August 8, 2010

The Impact Extreme Zone - Orlando, Florida

-  Due to a back injury, Jerry Lynn has checked out of tonight's main event.  Sabu has checked himself in.  But you already knew that.  LET'S GET EXTREME (version 2.0)!!!

-  We begin with a video package of EV 2.0 stars talking about how tough they used to be.  "This is Hardcore Justice and this is our last stand!".

-  We begin Hardcore Justice in an all black rope ring.  ECW Announcer Stephen DeAngellis introduces Taz out to the Impact Zone to a huge pop.  Taz promises things will get real extreme, tonight.  Crowd is chanting E C DUB real loud.  Taz talks about how people down-graded ECW.  He calls ECW the "true renegades of the industry".  His message to the doubters:  "You never will get it.  So kiss my ass!".  He says all his old slug lines and heads to the announce booth. 

1.  THE FULL BLOODED ITALIANS (with Big Sal E. Graziano) vs. Kid Kash(with his chewing gum), Simon Diamond, & Swinger

-  Referee for the match is John Finnegan.  Finnegan put on some weight in the off-season.  So did Smothers, Kash, and Diamond, too.  Individual ring introductions.  Smothers still can dance as good as R-Truth.  Guido starts with Kash.  Guido with a go behind and takes Kash down.  Kash with a headlock,,  shot off and shoulderblocks Guido down.  Couple of near falls.  Schoolboy on Kash gets 2.  They get up, shake hands and go nose to nose.  In comes Tony Luke.  Swinger comes in.  Tenay calls them the ECW Talent.  Short arm scissors by Luke and Swinger picks him up and drives him down.  Swinger sent into his own corner and bangs into the knee of Diamond.  In comes Diamond and Smothers.  Taz makes fun of his weight.  They exchange blows and Smothers takes him down and drives an elbow to the throat of Diamond.  Diamond gets a mic.  "Orlando, Florida...Simon has a problem".  Crowd:  "Shut the fuck up!".  Diamond says they aren't a fine oiled machine because of Kid Kash.  He guarantees they may not be able to out-wrestle the FBI, but they can out-dance them.  Music hits and Diamond and Swinger cut a rug.  Smothers cuts the music and grabs a mic.  He says Michael Jackson rolled over in his grave just now.  FBI hits the music and I am at a loss.  Even Big Sal is in the ring dancing.  Kash, Swinger, and Diamond attack from behind.  Big Sal takes down Swinger and Diamond.  They brawl as Kid Kash throws Finnegan down.  Kash takes off and does a suicide dive off his back on everyone to the outside.  Back in.  Swinger in with Tony Luke and covers for 2.  Crowd is dead.  Kash tags in and hits a back breaker for 2.  Kash chops Luke and he no-sells.  They trade chops until Luke wins the battle.  Luke charges Kash and he powerslams Luke to the corner and Luke lands head first in a sick looking bump.  Guido in and hits a cross body on Kash for 2.  Kick to the head on Kash and Swinger interrupts the cover.  Swinger in.  He climbs up top with Kash and a DOUBLE SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP!  Simon Diamond in with a series of suplexes until Tracy Smothers thumbs him in the eye.  Luke with a flying dropkick.  Kash with a Butterfly Bomb and Luke is dead!  Guido grabs Simon Diamond and hits the Sicilian Drop for the win @ 10:43.  (Match was pretty good.  The dance off was real ugly, though.  Spotfest at the end saved the match.  C-.)

-  Mike Tenay and Taz explain that Sabu will replace Jerry Lynn, tonight.

-  We have a where are they now segment.  We see Tod Gordon, Pitbull Gary Wolfe, & The Blue Meanie.  Couldn't get a second take for Wolfe?  Good to see Blue Meanie put the weight back on. 

-  Now we hear the TNA Superstars talk about how they remembered ECW.  AJ Styles talks about the Singapore Cane Match between Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman.  Angelina Love says that she couldn't even watch ECW in Toronto. 

-  Backstage, Al Snow is yelling at Head for chanting ECW.  He makes a crack about Jerry McDivitt.  Stevie Richards calms him down and in walks Hollywood Nova.  He says he found him.  In walks a fake Blue Meanie.  He is pissing me off at how dumb he is acting.  Al Snow even won't see this.  Stevie has had enough. 

2.  CW Anderson vs.  Too Cold Scorpio

-  Tenay says Anderson is not related to Gene, Lars, Ole, or Arn.  Taz says CW does have Arn's haircut, though.  Scorpio still looks in okay shape.  Scorpio starts with a go-behind.  CW works the arm.  Scorpio flips out and reverses the armbar.  They trade slaps.  They trade blows.  CW grabs a headlock.  CW off the ropes, Scorpio hits a high dropkick.  Corkscrew plancha to the outside by Scorpio.  High cross body by Scorpio gets 2.  They trade forearms and CW stops him with a superkick.  Cover gets 2.  CW stomps the arm.  He hooks the arm around his back and throws Scorpio into the ringpost.  He works the arm.  Scorpio pulls through and hits an inside crescent kick.  More jabs by Scorpio and CW just LAYS OUT SCORPIO.  Cover gets 2.  Crowd wants one more time.  Scorpio with a back heel trip.  CW covers Scorpio quick and couple of near falls.  Scorpio lands on the apron.  CW hits him with a forearm and gets 2.  Scorpio shoots CW in the corner and hits a flipping double kick.  Scorpio off the top and hits a HIGH TIME LEGDROP!!!! Cover gets 2.  Scorpio goes back up top and Moonsault hits CW's knees.  CW up and SPINEBUSTER!  Cover gets 2.5.  CW with a few forearms and Scorpio answers with a Superkick.  Scorpio heads back up top and hits a MOONSAULT INTO A LEGDROP!!!!  THAT WILL DO IT FOR ANDERSON @ 6:45!  (Holy shit!  CW can still go.  He is VERY underrated!  Fantastic match; a little short.  B-.)  They shake hands after the match.

-  More TNA stars remember ECW.  Madison Rayne talks about the cult-like following.  Matt Morgan talks about bouncing at a bar where ECW used to run shows.  Ken Anderson talks about how different ECW was from WWF and WCW at that point.

-  Backstage, RVD talks with Bill Alfonso.  He says he is very excited about fighting Jerry Lynn.  Fonzie marks out.  RVD says that Lynn trained too hard and can't wrestle.  He says Dreamer called him and left it up to RVD.  RVD looks like he is wearing only a shirt; nothing else.  Fonzie may be drunk, with even less teeth than the last time I saw him.  Fonzie says "right down the middle" about 49 times.

3.  P.J. "Don't Call me Justin Credible, Even though I am wearing my old Justin Credible Shirt" Polaco vs.  Stevie Richards (with Nova and Blue Tilly)

-  Crowd chants Justin Credible.  Polaco starts with a side headlock.  Polaco hits him with a shoulderblock take down.  Stevie with a headlock and now he takes down Polaco.  Lock up and back to the corner go both men.  Big chop by Polaco.  They trade chops.  Polaco sent upside down into the corner and whips him to the other side, crotch first to the post.  On the outside.  Polaco with a suplex on the floor.  Polaco with a slingshot splash to the outside.  Both men back in.  Polaco stomps him down in the corner.  Polaco pulls him up and powerbombs him out of the corner.  Cover gets 2.  Polaco kicks him in the midsection and hits a jumping DDT for 2.  Polaco stomps him back down in the corner.  Big chops in the corner and Polaco whipped into the corner and Polaco jumps up and grabs the head of Stevie.  Stevie throws him over the top rope and Polaco hits head first into the ringsteps!  Polaco rolls back in and drop Polaco with several rights.  Stevie with a sidewalk slam.  Stevie with a sitdown powerbomb for 2.  Stevie on the 2nd rope.  He jumps right into a superkick by Polaco!  Cover gets 2.5!  THATS INCREDIBLE TOMBSTONE!!!  Cover and Nova distracts Polaco.  Polaco drops him and turns back to Stevie.  He does his "not just the coolest....JUST INCRED..."  STEVIE KICK!  That will do it @ 6:32.  (Just average.  C-.  Big pop for both guys though.)  Polaco canes Stevie and the lights go out.  IT'S THE SANDMAN!  WHITE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP ON POLACO!  HE CANES HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Sandman breaks the cane and places it on the chest of Polaco.  Sandman poses.

-  Where are they now?  Francine is a mom now.  WHO IS THE DADDY??!?  She sends a shout out to Paul Heyman.  Her kid looks less than thrilled.

-  Now a moment of silence for the dead ECW wrestlers.

4.  Brother Runt vs.  Al Snow (with Head) vs.  Rhino

-  Runt takes time to crash a chair into a Puerto Rican flag at ringside.  Snow looks a little bloated.  Double headlock on Rhino.  He takes both men down.  Attempted GORE by Rhino and Snow trips him up.  Snow with a sidewalk slam on Runt.  Rhino dumps Snow.  Runt lures Rhino up and over.  Runt on the top and dives on both men.  They catch him and throw him over their heads.  Taz uttters an ECW.  Tenay 1, Taz 1.  Back in the ring, Snow misses a slingshot legdrop.  Snow wraps up Rhino and does his multiple head butt spot.  Snow hits a great moonsault.  Cover gets 2.  TNA jobbers look on in the back.  Rhino suplexes Snow over and Runt hits a top rope double stomp.  Acid Drop on the way, Rhino throws him off.  Rhino eats a boot on a corner charge and head scissors throw by Runt.  Runt between both men and hitting everything.  DOUBLE ACID DROP ATTEMPT and Runt is thrown over the top rope.  Ref goes down.  Snow grabs Head and drops Rhino.  Runt has a chair.  Snow drops Runt.  Snow throws the chair down and lays down.  Rhino down too.  Ref has no idea what happened.  Snow up while the ref takes the chair out and tries to hit Runt with Head.  Acid Drop on Snow and he is eliminated 5:48.  GORE BY RHINO!  Rhino wins it @ 6:00.  (Nice quick pace and funny spot by Snow.  All 3 men still have it.  C+.)

-  Mick Foley takes time out of reading his Hulk Hogan book to talk about Raven and Tommy Dreamer's feud. 

-  TNA stars talk about ECW.  Magnus talks about the innovative style of ECW's matches and shows.  Chris Sabin talks about watching Terry Funk vs. Sabu in a Barbed Wire Match. 

SOUTH PHILADELPHIA STREET FIGHT

5.  Axl Rotten & Kahoneys (Seriously?!?!?  We couldn't just call him Balls?) vs.  Team 3D (with Joel Gertner) 

-  Taz almost utters Balls Mahoney.  Kahoneys calls themselves the most hardcore team in ECW.  He issues an open challenge.  AND OUT WALKS JOEL GERTNER WITH TEAM 3D!  Crowd wants Gertner to Testify.  Gertner still rocking a polka-dotted neck brace.  Gertner talks about have sex with Lady Gaga and poking her face.  Gertner does teh ring announcing for Team 3D.  Crowd chants Dudleys.  Gertner almost calls them the Dudley Boyz.  Brother Ray has the mic.  Brother Ray says they are 4 of the most hardcore wrestlers in the industry.  He wants a South Philly Street Fight.  Bell ring and let the no-selling begin.  In the ring, D-Von hits a flying shoulder tackle on Rotten.  Now inside, Ray and Kahoneys battle in the corner.  BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS, WHOA, Thumb to the eye.  Taz alludes to Gertner looking like a child molester.  Ray throws a Dusty Rhodes elbow on Kahoneys into the crowd.  Ray and Kahoneys trade liquid beverages to the head.  On the other side, D-Von cracks Axl with a replica ECW title.  Back to Ray, he busts a "Head" on Kahoneys head.  Axl and D-Von battle back down the steps.  Taz basically says Axl looks like shit.  Axl looks like he ate the Dynamite Kid.  Now back in the ring is Kahoneys.  Taz calls him Mahoneys.  Ray with a trash can lid andhe runs into BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS WHOA TRASHCAN LID!  Ray sells for a second and he grabs a skillet and bends it over the head of Kahoneys.  Axl with with a cookie sheet and bends it over the head of Ray.  D-Von comes in the ring, misses a clothesline.  Axl with a couple of rights and then a trashcan lid.  Kahoneys with a LIGHT SABER!?  Ray with a LIGHT SABER!? Star Wars, this is not.  Kahoneys kicks free and stabs Ray with the Saber.  BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS, WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA, LIGHT SABER TO KAHONEYS'S KAHONEYS!  Ray with an old school Bubba dance and big elbow to Kahoneys.  D-Von drops Axl with a neckbreaker and gets a 2.  Sit out by Kahoneys gets 2.  Kahoneys bleeding.  All 4 men have chairs!  Team 3D loses the battle and covers get 2.  Kahoneys and Axl turn to John Finnegan, shoots him into the ropes, he ducks, tries a double clothesline and they no-sell.  They turn around and they eat two SICK chair shots.  Kahoneys on the recieving end of a WHASSUP!  "D-VON, GET THE TABLES!".  Table is set up in the ring.  Gertner throws lighter fluid to Ray.  They soak the table.  D-Von lights the table.  KAHONEYS POWERBOMBED THROUGH THE FLAMING TABLE!  Cover by D-Von gets the win @ 11:55.  (Just a fun match to watch.  Can't rate this one!)  Brother Ray says they are the greatest tag team in the world.  MUSIC HITS AND OUT COMES MUSTAFA SAED AND NEW JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

-  Here we go.  New Jack with a crutch to D-Von.  Kitchen sink to Brother Ray.  New Jack with a trash can across D-Von.  Mustafa stomps Ray.  Hockey Stick to the balls of D-Von.  They break a Singapore cane over Ray's back.  D-Von gets backdropped and points to the guitar for the guitar spot.  New Jack busts the guitar over Gertner!  Gangstas and Team 3D hug in the middle of the ring.  Kahoneys and Axl walk back into the ring and they all raise each other's hands. 

-In the back, Raven talks about growing up with Tommy Dreamer.  He wants to take Tommy's soul.

-  TNA stars remember ECW.  Jesse Neal didn't even get to see ECW when it was around.  SO WHY THE FUCK ASK HIM ANYTHING ABOUT ECW?  Please somebody end Ink Inc.  Anyone!  Kazarian remembers training with ECW wrestlers like Chris Candido, Al Snow, and Jerry Lynn. 

-  Now we take a moment to remember Joey Styles.  Ray wishes he was there to call their match tonight.  RVD is high.  Jerry Lynn does his Styles impression.  Simon Diamond says he made him look good.  Rhino (wearing a Taz shirt) says the same.  Sandman wishes he could be there.  They cut him off real quick.  Stevie loves him.  Tommy gets emotional.  What a shock. 

THE FINAL SHOWDOWN

ANYTHING GOES, NO TIME LIMITS, MICK FOLEY IS THE GUEST REFEREE

6.  Raven vs. Tommy Dreamer

-  Raven stops by ringside to say hello to Beulah.  AND DIXIE CARTER FACE TIME!  Foley's referee shirt is split down the middle on both sides.  Christ he is plump!  During Foley's instructions, Raven low blows Dreamer.  Side Russian legsweep into the barricade by Raven.  Back inside, Raven props up a chair in the corner.  Dreamer sends him back first into the chair, though.  Dreamer beats away on Raven.  Dreamer takes someone's Mountain Dew.  HOW EXTREME!  He spits it in Raven's face.  Dreamer mounts Raven over the guardrail and gives him 10 punches.  Back in the ring, Dreamer sets up 2 chairs in the ring.  Dreamer tries to suplex Raven on the chairs.  Raven reverses and drop toe holds Dreamer into the chairs.  Dreamer eats a SICK CHAIR SHOT in front of his wife and kids.  They take his kids out of the arena and Dreamer is BUSTED OPEN!!!!!  Back inside and Raven chokes Dreamer with his boot.  Dreamer is covered with the blood he wiped all over his face.  Raven stalks Dreamer and Dreamer turns around a drop toe hold into the chair.  Dreamer with a sign and cracks it over the head of Raven.  Wouldn't you know it?  It's a Dead End sign.  Raven busted open too.  Suplex onto the sign.  Dreamer goes under the ring and grabs a ladder.  Dreamer drapes the ladder across the bottom rope.  Dreamer biting the bloody face of Raven.  Dreamer with a double leg take down and sets Raven underneath the ladder.  Catapult and Raven crashes under the ladder.  Raven set up on the top rope.  Dreamer puts the ladder on the second rope.  Raven pushes Dreamer through the ladder rungs.  He drives his knee into Dreamer's face as they go crashing through the mat.  Raven goes for the Evenflow and Dreamer counters into a Spicolli Driver.  Raven hung upside down in the corner.  He stands on Raven's testicles.  Dead End sign on the face.  Hanging Delayed dropkick to the face of Raven.  Dreamer goes under the ring and grabs the barbed wire.  He wraps the barbed wire around the mouth and face of Raven while holding in a cross face!  In comes the bWo.  They attack Mick Foley.  Nova with a face first Urinage on Dreamer.  Blue Tilly on the top rope.  He misses a splash.  Combo DDT and Neckbreaker on bWo.  EVENFLOW DDT ON DREAMER!  Cover get 2.5!  Foley has enough and goes after Raven.  Mr. Socko for Raven.  On the top is Lucas and he legdrops Dreamer.  Foley with a Mandible Claw with Barbed Wire on Lucas.  They leave the ring.  Raven handcuffs Dreamer behind the back.  Raven grabs the chair.  Raven hits Dreamer in the back with the chair.  Dreamer on his knees, looks up at Raven.  Here comes Beulah and she pleads with Raven.  He hugs her and cracks Dreamer with  the chair in the head.  Foley goes after Raven as he aims for Beulah, Raven nails Foley.  Low blow by Beulah.  DDT by Dreamer on Raven with the handcuffs.  Cover gets 2.999999!!!  Raven up and hits the chair into Dreamer's knee.  EVENFLOW ON DREAMER!  Cover gets 3 and Raven wins it @ 17.00.  (Very good match, but too many run -ins and some looked like they lost their place in spots.  Your typical ECW style violent brawl.  C+.)

-  Backstage is Jeremy Borash.  He is talking to SoCal Val and in walk the Gangstas.  New Jack tells her "once she goes black, she gets bad credit.".  New Jack calls her his bitch and Borash repeats it.

-  TNA stars talk about Paul Heyman.  Taz calls him the Godfather of ECW.  Foley says he gave people creative freedom.  Stevie says he had a lot of passion.  Raven says they were like Scorcese and DeNiro.  Simon Diamond calls him the messiah of the internet and wrestling.  Sandman calls him the best booker in the business. 

MAIN EVENT

7.  Rob Van Dam (with Bill Alphonso) vs.  Sabu (with Bill Alphonso)

-  Sabu is bald.  When I say bald, I mean Steve Austin, bald!  Sabu tries a couple of leg dives to no success.  Sabu tries a waistlock and RVD goes to the ropes.  RVD goes to the outside and poses.  Sabu with a leg takedown and RVD kicks him away.  Sabu with a chinlock and RVD gets free.  They pose, SOME MORE!  Fonzie slides a chair in the ring and Sabu throws it in the face of RVD.  Sabu sets it up in the corner and flys into RVD.  Sabu kicks RVD over the barricade.  Sabu sets up the chair.  He runs, jumps on the chair, hops on the top rope, and dives over the barricade onto RVD!  VINTAGE SABU!  Sabu busted open behind the head.  Reverse chinlock on RVD.  He puts the chair on the back of RVD and puts on a camel clutch.  Sabu sets up a chair and slugs RVD down in the corner.  Sabu jumps on the chair and RVD kicks the chair out from under Sabu.  RVD with a monkey flip out of the corner onto the chair for Sabu.  Cover gets 2.  Sabu sends RVD into the corner and clotheslines RVD and covers for 2.  Sabu beats him in the corner.  He whips RVD to the other corner.  They both hit the 2nd rope and spring off into each other.  Fonzie in the ring and throws some water to both guys.  Both men leave the ring.  RVD grabs a table, so does Sabu.  They run around the near side and they lock up on the floor.  RVD with a low blow and turning spin kick into the face of RVD.  Front layout suplex hangs Sabu on the guardrail.  R-V-D!  Turning leg drop off the apron onto Sabu.  Sabu on the table is laying on the apron.  RVD catches a chair and throws it onto Sabu.  RVD springboard legdrops Sabu.  Cover gets 2.  Sabu back up and charges RVD and eats an elbow.  RVD goes up and Sabu throws chair into the face of RVD.  SABU WITH A TOP ROPE HURICARANA ONTO THE CHAIR!  ARABIAN FACE BUSTER GETS 2!  Camel Clutch on RVD.  Fonzie thows a chair to Sabu and RVD trips Sabu onto the chair.  RVD crotches Sabu on the top rope.  Fonzie holds the chair and RVD with a top rope sidekick to the face of Sabu.  Didn't hit all of it.  Split legged moonsault gets 2.  RVD sets up a table and Sabu grabs a chair.  Sabu throws the chair at RVD.  Head first shot to RVD and RVD may be knocked out.  RVD reverses a whip to the corner and RVD takes Sabu down.  He places a chair on the chest of Sabu and ROLLING THUNDER ON THE CHAIR!  Cover gets 2.  RVD with a delayed dropkick with the chair into the face of Sabu.  Cover gets 2.5.  SABU HITS A SPRINGBOARD TORNADO DDT ONTO THE CHAIR AND COVERS...he gets 2.5.  Legdrop with a chair by Sabu and he gets 2.  RVD slammed onto the table.  Sabu misses a legdrop through the table!!!!!  5 STAR FROG SPLASH ONTO SABU WILL FINISH IT @ 17:12.  (Great match. a few blown spots as you will get with Sabu and RVD, but a solid B+.  Match of the night!)  RVD up first and he celebrates with the crowd.  Sabu slow to get up.  He may have cracked ribs.  Sabu finally up and he hugs RVD. 

-  After the replays of the physical main event, the entire EV2.0 come out to the ring with beer in hand.  Crowd chants "thank you".  DIXIE CARTER FACE TIME WITH A BEER!  Crowd chants "fuck you, Vince!".  Tommy Dreamer is on the mic.  He thanks everyone for coming.  MORE DIXIE CARTER FACE TIME as Brother Ray carries her over the guardrail and into the ring.  Tommy says, "that was one hell of an F'N pay per view".  The show comes to an end. 

FINAL THOUGHTS...

-  Many of you reading this know that this wasn't a show to expect a whole lot.  It was just to give the fans a proper send off for ECW, the right way.  It wasn't Vince saying, here's ECW; but you also have to watch my wrestlers further themselves while I plug my next WWE show.  I will give TNA this much.  They mentioned The Whole F'N Show one time and Bound For Glory 10 at the end of the Pay per view.  We saw RVD and Team 3D wrestle.  Not against Abyss or Beer Money; but against their ECW friends that they wanted to wrestle.  I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, Paul Heymanwould walk through that curtain.  It would have been the perfect way to send off that show.  But when you send out a tribute during the show, there is not much room for an appearance.  Very cool of Dixie to show all the former stars.  And a big fuck you Vince to Vince McMahon, for not allowing some things that he owns the name to.  How much money is he going to make on Justin Credible?  Balls Mahoney?  Tony Mamaluke?  If you want to see a fun show and go back in time to a landof Extreme, this is a definite.  If you are here to see storyline advancement and TNA wrestling, don't bother.  I walk away from this tonight, a happy customer.  See you Thursday for The Whole F'N Show.

Aired August 5, 2010

The Impact Zone - Orlando, Florida

-  What a wild 48 hours it has been for me.  I came home last night from work, hoping to jump right into Impact, instead I get 2 hours of a recorded black screen.  Somebody, somewhere, does not want me reviewing TNA anymore.  So, I stumbled across the Spike TV website and they have the entire episode uploaded, commercial free.  At least I hope it is the entire episode.  So I will be reviewing the show from there.  If I omit anything, have a heart.  I tried.  Also, I the pleasure of seeing an independent show tonight featuring Shelton Benjamin.  He looked very good in the ring and I even shelled out 10 bucks to get a picture with him.  If you are interested in seeing his match from tonight, it will be on a website along with the whole show that had Chris Hamrick and Lodi, as well.  Ok, stop laughing, it was a great show.  You can check it out at CWAprowrestling.com.  LET'S CROSS THE LINE!

-  We begin with a video of last week's EV 2.0 reunion in the ring.  Then we see the fun that ensued with Raven licking Tommy Dreamer's face.  Ga-ross!

"THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME"

-  Impact opening with pyro in HD.  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

-  Tonight on Impact, Tommy Dreamer teams with RVD to face Abyss and Raven.  Let's kick off Impatc with Tommy Dreamer, shall we?  For HD, Tommy has a VERY shiny forehead!  He calls out Raven off the bat.  Awful music hits and out comes Raven.  Dreamer asks Raven why he did it.  He says the were friends and enemies, but he thought they were past it.  Dreamer says his kids call him Uncle Scotty.  Crowd chants Uncle Scotty.  Raven says they have known each other for 30 years.  OOOOOOOK...Raven does know the whole storyline in ECW was fake, right?  Raven says Dreamer's wife should have been his and his kids too.  Raven bided his time while Dreamer got everything together.  Rasven says the kids shold be calling him daddy.  Then says Dreamer's wife will call him daddy after Hardcore Justice.  Dreamer attacks Raven and out comes Abyss.  He goozles Dreamer and RVD saves him with a chairshot.  Meanwhile Raven DDT's Dreamer on the ramp.  Out comes Mick Foley with a barbed wire bat and nails Raven in the arm.  Foley says at HARD Justice, he will be the special referee. 

-  Also on tap for Impact tonight, Beer Money faces Motor City Machineguns in Match 4 of their best of 5 series in an Ultimate X match.  Ric Flair and Jay Lethal face off in a Street Fight; if any member of Fortune interferes, Flair is suspended for 90 days.  And Abyss & Raven face Dreamer & RVD.

TNA KNOCKOUT TAG TEAM TITLES

1.  Velvet Sky & Lacey Von Erich vs.  Taylor Wilde & Hamada

-  Lacey starts with Taylor.  Quick rollup on Lacey gets 1.  Lacey catches Taylor and hits the fallaway slam.  Hamada in and goes to work with headbutts.  Turning elbow on Lacey and Velvet distracts.  Lacey with a spin kick and Ve;lvet comes in.  Snapmares Hamada and kicks the back.  Cover gets 2.  Lacey back in.  They throw Hamada into the corner back and forth.  Cover gets 2.  Moonsault into an elbow is BOTCHAMANIA! by Lacey.  Taylor back in and forearms Lacey and German suplex gets 2.  Hamada comes in onto Velvet.  Double whip, Taylor and Hamada dosie doe, and clothesline TBP.  Taylor kicks away on Lacey.  Madison Rayne at the top of the ramp looks on.  And here comes Motorcycle Lady through the crowd to watch.  Hamada and Velvet do a double hair veil.  Velvet misses Hamada and slaps the ref.  They tussle to the outside.  Lacey rolls in and sledges the back of Taylor.  Motorcycle Lady throws a chair to Lacey.  Taylor dropkicks the chair into her face and we have new Knockoout Tag Team Champions @ 4:16.  (What a confusing clusterfuck!  D-.)  New champions celebrate and Velvet is staring a hole through Madison Rayne!  We'll be right back.

TNA TELEVSION TITLE

2.  #10 'THE FREAK' ROB TERRY vs.  #6 AJ Styles (wuth Kazarian)

-  Nice spray-on tan on AJ.  Referee kicks Kaz to the back before the bell.  TERRY clotheslines both men over the top to the floor and the bell rings.  Kaz chased to the back by TERRY.  AJ tries to springboard onto the ramp and TERRY pushes him in the ring.  TERRY picks him up by the the throat and throws him back into the corner.  TERRY rams the gut in the corner and picks AJ up on his shoulder and backdrops him.  AJ tries to kick TERRY away and TERRY throws him down.  TERRY grabs AJ by the face and throws him across the ring.  AJ up and chops TERRY.  No sell.  He slaps TERRY in the face and AJ gets thrown into the corner where the ref is.  He avoids Hebner and low blows TERRY.  AJ with a Springboard 450 for the win @ 2:48.  (Quick match but effective.  Better than the Knockouts match, but not by much.  D+.)

-  Dark match Randy Couture aka Kurt Angle discusses running through the top ten to get another title match.  Angle is scary looking but in freakish shape.  He is not ready to lose or retire from professional wrestling. 

-  Now we see Jay Lethal in catering talking about Ric Flair.  The way it is shot, with Lethal wearing what he is wearing, it looks like they have caught up with Lethal at lunchtime in a prison yard.  Up next, BM vs MCMG, Ultimate X!

-  Next Thursday, is entitled TNA:  The Whole F'N Show.  RVD faces Abyss for the TNA Title in an EXTREME OF ALL EXTREME MATCHES! 

-  Backstage, Velvet is battling with Madison.  She uses every four letter word in the English language.  Lacey gets knocked out and Velvet gets even more pissed.

TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

MATCH 4 IN THE BEST OF 5 SERIES (BEER MONEY LEADS 2-1)

ULTIMATE X MATCH

3.  Beer Money, Incorporated vs.  Motor City Machineguns

-  Roode has the mic.  It is evident they hate each other, but they have tag team wrestling to a whole new level over the last several weeks.  But to be the best in the world, they need the TNA Tag Team Titles.  Sabin retorts.  MCMG are the TNA Tag Team Champions.  They chose this match for a reason.  Because it is what they do best and what they live for.  BM will have to pry the titles from their cold, dead hands.  And with that, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Bell rings and MCMG climb the ropes.  BM miss corner charges and MCMG hit rapid fire clotheslines.  BM bail and MCMG hit springboard cross body blocks to the outside.  Sabin climbs up the ropes and makes his way across the cables, but Storm cuts him off.  Drop toe hold into a bulldog by Sabin.  Shelley ties up both men and Sabin climbs across again.  Roode gets free and powerbombs Sabin in the corner.  Catapult into a DDT for Shelley.  Roode and Storm argue about ho will climb.  Storm says he is drunk.  Roode tries to go up and gets crotched.  Tree of Woe as Roode is in Storm's lap.  Delayed dropkick by Sabin!  Shelley stands on the yam bag of Storm.  Shelley starts the climb across and BM pull him down.  DWI attempt and Shelley gets free.  Sliced Bread misses and Storm hits a Back Stabber.  ~~BEER~~ ~~MONEY~~!!  Roode has been opened back up.  Sabin is dumped.  Shelley gets hit with a couple of charging clotheslines in the corner.  Storm up top with Shelley.  He hits an inverted atomic drop off the top on Storm.  Roode makes it almost to the X and Shelley pulls him off.  Shelley hit a 5 star DDT on Roode and he is laid out.  Storm charges Shelley and Shelley hits a double foot stomp on Roode.  He thumbs Storm in the eye.  Storm catches Shelley off the top and hits the Eye of the Storm.  Sabin up and climbing across.  He kicks Storm and HITS A TOP ROPE HURICARANA ON STORM!  Roode up and hits the Double R Spinebuster on Sabin.  Roode heads up and Storm stands him on his shoulders.  MCMG kick Storm down and pulls Roode onto Storm.  Shelley with a side kick on the apron and hits A SLICED BREAD ON THE APRON ON STORM!  Roode climbs up the scaffolding.  He is walking across the cables.  Sabin is on the other side and makes it to the X and crotches Roode, who falls to the ring.  Sabin grabs the X for the win @ 9:55.  (Excellent match!  Even better than the cage match from last week.  B++!  Yes a new rating.) 

-  Eric Bischoff, Miss Tessmacher, and Hulk Hogan are headed to the ring, NEXT!

-  Back on TNA and out comes Hogan, Bischoff, and Tessmacher.  Bischoff calls next Thursday, a pay per view quality show with no commercials.  Bischoff will be the guest referee for Abyss and RVD.  Match 5 will decide the TNA Tag Team Titles.  Kurt Angle will face AJ Styles.  Angelina Love faces Madison Rayne for the Knockout Title.  Matt Morgan vs. The Pope vs. Mr. Anderson.  Plus, Jeff Hardy will issue an open challenge for next week.  Out comes Kevin Nash.  He wants to know where he is supposed to be for next week.  Hogan says it is time to step aside.  It is time for the young guys to get ahead.  Hogan says Nash needs to quit with the politics.  Nash says Hogan is the King of Politics.  Nash says Bischoff should have never messed with him.  Nash throws Bischoff down and Hogan attacks him.  Nash re-groups and beats Hogan in the corner.  He grabs a chair and sets it down in the ring.  He goes to Jacknife Hogan on it.  Bischoff gets up and Nash pushes him away.  He goes to hit Hogan with it and out comes Jeff Jarrett.  He attacks Nash and hits the corner punches on Nash.  Out comes Sting.  He knocks a chair out of Jarrett's hand with a bat.  He throws the bat to Nash and Nash clotheslines Jarrett with the bat.  Sting hits Hogan in the head with a chair.  We'll be right back. 

-  Back on TNA.  We see Sting talking to Nash and Christy Hemme tries to get words with him.  He walks off.

4.  Orlando Jordan vs.  #9 The Pope

-  OJ with a sucker, fresh from his nipple into the mouth of So Cal Val.  Pope copies John Morrison by giving his sunglasses with crosses on them to a kid in the crowd.  OJ sucks on his finger while looking at Pope.  He tries to touch Pope with it.  Pope ain't having it.  OJ with a go behind into a sit down.  Pope sits it out and gets into a standing waistlock.  OJ backs him into the corner and rubs all over Pope.  Pope slaps OJ.  OJ decks Pope.  OJ stomps away on the Pope and mounts him with punches.  Out comes Eric Young and he is swimming in the Pope Dinero on the ramp.  He is stuffing the fake money down his pants.  OJ gets distracted and runs into a clothesline.  OJ down in the corner.  Pope hits the DDE into a Sitout form the Top Rope for the win @ 3:26.  (For comic relief, they shouldn't involve the Pope.  Kinda pissed about that; D+.  EY turns this into shit, as well.)  After the match, Matt Morgan comes out and attacks Pope.  Out comes Mr. Anderson who is running to the ring with a chair.  Morgan bails.  Pope is face to face with Anderson and they have words in the ring.  Out comes TNA Security.  They tell Anderson to leave the ring. 

-  In the back, it's Christy Hemme with Ric Flair.  Flair makes sexual comments about Hemme.  Flair is dressed pretty classy for a man about to be involved in a Street Fight.  Flair is the greatest of all time.  Tonight, Jay Lethal dies. WHOOOO!  WHOO WHOO!

STREET FIGHT

5.  #5 Jay Lethal vs.  Ric Flair

-  Bell rings and Flair starts chopping Lethal.  Lethal shirt is ripped off and Flair hits a low blow.  Flair works the knee.  Yes he is wearing a three piece suit, if you are wondering.  Flair grabs a trashcan full of weapons.  Lethal goes around the other side and springboards into a dropkick on Flair.  He pulls off the coat and pulls Flair's shirt over his head and chops him some more.  He now throws the shirt in the crowd and backdrops Flair.  Kendo stick to the head of Flair.  He is busted open at the 2:30 mark.  More chops on Flair.  Lethal mounts him in the corner and pounds away.  Flair comes out, takes a few shadow jabs and Flair Flops.  Flair off the ropes and meets a cooking sheet.  Flair shadow boxes and Flair Flops.  Lethal rips Flair's pants down to his underwear.  Lethal beats him with his won belt.  Flair down to his underwear, one shoe, and one sock; if you are keeping score at home.  Lethal with a trashcan to the head and Flair flops again.  Flair gets free and heads up top.  Lethal meets him with a trash can lid.  Superplex on Flair.  Lethal covers and Douglas Williams (who made his way to ringside) pulls him out.  Flair grabs Lethal and Lethal hits a sunset flip.  He pulls down Flair's undies and we see a pale digitized mess.  Flair gets free and crawls to the corner while Earl Hebner slaps his ass while trying to pull up Flair's underwear.  Williams, meanwhile, decks Lethal with the X Division title and Flair covers.  Lethal puts his foot on the ropes and Williams pushes it off to give Flair the win @ 6:38.  (Funny as hell to watch.  Sad as hell to watch.  D so everyone is happy.)   

-  Backstage, Raven and Abyss make their way to the arena.  The Main Event is NEXT! 

-  Backstage, Christy Hemme is talking to RVD.  She goes down RVD's schedule for next week.  RVD calls her Chrissy.  RVD is only focused on tonight.  RVD spaces out while talking about Abyss.  In walks Jerry Lynn.  He announces that he will face RVD at Hardcore Justice.  RVD and Christy Hemme can't believe it.  Neither can I.  Maybe it was that I don't want to believe it. 

MAIN EVENT

6.  Abyss and Raven vs.  Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam

-  They meet on the ramp.  Abyss beats on everyone.  He throws Dreamer in the ring.  RVD dives on Abyss.  The referee kicks him out.  Raven chop blocks Dreamer.  Abyss beats on Dreamer and corner splashes Dreamer.  In comes Raven.  He blows his nose on a rag and rubs it in Dreamer's face.  Raven gouges the face of Dreamer and dumps him outside.  Abyss throws him back in and Raven covers for 2.  Abyss in and Dreamer fights back but Abyss slams him down.  Cover gets 2.  Abyss misses a corner splash and hot tags around.  RVD clotheslines Raven.  Superkick by RVD.  He dropkicks Abyss off the apron.  Rolling Thunder on Raven.  Cover gets 2 before Abyss makes the save.  Double goozle on Dreamer and RVD.  Double clothesline takes Abyss out of the ring.  RVD hits the Frog Splash on Raven for the win @ 3:57.  (Quick match, but each guy brought it in those 4 minutes.  C-.) 

-  After the match, Abyss drops everybody.  He chokeslams RVD.  Out comes Stevie Richards.  He gets dropped.  Out comes Rhino.  He clubs away on Abyss.  Sets up for the GORE and gets booted in the face instead.  Team 3D come in and attack.  Raven makes the save with a chair.  Suddenly the lights go out.  ITS THE SANDMAN!!!!  He canes Raven out the ring.  Abyss gets his share of shots and he goes down.  Sandman celebrates as Mick Foley makes his way out to the ring.  Out come other members of EV 2.0 with beer as the show comes to an end. 

FINAL THOUGHTS...

-  A nice mixture of TNA storylines with EXTREME storylines to get everyone pumped up over the next week of TNA programming.  They hyped Hardcore Justice well.  We have some idea what to expect, even though the bar isn't set too high.  Then we have The Whole F'N Show set up for next Thursday with a TREMENDOUS card.  It is a good way to hype up TNA and get people watching.  I talked to 4 different people who haven't watched TNA in months.  They caught this episode of Impact and all are ordering Hardcore Justice.  TNA has people talking again.  Even though the matches weren't stellar, minus the tag title match, I say this show was written very well.  I might go ahead and shell out some money for Hardcore Justice.  TNA has me intrigued.

Hey Scott,

Been reading your board in regards to what everyone blames the death of WCW on, and wanted to connect to the man himself (you) for my thoughts. People like to blame Starcade 97 & the Finger Poke of Doom, and they are right, those things definately killed interest. But isn't just the lousy, arrogent, booking of Nitro the real thing to blame. I mean somewhere in 97 they got very over-confident and began airing never-ending Hogan masturbation promos w/ no real storytelling, just biding their time till Sting vs Hogan. Then in 98 there was some solid (questionable) effort. I mean they took a risk & split up the NWO & began building up Goldberg, with the DDP/Raven feud in the undercard. But then that summer the programming got really bad. The Warrior w/ his magic smoke & mirrors? Jay Leno/NWO Night Cap w/ Bischoff? And then after the poke of doom came the worst of all...The No Limit Soldiers. I mean instead of blaming one stupid incident, shouldn't we just blame it on years of bad TV?

There are a million things you can blame it on.  The years of bad TV certainly contributed as much as anything else, but TV is easy to turn around in a few weeks.  Killing PPV off?  That’s tough to come back from. 

Hey Scott, I was wondering if you could post on your blog this request. A friend of mine and I have been dying to find this promo from Raven. It happened on a Smackdown right around Tazz's debut, Raven ends up going "I never got a hotdog". So can you post this on your blog? Maybe some one out there has it and can upload it?

Well, of course you understand that the official position of Scott’s Blog of Doom is that we only deal in legally obtained footage and would never just “upload” something…

- This was one that I skipped when it came out because it didn't really appeal to me for $25. But for $6, hey, why not?

We start with a poem, written by Jake Roberts, so I'm already getting a bad feeling going into this.

Disc One

- Jake notes that he had a screwed up family life. For instance, his father was dating his grandmother for a time. His father, Grizzly Smith, was a bigtime pro wrestler and yet they had no money. By the time he was 13, his original mother had died and he was helping to wash his stepmother in the bath, which drove him out of the house and made him hate women. Plus then his sister married a 53-year old man when she was 19, a marriage that ended with her getting murdered in brutal fashion with the body never found.

- So after that charming backstory, Jake gets into wrestling out of high school and he's terrified because Grizzly always maintained kayfabe 100% of the time and never smartened his kids up. When Jake told his father about his plans, Grizzley beat the shit out of him and told him he'd never make it.

- Jake jumped around the territories in the 70s, but came back early from a broken arm to keep Bill Watts happy, and shattered his arm again, setting him back another year.

- His original finish was a kneelift, but while wrestling the Grappler one night he accidentally slipped and fell while doing a facelock, and the DDT was born.

- Jake got tired of tagging with Dory Funk in Mid-Atlantic, and he moved to Georgia and started living the party lifestyle hardcore. He was doing good with Ronnie Garvin and started booking the territory, but then Vince bought them and he tore up the contract and flipped Vince off. A year later he needed a job and came crawling back, this time in the WWF.

- The snake gimmick was of course Vince's idea and it proved to be a masterstroke. Jake had pitched the idea to Bill Watts originally and was told that "it's not a damn circus". I beg to differ.

- Jake and Ricky Steamboat discuss their feud, and they both loved every minute because it was a great crazy angle and the matches were awesome. This led to the angle on SNME where Jake DDT'd Steamboat on the floor, but Ricky wasn't able to block it as promised and suffered a concussion. Yeah, but it looked AWESOME.

- One day, Jake shows up at a TV taping and is told that he has an interview segment now called "The Snake Pit". We get a montage of his Ultimate Warrior-like philosophical ramblings. However, the point being that it doesn't matter what you're saying if you have the confidence behind it. He didn't need to yell like a wrestler because people listened to him.

- This sets up his interview with Honky Tonk Man ("What kind of a stupid name is that?") and Honky lays him out with a non-gimmicked guitar by accident and ruptures two discs in Jake's back. Apparently the stage hands gave Honky the wrong guitar.

- At Wrestlemania III, Honky beats Jake in one of the biggest upsets in wrestling history, kicking off his mega-push. Jake credits this as a double-turn, but Honky was a heel well before that angle.

- Jake notes that his job was to build up people and prepare them for Hulk Hogan. Not really sure where that comes from. Normally the big heel would come in and start with Hogan, and then move down the card if they drew well enough to stick around.

- Onto the Rick Rude feud, as Rude hits on Jake's wife at ringside. Jake wanted Cheryl on the road with him because he needed help rehabbing. This was quite the hot angle, leading up to Rude getting his tights pulled off.

- This leads to a discussion of the substance problems. Gene describes it as making to the top of the mountain and then realizing that you're not any happier once you get there, so you try to enhance the experience. Jake reels off his list of demons and notes that the only thing he didn't do was heroin. A lot of this stuff is recycled from footage of Jake that is 16 years old now. Plus Behind the Music-style stock footage of drugs and alcohol. Like why not just re-record the Jake talking head segments with present-day Jake instead of using the 1996 Confidential interview? It's just really off-putting. Present Jake talks about dead wrestlers and wishing God would take him too. I don't know how or why he was spared. I would never wish death on anyone, but he really cashed in his last card a long time ago.

- Onto discussion of the snake, as Jake notes that it was just a prop and he would get a new one at the beginning of every tour.

- We move onto the Andre feud, as Jake notes that Randy Savage used to hate wrestling Andre because Andre wouldn't give Randy anything, but Jake was incredibly honored to even be in the ring with him, because that meant Jake was a top guy. Jake faced Andre at Wrestlemania V in a match that was more of an angle to set up Jake v. Dibiase than a serious blowoff with the Giant.

- We skip forward to the Earthquake feud in 1991, as Damian meets a hero's demise via Quake's ass in one of the dumber moments ever played up as serious. In storyline terms, however, Jake used this to transform his character into a psychotic heel later on.

- Speaking of which, we get the episode of the Funeral Parlor (I was at that taping!) where Jake pledges to teach the secrets of the dark side to the Ultimate Warrior. Jake relates the story of having to ask Warrior permission to work with him. So Jake plays along and does all the vignettes, but Warrior flakes out and leaves after Summerslam, leaving newly heel Jake with no opponent. So instead he crashes the Savages' wedding reception and attacks Elizabeth with a cobra and now he's got his opponent.

- Meanwhile, Jake was spiraling downwards faster in real life, missing shows and doing more drugs.

- Back to the fake world again, Jake attacks Randy Savage with a cobra and freaks out the audience. Ted Dibiase's take: "There's not enough money." We skip over the Randy Savage feud entirely and move to Undertaker turning babyface. Jake says that with Pat Patterson leaving the company he asked for the booking job, but Vince turned him down. So Jake admits that he essentially held up Vince for money before Wrestlemania VIII. He took a huge offer from WCW into Vince's office as leverage and then went out and did the job to Undertaker, but when he showed up for work at WCW Bill Watts had taken over and tore up the huge new contract. So he went from making $3 million a year to $200,000.

- Off to WCW and he's immediately put into a main event feud against Sting, but then nothing. Jim Ross to this day doesn't know what happened and why it didn't work out. Jake says that he was given an ultimatum by his wife: The business or the marriage. So he retired.

- Three years later, Jake returns to the WWF out of shape and preaching Jesus. The talking heads all doubt that Jake actually was following that doctrine. Vince notes the irony of Jake's religion giving birth to the biggest star of all time.

- We move onto the tasteless feud with Lawler where King made every joke about alcoholics in his repertoire, leading to a shitty match at Summerslam. Jake notes that he was a little upset that Lawler actually spit whiskey in his face instead of iced tea. Jake was then supposed to move behind the camera as a writer, but his sober phase ended due to a dying family life, and that was it for his career.

- Surprisingly, we talk about Beyond the Mat, as Jake claims that the premise was misrepresented to him as a TV documentary produced to help steer kids away from drugs. Not surprisingly, the talking heads all completely bury the movie, claiming it was produced to make Jake look as pathetic as possible. Not like that would take much.

- Jake on his involvement with ECW in 1997: He doesn't mind making a large sum of money for 30 seconds work.

- Moving on to present day, as Jake returns to RAW in 2005 as part of Randy Orton's Legend Killer tour. And that's where we leave off in terms of his career.

- Jake notes that he's such a loser that he can't even kill himself properly, which is a charming note to end on. Vince's paraphrased take: He could have been a multimillionaire, but he fucked it all up.

What a depressing documentary. Plus it kind of skipped over a lot of important little points and moments and didn't really have much insight other than "sometimes he was drunk but when he wasn't, he was really good." Plus some stuff contradicted itself, like the 1996 period where Jake claimed to be sober at Summerslam, but Ted Dibiase later related a story where he found Jake in the hotel room plastered. Well, Ted Dibiase was long gone well before that Lawler feud even began, so obviously Jake was off the wagon months before Lawler began spitting whiskey at him. Little things like that annoy me. And where was the Rick Martel feud, which dominated most of 1990 for him? Not even a mention! As documentaries go, Beyond the Mat is far superior to this one.

The Extras

Snake Pit match: Jake Roberts v. Ricky Steamboat

Really? This is where we start? No Georgia stuff, or Stampede, or even Florida? Anyway, this is from the Big Event in Toronto. This is no-DQ. Jake attacks to start and gets backdropped, so he bails. Back in, Ricky fires away with chops and gets two. Steamboat works the arm and chops Jake down for two. Back to the arm, but they hit the floor and Jake clips him to take over. They brawl on the floor and exchange chairshots, and Steamboat wins that battle. Back in, Dragon with the flying chop for two. Steamboat pounds away in the corner, but Jake reverses him into the corner and Steamboat bumps to the floor. Jake follows up with a catapult into the post that allows Steamboat to do a wussy blade. Back in, Jake peppers him with rights and hits the short-arm clothesline. DDT is blocked and Ricky fights back with chops, but Jake hits him with an atomic drop and the gutbuster. Arrogant cover gets two, but Steamboat reverses for the pin at 10:15. Well that's kind of a disappointing finish. ***1/4 I should note that this seemed like a better match to me than the edited version on the original Coliseum release of the show, but I gave both matches the same rating.

Jake Roberts v. Honky Tonk Man

From Wrestlemania III, with new commentary by Jim Ross and Jake Roberts. Alice Cooper as Jake's second is the kind of perfect celebrity usage that they're not very good at anymore. Honky's original theme song is left intact here, rather than dubbing in the more familiar song from "Piledriver". This was a pretty hot feud back in the day. Jake attacks and drags him into the ring to start, then kneelifts him out of the ring and sends him back in again. Honky runs away, so Jake slams him on the floor and they head back in again, where Jake charges and hits knee. Honky pounds on the arm, but gets hit with a short clothesline as a result and bails again. Jake follows him for the brawl on the floor, but gets rammed into the post and Honky won't let him back into the ring. Back in, Honky slams him to set up the fistdrop, and he slugs away instead of going for the finish. Elbow and he continues pounding away and wasting time, and finally it's Shake Rattle N Roll, but by then Jake is easily able to reverse out of it. Jake comes back with an inverted atomic drop and slugs away on Honky, which puts Honky into the ropes for the rocking chair spot. DDT time, but Jake gets distracted by Jimmy Hart and Honky rolls him up and grabs the ropes to finish at 7:11. **1/2 Quite a decent little match, especially for having to follow the greatest match in history up until that point.

Jake Roberts v. Rick Rude

From MSG, October 1988, and the stipulation is that whoever gets their finisher first wins. Thank god they didn't put the Wrestlemania match on here instead. Your announcing team: Ron Trongaard, Billy Graham and Lord Alfred Hayes. I could not possibly dream up a worse combination of people, unless you stuck Duke Doherty on there as well. Jake works on the arm to start and goes for the DDT, but Rude slips out of the ring. Hayes actually has a rare moment of adding something to the match, as he notes that you can develop your neck to resist the Rude Awakening, but you can't develop your head to resist the DDT. They slug it out and Rude clotheslines Jake, then hits the chinlock. That goes on for a while, but Jake fights out. He charges and hits knee, however, and both guys are out. Rude goes for the finish, but Jake bites the hand to break. They brawl onto the floor and Jake slams him there, and back in for the comeback. Jake slugs away and gets the gutbuster to set up the DDT, but Rude grabs the ropes to block. Jake hauls him off the ropes by the tights, giving us the full moon, and follows up with the short-arm clothesline. Rude sends him into the corner to block and then sweeps the leg. He goes after Cheryl and prevents a slap, but then decides to go after Jake again, and the DDT ends it at 12:21. This was fine but pretty dull, coming at the tail end of their hot feud. ***

The rest of the extras on the first disc are soundbites from Jake on a variety of topics. His memories of Dynamite Kid coming to him and asking which of Bret Hart's eyes to blacken is pretty funny. They also clear up a longstanding question fans have had: Why didn't we ever get a Hogan-Jake feud? Answer: We did, but they shot an angle where Jake laid Hulk out with a DDT, and the fans CHEERED him, so they did two matches and then dropped it completely. It was just going to hurt both guys in the long run if they continued down that road.

Disc Two

Rick Steamboat & Jake Roberts v. Mike Millar & Jim Nelson

From Mid-Atlantic, September 1981. Most of this match was already shown in the documentary, so this pretty lazy. Jake and Ricky trade off on Nelson's arm and then Jake works on Millar's leg. Steamboat comes in and Nelson goes after the neck, as the jobbers get some token offense in the corner. Steamboat comes back and chops the crap out of Millar, and it's over to Jake for a slam. Millar tags out to Nelson again, but Steamboat chops him down and Roberts finishes with the kneelift and backdrop suplex at 5:35. Nelson would go on to become Boris Zhukov, but otherwise this was a totally non-notable squash.

World TV Title: Jake Roberts v. Ronnie Garvin

From Georgia Championship Wrestling, December 1983. Garvin was the first ever TV champion and dropped it to Jake, and this is a rare (for the time) major title match on TV. Jake works a headlock to start, but gets tossed. Back in, Garvin works a facelock, and I should note that he looks strangely like Greg Valentine with his longer hairstyle at that point. That goes on for a long while, and we take a break. Back with Jake in control and working on Garvin's legs, then adding a slam and kneedrop for two. Garvin comes back with a flying bodypress for two and Jake bails for advice from Paul Ellering. That advice? "Don't get into a drinking contest with Hawk, you'll never win." If only he had listened. Back in, Garvin whips him into the corner and gets a slam and kneedrop, getting some good shots in and working pretty stiff for a TV match. Jake bails to regroup, and now he wants a fistfight with Garvin. He actually wins that battle momentarily, but then Garvin kicks his ass and rolls him up for two. Small package gets two. Garvin misses an elbow and Jake comes back with an atomic drop for two. Garvin uses some ground and pound, but the time limit expires at 10:30 (that must have been some commercial break!) for the draw. Fun match, I guess, but I have no idea why it was included in the extras other than the fact that they used footage from it in the documentary and apparently they're too lazy to find another one. **1/2

Leaping Lanny Poffo v. Jake Roberts

From MSG, March 1986. Lanny lets us know that this is Jake's debut. So there you go. Jake gets a quick slam, but Poffo dropkicks him down. Jake goes to the arm, but Poffo flips off the ropes to break and gets his own armbar. Jake keeps crawling to the bag and then gets a backbreaker to escape before pounding the back. Jake goes to the chinlock and that goes on for a while. They fight to the floor and Poffo tries a dive off the top, but slips and nearly kills himself in the process. Jake, full of sympathy, hiptosses him onto the unpadded floor, and then in for the DDT at 6:42. Big-time debut for Jake here. Not a great match or anything, but he went over huge and the MSG debut of Damian made him into a huge star instantly. **

Jake Roberts v. Earthquake

From Superstars, April 1991. Quake attacks to start, but Jake lets Damian out of the bag right away and Quake runs away. The canned heat is incredibly annoying after listening to the more natural sound mixes of the previous matches. Quake stalls on the floor while the ref makes Jake put the snake away and we waste more time. Yeah, it's 1991 TV so I'm not expecting a classic match, but we all know why this is on here and they might as well just skip all the buildup and cut to the chase if they're including it here. Especially when the match sucks. So Jake finally puts the snake under the ring, but Quake attacks him again and ties him up in the ropes, then BUTT-SPLASHES THE SNAKE! Don't worry, they switched snakes when they were under the ring. The one in the bag is actually a drug dealing snake who murdered his girlfriend and raped children. Even stupider, this version CUTS AWAY from the butt-splash and shows Sean Mooney reacting in horror instead, when they showed the "uncensored" version in the documentary already. This is such incredibly lazy editing from the video division. This angle went nowhere despite the buildup here, as Jake went heel by Summerslam and Earthquake was teamed with Typhoon instead. I don't even remember a blowoff.

Jake Roberts v. some jobber

The guy is never ID'd in the menu (this is listed as "After a match on Superstars…") and finishes under 20 seconds with the DDT. Then we get the angle with Savage running down and getting bitten by a cobra. Yeah, this was brilliant, but WHERE'S THE BLOWOFF MATCH? No Tuesday in Texas, no Saturday Night's Main Event? What an aggravating set.

Coal Miner's Glove match: Jake Roberts v. Sting

From Halloween Havoc 1992. For those who don't know the backstory here, they came up with a pretty interesting idea for the feud in the "Spin the wheel, make the deal" match, but then ran a goofy series of vignettes to build it up and then forgot to gimmick the wheel. So instead of anything interesting, we get the Coal Miner's Glove stipulation, which had nothing to do with the feud. Jake goes for the pole early, but Sting hauls him down and hits him with a right. Jake grabs a headlock and evades a Sting dropkick, then tosses him. They fight on the floor and Sting runs Jake's arm into the post and heads back in. You know what's really weird? Jim Ross is calling this match alone, despite Jesse Ventura clearly sitting there at ringside with him and talking. And there's weird periods of silence, like someone was doing color commentary with Ross but got edited out. Huh. That's weird, isn't it? Maybe that guy who looked like Jesse was just an optical illusion. Jesse should totally cover that one on his conspiracy show. Jake and Sting make attempts at the pole and each drag the other back down, totally failing to build any momentum here. Sting works on the arm, but they fight to the floor and Jake gets a cheapshot to take over, then chokes him out with the wrist tape back in the ring. This is supposed to be a super-heated feud and even the Philly crowd is just sitting quietly and nodding off. Sting comes back with the Stinger splash, but Jake moves and comes back with the short-arm clothesline. DDT finally wakes up the crowd and Sting is out, but now Jake goes for the glove. What the hell kind of sense is that supposed to make? He's already done, pin him. Sting makes a miraculous recovery and knocks Jake off the pole, but Cactus Jack brings Jake a snake while Sting gets the glove. The snake bites Jake by accident and Sting pins him at 10:25. What a god-awful ridiculous finish. 1/2* This prompts another obvious question: Why didn't they put Jack and Jake together and let them do promos every week until one turned on the other? How dumb do you have to be not to run THAT program?

SMW title: Tony Anthony v. Jake Roberts

Holy cow, it's SMW footage! We don't get nearly enough of that on these releases. Not being sarcastic there, by the way, I really love SMW and I wish they got more play on WWE DVDs. Jake starts with a headlock and yanks Anthony down by the hair, then demonstrates on Mark Curtis about how he wasn't actually cheating. Anthony does the same thing to Roberts and then also pleads his case to the ref. Jake keeps going for the patched eye, but Bob Caudle points out that it's not poor sportsmanship because Anthony is literally wearing a target on that body part. That's a refreshing change of pace from a babyface announcer. Anthony recovers and starts with an armbar, then shoulderblocks him down and works a hammerlock on the mat. Jake dumps him, and The Samurai heads out and rips off the eyepatch. This naturally puts Anthony at a disadvantage because of the bright lights, and Jake pounds away in the corner as a result. Jake does the arrogant cover and Anthony reverses for two, but Jake puts him down with an atomic drop again. Jake pounds away in the corner and hauls Anthony to the floor for some verbal abuse, but Tony makes the comeback and slugs Jake down. Big boot and Jake bails, then he lays out a planted photographer and steals the camera. He flashes the camera into Anthony's eyes, and finishes with the DDT at 12:42. "Mama, put the coffee pot on, we're coming home" is my new favorite phrase for the end of a match. Not exactly Jake's best work, but that was a great finish. **1/2

King of the Ring finals: Jake Roberts v. Steve Austin

The reasoning behind having this match as the finals had to do with the backstage stuff, as HHH getting bounced from the tournament meant that they had to redo the finals with the brackets already set. Austin lays Roberts out and pounds on the injured ribs, but Jake fights back and slugs Austin down. Back to the ribs and President Gorilla comes out and wants it stopped. Jake wants to continue and tries to finish with the DDT, but Austin sends him into the corner to reinjure the ribs and it's KICK WHAM STUNNER to make Austin the King at 4:32. Not much of a match, to say the least. 1/2*

Jake Roberts v. Jerry Lawler

And from bad to worse, we go to Summerslam 1996. Lawler cuts a lengthy promo on Roberts and reveals a giant bottle of booze in his bag, so Jake puts the snake on him and sends him running. So Lawler cuts another promo and offers Jake some liquor, but Jake chases him back in. They head outside and Lawler grabs a cool refreshing soda from a fan at ringside and throws it in Jake's face to take over ("Aaaaah! The Fresca BURNS!") and then ties him in the ropes and grabs the WHISKEY BOTTLE OF DOOM. Jake fights him off and goes to finish, but Lawler grabs the ref to block and then hits Jake with the bottle for the pin at 4:05. This was awful and had no place on PPV. -**

- From ECW's Hardcore Heaven PPV, Jake runs in during the Tommy Dreamer v. Jerry Lawler match and lays out both guys. Come on, they already showed this clip in the documentary!

Jake Roberts & Tommy Dreamer v. Justin Credible & Jack Victory

From November to Remember 98. The heels get tossed to start and Tommy brawls with Credible on the floor. Justin gives him an atomic drop onto the railing and stomps a mudhole in the corner, then tosses Dreamer to the ramp. Back in, DDT from Justin and Dreamer gets sent to the ramp again for more abuse from the three-ring circus of managers that Heyman gave Credible. Seriously, the dude has Lance Wright, Nicole Bass, Chastity AND Jason all at ringside with him. Dreamer fights back with a DDT on Jason and superplexes Justin, but Credible comes back with Raven's drop toehold on the chair. Roberts comes in and beats up Chastity while Dreamer recovers, and the Dreamer Driver on Credible sets up the hot tag to Jake. For some reason, Jason has now replaced Jack Victory in the match with little explanation forthcoming. The faces look to finish, but One Man Gang and Rod Price run in now and beat them down. This prompts New Jack and Kronus to run in for the babyface side and the usual stupid brawl erupts. This makes me wonder: Will we ever see another New Jack match on WWE DVD? I wonder not because I'd want to see one, but because they'd have to edit his music out of the entire match. Out of all the chaos, Dreamer gets a frog splash on Credible for two and piledrives Chastity. Jake DDTs Bass, but Credible hits him in the anaconda. Jake recovers and DDTs Credible on a ladder for the pin at 13:09. Total garbage. -**

And finally, we get a series of vignettes and interviews from the WWF, most notably the series of "tests" for the Ultimate Warriors that culminates with Jake turning on him and leaving him to die in a room full of snakes, as we learn that Undertaker and Roberts were in cahoots all along. Warrior, supposedly in his normal clothing here, dresses exactly the same except for khaki shorts instead of tights. Otherwise, he's still got the makeup and arm tassels. Knowing what we do now, they probably should have killed off the Warrior character here.

The Pulse

What a shitty, lazy DVD this was. The documentary was OK, if depressing and not particularly insightful, but the bonus matches were seemingly picked at random and most were terrible. Strong recommendation to avoid, pick up Beyond the Mat instead.

February 18, 2010

The Impact Zone - Orlando, Florida

-  Well with the announcement of TNA returning to Monday nights in March, I am kind of excited.  Maybe this will be the shot in the arm for TNA.  Also, on a side note, if there is no Impact Review next week, it is because I am in the process of moving to Knoxville.  At least now, I will be able to see the Blackhawks play when they travel to Nashville.  Does anyone actually go to Predator games?  Onto the show!

-  Let's kick off Impact with Eric Bischoff alluding to a stealing talent from the WWE.  Rumor has it they want Edge.  He may get lost in the shuffle, but at least he is a Tampa boy, so he might get special treatment.  Now we get a an Against All Odds video recap.  Then followed up by the announcement of Impact starting on Monday nights at 9PM on March 8.

"LORD OF THE RING"

-  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

-  Welp...here comes the Pope!  Pope gets the crowd going, 80's style.  It's all because "Pope is pimpin!".  Pope defied the odds and obstacles to become the number one contender to the TNA Championship.  The only thing standing in the way of his "biggest bling" is Arthur "I Have No Class" Jackson and Dick Flair.  Haha.  I mean, come on, what wrestling fan hasn't called him Dick Flair at least once in their life.  Even Pope laughed at himself and calls Flair a dick.  Pope gives himself his own moniker about pimp slapping.  Crowd pops.  Out comes AJ Styles and Dick err, Ric Flair.  Oh yeah and Flair is joined by some serious yaks.  Flair holds the ropes for AJ and I laugh because he holds the bottom rope instead of the second rope.  Flair berates Pope and says his name is RIC Flair.  AJ sports some new blonde highlights.  Flair says he was bling before there was bling.  Flair alludes to being with all the women and AJ since last Sunday, but comes across as saying he had a sexual marathon with just AJ.  Pope calls Flair a dick again.  Pope says Flair can take the biggest piece of crap put a suit on it, but it still is a piece of crap.  Flair comes back and make several racial comments about Pope and his poor parents.  Pope says all those women are exhausted because they were riding the "Soul Line Express" all night.  Pope attacks AJ and Flair comes to AJ's aid.  Flair knees Pope low and then stands him up and low blows him again.  Didn't people use to say Flair could have a wrestling match with a broom?  I am not so sure because a broom doesn't have a crotch.  Flair brings in a chair ad Pillmanizes the leg of the Pope.  AJ slaps on the Figure Four.  Bell is ringing.  We'll be right back.

-  Back on TNA and we see what happened just moments ago to the Pope.  Then we see the announcement of Impact go to Mondays at 9, starting March 8. 

1.  Daffney vs. Tara (With Poison; not the band, the spider)

-  Wow, forgot all about Daffney.  So the bell rings in this non-title affair.  Daffney goes for a right hand and Tara ducks and drops her with a TKO into a sidewalk slam.  Daffney right back up with a uppercut and chop.  Tara answers with a back drop.  Tara loses the shirt and runs into a back heel kick.  Daffney with several hair veels.  Daffney kicks her out of the ring.  On the outside, Daffney rams her in the barrier.  Tara backs her off and Dafney grabs a tool box and clocks Tara with it for the DQ @ 2:21.  (If Daffney didn't gain any offense I would have given it a DUD, but I'll be generous and give it a D-.)  After the match, Daffney drop a guardrail across Tara and slams a chair on top of her.  Dr. Stevie (forgot all about him too) comes out and carries off a screaming Daffney.

-  In the back, Mick Foley walks into Eric Bischoff's office.  He apologizes for not using his barbed wire bat on Abyss at AAO.  Bischoff says it's ok and has two people measure Foley for new clothes.  There are gonna have a "Mick Makeover".  Foley suggests a sports coat he saved from his wedding.  Bischoff tells the two assistants to take Mick shopping.  Foley leaves and calls for Abyss to come up to his office.  We'll be right back.

-  Back on TNA and we see Kevin Nash arriving to the Impact Zone. 

2.  Orlando Jordan (with his boyfriend and girlfriend; I know; I know) vs. Samoa Joe

-  In the back, we see Bischoff daring Joe to impress him.  OJ misses a charge and Joe beats him down in the corner.  Joe hits a hard charging elbow. OJ hits a thumb to the eye and Joe catches him with a spinning heel kick off the ropes.  Cover gets 2.  Crowd chant Joe's gonna kill you.  Joe chops OJ down.  OJ catches him with a spinebuster.  OJ stomps away and choke Joe.  Spinning neck breaker, drops and elbow and O...J...high jumping knee.  Cover gets 2.  OJ wrenches in on a chinlock.  Joe elbows out and hits a clothesline.  High back body drop.  Joe hits a running knee right in the face,  Joe sets OJ up top and beats the hell of him.  Joe backs off and OJ hits a back stabber off the top for the win @ 3:25.  (C-.  Leave it for TNA to get Joe over for a about 5 minutes before burying him.)

-  In the back Abyss is with JB and is worried about seeing Eric Bischoff.  We'll be right back. 

-  Back on TNA and Abyss is in Bischoff's office.  Bischoff is mad that the bat didn't get used.  Abyss didn't want to hurt Foley, but he slammed him into the thumbtacks.  Bischoff's first order of business is to get rid of Abyss's mask.  Tonight he will get rid of his mask. 

-  Christy Hemme is with Eric Young.  Young says Nash wants to talk to the Band directly.

-  Back on TNA and we see Bischoff walk into Jeff Jarrett's locker room with the barbed wire bat.  He wanted to see the bat used at AAO, but it didn't.  So tonight he wants Jarrett to use it tonight on Abyss in their match. 

3.  Doug Williams, Motor City Machine Guns, & Brian Kendrick vs.  Generation Me, Amazing Red, & Kazarian

-  Good to see Mr. Traci Brooks back in action.  Doug Williams attacks Kaz before the bell.  Kaz out of the Irish Whip and leapfrogs out of the corner and drives Williams down.  Kendrick comes in and the bell rings?  Kaz backdrops Kendrick.  Kaz tags out and in comes Generation Me.  They throw Kendrick into the ropes, and hit him with an arm drag and double drop kick.  Alex Shelley comes in and and rolls up Max but no count.  He works the arm and tags in Sabin.  Double senton and cover gets 2.  Sabin shoots him into the corner and Max flips out and tags in Red.  Red with a roll up and gets 2.  Red turns through and plants him with a DDT.  Sabin up and hits the running knee.  Williams back in and hits a running knee.  Williams goes up top and Red kicks him off the top. In comes Kaz and he hits a spinning heel kick.  Kaz floats over and hits a spinning neck breaker.  Generation Me hit Kendrick on the outside with a plancha.  Sabin in and drills Kaz.  Red hits a double drop kick on MCMG.  Red WILL FLY!!!  Williams charges KAz and Kaz with a slingshot back in to a DDT!!!  Kaz pins Williams @ 4:09.  (B-.  Good X Division showcase tonight.)

-  In the back, Abyss is freaking!!!  Slick Johnson tells him he can't leave and has a match, NEXT!

4.  Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett

-  Out comes Jarrett sans guitar.  Jarrett does have the barbed wire bat, though.  Bell rings and Abyss take Jarrett down with a shoulder block.  Jarrett ducks the second and eats a clothesline.  Jarrett leaps out of an Irish whip and Abyss catches him and goes for the Shock Treatment and Jarrett escapes.  Jarrett connects with a drop kick.  Jarrett with the corner mount and Abyss hits an inverted atomic drop.  Jarrett clotheslines him out of the ring.  Jarrett slams him into the guardrail.  Jarrett sets up a chair.  Abyss drops him face first down on the chair.  Abyss comes back in and wedges the chair in between the ropes in the corner.  Jarrett back in and Abyss attempts the Irish whip and Jarrett stops and a double clothesline.  Both men down.  Out comes Bischoff to observe.  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 

  Back on TNA at the 9:00 mark and Abyss connects with the sidewalk slam on Jarrett.  Abyss charges the corner and eats boot.  Jarrett goes airborne and gets caught in the choke slam.  Cover gets 2.  Abyss misses an elbow drop.  Jarrett shoots him in goes behind Abyss and nails THE STROKE.  Jarrett picks him up and sends him HEADFIRST INTO THE CHAIR IN THE CORNER!  Jarrett has the bat.  He hesitates and throws it down in front of Bischoff.  Bischoff has the mic and calls out a bunch of goons to attack Jarrett and Abyss.  This garners a draw @ 11:53.  (C+.  Not a bad match.  Would have worked for a great pay-per-view match.)  Raven, Homicide, Tomko, Rhino, and Desmond Wolfe hold Abyss for Bischoff to unmask him. 

  Out comes Hulk Hogan.  Hogan stops on the ramp and crosses his arm as Bischoff heels off.  Hogan comes in the ring and tells Abyss to get his ass back to his office.  Hogan leaves the ring we'll be right back.

-  Back on TNA and we see what happened right before the break.  We see Abyss being escorted to Hogan's office. 

5.  British Invasion vs.  Beer Money, Incorporated (What, no Boozer Cruiser?!?!?)

-  Rob Terry finally sporting the TNA Global Title on television.  Storm starts with Magnus.  Magnus has a headlock and Magnus drops him down.  Storm comes off the ropes and connects with a big right.  Coming out of the corner, Terry hits Storm with a clothesline.  Terry tags in and hits a running powerslam on Storm.  Magnus back in and covers for 2.  Terry back in hits a running charge in the corner on Storm.  Magnus tags himself back in and runs into a jawbreaker.  Roode comes in and face plants Magnus.  Spinebuster by Roode and Storm comes in and double suplexes Terry.  BEER, MON-EY!  Roode backdrops Storm over the top on Terry.  DWI on Magnus will finish it @ 2:48.  (C-.  Beer Money are the future, that's as high as I can rate a glorified squash.)  BIG ROB TERRY and Brutus Magnus have words.  Magnus calls him a disgrace.  Magnus calls him his superior and slaps BIG ROB TERRY.  Magnus says the belt belongs to him and BIG ROB TERRY drops him with a clothesline. 

-  In the back, Nash waits for the Band to arrive and we'll be right back.

-  Back on TNA and Abyss is with Hulk Hogan.  Hogan screams at Abyss to sit down.  He kicks Bischoff out.  Hogan is tried of Abyss cowering.  Hogan asks Abyss if he really is a monster.  He says he is Hulk Hogan and he is bigger than any monster.  Hogan shows him his Hall of Fame ring and says it is the only thing that never left him.  He gives it to Abyss.  He says that will give him the power he needs.  Hogan says that will make him the god of wrestling.  Wait, I don't know about all of that!  Abyss puts the ring on and screams and transforms on screen. 

6.  Daniels vs. Kurt Angle

-  No hype, no nothing for this match.  Angle is moving real slow and Daniels sees that and capitalizes before the bell.  He beats Angle down in the corner.  Ref has to step in twice to stop him.  Angle comes back out of the corner and Daniels drops him and covers for 2.  Angle with a go behind and Daniels sunset flips him and Angle grabs on the ANKLE LOCK.  Daniels tries for the ropes and Angle pulls him away.  And @ only 1:05, Angle is your winner.  (D+.  Glorified squash.)  Angle has the mic and says that he is pissed off.  He is pissed off at what Anderson did with his dog tag at AAO.  Angle goes into why the tag means so much to him, but he breaks down and cries for a moment.  It was given to him by a soldier in Ft. Hood, Texas and Angle reads an inscription on it called "The Warrior".  I hope this isn't about Jim Hellwig.  Angle takes personal offense to Anderson cutting and spitting on the tag.  Angle vows to make Anderson bleed.  (Oh he can, too.)  Angle says he will see Anderson in hell.  Out comes Mr. Anderson and we will be right back.

-  Back on TNA and I would rather have Nash on tv right now than Anderson.  Anderson mocks Angle crying.  Anderson is amazed how much Angle can suck up to all the fans.  He is proud that he made Angle bleed.  He calls Angle a peacock (I don't know why) and challenges him to come fight him at the entrance.  Angle runs up to him and they brawl at the entrance.  Anderson takes his hanging microphone and blasts Angle right in the cut on his forehead.  He welcomes Angle to Total Nonstop Anderson....~ANDERSON~!!!!!!!  We'll be right back.

-  Back on TNA and Samoa Joe is leaving with JB following him.  He asks if Bischoff got in his head before the match against OJ.  Suddenly three guys in black hooded sweat shirts attack Joe and throw him in a van and drive off. 

-  Making their way into the Impact Zone are Eric Young and Kevin Nash.  Nash says that about 17 years ago he decided to be friends with Waltman and Hall.  He says that 10 years ago, he bought a black suit because he figured he would be putting one of them in the dirt.  He says he has tried to do everything to keep them employed.  He wants them to find their way in the building like they have for the last three weeks.  Nash calls himself the big grey-haired son of a bitch standing in the ring.  Out comes Hall with a red bandana tied around his head.  Waltman looking like Kirk Hammet.  Young flies out of the ring at Waltman.  Hall gets in the ring and tosses the toothpick in Nash's face.  Nash drops Hall and security steps in.  Crowd and Tenay want to see them fight.  Hulk Hogan walks out to the top of the ramp and stares at Nash.  Nash screams, "I'll see you bitches next week....next week it's on!".  Show ends.

FINAL THOUGHTS

-  I liked how they let Pope shine bright in the opening segment.  Gotta admit, if TNA never gets another thing right, they figured out how to get Pope over.  AJ is still struggling to get over, as they are using Flair as the mouthpiece for him.  Which shows why he never really needed to accompany Triple H to the ring all those years.  The Nash/Young-Hall/Waltman feud does have me intrigued.  They are even making Nash look good.  Anderson is drawing real heat as well, but I can see the blow off match happening at Lockdown.  Hopefully, I will be back next week, but if not, I will be back in two.

- Live from New Orleans, LA.

- Your hosts are JIM BY GOD ROSS and JERRY THE BY GOD KING LAWLER.

- Earlier tonight on Heat, Lo Down beat Kaientai in a match to determine which of the four would enter the Royal Rumble.

- Opening match, WWF tag team titles: Edge & Christian v. The Dudley Boyz. Brawl to start. Dudleyz quickly take over on Christian. D-Von gets an elbow for two. Buh Buh’s elbowdrop gets two. Sideslam gets two. D-Von takes a cheapshot from the outside and gets suplexed to play brother-in-peril. Edge neckbreaker gets two, and we HIT THE CHINLOCK to slow things down. D-Von rams them into each other and rolls Edge up for two. Conchairto, but D-Von ducks it, and makes the hot tag to Buh Buh. Hotshot for Edge, full nelson drop for Christian. They hit the Wassup Drop on Edge, and D-Von…GETS THE TABLE. Whoops, Christian is there to prevent it and they brawl as Buh Buh rolls up a distracted Edge for two. They try 3D on Christian, but Edge spears Buh Buh as Christian DDTs D-Von. Edge and Christian try their own version of the Wassup Drop, but Buh Buh rolls Christian onto the bottom and he takes the headbutt to the nads, leaving Edge alone with the Dudleyz for 3D, and we have NEW champions at 10:10. Well, they had to job the champs here, because if they won this match then it would have been the New Age Outlaws situation all over again, where the champs are SO dominant that only a super-team like Rockertaker can beat them. This match, though, was VERY good and got the crowd right fired up. ***1/2

- Ladder match, Intercontinental title: Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho. Jericho gets a clothesline and some wicked CANADIAN VIOLENCE in the corner to start. Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Jericho rolls into the Walls of Jericho. Eh, that spot is played. Benoit posts him and hits a shoulderbreaker, and Jericho comes back with a forearm. He tries the springboard dropkick, but Benoit moves out of the way. They head for the ladder, but Benoit sends him headfirst to the post and grabs the ladder. Jericho goes to the stairs for good measure and Benoit sets up the ladder for the first try. Jericho stops him with an electric chair drop off the ladder. Before you even write me, an electric chair drop is where a guy is sitting on your shoulders in chicken-fight position, and you fall back, dropping the guy on his back. Jericho grabs the ladder and rams it into Benoit’s head, and then again to the abs. He sets the ladder onto the top turnbuckle, but Benoit whips him into it to return the favor. Jericho bails and Benoit chases with a tope suicida, but Jericho absolutely DESTROYS him with a chairshot in mid-air. Benoit is insane to do that spot. Jericho suplexes him on the railing and tries to ride the ladder down onto him, but Benoit moves and rams the ladder into Jericho’s face for fun. Back in, Benoit gets a lariat and retrieves the ladder. He rams Jericho into it, shoulderfirst in the corner, but a second try is reversed. Dropkick puts Benoit down, and Jericho crotches him in the ladder’s rungs in the corner. They both fall backwards, with the ladder on top of them. Jericho grabs it first, but Benoit dropkicks it on him and hits a backdrop suplex. He puts the ladder on the top, but Jericho whips him into it again, then see-saws the ladder into Benoit’s jaw. Jericho pushes the ladder at Benoit and missile dropkicks it into him, then climbs for the belt. Benoit suplexes him right out of the ring! Yeah, that’s some quality Alberta-grade hurting. Benoit climbs, but Jericho pushes him backwards so he’s balanced on the top on his lower back, and then applies the Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder! Big reaction from the crowd for that one. Benoit kicks the ladder over with his last bit of energy and we have a double-KO spot. Jericho gets the ladder first and flattens Benoit, but Benoit yanks him off it and puts him in the Crossface on the way down to further damage the shoulder. Back to the post, but Jericho hotshots him onto the ladder. Jericho rams him into the corner with the ladder, and they both climb it. Jericho falls off, but Benoit misses the swandive headbutt from the top of the ladder. Jericho tries putting the ladder right ONTO Benoit to hold him down, but Benoit powers it off and pushes it over. He climbs, but Jericho gets a chair and goes to town, knocking Benoit silly, and then right out of the ring, leaving Jericho free to climb the ladder (bad shoulder and all) and claim his fourth Intercontinental title at 18:48. Nothing does my heart good like two Canadians pounding the shit out of each other with hardware. ****3/4 Would have been a bit higher with a faster pace and less of the slow-climb nonsense.

- WWF Women’s title: Ivory v. Chyna. Chyna goes all Ultimate Warrior to start, treating poor Ivory like a jobber and bumping her all over the place. She stomps a mudhole, then sends her over the top. Into the crowd, Chyna press-slams Ivory back to ringside and back in we go for a crappy-looking powerslam. Steven Richards comes in and is forced to sell for Joanie Hellwig, too. She goes for the HANDSPRING OF DOOM, but the bitter hand of irony strikes her down, as the shock of actually making physical contact on one of her moves causes a relapse of that miraculously healed neck injury, and Ivory gets the pin at 3:33. So the WWF is trying to tell me here that she can do three backflips with a bad neck, but brushing against Ivory causes a stinger? DUD They haul her ass out on the stretcher, with Ross doing his whole “Fans, this is a SHOOT, and a tragedy…” shtick just to cheapen the impact even more the next time a REAL injury occurs and then the muckity-mucks are forced to wonder why no one buys it. I’m shocked Chyna didn’t try to sell the EMTs a copy of her book on the way out. Hey, remember Droz? Apparently the WWF doesn’t. We were personally hoping for them to load her into the ambulance, only to see the Undertaker turning around to go “WHERE TO, JOANIE?” in that menacing tone of his, but alas, it didn’t happen. Final note: I’d bring up the last time Jerry Lawler ran into the ring to check on the victim of a bad injury while Jim Ross got all choked up at ringside, but then I’d be forced to vomit all over my keyboard and point out what a socially diseased piece of garbage Vince McMahon really is under all the PR fluff for doing such an angle right after settling a multi-million dollar lawsuit and destroying an entire family in the process. And that would just break up the great groove this show is getting into.

- Just to catch y’all up on some stuff, there’s about a million backstage skits throughout the show, the point of which are to establish Drew Carey is at the show, and he hit on Trish Stratus at the urging of Stephanie, and Vince is thus pissed at him and “rewards” his loyalty to the WWF by offering him a slot in the Royal Rumble. Drew runs into Kane while changing and makes a wisecrack, and meanwhile Vince then informs Lo Down that Drew has their spot in the match. And Trish and Steph hate each other. A lot. I still think if the WWF really wants to hit the sleaze-merchant jackpot, they’ll have them start a torrid love affair with each other (I assume Trish would be the femme), but I guess the world isn’t ready for a lesbian angle yet. Speaking of lesbians, I was watching a crime-analysis show on TLC (normally the domain of Bill Kurtis on A&E) that was hosted by crime novelist Ed McBain, talking about the famous Lizzy Borden trial (and acquital). After bandying about several conspiracy theories about who REALLY killed the Borden family, McBain put forth his own theory: Lizzy in fact did it, because she was a raging homo inside and got caught in bed with the maid one day, thus prompting her father to write her out of the will and triggering Lizzy’s murderous rampage with a hatchet. I hear Jerry Springer wants to exhume the bodies of everyone involved and have them on an upcoming show: “My Lesbian Daughter is Sleeping With the Maid and Murdered Me With a Hatchet!” So there you go, all caught up.

- WWF title match: Kurt Angle v. HHH. Wristlock sequence to start, and Angle gets a hiptoss. HHH bails. Back in, HHH pounds him down in the corner, but Angle backdrops him and goes back to the arm. Three suplexes get two. Brawl outside, which HHH gets the best of. Backin, HHH drop toeholds Angle into a Native American deathlock. This political correctness stuff is going too far. I hear Bill Maher got in trouble for comparing the mentally retarded to dogs. Now, I can see where certain pinko liberalists might get their panties in a knot over this comparison, and certainly I don’t think people should go start referring to them as dogs in an off-hand manner, but can anyone honestly tell me whose good is being served by standing up for the feelings of people who probably wouldn’t even be watching the show in the first place, and likely wouldn’t get the analogy if they heard it? And is there some scientific inaccuracy here? I mean, the truth hurts, but there are some VERY smart dogs out there on the average, and it’s not exactly an unfair analogy for Maher to state that, like a dog, the mentally retarded people he has known had limited intellect, but were loving and loyal. I mean, what, if he had compared them to a cuter animal it would have been okay? And where are these same tree-hugging morons to stand up for truth, justice and the American Way when someone lumps all the wrestling fans together as knuckle-dragging neanderthals on a national broadcast and laughs about it? Maybe the energy spent protecting us plebes from free thought would be better spent improving the conditions and treatment in the mental hospitals and institutions where most of those afflicted with mental retardation are sent to rot, hmm? Or is just easier to pretend that they have no problem and are happier with a child’s IQ and no hope for surviving past 50, as long as we call them “Mentally Challenged” or “Vince Russo” or whatever the PC name is this week? Ah well, the world is going to hell, what can ya do? Oh yeah, the match. Hunter gets a legwhip, but Angle gives him an enzuigiri on a second try and gets two. HHH goes back to the knee as the announcers’ conversation veers to Andy Kaufman and how little money Man on the Moon made. HHH bails, but an attempt to post Angle from the outside backfires. Brawl outside, HHH meets the stairs. Back in, Angle misses a blind charge and gets posted, and HHH adds a chairshot to the knee for good measure. He drops Angle kneefirst on the stairs, then back for a clip. He pounds the knee, ala Ric Flair. I apologize in advance to any HHH advocates out there for comparing him to an aging, semi-retired ex-star currently wrestling in WCW. I further apologize in advance to any Flair advocates out there for comparing him to a gassed up, egomanical manipulator with a limited moveset and bad music. If, in the body of the previous two apologies I have offended either HHH or Flair advocates while apologizing to the opposite number, I apologize in advance also. Man, this political correctness stuff is complicated. Is there some kind of “Spirtual Enlightenment For Dummies” book out there I can brush up on so I too can find my inner child, move to Florida and vote Democrat? I hear Chyna’s book is a good start. On second thought, I think I’d rather just poke my own eyes out. HHH goes into a weird deathlock variation, and Angle fights out, but walks into a facebuster. HHH slaps a figure-four on him and uses the ropes, but Trish gets involved and suddenly a HUGE catfight with Stephanie erupts, drawing about 100x more heat than the match. They’re impressively banging each other around outside the ring and seem to ready to move onto clawing each others’ eyes out, but Vince struts out to stop them. They continue fighting right around him, drawing a big pop from the crowd. Vince finally resorts to putting Trish over his shoulder and carrying her out, but Steph knocks them over and goes to town again, before everyone eventually makes it back to the dressing room. Everyone suddenly remembers the match ongoing, as Angle gets a small package for two. He shoves HHH to the post on a figure-four attempt, and they slug it out. DDT gets two. Atomic drop & german suplex get two. Russian legsweep sets up a trip to the top, which HHH prevents via a Razor’s Edge (!!!) for two. The conspiracist in me would go “Hmmmm” right about now. Pedigree attempt is blocked with a slingshot, which is in turn blocked by HHH, which in turn accidentally countered by Angle with a lowblow. Moonsault gets two for Angle. Hunter dumps him and the ref is bumped. Hunter posts Angle…and goes to the top? Angle armdrags him off, no ref. Angle goes to help him up, but the poor sap gets bumped AGAIN. HHH grabs the belt, but Angle meets him with a belly-to-belly. HHH comes back with the Pedigree, no ref. Steve Austin runs in, tosses the ref back in, KICK WHAM STUNNER and Angle gets the pin to retain at 24:12. See, now that’s the finish that Austin-Angle from RAW should have had. Although a clean finish on a PPV is infinitely preferable, especially when Angle is turning into Honky Tonk Man 2000 with all the cheap wins and frequent non-title jobs. Overbooking stupidity and crowd apathy aside, this was much better worked than the Unforgiven match. ***3/4

- Royal Rumble: Jeff Hardy is #1, Bull Buchanan is #2. Bull pounds Jeff, who comes back with a headscissors. Jeff escapes a press slam, but gets pounded in the corner. They to put each other out, as Matt Hardy is #3. They bounce Bull in short order. Matt and Jeff go at it, as Jeff hits a jawbreaker and tries to put him out. Faarooq is #4, and he misses the Dominator and takes the Twist of Fate/Swanton finisher and goes over the top quickly after. Matt then dumps Jeff, who sneaks back in under the ropes. They square off again as Drew Carey is #5, and hangs out around the ring for a couple of minutes. The Hardyz eliminate each other and Drew celebrates. Until Kane comes in at #6, at which point he craps himself. He tries a bribe, then resorts to cowering until Raven comes at #7, allowing Drew the chance to graciously eliminate himself and get the hell out. Kane kills Raven, so he bails and starts tossing weapons into the ring in desperation. Al Snow is #8, as he nails Kane with the bowling ball and hits the SEVEN-TEN SPLIT OF DEATH on Raven. Raven & Snow put aside their differences to pound on Kane with trashcans, and ram him headfirst into one. Perry Saturn is #9, as he joins in and makes it 3-on-1. Kane fights them off, but a Raven sleeper puts him down. Steve Blackman is #10, and he blows the entire plan by attacking the other guys and allowing everyone to pair off. Grandmaster Sexay is #11, and he gets some shots in before Kane whacks him so hard with a trashcan that he flies right over the top. Kane then dumps Snow, Raven, Blackman and Saturn for good measure, ending the hardcore segment and leaving him alone. Honky Tonk Man is #12, and he stops to thank the crowd and sing his song. Kane of course destroys him and tosses him out. Funny stuff. Rock is #13. He lays the smack down, but can’t toss Kane. Kane pounds him and hits the big boot. Goodfather is #14…or, I mean, he WAS #14, leaving in about that many seconds via the Rock. Kane suplexes Rock and chokes him out, then hits a sideslam. Tazz is #15, and lasts even less than Goodfather. Kane continues beating on Rock. Bradshaw is #16. He’s more than happy to go after Kane, Rock and anyone else. Rock hits a spinebuster, then Kane lariats him. Albert is #17, as everyone pairs off and plays “You lay on the top rope and I’ll try to push you out” for a bit. Hardcore Holly is #18, and takes the brunt of the punishment. Rock dumps Kane, but can’t get him off the apron. K-Kwik is #19 and looks lost. Match slows down a LOT here as the ring is filling up with too much deadwood. Val Venis is #20 and adds nothing. William Regal is #21, match still drags. Test is #22 and he tosses Regal, but there’s about 10 guys in there and nothing’s going on. Big Show makes his return at #23, which must indicate how many boxes of Ho-Hos he ate that morning, because he’s still pretty goddamned fat and slow. Remind me not to look up OVW for any weight-training solutions. He disposes of Test and K-Kwik, then hands out chokeslams like candy. Albert! Bradshaw! Venis! Holly! Kane! Rock…no wait, Rock in fact blocks it and dumps Big Show. Crash Holly is #24, as Big Show drags Rock out and chokeslams him through the table. Oh, GOODIE, another Big Show-Rock feud. Maybe we can get another four-way at Wrestlemania, with Austin taking Mick Foley’s place. Wouldn’t that be KEEN? Everyone suddenly gets smart and goes after Kane, to no avail. Undertaker is #25, and thank god because maybe he’ll thin out all the extra bodies. Bradshaw, Albert, Crash, Hardcore and Venis all exit stage left, leaving the Brothers Grim alone to compare hair-care notes. Scotty 2 Hotty has the misfortune of being #26, and he dies without putting up much of a fuss. The crowd, possibly expecting him to make a big comeback and hit a double-Worm on both guys, seems more bummed than usual to see him tossed. Rock struggles back in as Steve Austin is #27, and right on cue HHH runs out and beats the bejesus out of him. Billy Gunn is #28, and he holds off UT & Kane as the refs drag Hunter away from Austin. UT gets a DDT on Rock, and THE MONSTERMENG (re-dubbed Haku) is #29. You know, it’s so funny and darkly ironic when WCW spends tons of money smugly stealing all of Paul Heyman’s uncontracted talent, only to put a singles title on a guy with a day-to-day working deal and then expect the WWF NOT to make him a solid offer to jump ship at the earliest possible opportunity. Strike One on Uncle Eric right off the bat. Not a good sign. Anyhoo, he blitzes UT and Kane, but gets double-teamed, and everyone pairs off. Rikishi is #30, and we’re one sibling away from an Islanders reunion, and two away from a Headshrinker reunion. Throw Barbarian in there, and you’ve reunited the Headshinkers 2.0 AND the Faces of Fear at the same time. Spooky, huh? Rikishi stops to brawl with a bloodied Austin, and this awakes the giant. Austin enters the match and beats the hell out of Billy Gunn, then dumps Haku. Rock goes out, under the ropes, and back in again. Rikishi superkicks Undertaker out, nonchalantly. He tries the same approach with Rock on a banzai drop, but gets dumped over and out for his troubles.

- Final Four: Steve Austin, The Rock, Kane, Billy Gunn. Gee, I wonder who goes first here? Austin disposes of Rockabilly soon enough, leaving Kane to take a breather and THE MEGAPOWERS EXPLODE! So I guess Kane is Akeem and Undertaker is Big Bossman? But who’s Elizabeth? Slugfest and the crowd is torn. Rock Bottom is blocked, KICK WHAM STUNNER. Kane goes after Austin, but gets Thesz-pressed. Austin walks into a Rock Bottom, and Rock tosses Kane…THROUGH the ropes, so no go. Austin and Rock pound each other, but Kane sneaks up to dump both, only getting Rock out in the process (!!!). Man, there goes my sure-fire pick. Chokeslam for Austin and Kane gets a chair, but it’s KICK WHAM STUNNER again, and a bunch of chairshots send Kane to the floor at 61:38 after an admirable 55-minute performance, and Steve Austin will be YOUR challenger for the WWF title at Wrestlemania 17. Good Rumble, with a bunch of very noticeable slow spots. ***1/2

The Bottom Line: Everyone in the entire world save the WWF seems to know that Austin turning heel, winning the title, and losing it to Rock at WM is the way to sell out the building and make billions on the PPV, but they seem to going about it in the opposite direction, building to another Rocky job to Austin. I would personally question Austin as a long-term babyface given his health issues, but if they have confidence in the guy, that’s good enough for me.

At any rate, booking qualms aside, this was an AWESOME PPV, the best they’ve done since Summerslam 2000. We’ll ignore the Women’s title debacle and point out the sheer awesomeness of all the other matches, and I heartily recommend ordering the replay and watching Benoit and Jericho do inhumane things to each other with a ladder. Good effort all around here.

Thumbs way up.

January 4, 2010

Orlando, Florida

-Well folks, this is it.  I have listened to Bubba the Love Sponge hype this show all day on Sirius, so let's not waste anytime and see what develops.

-We start with a video package showing all the debuts that impacted TNA which leads into HULK HOGAN and 28 "WHATCHA GONNA DO's". 

"TIME FOR A CHANGE"

-Pyro and more pyro and we are live!  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

-Tonight, the Steel Asylum.  ODB vs. Tara for the Knockouts Championship.  Rhino vs. Abyss in a Barbed Wire Massacre.  Beer Money face British Invasion in Full Metal Mayhem. 

-Speaking of Bubba the Love Sponge, he is the new broadcast colleague.  Bubba is interviewing fans about what they wanna see in TNA.  Bubba is sporting too much hair gel, or some bad hair plugs.  A lot of Vince McMahon derogatory comments. 

STEEL ASYLUM

1.  Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Homicide vs. Kiyoshi vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Suicide vs. Amazing Red

-First man to escape the Asylum will win it.  Red enters last sporting a belt too big for his frame, much like Christian.  Bell rings and we have ourselves a Pier Sixer.  Suicide heads up top quick and is brought down by Creed.  Lethal hits a Tilt a Whirl on Sabin.  Lethal is headed up and so is Sabin.  Kiyoshi and Lethal fight it out up top.  Shelley is almost out.  Here comes Lethal and hammers away on Shelley and Shelley grabs his head with his legs.  Taz and Tenay are lost.  All 8 men back in the ring.  Sabin splits the uprights on Lethal's face!!!!  Suicide is headed up to the opening and Red follows.  They come back down to top rope.  Red with a SOMERSAULT HURICARANA on SABIN!!  Homicide is knocking suckas out with a retractable baton.  He nails Kiyoshi and the BELL RINGS @ 4:04!?  WHAT!?  Homicide isn't done as he climbs through the top as the fans scream "THIS IS BULLSHIT!".  I agree.  Homicide is struggling to get through this opening.  The other competitors are chasing him and he falls back down into the ring.  The bell continues to ring and music hits.  IT'S JEFF HARDY!!!!!!!!  Homicide attacks him and Jeff gives some half ass return shots.  JEFF KILLS HIM SQUARE IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CHAIR!!!! Jeff climbs the Asylum and the fans are gonna bananas!  (The match itself gets a C-, the surprise that match set up was amazing.)

-We are back and we see what happened prior to the break with Jeff Hardy.  Backstage he runs into Shannon Moore sans the mohawk.  Once again, your hosts are The Professor and FTW13.  We see a police escort and a white limo as Hogan is coming! 

-Backstage Kevin Nash is with Christy Hemme.  Nash makes a few sexual comments and says this is an epic night for TNA.  Nash is trying to be serious for a moment, but all the Xanax and booze make it all unclear for me.  Something about Einstein and Hogan.  Add cocaine into that cocktail too.  Nash is inebriated.  He just talked to Hogan and says he is on his way and is not alone.

TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP

2.  ODB (with Flask) vs. Tara (with Tarantula)

-ODB attacks before the bell and chokes Tara.  Big chop into the corner by ODB.  Tara fights back and kicks her away and nails a flying clothesline.  Tara with a stiff right and ODB answers.  Back and forth they go until Tara hits the enzuigiri.  Booty Shake and standing back flip gets 1.  ODB misses a charge and TARANTULA!  Springboard leg drop by Tara gets 2.  Tara sets up for Widow's Peak and ODB reverses, Tara reverses and ODB rolls her up.  Schoolgirl with a handful of tights, plus an ass crack shot of Tara and a shot of the Asylum (?) and we have a new champion @ 2:22!  Tara is a sore loser and places the spider on a knocked out ODB as she holds up the title.  (DUD! How?!?  How?!?)

-Backstage we see the white limo pull up and it's...RIC FLAIR!!!!  He shakes hands with a few agents and Eric Young.  We'll be right back!

-We see video of Christy Hemme interviewing fans about Hulk Hogan.  Mick Foley is headed into the Impact Zone wearing a 1987 David Coverdale jacket.  He knows he is banned from the arena tonight, but he says he will make no trouble. Love, Mick...have a nice day.  Police won't allow him into the arena though. 

-Bobby Lashley with his wife head to the ring.  His wife gets a bigger pop than he does; weird.  Krystal has the mic.  She says that Bobby wants to send a message to Hulk Hogan.  He is, not only, a pro wrestler, but also a MMA star.  She calls wrestlers inbred toothless degenerates.  Way to turn heel!  She gives the crowd the 'ol "SHUT UP!".  He wants he immediate release from TNA tonight.  He didn't say one word and looks a little apprehensive.

-Backstage, we see Velvet Sky.  She sits down at a poker table with the Beautiful People.  She says that they will make a poker show, because they are all the rage.  Lacey von Erich acts idiotic and I wish this segment would be over.  Since Lacey lost the hand, looks like Vince Russo wrote up a game of strip poker.  THEY'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!

-Backstage it's SCOTT HALL AND SEAN WALTMAN!  Security won't let them in so they gotta choke a bitch.  Hall looks horrible. 

-Back in the Impact Zone, Tenay hypes Hogan's arrival.  Must be close to 9:00.  Looks like Hogan is already booking Impact on the fly. 

-We are back from the break and we see someone get out of a police escort car and enter the limo as it closes in on the Impact Zone.  Back to the Impact Zone and we see Hall and Waltman have made it into the arena.  Waltman doesn't hesitate to scream mother fucker right into the camera. 

-Finally, HULK HOGAN arrives to TNA.  Hogan sporting a black beard and all black attire.  Hall and Waltman are in the front row.  And in case you wondered, he is coming out to almost IDENTICAL nWo music that I am pretty sure Vince owns the patent to.  Camera pans back to Hall and Waltman and I wonder who is higher right now.

The fans are going crazy with a standing ovation for Hogan as he soaks it in, much like the night on Smackdown in Montreal when he came out WWE Champion.  Hogan greets all the TNA Maniacs.  Apparently he has been in the back all day long, interesting.  I thought he just got there.  He says he can't wait to deal with the new talent and is glad to see all the old faces ready to gear up again.  Waltman is so excited he jumps the guardrail and security stop him.  Hogan says give them a mic and bring them in the ring.  Hall and Waltman enter and give Hogan the old Wolfpac sign.  Hall, hey yo's.  Hogan says he is all about the party but Hall better get to the point.  Hall says, "Say hello to the bad guy".  He says that since Eazy E is here, (He is?!?) they are ready for big checks and big parties.  Waltman repeats the same exact thing Hall just said and Hogan says it's gonna be different this time.  Hall could easily be 330, I swear to god.  Hogan says it's time to do things different for the business.  Hall says he is right, things have changed.  This time things will change with Hogan or without him.  Out comes Kevin Nash.  Nash tells Waltman and Hall to settle down and that Hulk has a role to play tonight.  Hogan corrects him and says things are gonna be like they used to be.  Nash is confused and wonders when Hogan turned all corporate.  Hogan says it is a different time and they have to do things for real this time.  Out comes ERIC BISCHOFF!  Tenay plugs his book that WWE gets points on the backside for.  Great job there.  Bischoff talks about changing wrestling forever by taking on Vince McMahon.  He was the one that put this band together and there is a breakdown in communication.  Did I ever mention that Waltman looks like a Botoxed-up Kirk Hammet?  Bischoff says that everyone WILL earn their spot this time around.  Nash says he'll talk to him later.  Hogan re-iterates that everyone will earn their spot in TNA.  Bischoff will be putting everyone under a microscope.  We see Dixie Carter clapping.  Bischoff wants a producer, he is ready to change tonight's format.  Bischoff tears up the format sheet.  He hands So-Cal Val a new format.  Hogan says if you can't talk or wrestle, pack your bags and head up north.  Whatcha gonna do!?  All of a sudden we see Sting in the rafters.  Didn't see this coming.

TNA KNOCKOUT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

3.  Awesome Kong & Hamada vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita

-Tenay announces that Kurt Angle will get a shot at AJ Styles' TNA Championship at TNA Genesis.  Sarita and Hamada will start as the bell rings.  Lockups into a stalemate and they trade armdrags.  Wilde comes in and jumps from the top rope and armdrags her down.  Hamada gets up and grabs a wristlock.  BACKSTAGE, the Motor City Machine guns have been laid out.  Back to the ring and Kong hits Sarita with a Samoan Drop and gets 2.  Wilde and Sarita double dropkick Kong to the floor.  WILDE AND SARITA WILL FLY!!!  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!

Back to TNA @ the 6:05 mark and Hamada hits a basement dropkick on Wilde for 2.  Wilde tries to fight back and Hamada headbutts and kicks her down.  Kong back in and clubs Wilde down.  Kong sets up the Awesome bomb and Sarita gets the tag.  Springboard dropkick and King no-sells.  Sarita ducks a clothesline and Hamada sends her down with a laritat.  They irish whip her and she climbs to the top and they catch her and botch a slam.  Sarita tries a Huricarana on Kong and turns it into a sunset flip, but Kong sits down on her.  Wilde with a picture perfect dropkick right to her mouth!  Sarita covers and gets 2.  Kong with a spinning back punch to Sarita's injured leg.  Hamada throws Wilde into the post and Taylor is OUT!  Kong sets up an Awesome Bomb on Sarita and Hamada heads up top.  MISSILE DROPKICK INTO AN AWESOME BOMB and @ 9:21, we have new TNA Knockout Tag Team Champions.  (B+, what a great match!  WWE Divas need to take note!)

-Back to Strip Poker and SEAN MORLEY enters the room in only a towel.  Morley wants to play with them.  If they beat him in this next hand, they will win, because he only has a towel on.  Dear Lord.

-At the backdoor, it's Mick Foley with MEM's old Security.  He needs to get it, but it will cost them their jobs.  Now the f'ing NASTY BOYS are trying to get in?  Nice to see Brian Knobs couldn't let go of 1991, but Jerry Saggs could.

4.  Dr. Stevie & Raven (with Daffney) vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez

-I have been waiting a long time to say this...Matt Morgan enters with DNA all over his robe!  Ok, that was bad.  Hernandez starts with Raven and shoulder blocks him down.  Stevie and Morgan tag in as Stevie hits a boot, hits a right, and hits the ropes and CARBON FOOTPRINT!  That will do it @ 0:36.  (DUD)  Apparently Morgan and Hernandez are now the #1 contenders to the TNA Tag Team Championships that quick.

-Backstage is the Pope, D' Angelo Dinero with Christy Hemme,  He is facing Desmond Wolfe.  Pope isn't surprised that Hogan wants to see him in the ring.  Pope calls his opponent Wuffie.  Low and behold, it's ORLANDO JORDAN!  He is looking for Hogan and looks like Terrance Trent D'Arby.  Pope tells him to get to stepping.  Jordan can't take his eyes off Pope.  Pope does a great Danny Glover impression and THE POPE HAS SPOKEN.

5.  Desmond Wolfe vs. Pope D' Angelo Dinero

-It's raining Pope Dinero.  I gotta say I like his gimmick.  This should be good.  Crowd chants "Pope is pimpin'!".  Bell rings and Wolfe starts with a go-behind and takes down Pope and stomps his hand.  Pope answers with a sidekick and high shoulder block.  Wolfe catches his arm and hits a flying hammerlock takedown.  He rams Pope to the corner and Pope answers with a sunset flip.  Wolfe goes back to work on the arm.  Wolfe misses a turning elbow.  Pope hits his HIGH VERTICAL elbow drop.  Pope bows and Wolfe drops him.  Tower of London attempted, Pope goes for 4-UP, misses, backslide attempted by Wolfe, Pope rolls through with a small package and gets the win @ 2:40.  (C, wish I could rate it higher, but the match was too short.)

-Jeff Jarrett is headed this way, next!

-Backstage Rhino is hurt.  Bubba the Love Sponge boss-hogs his way through and says he will get to the bottom of this.  We see what happened earlier with Hogan, Nash, Hall, Waltman, and Bischoff.  Jeff Jarrett is still headed this way, next! 

-Back on TNA, and Borash is with AJ Styles.  AJ is very excited to see Hogan in TNA.  Next up for him, Kurt Angle at Genesis.  AJ says he can't hold the belt with pride until he beats Kurt Angle.  Enter Eric Bischoff.  He says that match won't happen at Genesis, it will happen TONIGHT!  Is the belt on the line?

-Three weeks later, here comes the King of the Mountain, Jeff Jarrett.  Fans are happy to see Jarrett back.  He came out pointing with two fingers and yelling, so I thought it was supposed to be heel Jeff Jarrett.  He talks about how he founded TNA.  Fans scream "Thank you, Jeff".  He says his still standing and in a 6 sided ring on a Monday night.  He says that the time is right.  Jarrett says he prides himself on giving hundreds of young guys chances like, Beer Money, MCMG, Samoa Joe, and AJ Styles.  Hogan is on the video screen.  He says he is tired of hearing Jarrett's story.  He says Jarrett also ran TNA into the ground.  He tells Jarrett to get his act together and that Hogan and Dixie Carter own TNA now.  He says that now he needs to get his boots laced up because he has to earn his spot too. 

-Backstage is Christy Hemme with Daniels.  Borash interrupts the interview and says Mick Foley is still here.  Mick Foley says he doesn't care who he has to go through, he needs to see Hogan. 

-Back on TNA, Jeff Hardy has taken some time to paint a picture.  Shannon Moore says its time to go meet with the Big Man.

6.  Abyss vs. Samoa Joe

-Joe attacks Abyss with about 77 rights in the corner.  Irish whip to the other side and Abyss reverses and Samoa Joe hits an enziguiri.  Joe hits the ropes and Abyss makes him eat boot.  Joe bails and Abyss follows.  Joe tries to take his head off with a chair and Abyss ducks.  Abyss sends him back in and hammers away on Joe.  Joe no sells an irish whip and drops Abyss.  Senton by Joe gets 2.  Joe hits the ropes and Abyss takes  him down with a clothesline.  Abyss with a sidewalk slam and gets 2.  Both men blown up.  Abyss charges and Joe meets him with an elbow.  Joe with a Thrust kick and gets 2.  Joe measures with a forearm and hits a jumping side kick.  Joe on the 2nd rope and Abyss catches him with a choke slam and gets 2.  Joe rolls out again and grabs the chair.  Abyss pushes the ref aside and Joe caves his head in with a chair.  Kokina Clutch applied to Abyss, and he fights towards the ropes, buts ends up tapping out at 4:50.  (C-.  Both men looked lost in that one.)

-Backstage Krystal Lashley confronts Eric Bischoff about her husband getting his release.  Bischoff tells her to get in line with everyone else and to check her attitude at the door, when she meets with Hogan.  BTLS is at the other end of the Impact Zone and it looks like he has found Beer Money laid out, as well.

-Back on TNA, the Nasty Boys are being hassled by security.  BTLS distracts security and gives the Nasty Boys the high sign and they sneak in.

-Jeremy Borash is with Kurt Angle.  Angle still has the MEM locker room, that is kinda sweet.  Angle says he knew he would have to face off with AJ eventually, but didn't think it would take this long.  He will win the TNA title tonight.  It's real, it's damn real.

-Shannon Moore and Jeff Hardy are seen leaving with envelopes and Moore is excited.  He says they have everything they need right there.  Jeff says maybe.  He gives his painting to a teenage girl and they drive off.

-The Nasty Boys are looking for Team 3D.  Security comes in and apologizes and hands Saggs some doughnuts.  Saggs hits security with the box of doughnuts and tells them to "get the fuck out of here".  Real nice.  They tear up Team 3D's locker room and spray paint everything.   

MAIN EVENT

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

7.  Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles

-Bell rings and AJ grabs a headlock.  Angle with a back suplex and AJ holds on.  Hammerlock and Angle powers out and hits the ropes and Angle runs into a dropkick.  AJ goes for the plancha and Angle side steps.  AJ with a forearm and AJ WILL FLY!  AJ throws him back in the ring and hits a forearm.  THE MASKED MAN attacks AJ from behind and Angle clotheslines him over the ropes.  Match continues and AJ runs into the RUNNING POWERBOMB INTO THE CORNER...WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Back on TNA with Angle in control with a chinlock.  AJ comes out and hits a Death Valley Driver into the knee on Angle's neck.  Both men down, but Angle up first.AJ backdropped onto the apron, goes for the springboard and Angle catches him in a belly to belly.  Angle Slam and AJ jumps out and hits a clothesline for 2.  Styles Clash attempt and Angle catapults AJ and 3 German suplexes.  Angle Slam and AJ jumps out and PELE, but Angle ducks and attempts the Anklelock.  AJ rolls through and Angle gets out and PELE connects this time for 2!  Holy Shit!  Angle backdrops AJ and Angle Slam gets 2.  Angle is thrown back into the ropes and holds on.  AJ backdropped onto the apron and AJ hits the Superman Forearm.  AJ headed up top, but Angle meets him up top and suplexes him off and gets 2.  Angle headed up top and misses a frog splash.  AJ goes for the Styles Clash and gets 2.5.  AJ sets Angle on the top and they battle it out and Angle hits a frog splash and gets 2.5.  Angle goes for the Angle Slam and AJ hits a big DDT.  Styles Clash again, but Angle hits a backdrop and AJ is in the Ankle Lock.  AJ rolls out.  Angle with a huge German suplex released and gets 2.  Angle sends AJ to the corner and AJ with an inverted DDT and gets 2.8!!!!  AJ heads up top and Angle crotches him.  Angle WITH AN ANGLE SLAM OFF THE TOP and only gets 2.8!!!!  Ankle Lock applied again and AJ kicks him out and AJ hits the enziguiri.  Styles Clash!  ANGLE KICKS OUT!!!!!!!!!  Styles Clash again and Angle rolls through and grapevines the leg.  RIC FLAIR IS OUT!  Back inside AJ is free and hits a SPRINGBOARD 450.  Angle kicks out!  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Back on TNA and Angle has AJ trapped in a head and arm scissorhold.  AJ gets free and goes for the Styles Clash and connects!!!!!  Angle is dead!  AJ doesn't cover and hits the SPRINGBOARD 450!  THAT WILL DO IT @ 22:08!!!  HOLY SHIT!!! (A-.  This match was flawless except for the run in at the beginning.)  Both men are hugging in the middle of the ring and Hogan is back out.  He calls AJ and Angle the 2 best wrestlers today.  Security runs out and tells Hogan that Foley is in the building.  Foley runs in on the poker game and Morley ain't having it.  He tells Foley that Hogan is down the hall.  Bischoff is in Foley's old office.  He says that Foley has no power and he needs to fight for his job.  He said he vowed to never work for Bischoff again.  He said he is gonna give Bischoff a reason to fire him by knocking his teeth out.  Nash, Hall, and Waltman attack him.  They leave as soon as Hogan enters the room.  Show ends.

FINAL THOUGHTS...

-That was a hellified main event.  I gotta say that if TNA comes hard like this every week, we have something to look forward to.

"Time For a Change"

- Live from Orlando, FL.

- Your hosts are Tenay & Tazz.

- Since I get Spike and not the Score (the channel that carries RAW in Canada), curiosity got the best of me and I decided to watch Impact tonight, because I figure a spectacular trainwreck is just as good as a great show as far as entertainment value goes. We shall see.

- Did you hear that Hulk Hogan is on the show tonight?

- Before the show, Bubba the Love Sponge ("One of the biggest names in satellite radio!" they declare, which is like the old joke about winning gold at the Special Olympics) interviews moron fans about what they want to see from the "new" TNA. They want to see extreme action and blood, just like when Hulk Hogan was wrestling! Note to TNA: Don't talk to your "fans" outside the free arena, talk to people who pay money to watch the product.

Steel Asylum match: Homicide v. Kiyoshi v. Jay Lethal v. Consequences Creed v. Alex Shelley v. Chris Sabin v. Suicide v. Amazing Red

So this is basically an escape-the-cage match with a roof on it and eight guys, which is immediately an illustration of the problems with TNA and their horribly complicated stipulation matches. Another problem, a much bigger one, is that you can't tell what the fuck is going on because the cage obscures the camera. So I'm left to wonder why Homicide doesn't just kill Suicide so that they'll both be happy? So yeah, it goes about 3 minutes and everyone hits some highspots but god knows who's who, and Homicide suddenly breaks out a baton and it's a NO CONTEST?!? What the holy fuck was that? Crowd chants "This is bullshit" and I have to agree. 1/2* But then Jeff Hardy runs out of the crowd (complete with entrance music) and brawls with Homicide. Bet WWE is happy about that after promoting his new DVD set.

Meanwhile, Hulk is ON THE WAY. He's booking the show, wouldn't he be in the building yet?

Meanwhile, Big Kev talks about Hulk mentored him into becoming the smartest man in wrestling. He's also the only guy for a long time to get to finish a promo without interruption.

TNA Knockouts Title: Tara v. ODB

We have no real explanation of who either person is for newer fans, although I guess former WWE fans might know Tara. I really have no idea who the audience they're aiming for is, because lapsed 80s fans stopped watching before she became a star as Victoria. Anyway, ODB attacks and runs into an elbow, and Tara follows with a clothesline out of the corner. They slug it out and Tara gets the enuzigiri and jigglesault for two. Tara-ntula and slingshot legdrop gets two. ODB rolls her up with a handful of tights out of nowhere for the pin and the title, however, at 3:30. They cut away during the pin, lest any butt crack offend delicate viewers. 1/2*

Meanwhile, RIC FLAIR. I would not have bet on that one.

Meanwhile, Mick Foley ignores the corporate memo (what a rebel!) and tries to get into the building, but security stands in his way…so he backs down. I guess he'll send a strongly worded e-mail instead.

Bobby Lashley joins us, and his wife does the talking, calling wrestling fans "inbred toothless degenerates". Jeez, go watch some old Rick Rude promos and learn from the best. Anyway, Bobby wants out of TNA so he can go make real money doing MMA. Yes, the angle is that the guy doesn't want to be here.

Meanwhile, the Beautiful People play strip poker in an angle that doesn't go anywhere.

Hulk Hogan is still coming! I bet he shows up at the top of the hour.

Meanwhile, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman are NOT on the "the list", and thus can't get in. They're like some sort of people on the outside…OUTSIDERS if you will. Spoiler: They get in anyway.

Meanwhile, WHERE'S THE FUCKING WRESTLING? Sorry, got distracted there.

Meanwhile, someone exits one limo and enters another one. Seriously.

Finally, Hulk Hogan is here, right as RAW is starting. It's the usual "TNA is gonna be the #1 company in the world" rhetoric, and before we get to the point, the Wolfpac tries to jump the rail. At least they don't have entrance music like Jeff Hardy did. Hulk lets them into the ring and decides to let Scott Hall cut a promo on live TV. Hall is here for the party, brother, but Hulk chastises them for that sort of attitude, and declares that it's time to grow up and "do the right thing for business." What? Can I get some sort of carny-to-English dictionary to decode this bullshit segment? Big Kev joins the has been party and tries to call off his buddies, but Hulk's all "We're here for change, and I'm not playing a role, brother." Again, what the fuck are they talking about? And now Uncle Eric joins us on Hulk's side, nothing that everyone has to earn their spot. Change, change, change. Eric even rips up the format sheet! NOT THE FORMAT SHEET! How will the announcers know who is running in through the crowd? So I guess Bischoff was the guy who changed from one limo to the other, but we wouldn't know because NO ONE EVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN. What a bullshit waste of 20 minutes this segment was.

TNA Knockouts Tag title: Sarita & Taylor Wilde v. Awesome Kong & Hamada

Really? They "tear up the format sheet" and this survives? I don't know who any of these people are and they made no effort to educate me. Hamada and Sarita exchange some armdrags, and Wilde comes in for more of the same. Kong levels both champs but they rally and dropkick her out of the ring. Double dive and we take a break. REALLY? For THIS match? Back with Hamada suplexing Wilde for two, and the heels pound on her. She comes back with a codebreaker on Kong and tags Sarita to no reaction. They all botch some spots and Kong sits on Sarita for two. Crowd chants "This is Awesome." Well it's accurate in that Awesome Kong is competing. Hamada dropkicks Sarita into a Kong powerbomb to give them the titles at 9:29. Sloppy but decent. ** Is this really who they want to focus on during their big show?

Meanwhile, Sean Morley (playing Val Venis, but DON'T CALL HIM THAT) joins the poker game. Luckily he brought his own deck. And that's all we hear about this for the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, Foley still can't get in. Neither can the Nasty Boys. And yet they're already on TV, so…never mind, my brain hurts as it is.

Raven & Dr. Stevie v. Matt Morgan & Hernandez

Morgan pins Stevie with the big boot about 30 seconds in. DUD

Meanwhile, Pope D'Angelo is interrupted by ORLANDO JORDAN. He's apparently so big a star that no one mentions who he is or where he's from until after the segment, when Tazz clarifies that in fact it was Orlando Jordan. This show makes me want to bash my head into the keyboard.

Desmond Wolfe v. Pope D'Angelo Dinero

Wolfe works the arm and tosses Pope around, and does a nice arm submission on the mat to stretch him. Pope comes back with an elbow out of the corner and finishes with a fluke rollup at 3:00. Wow, they didn't do anything to introduce Wolfe, and then beat him in a meaningless TV match with a fluke finish. *

Meanwhile, Rhino has been attacked by a mystery person. Perhaps the format sheet, out for revenge.

Oh, and Jeff Jarrett is wandering around too.

Meanwhile, AJ Styles talks about wrestling Kurt Angle at the PPV, but is interrupted by Eric, who informs that he defends against Kurt…TONIGHT.

Jeff Jarrett makes his return for more talking on a show already overflowing with it. He puts over the homegrown TNA talent and says anything can happen, but Hulk interrupts. And now he's playing heel, pointing out that Jeff drove the company into the ground until Dixie Carter saved it. And that's a shoot, brother. Jeff also has to prove himself. Great, Mr. Hogan v. Stone Cold JJ.

Meanwhile, Daniels gets interrupted by JB. Can't ANYONE finish their promo tonight? Mick wants a meeting with Hulk.

Abyss v. Samoa Joe

See, it was supposed to be Abyss v. Rhino (and was advertised as such at the beginning of the show), but Bischoff TORE UP THE FORMAT SHEET (plus Rhino was attacked, which they never mentioned again anyway) and now we've got this. The announcers put Joe over like a big babyface star, but I thought he was a heel? Joe slugs away in the corner and adds the facewash, but runs into a boot. Joe bails and grabs a chair, but misses and hits the post. Vince would probably stop the show and order the doctor to stitch up the ringpost, but this is TNA and WE WRESTLE. Allegedly. Back in, Joe boots Abyss down and gets a senton for two. Abyss tries a chokeslam, and then goes with a sideslam instead for two. Joe comes back with a kick off the middle rope, and they slug it out and both go down. Abyss recovers first with a chokeslam for two. Joe grabs the chair again, nails Abyss behind the ref's back, and chokes him out at 4:52. This seemed like the same old TNA to me. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kristal demands a meeting with Hulk on behalf of Bobby Lashley, thus interrupting Bischoff's discussion with a director. Why would Bischoff even be on camera for this segment? And how am I supposed to care about all the people who want a meeting with Hulk when there's 300 simultaneous angles happening at the same time?

Meanwhile, Beer Money is now out of the show. Who are Beer Money, asks the casual fan, and why do I care that they've been attacked? Hell if I'd know based on this.

Meanwhile, the Nasty Boys aren't on the list, but Bubba the Love Sponge sneaks them in. Who gives a fuck about the fucking Nasty Boys in fucking 2010? SERIOUSLY.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle gets to be the first person in about two hours to finish his promo.

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore get mobbed by three teenage girls. That's their mob, three people. They can't even paper their mobs properly.

Meanwhile, the Nasty Boys cause trouble. OK, so we've spent three segments establishing that the Nasty Boys can't get in, and then they do get in, and now they're throwing donuts around. That's how they earned their money tonight.

TNA World title: AJ Styles v. Kurt Angle

Finally, some wrestling! They work off a headlock to start and AJ dropkicks him out and follows with a tope con hilo. Back in, the masked man runs in and attacks both guys, but Angle gets rid of him and he's never mentioned again. This company…I….never mind, back to the match. Angle powerbombs AJ into the corner and we take a break. Back with Angle holding a chinlock, but AJ fights out, then runs into a boot. He fires off a backbreaker before selling it, though. AJ springboards in, but Angle catches him with an overhead suplex. AJ clotheslines him for two. Crowd notes "This is wrestling." Well spotted, geniuses. Angle with the rolling germans, but AJ gets the Pele, which Angle counters into the anklelock, but AJ rolls him up for two. Great stuff. Another Pele gets two. AJ misses a blind charge and Kurt gets the Angle slam for two. AJ springboards in with a flying forearm and goes up, but the pop-up superplex gets two. AJ with the Styles Clash for two. They fight on top and Angle gets a frog splash for two. Styles reverses the Angle Slam into a DDT for two. Angle comes back with an anklelock, but Styles reverses out. Angle suplex gets two. AJ with the springboard DDT for two. AJ goes up, but Angle gets a top rope Angle Slam for two. Anklelock, but AJ reverses into an enzuigiri and Styles Clash for two. Another one is countered into the heel hook and Angle is gonna win…but Ric Flair comes out and does nothing. AJ escapes and gets a springboard 450 for two. And we take a break. Back with Flair leaving and another Styles Clash, and the 450 finishes at 22:00 as AJ retains in a tremendous TV match. ****1/2 Well, 1 out of 180 segments isn't bad, I guess.

And finally, we discover that NWO 2K10 was the ones attacking everyone all along, and Mick Foley gets laid out by them as well, as we discover that Hogan's idea of fresh and new = Nitro from 1996 without any of the star power.

Wow. What a colossal waste of three hours this show was, minus the great main event, and it did nothing to make me care about watching further. They introduced two big surprises who did nothing and played no role, brought in the usual cast of Hogan flunkies who also did nothing, and almost all of the in-ring stuff sucked ass. Thumbs way down on the "new era" of TNA, as it seems frighteningly close to the old era.

By red29 (redw29@gmail.com)

With the decade nearing a close and since I have been collecting wrestling DVDs at a pace like the movie 2012 is real and it is my job to archive professional wrestling for all of mankind, I wanted to take a look back and re-watch the pay-per-views of arguably the biggest storyline flop this decade– the Invasion. So I fired up the Amazon Marketplace and found new original copies of the Invasion (very easy actually), Summerslam, Unforgiven, No Mercy and Rebellion (hey, why not?) shows. I’m still shopping for Survivor Series 2001 and may have to settle for the future Anthology version much to my chagrin (the extras and non blurring may change my mind though).

Since we just had Survivor Series, a full eight years has passed. This got me thinking; a lot of readers in their early twenties probably don’t remember much about this. Heck, with five TV shows a week and sometimes two ppvs a month, can any of us really recall exactly how everything went down eight years ago? I am not going to pretend to be an expert on this subject. I recommend everyone read Scott Keith’s books as he details this pretty extensively. Here’s a brief overview leading up to this show:

On March 26^th, 2001 Shane McMahon announced on the last Nitro he had bought WCW out from under his father’s nose. This worked pretty well on paper since Shane and Vince had a match days away at Wrestlemania X-Seven (17 for those non-edgy). The internet was abuzz with what could possibly come out of this. Wrestlemania X-Seven had a less then inspiring WCW appearance. They showed Shane’s new troops sitting in a skybox, looking bored and not very intimidating. The roster didn’t set the world on fire either. Guaranteed contracts are the suck. There was no Goldberg in the skybox, only a Chuck Palumbo for example. The cast of WCW guys was underwhelming to say the least. Two months go by and WWF.com has polls up on what to name the new WCW show (they could not find a station to take it). Everyone is excited at the long term possibilities of intra-brand feuds and storylines. No one wanted the Monday Night Wars to go away. There was little drama without competition. Lance Storm shows up on RAW, followed by others in the next couple weeks. Things finally kick off almost three months after the last Nitro when Booker T interferes in the main event at the King of the Ring, breaking bones in Steve Austin’s hand (for real) when he slammed Austin through the announce table. Booker T would attack Vince the next night and the Invasion was on.

This brings us to the infamous Tacoma shows. On July 2^nd, the WWF decides to give the last 20 minutes of RAW to WCW. They had their own announcers, ring aprons, everything. They even trotted out Buff Bagwell to challenge for Booker T’s title. I asked the renowned Inside Pulse and The Wrestling Press writer Charlie Reneke, who attended both the RAW and the Smackdown taping the following day, to add a little perspective to what he witnessed live:

“On Monday for RAW, the crowd was incredibly hostile all night. There were dozens of signs all over the Tacoma Dome that said "WCW Sucks!" and various other things. The fans booed everything related to WCW.

When they started to change the apron around for the WCW match, the fans completely, universally started to boo everything, and many fans just outright decided to walk out before the match started. During the Booker/Buff match, the fans hate-hooed everything, then started to break out in chants. "BORING!" became "THIS MATCH SUCKS!" and finally "RIOT! RIOT!" I've experienced playful jeering during wrestling shows before. That's not what this was. Even after the show the fans were agitated in the parking lot, and it got a bit intense.

The next night they taped Smackdown in the same venue. As the fans filed in, the anti-WCW signs were even more dense. About twenty minutes before the show started, it got quiet enough in the arena that some guy was able to scream "WCW SUCKS!" loud enough for everyone on our side of the building to hear it. Believe me when I say, that guy got the pop of the night. The fans were equally hostile towards all the matches. When Billy Kidman beat Shane Helms for the Cruiserweight title, it was the first semblance of a pop the whole angle had up to that point, but then the fans remembered to boo and did so.

I still don't know what they were thinking. For years the WWE had trained its fans to believe that WCW was the bad guy in the Monday Night War. Why would they then put them over as the babyface faction during the Invasion? The fans didn't buy it one bit. Still, it was nice to be a part of history and watch the biggest wrestling angle ever get blown in person. Blown opportunities seem to be my thing at live shows. I was there when Brock botched the shooting star press at Wrestlemania. But it pales in comparison to watching the WCW Invasion get blown right out of the starting gate.”

Two weeks before the Invasion pay-per-view, ECW came into the fold and teamed up with the WCW unit to form the Alliance (or Coalition – they had a bunch of names until after this show). The theme for the weekly shows before the ppv was which Steve Austin would show up? The old one or the cool heel who sang songs and tried to cheer Vince up. That leads us up to the show.

July 22^nd, 2001

From Cleveland, OH. Also the same arena where the WWF was for the last Nitro and Shane’s announcement. Continuity!

This PPV features the ugliest ego-centric DVD cover of all time. I mean, you have potentially the biggest professional wrestling angle of all-time and the cover is a split face of the owner and his son? Ah, to be a McMahon I guess. This features one of the better PPV intros with FDR’s speech from WWII: “I have seen war and I hate war”. The set here is your normal Titantron and a gigantic V ramp as both sides come out different entrance areas to reach the ring.

Cue the WWF scratch logo. Cue the camera pan of the slobs at WWF New York.

JR and Michael Cole are your hosts, giving WCW/ECW (technically not called the “Alliance” until after this PPV) no support from the commentator booth. Would it have killed them to let Paul Heyman do a little bit of color? Sure his shtick would have been over the top, but the alternative was a lot of Michael Cole as Jerry Lawler was on hiatus again. I really loathe Michael Cole.

Match 1

Lance Storm and Mike Awesome vs. Edge and Christian

Lance does his “If I could be serious for a minute” shtick, which I always enjoyed. Edge is the 2001 King of the Ring. Awesome was the first invader to win a belt, taking the hardcore belt from Perry Saturn weeks back. He is not the champ here though. Awesome and Christian start things off as Awesome works him over from corner to corner until Christian takes control with a drop toe-hold and tags in Edge. Irish whip is reversed into a clothesline for Awesome and he tags in Storm. Shoot-off leads to a big headscissors takedown for Edge on Storm. Edge follows with a dropkick off the top rope. Edge gives Awesome a dropkick off the apron as well. Storm charges and Edge dumps him over the top rope onto the waiting Mike Awesome, and then gets on all fours so Christian can launch himself over, except Christian clips the top rope and bites it outside. You know Christian, Undertaker can do that with no hands. He is taller though I guess. Edge brings Storm back in and gets a backbreaker for a one count. Tag to Christian and we get a double team hip toss for another one count. Christian charges and Storm puts him on the top rope but Storm gets pushed off, leading to Mike Awesome crotching Christian and then Christian falls outside. Awesome works over Christian now with whips into the barricade and ring. Good heel work. Back in, Lance Storm whips Christian baseball slide style into the ring post. Cool spot, read about the same move in Bret Hart’s book. Tag to Mike Awesome who begins Christian’s face in peril heat segment. Nice standing splash for two. Storm in now and the heels get a double forearm on Christian coming off the ropes. Christian gets a big crossbody on Storm off the ropes and tries for the tag but Storm gets his tag first and Awesome cuts him off. Awesome slings Christian down over his shoulders hard and bridges for two as Edge saves. Irish whip into a big diving clothesline gets two. Storm back in and he works Christian over. Backbreaker and then a tag to Awesome, who climbs. He hits the Awesome Splash (frog splash) as Edge breaks the count. Whip to the corner and Awesome climbs up and brings Christian with him to set up the top rope powerbomb but sadly he is back body-dropped out of it. Crowd was gasping as Awesome pulled him up too. Double KO as both go men go for tags. Hot tags made as Edge takes Storm down with clotheslines and a spin kick to Awesome. Dropkick to Awesome and an Edge-O-Matic on Storm gets two. Sunset flip attempt for Edge as Storm grabs Awesome for leverage but Christian breaks it up, leading to Edge rolling Storm up for two. Storm gets a small package but the ref is distracted so Christian comes in and rolls them over, putting Edge on top. This gets a close two count. Tag made now to Awesome and they try for a double backdrop but Edge flips out and Christian dives off the top rope for a double clothesline. Action is super fast now. Edge goes for a spear and Storm leapfrogs him but Awesome eats it. Then Storm goes for a Superkick, but Christian ducks and Edge takes it. Christian takes Storm over the top rope and Awesome goes for the pin off the Superkick and gets two. He calls for the Awesome Bomb and goes for it but Christian comes back in and spears him and Edge lands on top for the three count. (10:10)

**** Wow, this really heated up with a very fast final couple of minutes. Very entertaining. Awesome was really game here but this would be his last PPV appearance. I always liked his talent and was hoping he got a decent push with the Invasion angle.

Funny backstage bit where Vince explains to Regal how he needs to be like George Washington vs. King George’s redcoats and smear Raven out later tonight. Prior to every match, there is a clip of Vince and Shane talking to their guys. I didn’t include each of these for redundancy purposes.

Video package for the ref match “highlights” the WCW guys refusing to count pins and submissions leading up to the ppv. For those wondering, a coin toss was used to determine which refs worked each match for the show.

Match 2

Nick Patrick vs. Earl Hebner

Mick Foley is the referee here. Both guys have a team of fellow referees with them. Hey, it’s Teddy Long. I guess they need to get this logistical issue out of the way right now, otherwise the refs could conceivably just mess with every match the rest of the way. Bell rings and Patrick gets a nice girly slap to Hebner’s face. Hebner attempts to stomp a mudhole in the corner. He drags Patrick out of the corner and gets a two count. More old man punches and knee strikes as the action spills outside and the groups of refs almost converge. Mick breaks it up and sends them back into the ring. Earl gets more offense in and gets a ten-punch in the corner. Low blow by Patrick and a baseball slide sends Hebner outside. This leads to a brief skirmish and Mick throws the WCW refs out of the match. Back in and Hebner gets a pseudo spear/shoulderblock combo thingy for the pin (2:50)

After the match, Patrick gets in Mick’s face and gets knocked down for his WCW loyalty. Mr. Socko makes an appearance. The crowd revels.

DUD – More of an angle then a match obviously. But at least they got it out of the way so all the refs could go back to being easily distracted and easily knocked out by the softest of splashes the rest of the night.

Recap of Debra being abducted by DDP on Smackdown and the “old” Stone Cold giving chase. Now we go to Debra who is in the back with Undertaker’s wife Sara, who, um… :thinksofsomethingnicetosay: seems really nice. Woof.

Match 3

Sean O’Haire and Chuck Palumbo vs. the APA

Both teams are tag team champs but the belts are not on the line here. Video recap of them firing up the jobbers over the last couple weeks and hey, its K-Kwik! Future TNA Champion. Match starts quickly as the heels rush to the ring. Inside the APA get a double team slam on Palumbo. Suplex by Bradshaw and O’Haire charges in to break a count. This results in Bradshaw getting trapped in the heel corner and O’Haire is in to slug away. O’Haire hits a big clothesline off a shoot-off, but Bradshaw is up with a big back suplex and a tag to Faarooq. Irish whip into a back-elbow gets a one count on O’Haire. O’Haire takes control with a low blow and they slug it out and Palumbo is in. Shoot-off and Faarooq hits a big shoulderblock and makes a tag. Bradshaw lays out punches and I’ll give the WCW guys credit, they are selling really well. Charge into a corner by Palumbo but Bradshaw catches him and turns it into a fallaway slam. He goes for powerbomb but O’Haire breaks with a big kick. O’Haire hits an overhead suplex after he distracts the ref and then Palumbo is back in. Heel psychology! Although to be fair, O’Haire told the very easily distracted Teddy Long that Faarooq was up to no good so he ran over to him minding his own business on the apron. Someone missed a cue. Back to the action and a big DDT by Bradshaw on Palumbo. This knocks both men out of course and we have a crawl to the corners. Lukewarm tag to Faarooq as Palumbo moves him to the heel corner and O’Haire clotheslines him out of his boots from the apron. Outside the beating continues and Faarooq is rolled back in for a two count. Tag to O’Haire and the heels hit a double back-elbow. Big knee smash into the face of Faarooq gets two. O’Haire off the ropes is countered into a big spine buster by Faarooq and it’s a double KO and crawl to the corners again. Slightly warmer hot tag and Bradshaw hits a big powerslam off the ropes for two. Shoot-off and Bradshaw goes for another fallaway slam but is kicked in the face by O’Haire. This gets two as Faarooq breaks and all four guys are in the ring. O’Haire gets a dropkick to the back of Bradshaw, who was in a bearhug. Faarooq dumps O’Haire but walks into a Superkick from Palumbo but Bradshaw is right there off the ropes for a stiff Clothesline from Hell, and it gets three. (7:17)

**1/2 Perfectly acceptable tag team wrestling. The WCW guys bounced around like crazy, while pulling off some nice heel maneuvers. The APA was certainly pretty stiff in there but these guys held their own. Better then I expected.

Match 4

Billy Kidman vs. X-Pac

In a backstage bit, Kidman gets a pop for saying X-Pac sucks. Oof, this could get ugly. X-Pac gets a very mellow reaction. Maybe if the beginning of the X-Factor music didn’t suck so hard, people would be more excited. Kidman gets the better pop. This is also champion vs. champion as X-Pac is the light heavyweight champion and Kidman the cruiserweight champ. The announcers make sure to note that usually X-Pac would be booed out of the building at this point but the crowd is pro-WWF. We’ll see. X-Pac sucks chants come out early and the crowd just turns on Waltman before they even exchange two moves. As Charlie puts it – a lot of hate-hooing for him. Lock-up and a push off. Another lockup and they trade wrist locks and X-Pac wins out. He mugs for the crowd who hate-hoo him again. Shoot-off and X-Pac get s a shoulderblock and they trade hip toss attempts before Kidman dumps him, spins around his back and slaps the back of his head. Drop toe-hold by Kidman into a rest spot. Really, two minutes in and we grab a headlock? Ok, they’re calling moves. Off a shoot-off, X-Pac presses Kidman who turns it into a big headscissors. Enziguri follows as X-Pac is booted outside. Kidman slides out and catches X-Pac into a pseudo bulldog to the floor. Back in an Irish whip and another headscissors by Kidman but he charges and the veteran X-Pac (quote JR) tosses him over the top rope in a big spill. Springboard splash to the outside by X-Pac. He mugs for more booing. Back in a nice spinning heel kick gets two. Crowd boos a freaking extended sleeper sequence next. It’s a veteran move per JR. Then they do another standing sleeper spot off a whip. Sheesh guys, you are cruiserweights. Kidman hulks up and grabs X-Pac off the ropes into his own sleeper but X-Pac counters into a sideslam. X-Pac goes up and tries a somersault splash which Kidman moves out of the way from. Now a slug-off and Kidman gets a spinning elbow and a big dropkick. Off the ropes Kidman gets a sit-down powerbomb. Into the corner for a 10-punch for Kidman. X-Pac pushes him off and rolls him up, using the ropes for leverage. Uh, you’re the good guy Pac. Just terrible. YOU CANT POWERBOMB Kidman sequence is countered into an X-Factor. That gets two. Kidman goes up and dives but X-Pac counters into his own X-Factor midair, which gets a close two. That was interesting. Bronco buster is countered with a foot in the crotch by Kidman. Crowd gets on their feet for the Shooting Star Press and pop huge for the pin. Uh, I thought the WWF were the good guys? (7:12)

** Pretty average cruiserweight match. X-Pac acted like a complete doosh for most of the match. Some okay spots but could have been much more.

Backstage we get Torrie and Stacey putting down the WWF women. Torrie grabs and rubs her breasts to show what the crowd will miss out on. Ah the WWF in 2001.

Match 5

Raven vs. William Regal

Lock-up and a slug-out in the corner. Irish whip gets a pushdown from Regal and then a double underhook suplex. Raven briefly bails but comes back in for more Regal offense. A European uppercut gets a one count and then a couple subsequent two counts. That spot has been overdone at this point and come on, it’s a freakin’ uppercut. Regal continues the assault outside and on the apron. Back in, Regal is tossed over the top rope and Raven gets a baseball slide kick to the face. Side Russian leg sweep onto the barricade by Raven. Nice spot. Back inside Raven hits some shoulders to the gut in the corner and then goes for a clothesline off the ropes after sending Regal into the corner. Regal forgot to bounce there and it looked bad. Back up, Regal gets a vertical suplex and Raven goes back to the ribs. Forearm off the top rope for Raven and he goes back up again but this time Regal slaps his stomach as he comes down. Okay, then. Small package out of nowhere gets two for Raven. Nice running bulldog by Raven gets two. Full-nelson suplex is reversed and Raven goes for a sunset flip which is rolled through. They trade rollups and then Regal gets a back-elbow for two. Even flow DDT is reversed into a northern lights suplex. Another DDT attempt but Raven is driven into the turnbuckle. Whip into a shoulderblock by Regal leads to a double KO as Raven crawls to the floor which results in the ref leaving the ring to tell him to get back in. Why not count him out? While Raven is tended to by the blind ref, Tazz scurries down the huge entrance ramp, hits a Tazz-plex on Regal and then leaves. Raven comes back in with the Raven Effect (Even flow DDT) for the pin. (6:34)

* This was pretty dull outside of the leg sweep.

Match 6

Shawn Stasiak, Chris Kanyon, and Hugh Morrus vs. Big Show, “The One” Billy Gunn, and Albert

Albert is the IC champ here. Billy Gunn is the motivational partner of the Big Show apparently. I don’t remember his “1” phase or his rip-off of The Who as his entrance theme. WCW guys get one combined entrance. Bell rings and all three WWF guys get a gorilla press slam in a neat spot that heats the crowd up. We start with Chris Kanyon and Billy Gunn. Gunn gets a nice electric chair spot out of the corner. Gunn has his working shoes on tonight as he bridges up off a pin attempt and gets a backslide. Tag to Stasiak and the crowd chants “MEAT”. Kudos to Cleveland for that. Back-elbow by Gunn in the corner sends Stasiak off of him, leading to a neckbreaker for Gunn. Both guys are spent and go for slow tags and Albert is in first. He destroys Stasiak and all six guys get in the ring and the action goes outside. Camera completely misses a Big Show leap over the guardrail. I’m guessing it missed Morrus since the three WCW guys are back in the ring shortly for Albert. Baldo Bomb on Stasiak is broken up. Kanyon distracts the ref in the corner, as Morrus gets a big DDT. Lukewarm tag to “The One” Billy Gunn now and he gets the Fame-Ass-er on Morrus. Gunn goes for another move but Stasiak is in and hits a reverse DDT on Gunn. Morrus covers up for the three. After the bell Big Show comes in and sucks all the heat out of the heels by chokeslamming everyone and then hitting the Alley Oop on Kanyon. (4:23)

¾* No replay of Show’s big dive at all. This was short and forgettable. Why couldn’t WCW lose here and in turn have O’Haire and Palumbo go over earlier?

Apparently on Sunday Night Heat, Chavo Guerrero beat Scotty 2 Hotty so WCW is up 4-3 now. We hear this backstage from Shane for the first time all ppv. Where is this match on the DVD?

Match 7

Tazz vs. Tajiri

Tajiri is still WWF here. These guys fought for the ECW title in 1999. Tajiri rushes the ring and gets a spin kick and a back flip splash for two. Hard chops in the corner but Tazz catches Tajiri in a release suplex. Tazz takes over but Tajiri flips out of a suplex and fires off more chops and kicks. Off the ropes, Tazz hits a big clothesline. Shoot-off into a kick from Tajiri but Tazz hits a snapmare to keep control. More brawling and Tazz locks on an armbreaker, but Tajiri gets the ropes. Whip to the corner with Tajiri leaping but Tazz grabs his legs on his shoulders and slams him down hard. Shoot-off and Tajiri gets the springboard back –elbow for a big pop. He looks to dive outside but stops and Tazz just grabs his leg and pulls him to the floor. Tajiri goes shoulder first into the stairs. Back in and a whip in the corner turns into the Tarantula on the ropes, which Tajiri has to break. With Tazz on his knees, Tajiri comes off the ropes with a big dropkick right to the face. This gets two as the crowd bought it as the finish. Back up, more stiff kicks but Tazz catches him in a hooked leg overhead suplex. Tazz bends over to pick him up but it’s the MIST! Buzz saw kick finishes for Tajiri. (5:43)

**3/4 Good stuff for five minutes.

Backstage Rob Van Dam interrupts the Hardy boys and cracks Matt with a chair. Then we go to WWF New York where Hardcore Holly rips a WCW shirt off a fan in the autograph line. I actually have two signed autographs somewhere on the same kind of glossy photos for Kane and Chris Jericho. If I remember correctly, they showed up at some store opening of a friend’s relative. Those things are worth dollars today I bet.

Match 8

Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy ©

Hardcore Championship Match

This is the only belt on the line for this pay-per-view. Crowd is pretty split at the start as Jeff gets a nice pop. Jeff charges the ring and misses a leg drop off a shoot-off as RVD misses a splash. Crowd chants for RVD very loudly. Stalemate after all that tumbling gets a cheer. Jeff gets a dropkick on RVD as he poses. Whip to the corner but Jeff leaps behind RVD and hits another dropkick, this time to the back of the head. It gets two. Shoot-off, leapfrog by RVD and Hardy gets a compactor for two. Back up Hardy gets an atomic drop. Jeff charges but RVD ducks and hits a back splash for two. Double underhook front suplex, head first by RVD. Rolling Thunder follows for two. Reversed Irish whip sees RVD jump to the top turnbuckle but Hardy pushes him off and he sails into the barricade. Most of the crowd is standing for this one. Big baseball slide by Jeff to the recovered RVD. Jeff does his barricade run but he loses his balance quickly and RVD tries to run as well and they just kind of stumble into each other and to the ground. Now we brawl into the crowd and RVD hops up on one of the boards separating the seating areas, gets his balance by grabbing a terrified four year old’s head and hits a back flip onto Hardy. Poor kid was scared as soon as they hit the crowd. That gets two. RVD milks it for the crowd and puts Hardy back over the barricade. Still outside he hits a suplex to the barricade, followed by a spinning heel kick onto the dangling Hardy from the apron. This gets two. Outside the ring still RVD actually bows to the chanting fans. Ugh, YOU ARE THE HEEL. RVD gets hung on the apron and Hardy flips over him and hits the MDK bomb for a ‘Holy Shit’ chant. I’d second that emotion. Big ladder out now and Hardy climbs but RVD pushes it over so Hardy does the delayed jump onto the ramp way. RVD grabs a chair as this is still a hardcore match but Hardy punches the ladder into his face. He chairs RVD on the back as they climb towards the gap in the entrance way for their big spot. Hardy goes for another chair shot but RVD hits the Van Daminator sending Hardy sprawling off the staging in a nice spot. It was made better by a little ramp that the camera barely caught, which broke Jeff’s fall nicely. RVD fetches Jeff and hits a spinning leg drop for two. Back in the ring, RVD hits a running Van Daminator with the chair. He goes for the split leg moonsault but Hardy gets his legs up. Hardy up with a huge DDT as RVD bounces off his head. This gets two two counts. Hardy grabs the belt and hits a back suplex onto RVD’s neck for two. RVD blocks him initially from climbing but Hardy hits a jawbreaker and climbs. RVD rolls out of the Swanton Bomb attempt, puts the belt on Hardy’s chest and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for the title (12:24)

**** Great hardcore match without any wussy weapon shots. Little sloppy at points but the crowd ate this up. RVD was borderline annoying with getting himself over though. This ended up being face vs. face essentially and at times it made Hardy look terrible.

Match 9

Torrie Wilson and Stacey Kiebler vs. Lita and Trish Stratus

FIRST EVER Bra & Panties Tag Team match

It’s evolution baby. This is the natural progression of the Bra & Panties match. Mick Foley is again our guest referee. He is mesmerized by Torrie coming to the ring. Lita is really over here. The heels get some of the saddest slaps I’ve ever seen in before the bell rings. Trish and Torrie start and Torrie gets a dropkick and then a real slap on Trish in the corner. Trish with a big clothesline from the corner on Torrie and then a vertical suplex. Near “fall” attempt as Stacey breaks up Trish trying to take Torrie’s shirt off. Heel psychology! Lita in now and none of the WCW gals want to face her so they argue about it on the apron. Stacey in and Lita just rips her shirt off. Shoot-off and Stacey bails outside and Lita chases her around the ring, but Torrie kicks Lita down from the apron and the heels take over. This leads to Lita losing her shirt. Snapmare by Lita on Stacey now. Lita goes up top and misses a splash and Torrie tags in. Trish in now too and she gets a couple of boob clotheslines. Torrie steps on Trish hair and rips off her shirt. Torrie goes for Trish’s pants too but it’s a BRA & PANTIES reversal as Trish flips her into a normal pinning spot and rips Torrie’s pants off. Trish whips Torrie into the corner and Lita hits Poetry in Motion, then rips off Torrie’s shirt and she’s eliminated. Trish hits a running bulldog on Stacey and they rip her pants off and its over. (5:04)

***** Best Bra & Panties tag team match ever at this point. Although there was some pretty spotty selling from Stacey. First she covers up embarrassed when her top is off, then she has no problem with her minor cleavage and runs around, and then after she loses the pants she covers up top again. In all seriousness, this was entertaining for 5 minutes of women’s wrestling. I don’t really have an abacus for Bra & Panties Tag Team matches so lets call it pass or fail. This passes.

Match 10

The Dudley Boys, Rhyno, Booker T and D.D.P. (w/ Shane McMahon, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and Paul Heyman) vs. Kane, The Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle and Stone Cold Steve Austin (w/ Vince McMahon)

The Inaugural Brawl

Stephanie McMahon is arguably at her all-time most annoying here as the owner of ECW. The predator-type hair, the shrieking, and the awful puss face while dancing to Booker T’s entrance music. This would make Vicki Guerrero blush. Intros alternate between teams so to not give anyone an advantage pre-match. DDP is out last for team WCW. The brawl starts before Stone Cold even comes out. His pop is HUGE. The action starts with 5 on 5 outside the ring. Austin brings Rhyno into the ring and the bell rings. Austin quickly low blows Rhyno (um, heel?) and hits a running knee. Shoot-off and a Lou Thesz press. Diving elbow gets two for Austin. Austin puts Rhyno on the top turnbuckle and chops him four times. Stone Cold climbs and hits a superplex. That may be the quickest superplex in wrestling history. What the fuck were the WCW/ECW guys doing while this was happening? It was in the corner closest to theirs! This get a two count as D-Von breaks the count. Jim Ross comments that that was the match there, and it was over if not for that. Man, that sure makes Rhyno seems like a pussy, no? Jericho in now and he chops at Rhyno and hits a flying forearm. Rhyno finally takes over and clotheslines Jericho and gets him isolated in the heel corner. Booker T in now and he chops at Jericho. Jericho with chops of his own. He REALLY liked to chop in 2001 and into his title reign. Running bulldog gets two as Rhyno breaks and hits his own man. Jericho hits a springboard dropkick to send Rhyno out and then a dropkick off the top to Booker T for two. Angle is tagged in and he slugs away on Booker T. Crowd is really into him at this point. Irish whip leads to a spin kick from Booker T and he tags in D-Von. Spinning back-elbow from D-Von but he misses a splash in the corner and Angle tags Kane in. Sidewalk slam to D-Von gets two with DDP breaking it up. Bubba saves D-Von from a Chokeslam but then Kane hits a big back suplex. Shoot-off and Bubba runs back in and they hit a tag-team neckbreaker. Now Bubba gets an actual tag and they slug it out. Kane hits a flying clothesline off the top and tags in the Undertaker. Taker punches Bubba around but Bubba gets a back-elbow off a charge and tries to take over. It lasts about one more move before Undertaker gets a big leg drop for two. Taker goes old school as again apparently none of the heels want to run to the next corner and throw him off. Sheesh. Taker cleans out the heels but DDP hits a hotshot on Taker. Rhyno in and he takes it to Taker in the corner. Now a tag to DDP who does more of the same. Boy they are tagging briskly tonight. Clothesline gets a two count. Shoot-off and DDP gets a big DDT for two. Wow, DDP getting some good offense in here. Booker T is tagged back in and hits a spin kick on Taker. Jim Ross then mocks the Spinarooni as a “devastating move”. Spin kick gets two. Both guys up and off the ropes Taker and hits his big flowing DDT, a move that pretty much everybody has as a running grapple in the Smackdown vs. Raw videogame series. Rhyno breaks up the pinfall. Stone Cold finally back in and Austin gets an eye poke on Booker and stomps a mudhole in the corner. They save a botched grapple with Stone Cold bouncing back off the turnbuckle with a big clothesline. Stunner is countered and Austin throws Booker outside the ring and into the crowd. Austin then suplexes him back to ringside and rolls him back in the ring. Quickest crowd brawling ever. That was literally the extent of the spot. Jericho in now for slaps of course. Walls of Jericho attempt but DDP runs in so Jericho puts the move on him. Lionsault is avoided by Booker and he ends up hot shotting Jericho off the ropes and tags D-Von in. Bubba in for more slaps on Jericho. Both Dudleys in and they try for a tag team Irish whip but Jericho gets a clothesline and spin kick for our first double KO. Crowd claps and cheers on the WWF as Angle gets tagged in and hits a belly-to-belly on both Dudleys. Bubba Bomb off of DDP interference and D-Von is back in for a leg drop. Taker breaks the cover. “Paul E. sucks” chant from the crowd. Well, a couple vocal guys in the front row at least. Rhyno in and he hits a big belly-to-belly on Angle. Austin breaks the count and flips off the ref to a big pop. Angle is your WWF Superstar in peril as the Dudleys work him over. Booker T in and he gets the Axe kick and Spinarooni for two. DDP tagged in and hits a spinning powerbomb(!) for two. Holy moveset, Batman. Austin broke up that pinfall attempt and stalks around the ring while the crowd chants for him. In the ring, Whazzup drop from D-Von. DDP in for more and hits a facelock slam and then continues to work the front facelock on Angle. Angle moves DDP towards the WWF corner while still in the facelock for a big hot tag to Austin but the ref didn’t see the tag. The heels drag Angle back to their corner. Diamond Cutter by DDP is called a neckbreaker by Cole. Ok Cole, that was fucking terrible. JR saves it somewhat by calling the move correctly then. The action breaks down now as Rhyno mistakenly goars Booker T. Action spills outside the ring leaving Undertaker and DDP. Chokeslam to DDP and Taker calls for the Last Ride. Charles Robinson (WCW ref on the outside for those reading this in the year 2025) breaks this up as Taker is not the legal man and Robinson ends up taking the Last Ride. DDP bails on the match and Undertaker follows him through the crowd. Austin is being looked at by the medical staff outside for his knee. They don’t really follow up on this. The Dudley Boys double-team Kane and just idle around for a bit before they grab a table and set it up against the barricade. Kane fights back and chokeslams D-Von through the announcer’s table. It’s 3 on 1 here with Rhyno and the Dudleys taking control over Kane. They double suplex Kane through the OTHER announce table. Rhyno wanders by the regular table on the barricade (from five minutes before) and Jericho reappears and spears him off the apron through that table. That looked like it hurt. Angle and Booker T are the legal men apparently and both are down in the ring. Bubba back in the ring and both Booker T and him double team Angle before Kurt comes alive with a German suplex to Booker T, Angle Slam to Bubba and then the Ankle lock on Booker but he kicks out of it and bumps the ref. Vince tosses the championship belt in to Angle but Shane jumps in and grabs it and kills Vince with it. Angle clotheslines Shane out of the ring and then tosses Bubba. Angle Slam to Booker T and the straps come down and Booker T taps to the Ankle lock, but there is no ref. Stone Cold revives the ref with Booker still in the hold but Austin kicks Angle in the head, then hits the Stunner and puts Booker on top for the pin. Crowd is NOT pleased there. Afterwards Stone Cold, of course, poses in each corner with the belt and beats down Angle a bit more. Austin poses with the WCW/ECW owners and calls for beers to celebrate. Um, you’re the heel remember? He did this same shit at the previous Wrestlemania. It confused the crowd more at WM17 then it did here. Well, at least he then flips the crowd off at the end as they booed him. (29:03)

***3/4 It’s pretty hard to mess up a 5 on 5 match with such star power and this did not disappoint. No rest holds and very few dead spots until everything spilled outside. Not enough Austin though. The heels did a very good job of keeping a brisk pace, tagging in and out quite frequently. Couple of bonehead logic miscues by them but hey, its wrestling logic. All the tagging made the review read kind of crappy but I wanted to capture everything.

Extras:

Rob Van Dam Invades: Kayfabe interview and backstage bits from the ppv with RVD. He talks about being overly confident and does a lot of his catchphrases. I was hoping for highlights of when he first showed up in the WWF or something. Silly me.

Prepare for Battle!: Just clips of multiple wrestlers looking in the mirror, checking makeup, warming up and getting ready for their entrance music to hit.

Parting Words: Well not really words. Just very short clips (I’m talking 5 seconds) of guys walking out to the backstage area after their match. No commentary or parting words. Bait and switch!

Aftermath Interviews: Post match comments from a bunch of guys. Interestingly enough, the Kurt Angle one wouldn’t load and gave me the XBOX 360 screen. Typical ten second interviews about how the guys should have won or how they did win. Boring.

Bottom Line: I’d like to give Cleveland their props for putting on a good show. They were really into it and that helped a lot. You don’t see that kind of sustained heat nowadays. Three matches are ***1/2 or better and worth checking out. The rest is RAW or Smackdown filler that was pretty lame. The extras on the DVD are awful – would it have killed them to have the match from Heat? I’m going thumbs in the middle but leaning up. For $10 you can get it new in all its non-blurred WWF graphic glory. For archiving purposes, it’s a recommendation to check out and add to your collection.

Up next: Summerslam 2001