sets up for a Pedigree. Before he can hit it Rikishi counters with a backdrop then connects with a superkick but still can’t get the three. Rikishi goes for the sitdown splash but Triple H avoids it as Stephanie slides a chair into the ring. Stephanie hops on the apron the distract the referee while Triple H clocks Rikishi with the chair. Triple H covers Rikishi as the referee turns back but Rikishi still kicks out! Stephanie passes the title belt to Triple H who clocks Rikishi with it in full view of the refere to get himself DQ’ed and save his title. (7:12) Solid main event that had some good drama and at some points had the crowd believing Rikishi might pull it off until the unfortunate finish. After the bell Rikishi starts getting to his feet so Triple H brings another chair into the ring and clocks Rikishi in the back. However Rikishi again starts getting up so Triple H grabs his belt and bails form the ring. Backstage we find the rest of DX saying they weren’t going to help Triple H this time. Triple H yells at Rikishi as he begins his post-match dance with Too Cool. However the fact remains Triple H is still champion as Smackdown goes off the air. **½

Overall this was a good edition of Smackdown. There was some solid action and some nice angle advancement, including showing some possible dissention in the DX ranks. The main event was good and showed Rikishi could hang with the top stars which would make him a top player for much of 2000. I could have done without Triple H kicking out of the Banzai Drop, though, when everyone else (even Steve Austin) sold it like death. It’s like Hulk Hogan popping right up after a Vader powerbomb. Anyway, still a nicely-done show but the best stuff is just right around the corner.

APRIL 19, 2010

ORLANDO, FLORIDA - THE IMPACT ZONE

-  So, just like many others, I went over to 411 to check out the live play-by-play of Lockdown last night.  Maybe it's just me, but some of these jokes were over my head.  Some of them I have seen time and time again.  Not bashing the guy that did it, kudos to him for sitting through 3 hours of a TNA pay-per-view.  All I am saying is I hadn't seen any of the Kurt Angle-Mr. Anderson match, but giving it MOTY honors, is saying a whole lot.  Oh, and the clip art; oh the clip art!!!  Let's cross the line.

-  We start with a Lockdown recap video.  Flair bleeds.

"WHAT WE ALL FIGHT FOR"

-  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

-  We start with TNA World Champion, AJ Styles.  Ric Flair is running late, he'll be there shortly.  He got caught up with some "celebrating".  AJ says that Pope has joined the list of everyone else that has fallen to him.  AJ calls himself the workhorse of TNA.  Out comes Rob Van Dam.  Crowd pops huge for RVD and he tells AJ that is a real crowd reaction.  RVD says AJ may have been the best at one time, but times have changed.  RVD isn't really impressed with AJ's abilities.  RVD says that he deserves the top spot in TNA.  The crowd agrees and out comes Jeff Hardy.  Hardy says that AJ is so big-headed for having such a little head.  AJ says that doesn't make any sense.  I agree.  Hardy says he has a big head, but at least he is modest.  Hardy says that he came to TNA to complete his collection of World Championships.  Now here comes Hulk Hogan wearing an Abyss shirt.  Hogan says it's all about the TNA title.  He is raising the bar and tells everyone in the back to up their game.  Hogan asks RVD and Jeff Hardy if they want to be champion bad enough.  He books them in a match for later.  The winner gets a shot at AJ Styles' TNA Championship.  AJ says he won't be ready to defend the title at Sacrifice.  Hogan says that whomever wins the match will face AJ Styles tonight.

-  In walks a taped up Ric Flair.  He learns that AJ will defend the title tonight and Flair isn't happy.

-  Back on TNA and Mike Tenay informs us that Ric Flair will be barred from ringside.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

1.  Daffney & ODB vs. Velvet Sky & Lacey von Erich

-  So Taz informs us that Sean Waltman is not fired.  Nor is he in trouble.  Actually Dixie Carter knew he was going to no-show Lockdown.  Bell rings and Lacey quickly tags out to Velvet as Daffney charges for her.  Velvet misses a charge and Daffney knees her low.  Daffney wants Lacey and Velvet intercepts her.  Lacey is tagged in.  At the bottom of the screen, its says that Brian Kendrick won the Xscape match from last night.  Hmm, could of sworn it was Homicide, but anyways.  Lacey comes in and hits a backflip elbow on Daffney.  Daffeny no-sells and Lacey tags out quickly.  Velvet in and drops Daffney for a 2.  Velvet goes up to the 2ND rope and gets caught in the stomach.  Daffney gets free and tags in ODB.  She cleans house hits a Thesz press on Velvet for no cover.  ODB hits a corner splash and fallaway slam.  ODB rolls up Velvet, but no referee.  Lacey sprays ODB in the eyes and Velvet rolls her up for the win @ 2:43.  (DUD)

-  In the back, we over hear AJ yelling to Ric Flair about how unfair everything is.  Flair tells him last night was a disaster.  He wants a rematch tonight, Team Flair vs. Team Hogan.  He tells JB they 5 minutes or he is claiming victory by forfeit.

-  Back on TNA and Abyss is in the ring while Jeff Jarrett holds up a Team Hogan sign.  Abyss says the war is over after last night.  He says they would have no problem beating on Team Flair some more if RVD and Jeff Hardy weren't already booked for tonight.  Out comes Team Flair.  Flair says opening line:  Kiss my ass.  He send the troops into the ring on Abyss and Jarrett.  Sting comes in and takes them both out with his baseball bat.  Out comes ROB TERRY.  He drops Desmond Wolfe and chokeslams James Storm.  He picks up Wolfe for a press slam and fobbles him.  He picks him up a second time and throws him on top of Sting.  Sting pops up and TERRY boots him in the face and falls down in the process.  Dear lord.  Flair vows death on TERRY.  Out comes Eric Bischoff.  He grants Flair their rematch and says there is a fourth guy who can't wait to kick their ass.  Up next is Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam.

-  Back on TNA, Matt Morgan is talking to Shannon Moore.  Morgan says he has to find a partner to help him defend his tag titles next week against Team 3D.  Moore says he has to get ready to face Kazarian next week for the X Division title.  Big shocker there.  Moore tells him to kiss his tattooed ass and walks off.

-  Mike Tenay runs down the rest of Impact.  He calls it the Biggest.  Impact.  Ever.

-  Backstage, Hogan talks to Eric Bischoff.  Hogan asks if "he" will be here for the 8 man tag team match.  Bischoff promises a new ranking system for the TNA title next week.  Bischoff sends his intern to go get the files and makes a few dick jokes at her expense with Hogan.

-  A camera follows RVD to the ring while he talks about wrestling Hardy.  Pretty cool looking shot.  RVD calls himself the Whole F'N Show.

WINNER FACES AJ STYLES FOR THE TNA WORLD TITLE TONIGHT

2.  Jeff Hardy vs.  Rob Van Dam

-  They shake hands to start.  RVD with a go behind and Hardy ducks under and we have a stalemate.  Test of strength and Hardy ducks under, RVD into a headlock and Hardy attempts a Twist of Fate.  RVD ducks out and WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

-  Back on TNA and RVD is on the outside with Jeff Hardy.  He lays out Hardy on the guardrail and ~~ROB--VAN--DAM~~ twisting legdrop onto Hardy.  RVD tosses him back in.  Hardy is layed out under the bottom rope and ~~ROB--VAN--DAM~~ SLINGSHOT LEGDROP ON THE OUTSIDE ACROSS HARDY'S THROAT!  RVD hits a cross body block for 2.  RVD is bleeding from the cut from last night.  RVD peppers him with forearms.  He kicks Hardy in the legs and Hardy dropkicks RVD in the back of the knee.  Hardy in control and legdrop between the legs of RVD.  Hardy with a basement dropkick and quick clothesline gets 2.  RVD reverses a corner whip and goes for the monkey flip.  Out of the flip, Hardy hits a lariat.  Hardy off the ropes, RVD splits, Hardy rolls him up for 2.5.  Hardy goes up top and RVD meets him there.  RVD drapes Hardy in the middle of the ropes and kicks him in the head.  RVD up top and jumps off with a side kick to the head of Hardy.  Hardy is on the outside, but rolls back in.  RVD with a corkscrew legdrop and rolling thunder into a splash.  Cover gets 2.  Both men up and Hardy spears RVD into the corner.  He beats him down and misses his snap dropkick low in the corner.  RVD with a Split Leg Moonsault and gets 2.7.  RVD measures and kicks Hardy in the head.  RVD goes for a suplex, Hardy jumps out and front layout suplex on RVD.  Hardy on the top and RVD jumps up and spin wheel kick to the head of Hardy.  RVD up top with him.  Crowd says this is awesome.  Hardy pushes RVD off the top and misses the Swanton Bomb.  RVD up top quickly and connects with the FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH for the win @ 13:29.  (B.  what a phenomenal match!!!!)

-  Back on TNA Christy Hemme is with RVD and Hardy.  RVD and Hardy have their own mics.  They thank each other for the great match.  They commentate some of the highlights from the match by "oohing" and "ahhing" the high spots.  RVD cuts a pot-induced promo.

-  Now we see Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, and ROB TERRY talking about their match tonight.  ROB TERRY calls himself the Freak.  Abyss screams.  They calls their 4TH partner a bombshell.

3.  Sting, Desmond Wolfe, & Beer Money Inc.  vs.  Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, ROB TERRY, & ???

-  It's Lethal Lockdown rules minus the cage.  No decision can be rendered until all 8 men have entered.  We start with Jarrett and Sting.  Now we go to break.

-  Back on TNA and the bell rings as Sting and Jarrett battle on the outside through the crowd.  Sting slams Jarrett headfirst into a chair and then cracks the chair across his back.  Jarrett screams "shit" into the camera.  Sting throws Jarrett headfirst into the retaining wall.  Now they battle up the steps of the Impact Zone.  Jarrett comes back with some big time Memphis right hands.  Now Jarrett cracks the chair across Sting's back twice.  Jarrett goes to throw Sting into the retaining wall and Sting reverses it.  Sting throws Jarrett back over the guardrail.  Sting picks up Jarrett and drives him throat first into the guardrail.  Now we get in the ring and Sting stomps away.  Down to 1 minute in the first period.  Sting misses a Stinger Splash.  Jarrett with his signature rights again and drops Sting with a clothesline.  Sting up and they double clothesline each other.  Out comes Desmond Wolfe.  Wolfe tagged in and hits Jarrett with European Uppercuts.  Wolfe charges the corner and hits the charging elbow.  Wolfe sends Jarrett in and Jarrett comes back with a hiptoss.  Wolfe up and misses a clothesline and Jarrett hits him with rights and Wolfe stops him with a thumb to the eye.  Wolfe puts Jarrett on the top and goes for the Tower of London.  Jarrett comes off and reverses into a back suplex.  Out comes ROB TERRY.  Jarrett tags him in and he clotheslines Wolfe.  TERRY backdrops Wolfe something, Rick Rude-like.  In comes Sting, out goes Sting.  Wolfe jumps into TERRY'S arms and out walks Orlando Jordan.  Front slam on Wolfe.  TERRY with a Jackhammer (imagine that) on Wolfe.  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

-  Back on TNA and to bring you up to speed, Abyss and Robert Roode have joined their respective teams.  Roode thumbs Abyss in the eye and goes up to the 2ND rope and jumps into a waiting Abyss.  Roode elbows out and runs into a big boot.  Abyss hits a corner splash and Abyss with a chokeslam.  Abyss clubs Roode in the back of the head.  Roode gets backdropped.  Out comes James Storm.  Roode moves out of the way of a charge and Storm with a double kick to the head.  In comes Storm.  He knees Abyss in the head and runs into a sidewalk slam.  Storm tags in Wolfe and here comes Jarrett.  Jarrett comes in and cleans house.  Storm comes in and interrupts and now there is a 3 on 1 situation.  Storm misses another corner charge and double clothesline for Wolfe and Roode.  Countdown is on and out comes SAMOA JOE!!!!  Joe comes out in his traditional tights.  He stops on the apron and tags in.  He takes out Beer Money!  He T-Bone Suplexes Wolfe!  He throws Sting in the corner and kicks Sting in the face!  One arm urinage on Roode!  The bottom of the screen now reads that Homicide won the Xscape match!  BIG TIME MUSCLE BUSTER ON ROBERT ROODE!  WHERE IS JAMES STORM?!?!?  Joe wins it for Team Hogan @ 16:40.  (C+.  Good surprise factor.  I like the beard Joe, Abe Lincoln style.)  Out comes Ric Flair.  He's got something to say to Abyss, but we go to break.

-  During the break, Ric Flair challenges Abyss with the HOF Rings on the line for next week.

MAIN EVENT

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

4.  Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles

-  Is AJ wearing makeup?  RVD's forehead has been bleeding for 2 hours.  No JB ring announcing here because AJ attacks before the bell.  AJ wrenches RVD's neck through the rope and throws RVD out of the ring.  AJ with a picture perfect swan dive over the top rope and lands on RVD and his own neck.  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

-  Back on TNA and AJ has the upper hand.  RVD backflips over AJ and whips AJ in.  AJ ducks under, trips RVD and dropkicks RVD in the face with a dropkick.  Cover gets 2.  AJ has RVD in the corner and chops away.  AJ sweeps the leg and works it over with elbow drops.  RVD tries to kick and AJ counters with a Dragon screw leg whip.  AJ now chokes RVD in the corner.  AJ grabs the leg and RVD turns it over and hits the spin wheel kick.  AJ and RVD trade blows.  RVD with a series of clotheslines and whips AJ in.  Monkey flip shoots AJ across the ring.  RVD hits the Rolling Thunder.  Cover gets 2.  AJ grabs the leg and applies the Figure 4 very quickly.  RVD gets to the ropes.  AJ drags him back to the center and RVD catches a small package for 2.  RVD misses a charge and AJ connects with the Pele kick.  Styles Clash is reversed and AJ gets dumped over the top.  AJ on his feet and springboards across and RVD hits a powerbomb.  RVD up to the top quickly and FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH!  RVD covers and @ 10:32 WE HAVE A NEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, ROB VAN DAM!!!!  (B-.  Great match.  Give these guys 30 minutes on pay=per-view.  There is your match of the year.)  Confetti falls from the sky as RVD celebrates.  Jeff Hardy comes in to congratulate him.  Where is the belt?  Oh there it is with Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter.  The locker room comes out to congratulate RVD.  Team 3D put RVD on their shoulders.  AJ cries in the corner on the outside.  Crowd chants RVD as the show comes to an end.

FINAL THOUGHTS...

-  Well, TNA had to put on a pretty good show after an on par pay per view performance.  Anybody see the Pope?  Or how about the Band?  Anybody see Mr. Anderson?  Or any of the X Division?  I guess we will get all that in part two of Impact, next week.  Was this the Best.  Impact.  Ever.?  It was pretty good.  All the people that wanted more RVD and Jeff Hardy, you got it.  If you wanted more action and less talk, you got it.  And if you still wanted to see Ric Flair running a muck and having a conniption; you got that too.  I liked Impact very much this week.  Hopefully next week, we move forward and not give the belt back to AJ or put Flair and Abyss in the main event.  Total time of action this week:  43:22.  May be an Impact record.  Till next week folks.

- Given we're at that point in the RAW Legacy rants, now is as good a time as any to redo this show, what with Shawn Michaels' final match coming up this weekend.

- Live from Madison Square Garden.

- Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Owen Hart v. Bret Hart

They trade takedowns to start and Owen whines about it while making the ropes. Owen gets his takedown and Bret puts him out of the ring, so Owen comes back with a bitchslap and hides in the corner. Bret had a good point about this match in an interview, where he talked about walking a fine line between a heel getting his comeuppance from his brother and big brother outright beating up on his own little brother. They trade wristlocks and Owen takes him down, but Bret reverses and works the arm, then rolls Owen up for two. Back to the arm, but Owen escapes with a cheapshot and they criss-cross into a monkey-flip from Bret before a clothesline puts Owen on the floor again. Back in, they shove it out and Bret rolls him up for two and goes back to the armbar. I like the little undertone here of Bret fighting the temptation to revert to teenaged squabbling while Owen does everything to push big brother's buttons and piss him off. Bret goes to the arm again and they criss-cross again, and this time Owen hits the leg lariat to put him down. He tosses Bret and they head back in, where Owen gets a backbreaker and goes to a camel clutch to work on the back. He gets two, but Bret whips him into the corner and Owen comes out with a bodypress, reversed by Bret for two. Owen takes him down with a chinlock, but tries a slam and Bret reverses for two. Owen dumps him and Bret tries to sneak in with a rollup, but Owen reverses to a bridged german suplex for two. NICE. Legdrop gets two.

Bret reverses a suplex with a small package for two, but Owen reverses a piledriver attempt into his own tombstone. He goes up and misses a flying splash. Bret comes back with a clothesline for two. Legsweep gets two. Owen takes him down for a Sharpshooter, but Bret counters to his own and Owen goes to the eyes to break. Owen with a rollup for two. Another great theme here: Two guys who know each other so well that they can reverse anything the other can throw out. They head out and Bret hurts his knee on the way out, and Owen is all over that. He goes right for it and Vince is shocked that someone wouldn't exhibit fair play. Yeah, we know Vince McMahon is all about a fair fight. Owen wraps the knee around the post and heads back in for more punishment, taking him down with a legdrag and pounding on the knee. This leads to the figure-four, but Bret reverses and Owen has to make the ropes. Owen goes back to the leg, but Bret hits him with an enzuigiri and pounds away in the corner. Owen gets sent into the turnbuckles and Bret drops a leg for two and even remembers to sell the pain of using the bad leg! Bulldog gets two. Piledriver gets two. Superplex gets two. Bret pounds him with forearms and grabs a sleeper, but Owen goes low to break and gets the Sharpshooter. Bret quickly reverses, but Owen falls into the ropes. Owen charges and hits boot and Bret tries the victory roll, but Owen blocks for the pin at 20:19 and the Garden is in SHOCK. Without a doubt, the best opening match in company history. ***** It's got a nuanced backstory, amazing work, the perfect finish and solid psychology from both guys, and not just the usual selling of injury type.

- Sy Sperling introduces Howard Finkel's new toupee, a makeover that thankfully only lasted one show.

Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon v. Doink & Dink

This marks the first major visual change for Ray Apollo as Doink, as the outfit is now totally redesigned and it's obviously a different guy. Bigelow lays out Doink and follows with a dropkick, but misses a senton. Doink comes back and works the arm, and brings Dink in. So Luna chokes out the midget, but misses a charge to give Dink two. You know, as stupid as this seemed back then (and still seems now) these days if you put a show about pro wrestling midget clowns on TLC, you'd probably have a hit. Make them hoarders who do tattoos on the side and you'll make millions. Luna slams Dink and goes up, but misses a splash and it's tags on both sides. Bigelow clotheslines Doink out of the ring, giving us more time for "comedy" with Dink's wacky antics. Back in, Bigelow blocks a sunset flip with a butt splash, but Doink comes back and goes up. Whoopie Cushion misses, and Bigelow knocks Dink off the apron and blocks a backdrop suplex attempt for two. Flying headbutt finishes this mess at 6:09. This one ranks pretty low both on the list of Wrestlemania mixed tag matches AND Wrestlemania midget matches. This was pretty much Doink getting squashed to end this feud for good. 1/2*

Falls Count Anywhere: Randy Savage v. Crush

This is more accurately described as a Last Man Standing match. Savage attacks at the entrance and gets dropped on the railing for his efforts, and Crush gets the first pin at 0:42. Macho is able to make it back into the ring within the arbitrary 60 seconds, so the match continues. Crush pounds away and hangs Savage in the Tree of Woe, but gets a handful of salt from Fuji. That allows Savage enough time to escape and kick it back in Crush's face, and he drops the big elbow, pushes him to the floor, and gets the pin at 4:25. Fuji is forced to dump a pitcher on water on his man to revive him, but he beats the count back in. Savage chokes away on the ropes, but charges and gets backdropped to the floor in a great bump. They brawl on the floor and Savage clotheslines him into the crowd, but walks into a superkick. Savage blocks a piledriver attempt and they fight into the backstage area, where Savage runs him into scaffolding and pins him at 8:00. And then in a smart move, he trusses Crush up (although his knot-tying could use work, as Crush falls down before Savage even leaves for the ring) and makes it back to the ring for the win at 9:36. Would have been better without the "beat the count" gimmick, but this was still fun and featured a creative finish. **3/4

Meanwhile, Todd Pettingill interviews a Bill Clinton impersonator.

WWF Women's title: Alundra Blayze v. Leilani Kai

Where did they pull Kai out of mothballs from for this? And whoever thought "Alundra" would be a good name, anyway? Kai attacks to start, but Blayze gets a rollup in the corner for two. Sunset flip gets two. Kai comes back with a slam for two, but Blayze hits a rana for two. Kai tosses her and back in for a hair toss that gets two. Blayze makes the comeback and gets a suplex for two, and the german suplex finishes at 3:23. 1/2*

WWF World tag titles: The Quebecers v. Men on a Mission

But first, we cut backstage to super-drunk Burt Reynolds cock-blocking Shawn Michaels. Big brawl to start and the champs double-team Mabel, but walk into a double-clothesline. MOM work on Pierre in the corner, as Mabel drops a leg and they hit a double elbow, but Jacques interferes to make Mo your face-in-peril. They toss him and Jacques cannonballs Pierre onto him to follow, and back in that gets two. Hotshot gets two for Jacques. Mo fights back with a somersault kick, but can't tag Mabel. Pierre misses a top rope legdrop and it's hot tag Mabel. Bossman slam for Jacques, but he misses a corner splash. The Quebecers take advantage with a double suplex and the Cannonball, but it only gets two. That should have been the finish. The Quebecers keep double-teaming Mabel, but he fights them off and MOM hits their double-team splash on Jacques. Johnny Polo is busy distracting the ref, however, so MOM pulls the champs out of the ring and settles for a countout win at 7:59 instead. Terrible finish. *1/2

WWF World title: Yokozuna v. Lex Luger

Mr. Perfect returns after a lengthy insurance-related absence to be special referee here, having never quite settled his issue with Lex Luger. Makes you wonder if that will factor into the match. I should note that the most obnoxious thing about this match is guest ring announcer Donnie Wahlberg constantly getting introduced as a member of "NKOTB" as if anyone was actually going to call them that. Although now I guess New Kids on the Block are part of a whole nostalgia comeback thing, which makes me both depressed and very old. Slugfest to start and Luger gets a clothesline, but walks into one from Yoko. Lex comes back with a shot to put Yoko on the floor and follows with an axehandle off the apron, and back in for a flying bodypress that gets two. Elbowdrop gets two. Yoko chokes him out on the ropes and blocks a slam for two. Yoko pounds away in the corner and takes the turnbuckle off, but doesn't use it. He goes to the nerve pinch so as to slow down the torrid pace. Sign in the crowd: "Lex Loser". A bit on-the-nose, but yes. The nerve pinch goes on FOREVER, literally more than four minutes. Yoko finally dumps Luger to break up the monotony and then hauls him back in for…ANOTHER NERVE PINCH. FML. Finally, after something like 7 total minutes of having his shoulders gently massaged, Luger makes the comeback, only to walk into a belly to belly suplex. Lex fights back with clotheslines to knock Yoko down, and he gets the slam. STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH looks to finish, but Perfect won't count. Luger gets in his face and shoves him, and that's a DQ at 14:35. So just like the sun rising and the tides coming in, Lex Luger blows another title shot. This started OK, but ran off the rails once it got to that awful nerve pinch sequence. 1/4*

Adam Bomb v. Earthquake

Harvey Wippleman lays the badmouth on the Fink, prompting an attack from Adam Bomb, but Quake saves and finishes with the butt splash at 0:28. Obviously they were running a bit late at this point. Could a fucking 7 minute nerve hold in the previous match have anything to do with it, I wonder? DUD

WWF Intercontinental title, ladder match: Razor Ramon v. Shawn Michaels

People question a lot whether this match "holds up", although thinking about, I think that's the wrong question to ask. Wrestling as an artform is very in-the-moment and as a rule never truly intended to say the same thing to fans in 2010 as it did in 1994. So anyway, I've seen this match a million times, but here's one more go, probably the last one. For me, this was the match where my worldview switched for good to "getting it". The first time I watched it, I admired the beating delivered by Razor Ramon. Every time after that, I admired the bumps taken by Shawn.

Shawn blocks a hiptoss and pokes Ramon in the eye, but gets chokeslammed as a result, then comes back with a neckbreaker. Razor puts him down with a shoulderblock, but Shawn tosses him for some abuse by Diesel. The referee sends him back to the dressing room, thus fulfilling the purpose for both of them on the night and leaving Shawn and Razor alone to do their thing. Razor slugs away in the corner and clotheslines Shawn to the floor, but they fight back in again. Razor sets up for a Razor's Edge onto the floor, but Shawn backdrops him out instead and retrieves the ladder for the first time. Razor gets it and puts it on the apron, so Shawn baseball slides it for our first ladder spot. Back in, Shawn rams it into Razor's chest and then tosses it at his back. Given Razor wasn't looking and took it square in the back, that HAD to hurt. Shawn does the first climb, but gets his tights pulled down by Razor to stop him. So he drops the elbow on Razor and then climbs the ladder in the corner, hitting a flying splash off it for one of the iconic images of his career. Another try for the belts, but Razor pushes the ladder over and Shawn clotheslines himself on the top rope. They collide and Shawn recovers first, setting up the ladder in the corner for more bad news. Razor whips him into it, allowing Shawn to bump to the floor in dramatic fashion, and then follows and uses the ladder to ram Shawn into the post. He catapults Shawn into the ladder for another crazy bump, and then spears him out of the ring with the ladder for good measure. That seems to be enough to allow Razor to climb, but Shawn dives in from the top rope and knocks him off again. They both climb the ladder and slug it out on top, leading to Razor slamming Shawn off the top and then bumping off himself. The ladder almost breaks, leading to a weird moment as we have to ponder a time when there WASN’T 17 ladders under the ring, just in case. Razor manages to climb again, but Shawn dropkicks him off and adds a superkick. Razor is out, so Shawn adds a piledriver for good measure. Then another iconic moment, as he climbs the ladder in the corner and rides it down onto Razor in a bump that was likely totally safe but looked awesome. So Shawn puts the ladder over top of Razor for one last bit of humiliation, and climbs, but that allows Razor to shake the ladder and knock Shawn off. And he gets tied into the ropes, the victim of his own hubris, allowing Razor to climb unstopped and reunify the Intercontinental title at 18:45. Still tells a great story, still has amazing bumps, still one of the greatest matches of all time. *****

WWF World title: Yokozuna v. Bret Hart

Your special referee this time: Rowdy Roddy Piper. Guest ring announcer Burt Reynolds is literally so drunk he's on the verge of falling down. Bret Hart is still selling the leg, which is awesome. Yoko attacks him on the way in and chops him down. Bret slugs back, but misses a dropkick, allowing Yoko to choke away on the ropes. Yoko misses the big fat splash, but Bret tries a headbutt and knocks himself down. Bret keeps slugging on him until he goes down, and that gets two. Cornette pulls out Piper, so Piper puts his lights out. More choking from Yokozuna, which sets up the Hulkbuster, but he doesn't cover. He tosses Bret, who beats the rather brisk count back in. Yoko misses the corner splash and Bret comes back with a bulldog for two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Clothesline gets two. Piper is just right into this referee gig. Bret dives off the second rope, and gets caught with a belly to belly. Yoko sets up to finish with the butt drop, but he slips off the ropes and Bret regains the WWF title at 10:38. Talk about your "slip on a banana peel" finish. Kind of a weird ending, but it got the belt back where it belonged. **1/4

The Pulse:

Really, this show doesn't pretend to be about anything other than the two awesome matches and feelgood finish, and that's exactly what it delivers. Of course, both great matches are available elsewhere (and in the case of the ladder match, READILY available elsewhere) so as a show you're not missing much if you haven't seen anything else out of those. But it all works as a show, so strongly recommended.

So I ask you, the reader, in poll form to assist me with a decision. 

Wrestlemania XX: Where It All Begins…Again

From Madison Square Garden in New York City on March 14, 2004

Hosted by Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Michael Cole and Tazz

WWE Championship: Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle

These two always brought the goods in singles or tag action but I’ve never seen this match in full. They do some little wrestling sequences which Eddie holds up pretty well in to start the storytelling. On another sequence Angle gets an over & under front face lock and takes Guerrero to the ground. Guerrero tries to fight the hold and Angle almost powers him into a suplex before Eddie gets the moment and reverses. That’s a strong little sequence there. Eddie with two armdrags and an armbar into a keylock. All well described by Tazz. I tell you, I’m really digging Tazz’s commentary. Angle powers out and hits a kitchen sink knee on Eddie and pops on the abdominal stretch. Guerrero slickly escapes and gets a suplex but Angle comes right back with a german suplex. Angle tries to give Eddie a german suplex over the top but Eddie lands on the ring apron…so Angle tries to give him a german suplex off the ring apron onto the floor. Jesus man. Thankfully Eddie holds on and an elbow releases the go behind. Eddie back in the ring and a baseball slide to Angle keeps him on the floor. Guerrero goes to the top but Angle wisely moves and Eddie goes crashing into the barricade. Angle rolls him into the ring and gets a cover for two. Beautiful rib breaker also gets two. Angle backs Guerrero into the corner and drives the shoulder into Eddie’s midsection. Snapmare and a body scissors from Angle. Guerrero powers up and gets a jawbreaker but Angle with a mid-level stun gun on Eddie’s charge. Angle covers for two. Belly to belly suplex is as good as anyone’s ever done it. Man I really miss Angle. Second belly to belly only gets a two count. Now Angle has a reverse bearhug. Before I go I must point out the irony in this feud that Angle felt like Guerrero’s past dealings with substance abuse went against the integrity of being a champion. How’s that one working out for ya Kurt? Eddie escapes the bearhug with an eye gouge but Angle with another belly to belly suplex for two. Angle posts Eddie on the top ropes and follows but Guerrero knocks him off twice. However, Guerrero goes for the frog splash and misses badly. Angle goes back to work on the midsection. Cole rants about Angle’s hypocrisy. Maybe he’s a visionary. Kurt pounds away with right hands and Guerrero says “BRING IT BITCH!” and that woke up the crowd. Guerrero rallies back with clotheslines, Angle misses on a blind charge and Guerrero with a back suplex for two. Angle with a go behind on another suplex attempt and he gets the german suplex. The second german suplex is countered into a rollup for two but Angle comes right back with a clothesline. Angle Slam is countered into an armdrag. Another clothesline from Guerrero he gets two of the triple vertical suplex but on the third Angle gets the ankle lock on. Guerrero quickly kicks out and catches a charging Angle with a drop kick. Guerrero to the top again but Angle meets him there with the top rope throw suplex for two. Angle pulls down the straps and the anklelock is applied in the middle of the ring. Guerrero counters into a rollup for two but Angle gets another german suplex. Angle goes for another Angle Slam but Eddie counters it into a DDT. Guerrero goes up and hits the frog splash and gets…two??? Oooo crowd didn’t like that. Eddie slowly pulls Guerrero up and just like magic Angle gets the anklelock again but Guerrero counters again and uses leverage to send Angle through the ropes. Eddie looses the straps on his wrestling boot, presumably to get the blood flowing into the ankle. Angle, smelling blood, jumps right back on the hold and gets nothing but boot. Small package by Guerrero gives us a satisfying three count!

(Guerrero def. Angle, pinfall, ****, awesome storytelling with Angle playing possum most of the match and Guerrero finally beating him at his own game.)

Triple Threat Match for World Championship: Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Benoit vs. Triple H

Ross says this is Michaels’ sixth Wrestlemania main event. I’ve got him down with four at that point and five overall. I don’t remember many Chris Benoit-HBK singles matches and if they did exist it might have caused a collective IWC orgasm. This was the first triple threat match for the World Championship. It would not be the last. A big “Let’s go Benoit” chant to start the match. HHH looks awfully heavy in this match – he was listed at 272. That’s way bigger than normal. He must’ve been on a strong cycle. Michaels and Benoit fight over who gets to beat up HHH and try to take each other out in the process and trade nasty chops. Benoit sends Michaels into HHH and the champions goes tumbling through the ropes. In the rings Michaels and Benoit do some cool wrestling stuff and Benoit goes for a crossface but Michaels gets a rollup for two. Benoit with a northern lights suplex for two. Michaels with a clothesline on Benoit and HHH returns to the ring with a clothesline on Michaels. HHH works over both men and toss Michaels over the top, but HBK skins the cat and sends Benoit over the top. In the ring Michaels gives HHH a back body drop and lays in the chops in the corner. HHH comes back with the Harley high knee for two. Benoit tries to come back in the ring but HHH kneelifts Benoit to the floor and follows him outside. HHH works on Benoit’s back but HBK baseball kicks both men and goes to the top and hits the moonsault to the floor. Man he must be feeling it tonight. Michaels rolls HHH in the ring and gets the two count. A couple of chops but Michaels sets too early, however, and HHH gets a kneesmasher but Benoit thwarts the pedigree attempt. Benoit goes to work on Michaels and sends HBK into the ring post shoulder first. Benoit with a snap suplex on HHH and a couple of serious chops. HHH counters a corner whip and sends Benoit into the corner, HHH ties Benoit into the tree of woe and whips Michaels into the prone Benoit shoulder first. HHH gets a near fall on Michaels. A second corner whip is reverses and Benoit sticks up his foot, Michaels rolls up HHH for two. Flying forearm from HBK and a kip up so Benoit recovers and clotheslines Michaels over the two. Benoit with a triple german suplex. And he goes to the top but Michaels posts him before he could go for the swan dive. Michaels cues up the band but HHH ducks sweet chin music and DDTs Michaels. HBK rolls out of the ring and HHH works on Benoit, who is still posted. They improvise a slugfest and finally HHH gets the superplex for a two count. A second cover gets two. A third cover gets two. HHH goes for some ground and pound as the crowd rallies behind Benoit and he fights back. He sets too early, however, and HHH goes for the pedigree but Benoit counters it into the crossface but Michaels makes the save. Michaels goes for the triple german suplex but Benoit counters it after the first one and gets his own triple german on Michaels. Benoit with the top-rope swan dive headbutt and gets two near falls out of it. Benoit and Michaels knock heads and Benoit falls out of the ring. Michaels with the kip up and an inverted atomic drop on HHH. A clothesline and a bodyslam follow than Michaels goes to the top and hits the elbow drop. Crowd is sorta kinda feeling Michaels as he cues up the band and hits sweet chin music flush but Benoit pulls HHH out of the ring after the two count. HBK and Benoit fight on the floor and then bring it back in the ring. Michaels with a couple of serious chops but Benoit reverses a corner whip and sends Michaels upside down. Benoit goes for the sharpshooter but HBK fights it feverishly so Benoit adjusts and catapults Michaels into the ringpost and….holy moly Shawn tapped an artery pretty good. Michaels does his disoriented selling and Benoit goes for the crossface on Michaels. HBK is ready to tap but HHH grabs Michaels’ hand on the way down to stop him from tapping. That’s pretty cool. With the extra second HHH is able to make the save. HHH and Benoit go to the floor and Benoit sends HHH to the steps and roughs him up big time on the outside until HHH reverses an irish whip and sends Benoit into the steps. HHH sets up the Smackdown broadcast table for a spot but Benoit rams his head into WWE Deportes. Benoit goes for a german suplex on the table but HHH fights in and looks for the pedigree and now HBK joins him and we have all three men on the WWE Deportes table. DX does a double suplex on Benoit through the Smackdown table! HBK, bleeding profusely tells HHH to “just bring it”, and they engage in a huge slugfest. Sadly the crowd is into Benoit so they aren’t really popping for it. Michaels reddens HHH’s chest with some chops and sends HHH over the post and into the camera man. Michaels sends HHH into the ring post. I can’t believe how bad Michaels is bleeding. And now HHH joins him in the blood count while Benoit is still motionless by the table. Back in the ring and Michaels lays in the big shots on Michaels but HHH goes downstairs and hits the pedigree. Both men are out. HHH slows makes the cover and out of nowhere Benoit makes the save! HHH and Benoit are up and Benoit comes up with a Canadian violence, HHH goes downstairs for the pedigree but Benoit counters and gets the sharpshooter in the center of the ring. HHH almost gets to the ropes but Benoit drags him back to the center and HBK absolutely nails Benoit with sweet chin music. All three men are down, Michaels covers Benoit and gets a near fall. Crowd chants Benoit as Michaels cues up the band one more time but Benoit ducks it and sends HBK over the top. HHH has a pedigree waiting for Benoit when he turns around but Benoit counters it into the crossface! HHH tries to fight and roll through but Benoit holds on and squeezes for everything he’s got until HHH has no choice but to give up. An amazing, dramatic match with three men giving everything they had.

(Benoit def. HHH & Michaels, submission, *****)

I need a feel good BONUS MATCH~!

U.S. Championship: John Cena vs. The Big Show

This would be the Prototype’s Wrestlemania in-ring debut and Cena breaks it down like the hip hoppopotamus to quickly get the crowd on his side. Big Show uses power but Cena goes for the right hands so Big Show casually tosses him to the floor. Cena tries to shoulder his way back in but Show kneelifts him to the floor. Cena fights back some more with a hangman and he goes to the top but Show catches him on the cross body and hits the powerslam for two. Crowd is seriously into Cena while Show lays in the sick chop. Cena tries to rally again and Show drops him with a clothesline. Easy bodyslam by Show and a foot choke by Show. Delayed vertical suplex by Show, still a move that he does very well when he wants to. He gets a two count for that one. Big headbutt and another nasty chop. Show takes a walk on Cena’s back. He’s giving him absolutely nothing in this match. Crowd tries to rally Cena and he gets a few rights before running into sweet five chins music. Show works on the back with a sit down splash and hits that grapevine leg drop of his for a two count. Crowd gets behind Cena again. Show goes for a press slam and Cena counters it into a sleeper hold but but Show sends Cena into the corner. Short-armed clothesline by Show and a cobra clutch by Show. Nice. Cena tries to fight it out but Show just tosses him to the mat and slaps on the cobra clutch again. Cena fights out again and hits a clothesline to get Show wobbling. Cena gets serious with the slugging; Show reverses an irish whip but hits boots on a blind charge. Cena with the FU on Show and it gets TWO?!?!! Cena looks surprised, like this is a rib or something. Cena decides to grab the chain but the referee stops him so Cena tosses the chain aside and that distracts the official long enough for Cena to grab the knucks and knock Show silly. A second FU gets the three count and we’ve got a new U.S. champion!

(Cena def. Show, pinfall, *1/2, bleh match but great opener if for no other reason than the fact that the crowd was hot for Cena)

Have a great weekend guys. Be careful.

Wrestlemania III

WWF Championship: Andre The Giant vs. Hulk Hogan

From The Pontiac Siliverdome in Detroit, Michigan on March 29, 1987

Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura

This is the biggest match in professional wrestling history. Period. Quick note on the Pontiac Silverdome – it recently sold for $583,000, that’s not a misprint. A multipurpose stadium facility in suburban Michigan that could seat 80K sold for the price of a two-bedroom condo in Manhattan, unbelievable. I miss the motorized carts. They haven’t been around since Wrestlemania VI.

The backstory is simple, yet complex. We hadn’t seen Andre around for a good minute but he reappeared on the scene when Hogan received some trophy for something and said “three years is a long time to be champion” and left it at that. A week later Andre received his trophy and when Hogan came to congratulate him, Andre left. The following week Piper and Ventura got into some debate and guaranteed that the next week they would produce both parties for a sit-down. You see how much more patient the wrestling fan was before the internet and wide spread cable television? Finally four weeks in Andre comes back with Bobby Heenan and throws down the challenge. He even rips off the shirt and the crucifix in the process, bringing Jesus into the booking as well. He would go on a 19-year hiatus and reappeared as part of the Main Event at Backlash I believe. Hogan accepts the challenge and here we are.

We get the biggest face-off in professional wrestling history. Andre’s “7-foot-5” height is hilarious when standing next to Hogan, it’s clear he’s not much more than 6-10 because Hogan is around 6’6. Hogan gets in a few rights and goes for a slam but Andre falls on him and gets a super near fall. Hogan quickly sells the back injury and Andre goes to work with his deliberate offense. The good thing about Andre being so big is that there’s no way Hogan can oversell his blows so some of his drama works perfect in the context of this match. A couple of forearms by Andre and that stomping kneelift drops the champion. Hard body slam and Andre dares him to get up. I have to say Andre was pretty awesome as a heel for a while. Another body slam and he walks right over Hogan’s back. A corner whip by Andre and he doesn’t follow in with any sort of urgency. He whips Hogan to the other corner and lays in the badmouth. YEAH! If only he would have done it in French. Andre shoulders Hogan in the corner and gives him a corner butt splash. Big headbutt and a choke in the corner but Hogan sneaks out of the second headbutt and makes his first comeback. Three right hands and a super duper punch stuns Andre. Axe bomber backs the Giant into the corner and he lays in the chops. Andre takes ten trips into the turnbuckle but Hogan charges and eats a size 22 right of the mouth. Andre slaps on a bearhug as he obviously needs to take a breather. Three minutes later Hogan refuses to submit and fights his way out of the hold. Andre’s selling of the punches is pretty damn funny. Hogan shoulders Andre twice but on the third attempt he gets chopped down. Andre gives Hogan another boot and sends him to the floor, however, Hogan slips out of the way of headbutt and Andre eats post. Hogan exposes the concrete and goes for a piledriver?? What a fucking moron. Of course it doesn’t work. Hogan couldn’t even wrap his arms around Andre’s waist. Back in the ring as Andre looks like he’s about to pass out from exhaustion and gives Hogan the “go home” sign. Hogan ducks a boot and knocks Andre down with a clothesline. Hogan pulls in all the power from his Hulkamaniacs around the world and slams the Giant. And when Hogan drops the big leg in 1987, you ain’t getting up I don’t care who you are.

(Hogan def. Andre, pinfall, *1/4, Given the physical condition of Andre, I think he gave a great effort. Their rematch on national television was much better.)

BONUS MATCH~!

Six-Man Mayhem: The Hart Foundation & Danny Davis vs. The British Bulldogs & Tito Santana

Matilda attacks Jimmy Hart and the faces clean house right away. Back in the ring Santana and Hart go after each other and Santana dumps Hart on his face. Did Santana and Hart ever have a match during this time period, on a Coliseum Video or something? I bet it would have been pretty good. Tags to Davey Boy and Neidhart, the heels go for some cheap shots but DBS knocks them both silly. Quick tag to Dynamite and a headbutt, that’s about all the offense for him tonight. Tag to Santana and the heels quickly take over, but Santana makes the tag to Davey Boy and he gets a back drop on Neidhart. Davis distracts DBS and Neidhart gets a cheap shot but Bret misses the second rope elbow. Tag to Dynamite and he whips Hart into the buckle and hits the diving headbutt. Neidhart with a cheap shot and Hart takes over in the corner. Dynamite tries to battle back but Neidhart cheap shots Dynamite again. Decapitation by the Harts and a tag to Davis, two stomps later and he’s done. Great crowd heat for that. The Harts continue their assault on Kid. Headbutt from Hart and Davis back in with two stomps and he’s done. His cocky strut is rather awesome I must say. Finally the Harts up the ante and go for the slingshot splash with Davis. He hits all knees and Dynamite makes the hot tag to Santana. Oh shit. Santana gives Davis a huge back drop and hits the flying forearm with extra tamale sauce. Santana opts for the ground and pound over the pin and goes for the figure four when the Anvil nails (get it?) him in the back of the head. Hot tag to Davey Boy and he KILLS him with a lariat. Davis rammed into Dynamite’s head. That’s how they won the titles at Wrestlemania 2 y’know? Instead this time it sets up quite possibly the nastiest tombstone piledriver I’ve ever seen. I mean this beating is bordering on attempted murder. High vertical suplex follows and Davis is selling like a champion. Oh this is beautiful. Finally the powerslam is executed. Had Dynamite been healthy I’m guessing they would have pulled out the top-rope superplex or the top-rope flying headbutt. Neidhart breaks up the count but Tito hits him with a flying forearm. It’s complete mayhem and in the process Davis grabs the megaphone and wallops Davey Boy with it for the three count. Hella fun.

(Harts & Davis def. Bulldogs & Santana, pinfall, ****) I love love love love love this match. It’s as good as you’ll get for eight minutes.

Now some of you are going to be mad I'm not doing Rock-Hogan. And because of that I'm willing to cut you a deal. I'll do Rock-Hogan but I will replace another scheduled rant...and you can guess which one that is (here's a hint, it features Chris Benoit). I understand that sounds unfair and a little like a cop out, but it's my project...my rules. We all make tough choices in life. This is one of yours. So it depends on how much you want me to watch Rock-Hogan. Otherwise there's plenty of other Rock and Hogan matches to review.

So let's get this ball rolling!

The Original Wrestlemania

From Madison Square Garden in New York City on March 31, 1985

Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura

Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff vs. Hulk Hogan & Mr. T.

Yes our first Wrestlemania main event was a tag match with no titles on the line. The natural thinking would have been to do a final blowoff Hogan vs. Piper or Hogan vs. Studd match or something, but Vince had already done those matches at MSG and thought outside the box instead. Now we’re at No. 26, so it works for me. I got an original download of this card which means Hogan and T’s “Eye of the Tiger” entrance is kept in full form. It makes a major difference because the pop is amazing. Muhammad Ali and Pat Patterson are the referees. Patterson is on the inside to keep this sucker together and Ali on the outside because…he’s friggin Muhammad Ali. Liberace is going to ring the damn bell and probably make eyes at Patterson.

Hogan and Orndorff start us off. Actually they both tag out. The crowd heat for this match is unparallel. Piper and T share slaps and Piper with a kick to the guy and a take down. They do a little wrestling sequence and T escapes. Crowd is chanting “T” like he’s The Rock. Seriously he could have done this more frequently and made a shitload of money. T with a fireman’s carry drop and its MAYHEM as everyone including Ali, Bob Orton and Superfly Snuka are in the ring. Ali clocks Piper and sends him to the floor. The heels take a walk but eventually think better of it. All four men back in the ring and the faces clean house. Hogan with a corner clothesline and an atomic drop on Hot Rod. Hogan and Piper rake each other’s eyes. Tag to T and a double clotheline. Body slam on Piper and Mr. T hip tosses Orndorff, another slam for Piper. A headbutt on Orndorff. T rams Piper’s head into Hogan’s knee and a tag to Hogan. Big boot sends Piper over the top rope and gives time for Orndorff to cheap shot Hogan and send him to the floor. Piper with a chair shot on Hogan. Back in the ring and Piper goes to his wide array of cheap heel tactics. The heels absolutely assault Hogan in their corner (with Orton joining in on the fun). Double atomic drop and Orndorff adds a knee drop. Ali keeps jumping in and out of the ring. Vertical suplex by Orndorff is really well done. Tag to Piper and a kneelift sends Hogan down for a two count. Another tag to Orndorff, who comes in with a top-rope standing elbow, for another near fall. Backbreaker by Orndorff and he goes to the top again but the flying knee misses. Hot tag to T but the heels quickly take control of him. They can’t really execute any wrestling moves on him, so the whole strategy is just to keep him from tagging Hogan. Piper back in but he can’t stop T from making the tag. Hogan dispatches of both the heels for a second but a back suplex by Orndorff turns the tide again. Orton tries to interfere but Snuka catches him with a headbutt. More mayhem, and in the process Orton comes off the top rope and accidentally nails Orndorff with the cast which allows Hogan to get the three count. Too much fun.

(Mr. T/Hogan def. Piper/Orndorff, pinfall, ***) Post match sees Piper clock Patterson and leave with Orton while Orndorff is laid out. Oddly enough T helps Orndorff to his feet and it led to an eventual turn. I really liked this match, I haven’t seen it in about a dozen years and it was just what it needed to be – a crazy brawl with no rest periods.

Hey Scott,

I've enjoyed re-reading your Rumble rants. I had forgotten how much I hated the '99 Rumble until revisiting it. Thanks!

Anyway, this week the Cru Jones Society is dedicated to professional wrestling. We've got wrestling themed articles all week, and I especially enjoyed writing today's offering: 5 Pro Wrestling Matches Even Non-Fans will enjoy.

http://crujonessociety.com/2010/01/26/5-pro-wrestling-matches-even-non-fans-will-enjoy/

Each match was chosen for a different reason, and I'm interested in your take. I realize trying to get someone who's already made up their mind that wrestling is stupid to change their mind is largely a pointless exercise, but this was fun to write anyway. If you feel so inclined, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my choices.

Also, if you feel like giving this a plug, we'd always appreciate it. Otherwise, hope all is well with you and thanks again for the re-posts.

E Dagger

http://crujonessociety.com

Definitely an interesting list, although I find that non-fans are non-fans for a reason.  Royal Rumbles tend to be really good at sucking people in, and I also found that old school ECW attracted curious eyes as well among casual viewers.  I think Hogan-Savage from WM5 is a better choice than Flair-Savage, though, because it’s a similar storyline (in reverse) and the players are big and cartoonish enough that you don’t have to be a wrestling nerd to “get it”.  Or even one of their older, shorter MSG matches where Savage is arrogant super-heel and Hogan is super-face. 

- Live from Detroit, MI

- Your hosts are Cole, JR, Tazz, King, Grisham and Matt Striker.

ECW World title: Jack Swagger v. Matt Hardy

I don't think I've even seen Swagger wrestle before. Swagger ducks into the ropes to start, and Matt slugs him out of the ring for the brawl. Back in, Matt with a clothesline, but Swagger ducks out again. Back in, he starts working on Matt's arm with a nice takedown into a hammerlock, but Matt escapes and gets a low dropkick into the corner. He follows with a bulldog for two and goes up, but Swagger dumps him out. Back in, Swagger with a shoulderblock for two. Swagger goes back to the arm in the corner, but Hardy slugs him down to escape, until Swagger hits the arm to block a clothesline. Hey, nice move. That gets two. Swagger cranks on a standing armbar, but Matt fights up and clotheslines him into a neckbreaker for two. Matt with a corner clothesline into a one-armed bulldog for two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Matt sets up for the Side Effect, but Swagger reverses to a belly to belly suplex for two. They fight for a suplex, but Matt's arm gives out and Swagger takes him down with an armbar takedown for two. To the top as Swagger sets up for a hammerlock slam off the top, but Matt puts him down and hits a moonsault for two. Matt tries the Side Effect again, but Swagger simply tosses him into the post to counter, and finishes with a powerbomb at 10:28. Real good stuff, with Matt fighting through the arm injury and selling it CONSISTENTLY, and the fantastic commentary of Matt Striker really putting it over. ***1/4

WWE Women's title: Beth Phoenix v. Melina

I just don't buy Melina as the smiling babyface. Why not finally bring in Gail Kim if they need a new opponent for Beth? Hasn't she been signed for months now? Beth overpowers her to start and swings her around like the proverbial ragdoll, but Melina slugs out and dropkicks Beth. Beth tries a tilt-a-whirl slam, but Melina reverses to an armbar. Beth tosses her into the corner to break, but Melina tries a victory roll and Beth has to power out of that, too. Beth goes to a legbar that shows off the incredible flexibility of Melina, as Beth literally beats on Melina with her own foot! That's like one of those Jack Evans spots. Sideslam gets two. She tries a gorilla press, but Melina slips out (and they mess up the spot) to make the comeback. They screw up the timing again as Melina gets a sunset flip after one try at it, and she makes the comeback with a faceplant for two. Cannonball off the top sets up an inverted DDT, but Beth ducks out and Melina responds with a rollup for the pin and the title. This was watchable with one notable spot, but they blew quite a bit of stuff and it was mostly an extended Phoenix squash with a fluke ending. *1/2

RAW World title: John Cena v. JBL

So before the match, JBL tells Shawn that should he win the title here, then Shawn is out of his service and will be in the Royal Rumble match as well. I think they're really, really tempted to run Shawn v. JBL for the title at Wrestlemania, but I just don't know if JBL can deliver that kind of match. Cena takes him down with a headlock to start and JBL reverses to his own as the duelling chants for/against Cena start already. Cena with a shoulderblock for two and JBL bails for some advice from Shawn. JBL slugs away in the corner, but Cena hits him with the neckbreaker formerly known as the Throwback for two. JBL runs out again and Cena chases, allowing JBL to clobber him from behind and introduce him to the stairs. Back in, that gets two. Short arm clothesline gets two. JBL drops his sloppy elbows for two. Chinlock time, and JBL follows that with a sideslam for two and then shoulderblocks him off the apron. Into the stairs again for two. JBL puts Cena on top and slugs away, but Cena puts him down and follows with the top rope legdrop for two. Cena charges and hits boot, but he tackles JBL to block the Clothesline From Hell, then makes the comeback. Backdrop suplex and five-knuckle shuffle set up the FU, but JBL slugs out, so Cena takes him down for the STF. No more U. Shawn distracts Cena and allows JBL to escape by pulling the rope down, and the Clothesline from Hell gets two. JBL and Shawn have a long, unspoken Beecher-Schillinger thing, but the ref is bumped and everyone's out. So now it's time for the moral choice by Shawn, as he comes into the ring and superkicks...JBL. Then just as the crowd gets back on Shawn's side, he hits Cena with one as well. Choice apparently made, he puts JBL on top and leaves. Alas, it only gets two. Cena hits the FU to finish at 15:29. The whole boring match was just a backdrop for the Shawn's Choice angle and that was the only time it had any heat. And for those expecting a payoff here, think again. **

Smackdown World title: Jeff Hardy v. Edge

Jeff runs Edge into the turnbuckles to start as the crowd chants "We want Christian", apparently more hip to the room than the WWE would like. Jeff grabs a chair since it's no-DQ, but Edge kicks it away from him. Jeff with a low dropkick for two, but Edge whips him out of the ring. Jeff lands on his feet and slides back in to deke Edge out, then hits him with a dive off the apron. Chavo distracts Jeff long enough for Edge to boot him off the apron, and he follows with a baseball slide. Brawl on the floor and Hardy goes into the railing before they head back in. Edge gets two, and a distinct face pop. He punts Jeff in the ribs and shoulderblocks him into the corner, but Jeff comes back with a sunset flip for two. Edge puts him down again with a clothesline for two. He holds a bearhug on the mat, but Jeff fights out with a mule kick and goes up. Bodypress is blocked by an Edge dropkick, and that gets two. They fight to the apron and Jeff gets a Twist of Fate, catching Edge's neck on the ropes. That could have been ugly. Jeff puts him on the table and finds a ladder, but Chavo interferes and prevents anything from happening there. Plus he earns himself a swanton through the table in Edge's place, but really that's his job. Back in, Jeff hits Edge with a high cross for two. Edge comes back with a big boot and undoes the turnbuckle, but Jeff hits him with the Whisper in the Wind for two. Twist of Fate looks to follow, but Edge reverses to a DDT for two. Edge goes up, but Jeff boots him on the way down and cradles for two. Front suplex and he goes up, but Edge rolls away and then suckers Jeff into the corner for a shot into the STEEL turnbuckle that gets two. He sets up for the spear, but Jeff does a SWANK reversal into the Twist of Fate...but Vicki pulls him down from the top. He goes up again and gets the swanton, but now Vicki pulls out the ref. And now the twist, as Matt Hardy comes out to even things up...and turns on Jeff again, revealing himself to be the evil mastermind. You'd think Jeff would have learned his lesson the first time. MATT HARDY VERSION 2! Edge wins the title back at 19:28. Good, I'm tired of babyface Matt, and there hasn't been a really good heel turn in a while. Slow start with a hot finish and a big turn at the end makes for good TV. And there's no ironic detachment from the crowd, because Hardy's fans are all 14 year old girls who wouldn't have seen this 100 times already and thus buy into it completely. But where's Christian? ***1/2

Royal Rumble match

Rey Mysterio draws #1 and John Morrison gets #2. Rey throws kicks, but Morrison dumps him on the bulldog attempt and Rey has to use fancy footwork to stay in. Nice spot. Rey springboards back in and takes him down with the tilt-a-whirl headscissors, but Morrison also hangs onto the ropes and won't go out. Carlito is #3 and he attacks both guys, catching Rey's moonsault press and turning it into a neckbreaker. Double jump moonsault on Morrison follows, but John hits him with a running knee and chokes out Rey. The time count is about 15 seconds slow tonight, if you care. MVP is #4 and he gets a face pop and powerslams Morrison, but gets nailed by Carlito. He hits Morrison with the Drive-By, but Rey takes him down with a headscissors. Great Khali is #5 as the intervals are getting pretty liberal. Khali wallops all the little people and no-sells all their offense, and with everyone out Vladimir Kozlov is #6. Kozlov quickly dumps him in the fakest looking elimination you'll ever see, and then pounds MVP and disposes of him as well. That doesn't go over well. Carlito goes to the apron but not out, so Kozlov tosses him for real.

HHH is #7 to save us from the suck and he slugs it out with Kozlov, but goes down from the headbutt. Kozlov puts his head down, however, and a facecrusher and crotch chop puts him out. Morrison goes after HHH and eats a high knee as a result, but Randy Orton is #8. He trades with HHH and gets the neckbreaker and slithers around like a slithering slithery slitherer, but Morrison takes him down with the knee, only to fall victim to a 619. So everyone's out now. JTG is #9 (after winning a coin clip) and goes after HHH, which proves ineffective. Orton tries to power Rey out, meanwhile, but he clings onto the ropes. Now the 90 second intervals are really getting short, as Ted Dibiase is already #10. Morrison and JTG team up against him and then turn on each other, so Dibiase dumps them both and they hang on the ropes kicking at each other before coming back in. Very cool. Same deal with Rey and Dibiase on the other side of the ring. Rey baseball slides Dibiase in the nuts and Chris Jericho is #11. He's right after Randy Orton with no luck, then hits HHH with a bulldog as they reverse each other's finishers. HHH dumps him, but Jericho hangs on and Mike Knox is #12 to really change the complexion of the match. Or not. He lays a couple of guys out and then it settles back into the usual punching and kicking on the ropes.

The Miz is #13 and he gets his token offense, but the match is filling up with too much deadwood again. The tag champs double-team Orton, but Miz misses a charge and hits the corner, resulting in a pair of RKOs for the champs and then one for JTG as well. HHH stops that rampage with KICK WHAM PEDIGREE and then tosses Miz and Morrison by himself (BOO!). Then the best one-off Rumble spot I've ever seen sees Rey getting tossed, but he lands on Miz and then uses Morrison as a step to get back in again without touching the ground. Awesome. Finlay is #14 and goes after Jericho to no avail before settling on stomping random guys instead. Cody Rhodes is #15 as we're halfway through with only 22 minutes elapsed. The Legacy teams up on Finlay and then beats up Knox, as Rey springboards right into an RKO. That'll teach him to fly around in a match like this. Undertaker is in surprisingly early at #16, and this should thin out the herd. Everyone stops and goes after him, but JTG is the first victim. Snake Eyes for Cody and he eats a boot, and Goldust is #17. C'mon, we need the obvious matchup here. And indeed, Cody goes after him and gets slugged down, but Goldust dumps him to the apron and not out. A backdrop puts him back to the apron, but again not out. An RKO ends the Goldust rampage,however, and Orton allows Cody the honor of tossing his big brother out. There's a lot of family issues tonight.

CM Punk is #18 and he goes crazy with the kicks and knees, and HHH Goes 2 Sleep. Undertaker puts him down with a big boot, however. Mark Henry is #19 ad he puts Undertaker down with a clothesline, and the ring is getting way too full again. Powerslam for HHH, but he can't toss Punk out. Shelton Benjamin is #20 and that's going nowhere. Jericho and Punk are dumb enough to fight on the top rope, and Benjamin brings them both down with a double Downward Spiral. HHH tosses Punk and he still won't go out, and William Regal is #21. He goes right for Punk with a badass series of knees and a running knee to the head as Mark Henry was eliminated off-screen by Rey. Kofi Kingston is #22 and this ring needs clearing out in the worst way. And again, he gets his flurry of offense and then runs out of gas while everyone is punching and kicking on the ropes. Undertaker tosses Benjamin with little fanfare, and Kane is #23. OK, please put some guys out now. Kane and Undertaker have their faceoff and then decide to buck the trend tonight by working together, chokeslamming a variety of people. Punk gets a hard-working elimination of Regal, and R-Truth is #24. Yay, more deadwood.

Everyone just kind of stops as the match grinds to a halt with nothing happening, and Rob Van Dam is a surprise entrant at #25, fresh off Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. Crowd goes nuts for that and he kicks everything in sight, but overshoots the frog splash and can't hit Truth with it. The Brian Kendrick is #26 and manages to push Kofi out before HHH gets rid of him as you'd expect. Dolph Ziggler is #27 as another comedy entrant, and he introduces himself to Kane and gets tossed. I don't know why they waste slots on dumb comedy bits like that. And speaking of which, Santino is #28 and out before he can even get in, again via Kane. So that breaks the venerated Warlord record. But seriously, someone of use needs to be eliminated here before we run out of entrants. I think we're out of comedy guys, but then it's Jim Duggan at #29. Unless they've got a major surprise prepped, it seems a pretty clear cut win for Randy Orton here given who's left. Another whole lot of nothing for the last interval, and #30 goes to Big Show. So no real big shocks here. So it's pretty much a 14-man battle royale now.

As you'd expect, everyone goes after him, but he fights them off and dumps Duggan. Jericho tries a sleeper while Undertaker tosses Punk to no avail. Show presses Truth out of there long after he should have been gone. Punk still won't go out and throws kicks at the Show, but Show finally just knocks him out on the apron and he's gone. Rey and Knox put themselves both out off-screen, and Hornswaggle runs in to save Finlay from Kane, but to no avail as he goes out via a backdrop anyway. So Rey doesn't match his own record, only going about 50 minutes. Show pounds on RVD in the corner while Orton DDTs HHH on the ropes, and we get another Show-Undertaker battle. RVD hits Orton with the frog splash, but sells it too much and Jericho tosses him. Jericho follows with the Codebreaker on Undertaker, but charges at him and goes out as well. The Legacy teams up on Kane and gets rid of him, leaving us with HHH, Show, Taker and the Legacy. The Legacy goes after Undertaker while Show chokeslams HHH, but Taker comes back and chokeslams them all. So it's back to the Show-UT dullness again and they slug it out until Taker clotheslines him. Big boot looks to put Show out, but he actually hangs on. Randy tries to sneak in with the RKO, but Taker blocks and ends up on the apron with Show. Orton puts Show on the floor, and Show drags Taker down with him and I guess that feud is on again.

Final Four: Cody Rhodes, Randy Orton, Ted Dibiase and HHH. They all attack HHH and Orton just pounds the hell out of him, but Orton talks too much and HHH counters the RKO. He takes down Dibiase and Rhodes and tosses them, but Orton tosses HHH at 58:38 to win his first Rumble. Well considering the entire promotion is centered around making him look like a bigger star than Jesus right now, it's not a huge shock win. Good hot start with some inventive spots, but it just got so incredibly bogged down in the middle and never recovered, leaving us with the predictable finish. Definitely a mid-level entry. *** This would be the first time since Vince in 1999 that a heel has won the thing.

The Pulse:

A good show, but definitely felt like a letdown given what was expected from the Rumble match. Hardy v. Edge is well worth checking out, the rest is take it or leave it. Thumbs in the middle.

- Live from Anaheim, California, home of Ducks and stuff.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch and Jerry Lawler.

- Opening match: Big Bossman v. Road Dogg. Jammes was Hardcore champion at this point, having beaten Bossman for the title a week or so prior. Bossman and Shamrock were the tag champs, and would lose the titles to Jarrett & Hart the next night. This is NOT a hardcore match, and I have absolutely no idea why that is, since it’s guaranteed to suck without the benefit of bloodshed and/or weapons. Stall session to start. Bossman controls with his lumbering power stuff, but Dogg bails and posts Bossman. They fight on the floor for a bit, which gives Bossman the advantage, although why a punch on the floor has more effect than one in the ring escapes me for the moment. So that situation drags on for a while, giving me a chance to enjoy my dinner. Bossman goes aerial but it backfires and Dogg comes back. Shake Rattle N Roll, flying forearm, and Crazy Legs kneedrop get two, but Bossman catches him coming off the ropes with the Bossman Slam and gets the pin at 11:50, which was a pretty stupid and pointless result. ½*

- Intercontinental title: Ken Shamrock v. Billy Gunn. Conventional wisdom, fan sentiment and common horse-sense said that Gunn should go over here. Gunn starts resting early. Mr. Ass misses a blind charge and Ken kicks his ass, quite literally in fact. Ken works the back, killing the crowd. Billy hits a fluke fame-asser, but it wasn’t established as a finisher then so it gets two. As a word of clarification for a couple of people who took me to task for labeling a similar move done by Kanyon on Thunder last week as a “fame-asser” when Kanyon has his own name for it…well, basically, the move was invented by Marty Jannetty, so the “proper” name for the move is Rocker Dropper, but with Jannetty’s fall from stardom, Gunn’s name for the move has become the accepted norm because the WWF reaches X number of people each week, while WCW only reaches X/3 people. With ratings success comes the privelage of having moves named after you. Anyway, they brawl to the floor, where Shamrock takes control. One decent spot here as Gunn rams Shamrock into the table, leaping from the apron with Shamrock in tow to do so. Back in, where Shamrock gets a quick legsweep and begins destroying Gunn’s already-injured ankle. I really liked Robo-Shamrock, and it was a shame that the WWF turned him face again for that stupid Undertaker feud. I can always take solace in knowing that Shamrock will get soundly booed out of whatever Canadian city he visits for the rest of his career. Don’t ask me why, but the guy is just absolutely hated in Canada. Cole says that he doesn’t recall Gunn ever submitting before, which is a stupid thing to say, even by Cole’s admittedly low standards as a Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch. Shamrock and Bossman won the tag titles from the Outlaws less than a month before this, and how did they do it? When Shamrock made Gunn submit to the anklelock. And who was calling the match? Michael Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch. And don’t give that “referee stopped the match” crap – if your hand drops three times, that counts as submitting. So anyway, the ref is bumped here and Val Venis does the requisite run-in and DDTs Shamrock, which gives Gunn a two-count. Gunn mounts the big comeback, and suddenly his ridiculously woeful offense is exposed, as all he can muster for big moves is a bunch of punches and a running elbow. No wonder the putz didn’t get over. He decides to go aerial, but misses and lands on his ankle, and to quote Herb Kunze, “everybody with at least a two-digit IQ could see the finish coming” (which basically eliminates most of WCW’s booking committee and Michael Cole, the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch) as Shamrock hit the anklelock and Billy says “uncle” like his bitch at 14:18. Way too long at 14:18 given that one guy has basically four moves (one of which is mooning the crowd) and the other is best known for fights lasting 40 seconds. Still, some decent stuff buried in the boredom. * Gunn never recovered from the loss, which was reportedly (by Wade Keller, so take it with several spoonfuls of salt) due to him partying all night and arriving late. Now if only WCW would take the same approach with it’s own upper card.

- WWF the Music: Volume 3 ad. Was it only a year ago?

- European title: X-Pac v. Gangrel. Gangrel really hadn’t done anything notable enough to warrant a title shot, aside from leaching off Edge’s heat. The title wasn’t quite entirely worthless at this point. Sign in crowd: “Gangrel Fears Count Chocula”. No one ever went broke underestimating Generation X’s penchant for idiotic nostalgia, that’s for sure. Hell, I still drag myself out of bed at ridiculous hours to watch Knight Rider reruns on KTLA and listen to “Frampton Comes Alive” on occasion, so I’m hardly one to talk. Fast-paced start with X-Pac hitting a backdrop suplex and kick combo, but a blind charges misses and Gangrel gets a double underhook belly-to-belly for two. He controls for a bit, but X-Pac comes back with two spinning kicks for two, and the Broncobuster. He comes off the top, and Gangrel catches him and rolls through…for the pin? Nope, Teddy Long just fucked up badly, and the crowd lets him know about it. X-Factor finishes it for real at 5:51. Spotty, but it had it’s moments. Now, if they had given 5 minutes from the I-C title match to this, everyone would be hapy. **1/4

- Women’s title: Sable v. Luna. Luna injured Sable on Heat, so Shane tells Sable to come out and forfeit the title. This was during the Shane-Sable mini-feud that ended up going nowhere like 78% of the forgettable angles launched by Vince Russo during this period, including the Goldust v. Al Snow feud over Head, the JOB Squad v. Brood feud, and the LOD2000 drug pusher feud. Sable, talented actress that she is, comes out with a hand on her lower back to stress that she has a back injury. Well, that puts her one up on Rock in the selling department, at least. This is a strap match, which is quite possibly the dumbest stipulation ever to be invented and then used on a regular basis. Why? Because dragging someone to all four corners is a pretty arbitrary way to end a match (why not just have a tongue-twister match and have the winner be the first one to say “Rubber baby buggy bumpers” 10 times fast? It makes the same amount of sense). I mean, the basic idea is SUPPOSED to be that you beat your opponent badly enough to physically drag them from pillar to post and touch all four corners, but now no one wants to job that way so we always get the only finish anyone ever seems to book for these things: One person touches three while the other person sneaks up behind and touches after them, then they fight over the fourth and the winner of that struggle wins the match. The only strap match in the last 10 years with the “touch all four” stip that has ended differently was Sting v. Vader from 1993, and not coincidentally that was the only GOOD strap match in the last 10 years as well. This one, needless to say, is in no position to challenge that. Luna works in some psychology, damaging Sable’s back further, but of course we get the usual ending, with some Vinnie Roo Run-Ins added in for effect, as Shane distracts the referee, which allows Tori to come from the audience (still in psycho stalker mode) and deck Luna, giving Sable the win at 4:41 to retain. Great, so we have two run-ins booked and they can’t even be bothered to use some originality in the ending. Here’s a hint for future bookers: No one after 1985 has ever bought a ticket to a show or a PPV on the promise of seeing a strap match, and that trend is not likely to change in the future, so please don’t ever book another one again, thank you. Anyway, it was certainly not the worst Sable match ever, and indeed the women’s “matches” in the months following have gone on to make this one look like Flair-Steamboat by comparison. ¾*

- WWF title: Mankind v. The Rock. Rock’s sideburns were seriously out of control at this point. I hear they started demanding appearance fees, so Vince McMahon fired them and WCW promptly signed them to a $100,000 per year guaranteed contract and put them on Lash LeRoux, with promises of winning the TV title later in the year. A lawsuit over merchandising rights may or may not be pending. Mick hammers on Rock quickly, nailing him with the microphone as Rock tells him that he can kiss his ass. Cactus clothesline takes us to the floor, where Mick eats stairs. Rock stops to do some commentary and Mick cracks a chair over his head. Back in for a double-arm DDT and the Mandible Sock. Rock is out and can’t submit. He tosses Rock out and they fight back into the crowd. Rock powerslams Foley back to ringside to come back. He debuts the bell-ringing spot (Place bell on head, hit with hammer) and tries Rock Bottom on the Spanish table, but the thing collapses before the move can hit. Rock goes for the EVIAN SPEW OF DEATH, but that just wakes Mick up. Must have been that new caffeinated water. And while I’m on the subject, who the hell thought of that one? I mean, christ, just get a damn cup of coffee if you need a caffeine hit so bad. Or a can of Jolt Cola. The concept of paying for something that covers 75% of the earth and everyone on it is stupid enough as it is, but to further add insult to injury by pumping caffeine into it is more than I can take. You just KNOW it was a 30-something, Kenny G-listening, suit-wearing, stock broker scumbag yuppie wannabe who thought this one up, and probably Nicorette gum, too, just to represent every segment of the population who’s in denial about their own ability to function as a normal human being without a medical excuse for their own neuroses. Wouldn’t surprise me if it was Crystal Pepsi with the carbonation removed and a new label put on it, too. I mean, hell, if the kind of ingenuity that went into convincing the public that they REALLY need to spend money on bottled water and nicotine-laced gum were to be put into something USEFUL, then maybe we wouldn’t be so far away from a cure for cancer or even some of the piddling diseases that kill millions in third world countries. Anyway, I’m ranting again…back to the match.

- They brawl down the aisle, where Rock gets a DDT on the concrete. Rock finds a ladder, but takes it in the mouth. Mick drops an elbow onto the ladder, but gets the worst of it. The crowd reminds Rocky that, in case he forgot, he indeed sucks. Contrived spot follows as they climb the ladder to the balcony, and Mick ends up diving into a gimmicked electrical bank, and sparks fly. The lights go out for effect and Michael Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch does his best Jim Ross impersonation as he declares Foley electricuted and possibly dead. It’s just Foley being a showoff, Michael, you don’t have to act like it’s a momentous occasion, because it only encourages him and it detracts from the truly emotional part of the match later on. Shane comes out to plead for mercy from the Rock, but no go. Rock drags Mick back to the ring as Michael keeps yelling “Why won’t he ask him if he quits?” Gee, Michael, you Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch, maybe it’s because Rock knows, just like everyone else in the audience, that Foley won’t ever say “I Quit”, which was kind of the point of the huge video package before the match which highlighted Foley saying over and over how he’d never, ever say “I Quit” unless he was dead, and which was also, by no small coincidence, the point of the very ending of the match itself. Maybe Cole is just jealous that his color commentator gets hotter chicks than he does or something. Rock finds some handcuffs and cuffs Mick, and the really sick part begins. Foley kicks and bites as best he can to survive, but Rock hits a clothesline and then grabs a chair. He puts it over Foley’s face and drops the Corporate Elbow, which Michael Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch declares may have “smashed his skull in”. Yes, Michael, I’m sure that dropping an elbow on a chair is enough to generate the necessary pressure needed to crush a man’s skull, of course. Now, I’m all for announcers getting into the match, but sometimes a LITTLE professional detachment and/or ESPN-ish irony is needed to keep from wrecking the really nasty stuff later in the match. And nasty stuff follows, because Foley won’t quit, so Rock just absolutely bashes his head in with two chairshots. Mick won’t quit. Three more, and the crowd is growing noticeably squeamish. Foley rolls out to the floor for sanctuary, but Rock follows and delivers three more. Foley won’t quit. NOW Cole’s hyperbole is apropos, and of course now he has nothing left because he fired all the shots in his Interjection Six-Shooter earlier in the match. Premature interjection is always a tragic thing among young males. Foley staggers down the aisle, and Rock nails him from behind with an absolutely sickening shot to the back of the head that knocks him clean out. Rock sticks the mike in his face, and someone (the same guy who raised the briefcase, hit Austin with a cinderblock and then ran him over at Survivor Series) plays a tape of Foley screaming “I Quit!” from Heat, and Rock wins the WWF title back at 21:44. Knowing the condition that Foley ended up in after this match was over, this was pretty scary to watch again. ***1/2

- Royal Rumble match: Austin of course has #1 from a rigged drawing the week previous, and Vince has #2. Intervals are 90 seconds this year, give or take depending on what drugs the person doing the timing is taking over the course of the night. As an addendum, whoever can toss Austin gets a $100,000 bonus from Mr. McMahon. Austin murders Vince to start. He opts not to toss him, because to do so would indicate a desire to win the match, and according to Vince Russo winning and losing means nothing anymore, so instead he opts to deliver more punishment and continue the oh-so-brilliant and oh-so-well-written storyline for the match. This year’s Rumble entrants are basically divided into two tiers: The jobbers and the stars. It’s pretty easy to divine the pecking order in the WWF at that point by noting who comes in #3-#16 and who comes in #18-#30. This alone makes the Rumble incredibly lopsided in terms of believability of those involved. Golga is #3 (see what I mean?), allowing Vince to sneak away into the crowd. Austin quickly tosses Golga, and then chases Vince into the crowd. In any other Rumble, both guys would be eliminated for leaving for that amount of time, but Vince Russo is writing this one, so they return later. MUCH later. Deus Ex Machina: They want to have Vince enter at #2 and be there in the end without actually remaining in the match the whole time, so the rules of the match are re-written to suit the storyline, rather than the other way around. Vince McMahon could just as easily have been thrown out right away, and then returned to help another Corporate member (say, Shamrock, for instance) win the thing later on. That would have accomplished exactly the same result, without the idiotic, retrofitted, “Oh, you didn’t read the fine print” nonsense that followed the next night (Vince Russo used “You didn’t read the fine print” as a way to retroactively change his booking decisions about 4 times off the top of my head, three of which with Commisioner Michaels and one with Vince’s un-retirement. Ironically, Russo thought he’d have total control in WCW, but guess what? He didn’t read the fine print, either). There was absolutely no justifiable reason for Vince to be there at the end, let alone what ended up happening. Droz is #4 with no one in the ring to fight. See, now why did Golga have to be eliminated there? That’s 90 seconds of dead air-time that could have been used for wrestling. We cut to the back as Austin is beat up by the Corporation. Edge is #5. Gillberg is #6, and he gets eliminated right after his whole entrance. Steve Blackman is #7. What star power here, eh? Michael Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch calls him a “young superstar”, even though Blackman is probably 10 years older than him. Meanwhile, Ausitn is being carried out on a stretcher. Dan Severn is #9. FEEL THE ELECTRICITY! Although if Severn had ¼ of the charisma that Kurt Angle has, they could have given him that gimmick and gotten him over. Meanwhile, Austin is loaded into an ambulance. Tiger Ali Singh is #9. We cut to an exciting shot of an ambulance driving away to really hammer the point home. Yes, Virginia, people actually paid $30 to see an ambulance drive away. It’s SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT, BAY-BEE! The match is jobber hell right now, and the crowd is gone. Cole the Little Goatee-Wearing Bitch notes that Edge and Droz have been in a long time. Shit, is he THAT hard up for things to talk about that he has to call two guys being in there for a whole six minutes “being in the ring a long time”? Watch some fucking Gordon Solie tapes for once in your pathetic life, Cole, and learn the fine art of when to shut up. Blue Meanie is #10. Mosh is #11, but Mabel beats him up and takes his place. He dumps Severn, Blackman and Singh. He’s still fat, and he’s still not over. Road Dogg is #12. Mabel dumps Meanie. Still fat, still not over. Dogg backdrops Edge out. More stupidity follows as the lights go out and the match stops while the Acolytes kidnap Mabel and bring him to Undertaker for re-programming as Viscera. By the way, he’s still fat, and he’s still not over. Dogg is left alone, which is Dead Space #2 in this match. Gangrel is, fittingly, #13. Dogg gets rid of him. Kurrgan is #14 and destroys Road Dogg. Al Snow is #15. He climbs the ropes to get leverage while trying to force Kurrgan out, so Dogg casually pushes him out. Goldust is #16. Godfather is #17. The crowd wants hos. Kane is #18 as we finally break the Jobber Barrier. He’s in a bad mood, too, so goodbye Dogg, take a seat Kurrgan, see ya Godfather and arrivederci Goldust. But now the mental hospital workers charge the ring and go after Kane, so he eliminates himself and leaves through the crowd. I guess only Austin and Vince get to go THROUGH the ropes so they can do that and then come back later. So we get another few minutes of Dead Space, as Shamrock is #19 and has nothing to do. Vince returns to do color commentary, thus making a total mockery of the match in one fell swoop. Billy Gunn is #20, still selling the injury. Shamrock beats the hell out of him. Test is #21 with really bad music. We cut outside as Mabel is being loaded into a hearse, and very conveniently Austin has managed to hijack the ambulance and return it to the arena AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Next time I get beaten unconscious by 5 thugs, remind me to get THAT ambulance to treat me. Bossman is #22 as Austin returns to the match 30 minutes after leaving the first time. Austin backdrops Shamrock out. HHH is #23 as the star power rises. Speaking of rising, Val Venis is #24. Austin kicks Gunn in the ankle and tosses him. X-Pac is #25. Everyone keeps going after Austin for the money. Mark Henry is #26. Jeff Jarrett is #27. Too many people in there right now. D-Lo Brown is #28, and as if hearing me rant, Austin disposes of Test and X-Pac in succession to clear things out a bit. Owen Hart is #29. HHH rids us of Jarrett. Owen & D-Lo double-team Austin. Chyna is #30, and she gets rid of Henry right away, but showboats and gets dumped by Austin. HHH dumps Val. Austin waits until he turns around, then hits the Stunner and tosses him. D-Lo gets the Lo-Down on Austin and works him over pretty good. Owen gives it a try, but charges Austin and goes bye-bye.

- Final Four: Big Bossman, Steve Austin, D-Lo Brown & Vince McMahon. D-Lo showboats after taking Austin down, and Bossman dumps him easily. Bam, Stunner, good-bye Bossman. That leaves Vince at ringside, so Austin beats the hell out of him and drags him in. Vince hits a desperation low blow, but takes the Stunner. And heeeeeeeeeere’s Rocky. Austin stops to yell at him, acting like a total idiot and breaking character, which allows Vince the chance to sneak up from behind and win the Royal Rumble at 56:34. God bless Vince Russo. The first 40 minutes were so bad with all the Dead Space and jobbers that nothing could have saved this one. **, which makes it the worst Rumble ever.

The Bottom Line: The WWF produced two HUGE stinkeroos in 1999 with this show and King of the Ring, and it’s not hard to see why – wrong people getting pushed, moronic storylines, boring matches, and completely unbelieveable (as in NOT BELIEVEABLE) twists in the storyline in order to produce “shock TV” and keep viewers hooked. Hopefully Vince McMahon learned from the mistakes of Russo, and won’t repeat them this year.

Strong recommendation to avoid.