Oddly enough, I never did an actual rant on this show last year, so with it airing on WWE 24/7 it seems like a good enough time to revisit it.

- Live from Orlando, FL.

- Your hosts are JR, King, Cole, yada yada.

Belfast Brawl: JBL v. Finlay

I originally watched the show at the movie theater, and the first time that the open air stadium was shown, there was a gasp from the crowd. It's a tad less impressive on the small screen (and cropped to 4 x 3) but still an amazing sight. Quite the opposite of amazing is the video package that sets this up, highlighting 2 minutes of a retarded storyline involving a midget being the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon. JBL attacks to start and boots him down on the floor, but Finlay sends him into the stairs and they head into the ring. Finlay goes right for the plunder, but takes a garbage can in the head as a result. JBL brings the stairs in, but can't get a piledriver on them, as Finlay fires back with the dreaded COOKIE SHEET OF DEATH. That gets two. JBL boots him down again and fires away in the corner with his weak-ass shots, but Hornswoggle gets involved and distracts him. Finlay clubs JBL out of the ring and goes for a table, but can't whip JBL into it. JBL goes out and smacks the midget around, which draws Finlay out for some brawling on the floor, but he dives at JBL and hits a trashcan lid instead. Back in, JBL gets two. He stops to chuck the trashcan at Hornswoggle (and really, who doesn't want to?), but Finlay comes back with more lids. Finlay gets the fireman's carry roll and then sends JBL into the table, but that only gets two. JBL whacks him in the knee with the kendo stick and finishes with the lariat at 9:11, however. And from this we got an endless JBL push that endures to this day. Standard harmless family-friendly "hardcore" match. **1/2

Money In The Bank: John Morrison v. MVP v. CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Carlito v. Shelton Benjamin v. Mr. Kennedy

Everyone runs for the ladders to start and MVP steals one and fights off the rest with it. Smart guy. He has a jousting match with Jericho and loses that, but Morrison brings a ladder to the top and then moonsaults everyone else to the floor with it! You'd think physics would be working against you there, too. Kennedy makes the first climb and Jericho stops him and catapults him into the ladder, but that just allows him to climb up easier. Morrison heads up as well and they slug it out, leading to Benjamin joining them for a Tower of Doom spot off the ladder. Carlito tries dumping Shelton off the ladder, but he walks the ropes to block before toppling off anyway. Punk's turn next, but Shelton hauls him off, only to get caught with a GTS. Kennedy hits Punk with a fireman's carry roll onto a ladder to get rid of him, and then MVP kicks Kennedy out. Carlito takes out MVP with a ladder to the knee and climbs for it, but Shelton brings him down and spinkicks him. Shelton climbs, but Kennedy and Carlito tip over the ladder and Shelton takes a flat back bump out of the ring onto a ladder, which is a batshit crazy spot that I hate to see. Morrison clears the ring and climbs for it, but Jericho stops him with the Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder. Kennedy uses that moment to climb himself, but soon we've got four guys slugging it out on top, and they all go down. So everyone's dead and MVP goes for it…but Matt Hardy runs out of the crowd an takes him out with a Twist of Fate off the ladder. You'd think Matt would have climbed and taken the briefcase, but he ended up as ECW champion anyway so he did OK. In retrospect, this was the start of a REALLY bad year for poor MVP. Jericho drops Carlito on a pair of crossed ladders in a weird, contrived spot, allowing Morrison to climb up before getting dumped out, as we whittle away the contenders. Jericho climbs and gets an apple in the face from Carlito, but Kennedy gets rid of Carlito. Punk takes him out with a mini-ladder, but Jericho gets a Codebreaker to get rid of Punk. But Punk isn't that easy to kill, as he climbs up and fights it out with Jericho on top of the ladder. Jericho hits Punk with the case, but gets hung up in the ladder and Punk wins Money in the Bank at 13:56. And obviously that worked out quite well for him. I wasn't really blown away by this, as it seemed to be spot-setup-spot-setup-spot without any real connecting thread, but then with 7 guys in there it's nearly impossible to do anything but a series of one-on-one vignettes. ***1/2

Umaga v. Batista

The Battle for Brand Supremacy! Which is funny considering that Batista switched brands right after this. Batista powers Umaga out of the ring, but walks into a leg lariat back in the ring. A big boot puts Batista on the floor. Back in, big splash gets two. Umaga whips him into the corner and yells a lot, as samoans are wont to do, and they do a lazy slugfest to set up the NERVE PINCH OF DEATH from Umaga. C'mon, this is the BATTLE FOR BRAND SUPREMACY, put some effort into it. Umaga goes up and misses a headbutt by a mile, but Batista can't slam him. Too bad, because if he had, well, I don't need to tell you how that might have affected the supremacy of the brands. So it's back to the neck massage as Batista will if nothing else be thoroughly relaxed by the end of the match, and Umaga gets a samoan drop for two. Batista, and by extension ALL OF SMACKDOWN, makes the comeback as fans sarcastically do the "boo/yay" thing, actually cheering Umaga because Batista sucks so much here. Batista comes back with a spinebuster and thank god, finishes with the demon bomb at 7:07, even managing to fuck that up. SMACKDOWN REIGNS SUPREME. Well now I can sleep at night knowing that. 1/2*

ECW World title: Chavo Guerrero v. Kane

Chavo gets the ignominious honor of breaking SD Jones' 9 second loss record, as he mouths off to Kane and gets chokeslammed and pinned to give Kane the ECW World title at 0:03.

Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn puts him down off a headlock and teases a strut, but thinks better of it. Flair tries a hammerlock and Shawn reverses, but Flair takes him down with a drop toehold. They continue with the hammerlock until Flair hiptosses out of it. Shoving match in the corner and Shawn gives him a slap for his troubles, so Ric fires back with the chops. They exchange those until Shawn puts his head down and gets booted, and Flair follows with the back elbow and drops the knee. Flair charges and gets elbowed down, but Shawn goes up and gets slammed off. Flair goes up as well and gets a high cross for two, then follows with a kneecrusher, but Shawn boots him out of the ring. He follows with a baseball slide and tries a moonsault press off the apron, but misses and takes out the announce table instead. Back in, Flair takes over and whips him into the corner and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Delayed vertical suplex gets two. Shawn fights back with chops and a neckbreaker, and he backdrops Flair onto the floor. He follows with a moonsault to the floor that misses by a foot, and back in Flair takes over.

They trade chops with the crowd clearly booing Shawn now, and Shawn gets the flying forearm and kips up. Flying elbow and Shawn sets up for the superkick, but hesitates and gets put in the figure-four as a result. Shawn reverses to escape and they try one last pinfall reversal sequence, but Flair just can't do it anymore. To me, that was the saddest part. Shawn with a sunset flip for two. Flair whips him into the corner and clips the knee, but Shawn cradles off the figure-four attempt for two. Flair gets another one and pulls Shawn into the middle of the ring, but he fights and makes the ropes. Flair stops to style and profile, and walks into the superkick as a result. Shawn gets two off that. Shawn sets up again, but this time Flair goes low and gets two. Shawn comes back with an inverted figure-four, but Flair makes the ropes and thumbs him in the eye. Rollup gets two. Flair chops him again, but Shawn fires back with a superkick on instinct and Flair is done. But he sets up one more time and we get the now-famous "I'm sorry and I love you", and the superkick ends Flair's career at 20:23.

I still don't think it's that great of a match, although the storyline argument is an entirely different one. Outside of the obvious missed spots, the thing that really bugs about the match is that I didn't ENJOY it. The best matches for me are joyous ones, with two guys beating each other up for a grudge or the joy of combat or a title. This was a sad occasion, the greatest wrestler in history being forced to go out on someone else's terms long after he should have made that decision himself, and it brought me no joy. Yeah, it was good for the most part, but would 1989 Flair have watched this and wanted to go out in a match where he couldn't even bridge up on the pinfall reversal spot? ***1/4

Playboy Bunny Lumberjack match: Ashley Massaro & Maria v. Beth Phoenix & Melina

Ashley and Maria both look ridiculous here, especially Ashley who looks like 60 pounds of human being and 20 pounds of silicon. Beth slugs it out with Ashley to start and Ashley can't even bump into the corner properly. Maria comes in and tosses Melina, and back in for a broncobuster for two. Ashley comes in with a headscissor takedown and they do a messy collision in the corner, which gives Melina two. Ashley goes out and gets beat up by the other women, and back in for a bearhug from Phoenix. Melina moonsaults off Beth's shoulders for two. Maria comes back in as the lights go out, thus boosting this match * instantly because we can't watch it. I bet Vince was blowing a gasket backstage. Beth with the double-arm chickening on Maria, but Maria reverses to a bulldog for two. Beth and Melina collide in the dark to get rid of Melina, and Maria bulldogs Beth for two. Santino breaks it up, so Jerry Lawler punches him out for an angle that didn't go anywhere, but Beth finishes Maria with the fisherman's suplex at 5:58. Thus begins the glorious tale of GLAMARELLA! 1/4* Snoop Dogg clotheslines Santino, however, on behalf of the honor of bitches and ho's the world over.

RAW World title: Randy Orton v. John Cena v. HHH

John Cena's drumline entrance is pretty cool. See, the excitement over Orton challenging for HHH's title at WM25 is tempered somewhat by the fact that he was defending that very title here already, so it's not like it's any new thing for him. Three-way slugfest to start and HHH clears the ring, then brawls with Orton over to the tables. Back in, HHH grabs the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Cena breaks it up with an FU attempt. HHH stops that with a low blow, allowing Orton to hit him with the neckbreaker and pound away on the mat. We get an epic DOUBLE GARVIN STOMP as Orton shows the charisma and talent that have given him a push for so goddamned long that we all just want to claw our own eyes out. Orton goes up and Cena follows, but HHH assists with a Doomsday Device on Cena. Cena rolls through on Orton with an FU attempt, but Orton cradles for two and HHH takes them both out. Orton recovers first and gets the DDT on both guys. He's coiled like a snake! Or a huge shit, whatever. Cena comes back with the necksnap and goes up with the fameasser, but Orton heads out of the ring to escape. He suckers Cena into a chase and sends him into the ringpost, but HHH attacks Orton on the way back in. HHH goes for the knee, but stops to go after Cena again and walks into an RKO. Cena takes Orton down for the STFU, but even yelling "TAP!" doesn't entice him to do so, and he makes the rope. Possibly like a snake, I'm not sure. HHH gets rid of Cena again and continues on Orton with an Indian deathlock, but Cena quickly breaks that up. Back to the STFU, which looks really lame thanks to a closeup of how gently Cena is holding it, and HHH breaks it up and puts Cena into a crossface instead. Cena makes the ropes, however, as the crowd has now moved to openly booing him. They do the boo/yay bit as per contractual obligation, but Cena makes the comeback with a shoulderblock and powerbomb. Five knuckle shuffle and FU, but HHH reverses out and clotheslines him. Spinebuster and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE gets two, but Orton kicks HHH in the head and pins Cena to retain at 14:08. What an anticlimactic finish. The Cena v. HHH portions felt epic and WM-like and Orton just sucked the fun out of it. ***1/4 It was pretty forgettable overall and HHH winning the belt a month later rendered it all pretty pointless anyway.

Floyd Mayweather v. Big Show

Even after the video packages and a year of perspective, I STILL don't get what the point of this match even was or who I was supposed to be cheering for. The buildup makes Show look like a bullying heel and Mayweather like a plucky athlete, but at the actual show you've suddenly got Mayweather as a preening heel and Show as a serious babyface. Show chases Mayweather around and they do some boxing, which Mayweather gets the best of. Floyd stops for a drink from his Holy Grail, so Show beats up one of his posse to make a point. Show finally gets his hands on Mayweather, but Floyd jumps on for an attempt at a sleeper. Show goes down, which is so ridiculous that the crowd has to boo it, so Show takes him down and stomps the hand. He steps on Mayweather in the corner while the cornerman is all "He can't be doing that! He can't be stepping on him!" You tell him! Show with a sideslam and headbutt. That's enough for Mayweather and he bails out, but Show fights off the handlers and drags him back to the ring for the chokeslam, but one of the nameless horde breaks it up with a chair. Mayweather beats Show down with the chair, hits him low, and knocks him out with brass knuckles at 11:32. Total freakshow, and Mayweather was never seen in WWE again. **

Smackdown World title: Edge v. Undertaker

Edge slugs away in the corner to start, but walks into a clothesline and ends up on the floor. He necksnaps Edge on the way back in and pounds him with elbows in the corner, but runs into a boot. He comes back with a clothesline for two and starts working on the arm, but Edge counters Old School. Taker chokes him out in the corner and hits a running knee, but hurts himself in the process and bumps to the floor. Edge spears him off the apron and into the railing, which is pretty impressive considering how far that railing is from the ring. Edge follows with a baseball slide and pounds away on the floor. Back in, he gets a shoulderblock in the corner and stomps UT down, but Taker tosses him and follows with the tope con hilo. Back in, the legdrop on the apron gets two. Taker goes for the powerbomb, but the back gives way and Edge boots him down for two. They fight to the floor and Edge dumps Taker into the front row, and then back in for a half-crab. Taker counters for two, but Edge turns it back into a leglock. Taker fights up and they slug it out to wake up the crowd, and Taker wins that and gets a pair of corner clotheslines and Snake Eyes. Edge comes back with a dropkick, however, and gets two. They fight over a chokeslam and Edge turns it into the Impaler for two. Another series of counters and Taker gets the chokeslam for two. He goes up and Edge blocks, then brings him down with a superplex for two. He stupidly slugs away in the corner and Taker tries the Last Ride off that, but Edge counters out with a neckbreaker for two. Taker tries again and gets it this time, but only gets two. So it's Tombstone time, but Edge reverses to the Edge-O-Matic for two. They collide and Taker goes Old School, but the ref gets bumped and Edge gets an inverted DDT. Edge lays the badmouth on him and Taker tries a chokeslam, so Edge kicks him in the nuts and grabs his trusty handheld camera. Sadly, even with an awesome finisher like that, the ref is still out, so Edge tries a Tombstone instead and UT reverses to his own. Charles Robinson streaks out at record speed to count two, winning Wrestlemania MVP for the night. Edge's goons follow him out and promptly get destroyed by Undertaker, but that allows Edge to get the spear for two. Another one hits, but Taker wraps him up in the Google Platypus and Edge taps away the belt at 23:51. Started slow but turned into a heapin' helpin' of hot near-falls and reversal drama, making for a worthy close to the show. ****1/4

The Pulse

Sorry, kids, but this one just didn't hold up for me. It may have worked well in the moment as a Big Event, but there's just no substance here or truly memorable stuff outside of the retirement of Flair, and the matches weren't that great. I'd have to rank this one a lot lower than it looked like it was going to be right afterwards. Plus Flair v. Michaels is available on the Flair DVD and Edge had a bunch of better matches with Undertaker later in the year anyway.

- As a companion to the MSG show from two weeks before the first Wrestlemania, here's the episode of All-American (which begat Primetime Wrestling, which begat Monday Night RAW) that aired the night of Wrestlemania. I bet they're gonna be hyping Wrestlemania.

- Hosted by Mean Gene.

The British Bulldogs v. Rene Goulet & Barry O

The ring announcer calls him "Bobby O" to really rub in his jobber status. This is pretty near the debut for the Bulldogs. Goulet takes Dynamite down with an armbar to start, but Kid pops up and hiptosses him. Goulet takes him down again, but Kid bridges out and monkey-flips Goulet out for the tag. Over to Barry, and Davey Boy controls him with a headlock and armdrags. Kid with a slam for two and a crucifix for two. Goulet comes in and gets double-teamed by the Bulldogs, and Kid adds a gutwrench and a missile dropkick. Davey jumps over Kid with own missile dropkick, taking out Barry O as the crowd goes pretty crazy for a TV taping. Barry hits Dynamite with a clothesline, but Kid tags out to Davey and it's back to Goulet again. Davey quickly powerslams him for two, then puts Barry on his shoulders and Kid does the diving headbutt off them for the pin at 4:01 as the place goes insane. That was, dare I say, a Midnight Express-esque squash for them.

UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES! Alfred does this deadly serious introduction and then shows a video of JYD dancing with some kids. Now that's some hard-hitting journalism.

Big John Studd v. Jim Young

Didn't see many Studd squashes on TV for whatever reason. Bobby Heenan is carrying around $15,000 and a bag of Andre's hair. That's kind of creepy. Young tries for the bodyslam payoff right away, but Studd pounds him down and gets one before picking him up. He drops him on the top rope for two, but now Andre comes down to the ring and it's a DQ at 1:10. Andre kicks his ass and Studd gets out before any bodyslamming can occur.

Wrestlemania Update with Mean Gene, and he brings out Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper for their comments. Sadly Wendi doesn't get to talk and thus I'm robbed of my usual chance to mock her manly voice. She sounds like Steve McMichael, you see.

Mad Maxine v. Susan Starr

Maxine, who is 6 feet tall with a green Mohawk, was going to be set up as the next challenger for Richter and had a character model done for Hulk Hogan's Rock N Wrestling and everything, but then she just disappeared and was basically never heard from in wrestling again. Maybe it had to do with Richter getting fired and the women's division collapsing on itself, I dunno. They call her 6'4", but that's how tall I am and Maxine is barely taller than the ref so I think they're exaggerating that one somewhat. Maxine takes Starr down a few times, but Starr gets a drop toehold and controls with a leglock on the mat. Maxine powers her down again and a suplex finishes at 2:34.

- Let us take you back to Piper's Pit, where Paul Orndorff calls Mr. T a "spider-monkey" and rubs a banana on his picture. Classy.

- And now for the other side of the story, Hulk Hogan and Mr. T journey to New York to see the sights, and then train for the Wrestlemania main event by going to Central Park to beat up muggers. Do they wear nametags or something? I am incredibly disappointed that we don't actually get to see them exacting vigilante justice to prepare for a professional wrestling match. T's camo gear is somewhat offset by Hulk's bright red leotard. And then it's off to the gym (with "Eye of the Tiger" helpfully dubbed over) for some latently gay training footage before they head to the subway, presumably to beat up more muggers. Although that's never confirmed one way or another.

Greg Valentine v. ???

I don't speak Bruno so I can't quite decipher the jobber name (Pompei?). Anyway, usual squash from Valentine, as he pounds the jobber with elbows and hits the chinlock. The jobber comes back with a takedown in the corner, but Valentine knees him down again and adds a suplex for two. Gutbuster and he chokes him out on the ropes, then works the leg with a half-crab before finishing with the figure-four at 4:30.

- Mean Gene brings in a clean-shaven Captain Lou and the US Express for final comments before Wrestlemania.

- Mean Gene does the final hard sell, wrapping things up one last time and doing a damn sight better job of it than any PPV that WWE has done in years. They've kinda lost the used car salesman approach that Gene used to bring, replacing it with video packages and that rock music all the kids are listening to. Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Next week: Ricky Steamboat & Jimmy Snuka v. Goldie Rogers & Terry Gibbs! British Bulldogs v. Matt Borne & Mr. X! Sadly, this was just a one-shot deal on WWE 24/7 and we'll never know who wins those epic clashes.

Now I kinda want to check out Wrestlemania again when it airs on 24/7 next week.

So this is of course two weeks before the first ever Wrestlemania, which shows you the kind of drawing power they used to have in MSG.

- Taped from New York.

- Your hosts are Gorilla & Mean Gene.

Rocky Johnson v. Charlie Fulton

Rocky uses some fancy footwork to hold a hammerlock, but Fulton rolls him up, so Rocky reverses to a headscissors. Fulton tries a wristlock and Johnson reverses out of it and does the goofy dancing stuff to chase Fulton out of the ring. Back in, Fulton pounds away in the corner, but Rocky finishes with a sunset flip at 3:47. Wasn't much of an opener. I hear Johnson's kid did some good stuff in the sport, though. 1/2*

Barry O v. Rene Goulet

Speaking of those eclipsed by their offspring (or relatives thereof), Barry's nephew Randy had a tad more success. They trade armbars to start and Orton works a headscissors. This is boring, so here's a random fun fact about Barry Orton: He tried for a movie career after getting blacklisted from wrestling, and changed his name to Barrymore Barlow. I kid you not, look it up on imdb.com. This shitty match continues unabated with Goulet escaping Barry's paralyzing array of headlocks (if you want to know where Randy got it from, look no further) and getting his clawhold, using Orton's mop of hair to keep him down. Orton's faux-Ricky Morton babyface look here is something to behold, as he looks like an aging hair metal singer rather than a teen idol. A body slam is his big comeback move, and that gets two. Powerslam gets two. Goulet takes him down with a headlock to end that awesome torrent of offense and the crowd boos the crap out of this. Barry comes back with an atomic drop, but runs into a knee and Goulet gets two. Barry comes back with a small package and the ref is so sick of this stupid match that he fast-counts to end it at 8:48. Way to go, Dee Snyder! 1/4*

Jim Neidhart v. SD Jones

Boy, they're really stacking this card up and down, aren't they? Neidhart pounds him down to start, but Jones grabs a headlock. Neidhart accuses him of pulling his beard, but SD gives him a hiptoss and works on an armbar. Neidhart tries slamming out, but Jones hangs on. Anvil clotheslines out as Gorilla gets on his weird high horse about that move being an "automatic disqualification" like he did at Wrestlemania III. Gorilla could have some really weird beefs. Neidhart pounds on him in the corner and goes to a chinlock. SD makes the comeback, but walks into a powerslam and gets pinned at 6:50. Well, he'd have another chance to do better against King Kong Bundy two weeks later. 1/2*

King Kong Bundy v. Jose Luis Rivera

Speak of the devil. Bundy has a cape here, making him look like Homer Simpson in the episode where he gets really fat. Big splash gets two, but Bundy picks him up. Now what's the legality of picking someone up if he asks for the five count? Like if he gets four and then picks him up, did he still win the match? Avalanche and Big Fat Elbow finishes at 2:22. Well, Rivera did better than SD at Wrestlemania. DUD

Piper's Pit! Roddy relates the tale of St. Patrick's Day and how they used to chase the snakes out of Ireland. Is that where the whole Whacking Day gag came from? Piper brings out Paul Orndorff as backup in case Mr. T gets in his face. So we've got Piper/Orton/Orndorff on one side and T/Hogan/Snuka on the other and you can see where this is going. Piper, twitchier than usual here, talks trash and shows a series of paintings which depict Mr. T in various states of injury after the Wrestlemania main event, but even donning a Mohawk wig isn't enough to trigger a brawl, as T keeps his cool and breaks the pictures instead. This was the hardest of the hard sells.

David Sammartino v. Matt Borne

David gets some quality shoving in, but Borne hammers on him and follows with a belly to belly suplex out of the corner. He drops a knee and goes to a chinlock, but Sammartino slugs him down and backdrops him out of the corner. And now David goes to the chinlock. And then Borne chinlocks him right back. I feel so sorry for this crowd tonight. Finally they slug it out and Borne misses a blind charge, allowing David to suplex him for two. He goes up, but Borne slams him off for two. Another slam is reversed by Sammartino into a cradle for the pin at 8:25. David was just not very good. 1/2*

Andre the Giant, Junkyard Dog & Jimmy Snuka v. John Studd, Ken Patera & Jesse Ventura

This has got potential. JYD backdrops Patera after some heel stalling, then Andre comes in and rams Patera and Studd's heads together. Big boot for Patera and Dog is right there with headbutts, as Patera gets the hell out of there. Finally back in, JYD gets trapped in the heel corner and choked out by Ventura, triggering the big brawl. After order is restored, Dog is your face-in-peril, and Jesse pounds on him in the corner in between posturing. That doesn't last long, as JYD gets pissed and fights Ventura off, then brings Snuka in for more abuse of the Body. Snuka drops a fist off the middle rope, but Jesse uses his trademark THUMB TO THE EYE~! More cheating from the heels and Studd comes in for the slam, which gets two. Studd and Patera switch off with bearhugs on Snuka and hold him in the corner. Hot tag Andre, however, and he goes for the slam on Studd, but Jesse comes in to save. That goes…badly for him. Andre kicks the shit out of Jesse and the Superfly splash finishes at 10:05. You knew that Jesse was taking the fall here, although he was pretty tremendous with his overblown antics. **

Ricky Steamboat v. Terry Gibbs

Gibbs attacks to start and pounds on Ricky, but gets backdropped out of the corner. Gibbs hides in the ropes and we get a rather long stalling sequence before Gibbs dumps Steamboat and pounds him on the apron. Back in, Gibbs gets a cheapshot in the corner and a slam for two. Atomic drop follows, but Steamboat fires back with chops and finishes with the high cross at 4:30. Not much here. 1/2*

Intercontinental title, lumberjack match: Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana.

Valentine attacks to start, but Tito sends the fists a'flyin and Hammer retreats to the floor. The heels are none too quick to help him back in, but luckily Ricky Steamboat is there to set things right. Back in, Tito catches a boot and hits him with an atomic drop into a kneelift, and Greg runs away again, where JYD sends him right back in. Tito hammers away in the corner, but Valentine takes him down with his own atomic drop, but Tito just keeps on firing away. Tito rings the ears (which Mean Gene calls all AWA old school as a "skullcracker"), and knees him down with some surprisingly vicious stuff, into an elbow off the second rope for two. Valentine makes a run for it, right into the face side, and they carry him back in the hard way. Tito slugs away again, but gets too fired up and runs into a knee for two. Valentine takes over in his usual methodical style, dropping the Hammer for two. He starts working on the leg and tries rolling him into a half-crab, but Tito slugs out of it. And now it's Titos' turn to get tossed to the floor and back in by the heels. Back in, Valentine hits him with a forearm off the middle rope and sets up for the figure-four, but Tito reverses for two. Valentine levels him with a forearm to win a slugfest, then drops an elbow for two. Greg slugs away in the corner, but takes a step back and that allows Tito to drop down to his back and monkey-lift him into the turnbuckle to come back. They slug it out and Valentine goes down, but Tito won't let him run away. Suplex gets two and he drops a knee on Valentine's head and tries his own figure-four, but Hammer flips out of it and then runs away. The faces chase him back in, and he runs right into a forearm from Tito, and THAT sets up the figure-four for real. Sadly, Jimmy Hart distract the ref, allowing John Studd to drag Valentine to the ropes, and Tito gets all distracted. Valentine attacks him and they slug it out, but Tito collapses and Valentine falls on top for the pin to retain at 15:07. Not the upper echelon for them or anything, but it's always a good combination. ***1/4

This was not exactly high quality stuff. The Valentine-Tito match certainly wasn't worth sitting through the other 90 minutes to get to. Take a pass.

- Your hosts are Tony & David. This is likely taped before the Omni show with the US tag title tournament they've been hyping for weeks, so no mention of the results or even the show here.

- And we're at breakneck speed again this week, so the Andersons are right there for a promo against Magnum TA, Dusty, and the Rock N Roll Express.

Magnum TA v. Vern Deaton.

Bing bang boom, belly to belly, you know the drill. And check it out, EARL HEBNER makes his reffing debut for this show.

- Paul Jones and the Baron talk about the total lack of dissention in the Army. This of course proves ironic when Baron gets kicked out. Apparently Manny has taken the money and joined with Rick Rude as part of the Army. What, no turn on Jimmy Valiant to pay it off?

- Jimmy Valiant isn't here to talk about the Ragin' Bull stabbing him in the back (along with everyone else that year), and really who the hell CAN tell what he's here to talk about?

Manny Fernandez v. Mike Simiani

Bull works on the leg to start and finishes with the flying burrito at 0:58. The announcers still treat him like a babyface, so maybe I'm misinterpreting events from the previous interviews, but the turn happens around this point either way.

- Bill and Budro date themselves by putting over Crocodile Dundee (the hottest movie in America, daddy!).

Tim Horner v. Randy Mulkey

Horner overpowers Mulkey and works a headlock. He does some mat wrestling and bridges for the pin at 1:44. Horner was one of those guys with a good look and good matches, but just couldn't find the right gimmick to get himself over.

- Robert Gibson joins us for a solo interview.

The Andersons & Tully Blanchard v. Rocky Kernodle, Bill Tabb & Charles Freeman

Ole cranks on Tabb's arm and Arn drops a knee. Over to Freeman and Tully immediately jumps him and throws knees, then puts him on the floor. Back in, Arn drops a knee and Tully chokes him out on the ropes. Ole goes to the armbar and Arn finishes with the gourdbuster at 3:49. Man, Kernodle didn't even get to tag in for his token offense.

- Dusty Rhodes joins us to explain the rigors of defending the World TV title.

Baron Von Raschke & Shaska Whatley v. Lee Peak & Bill Mulkey

Shaska backdrops Mulkey out of the corner as they clarify the Manny situation: Jones is still TRYING to buy him off. I wonder if the turn happened at the Omni show and that's why they're being so vague? Over to Peak and the Baron sends him into the corner and puts him down with a knee to the gut. Shaska finishes with the superplex at 2:53.

The Midnight Express v. Keith Patterson & Randy Barber

I'm guessing Cornette's pre-match rant is gonna be longer than the match. Dennis powerslams Patterson and Bobby comes in with a back elbow and the flying knee while Cornette takes potshots at the jobbers. Over to Barber, who I hear is so ugly that when he opens the door at Halloween kids give him candy, and Dennis chops him down and finishes him with the Rocket Launcher at 1:48.

- And we've gotta squeeze Ric Flair in here, of course. His logic is that if the Crocketts are worth millions, he's gotta be worth almost as much himself. You've gotta be a dude to hang with him in the ring.

- Magnum TA is increasingly annoyed by Jimmy Garvin and the way Precious keeps yakking at him about what's gonna happen.

Ron Garvin v. Gary Royal

Hands of stone and we're done.

- Jimmy Garvin thinks Magnum should be taken to jail for touching Precious, and perhaps Magnum's grandpa used to beat his grandma and that's where his social problems stem from.

And just like that, we're done. 30 minutes? Oh well, always a good time regardless.

- Ugh, why do I punish myself with this stuff? Unfortunately the original rant is pretty crappy, so let's journey back to the era of Russo & Bischoff. On the bright side, I don't remember any of this shit in the slightest, so much like reruns on NBC, it's new to me! Now where's the alcohol…

- Live from Daytona Beach, FL. And presented by a full nelson!

- Your hosts are Tony, Scott Hudson and Mark Madden.

- Right off the bat I'm fucking annoyed because Tony says "sports entertainment" a million times, which sounds ridiculous on a show that's supposed to be the "alternative" to WWE at the time.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco/Chavo Guerrero v. Juventud Guerrera

Before the show, Ernest Miller banned both factions from ringside upon threat of death, so of course the entire crew of both groups is out there to start. And who's the dude who looks kind of like Rey Mysterio, but without the mask or steroids? They trade chops to start and Chavo gets a pair of atomic drops to put Juvy over the top. Now, I'm assuming the Filthy Animals were supposed to be heels at this point, but the pre-match promos were total babyface stuff and they're certainly way hipper than the jobbers who comprise the Misfits in Action are. Do kids aspire to be like Lash LeRoux? Juvy stalls forever and heads back in, but Chavo blocks a suplex and puts him on the floor with his own, then follows with a pescado. Back in the ring as Juvy oversells everything like a total clown. Clearly he's completely in his element under the Russo regime. Chavo gets a backbreaker for two and goes to an armbar, but Juvy chops out, so Chavo takes him down with a headscissors and a powerslam for two. Juvy comes back with chops, but misses a blind charge and they collide for the double KO. At 5:00 in. Chavo slugs away and puts Juvy on the floor, then follows with a dive from the top. The Filthy Animals (wearing masks in a funny bit) sneak back out to interfere, but the ref tosses them again. Meanwhile, the Juice hits Chavo with a buttdrop from the apron to the floor to take over. Back in, Juvy with a springboard splash for two. They fight to the top and Juvy comes out with a powerbomb for two. An ugly pancake sets up the Juicy Elbow for two, but now MIA does the same mask gimmick and Juvy gets distracted. Chavo tries the tornado DDT, but Juvy counters, and Chavo finally gets an inverted DDT for two. Powerbomb is countered by the Juice, and the Drunk Driver gets two. Chavo comes back with the tornado DDT to retain at 12:09. A fine opener, but all the stupid run-ins weren't needed and nearly ruined it. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett complains to Commissioner Cat that Hogan isn't here yet. He literally has a singing fat lady ready. Oh, Russo.

Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus

This is actually a pretty dignified period for Vito compared to what the WWE had in store for him. Vito gets rid of Ralphus right away and goes after Smiley by the stage, and they head into the back for the "brawl". Ralphus recovers and helps Smiley double-team Vito, which gives us the Wiggle. Norman directs Ralphus in his garbage can lid attack as this gets somehow more embarrassing than I pictured, but Vito is shockingly able to fend off the wrath of Ralphus and comes back. Norman tries to call for the elevator and Vito beats up the caterer, as they fight into the elevator and Norman gets left there. I would like to remind everyone that Vince Russo was paid $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR to think this bullshit up. Vito drags Ralphus down to the ring and beats on him, and they can't even set up a table properly without it breaking. Vito splashes him through the table and gets the pin to retain at 5:55. $2.5 million dollars! For THIS! -**

Kevin Nash is ANGRY. At Goldberg. But first, before that intensely personal grudge match, a wedding gown match between two managers!

Wedding Gown match: Miss Hancock v. Daffney

The incredibly pretentious video package for this idiocy makes it so much easier to hate. Like, imagine Tony Schiavone quotes superimposed on footage from the feud. Hancock gets a handspring elbow, but Daffney takes her down by the hair. They fight on the ropes until the ref and David Flair pull them apart and this just gets stupider by the second. And then the men lose their pants. Hancock gets sent into David's crotch, and now suddenly they're trying to shave Daffney's head for no adequately explored reason. Oh, and then Crowbar runs in and beats up Flair (also in his underwear, of course) before the match grinds to a further halt so Hancock can strip to end the match at 4:18. The announcers question the legality of Hancock removing her own dress, but it ends the match, so I'm fine with it. Astonishingly, Stacy became a pretty decent worker for her position In the company once she went to WWE. This was like, I dunno, a three-ring circus taking place on the back of a train car, and the train derails and crashes into a giant 20 car pileup on the interstate. -****

WCW World tag title: Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik

Adams tosses Palumbo and then presses Stasiak onto him, prompting the champs to take a walk and stall. Back in, Stasiak pounds away in the corner on Clarke, but comes off the top and lands in a uranage. Kronik double-teams Stasiak with an elbow and Adams gets a big boot, so Palumbo comes in. And Adams immediately gets a full nelson slam ("Oh no, not the fatty bo-batty!" sez Madden), but the champs double-team on the floor to take over. This is of course horrifying because Adams' hair threatens to come in contact with the remnants of the wedding cake from the last match, and that would just kill the only appeal as a worker he had left by 2000. Luckily, it escapes unscathed, ready to flow and flip like a third man on the team yet again. Back in, Palumbo pounds away and Adams is in trouble, but the hair is well-conditioned and full of life! Chuck with the sleeper and Stasiak comes in with a back elbow for two. Stasiak pounds away on the ropes and Adams actually stops to do a hair flip while selling. He must have learned from Kevin Nash. Stasiak with the sleeper, like a metaphor for this fucking boring match, and they collide for the double KO. Hot tag Clarke, and while he's fresh, his hair is much greasier than usual, and I feel that could put them at a distinct disadvantage. Meltdown is reversed by Palumbo into a shitty DDT, and now Stasiak comes in and dropkicks everyone. I have seriously seen backyard wrestling tapes that were more professionally contested than this shit. At least no one was slipping and falling on their ass (like Clarke does during a charge to the corner) and charging people $30 to watch it on PPV. The champs double-team Clarke while Adams is busy combing his hair, but luckily he makes the save and tosses Palumbo. F5 for Stasiak and they hit their double chokeslam for two, but it turns into a big sloppy brawl again. Palumbo also takes the pot-themed finisher, but Stasiak breaks it up. So they hit him with a Doomsday Device and win the tag titles at 13:38. Kronik was their own special kind of awful, but at least they were over. And had the hair of a World champion. *1/2

Meanwhile, the Jung Dragons attack the Cat in a bit stolen from the Pink Panther movies.

Kanyon v. Booker T

Booker puts him on the floor with a spinkick right away, tragically knocking the blond wig off. Back in, Kanyon slugs away, but Booker hits him with a dropkick and clotheslines him. Back to the floor goes Kanyon and they have a quick brawl out there, then back in for a Booker clothesline for two. Back to the floor and Kanyon sends him into the railing, then puts the stairs on Booker's arm and whacks it with a chair. Back in, Kanyon puts him against the railing and dropkicks him into it, then brings him back in with a superplex. That gets two. Kanyon puts a chair in the corner, but Booker fights back with a powerslam for two. Kanyon catches him coming out of the corner with a powerbomb for two. Inverted Boston crab follows, but Bookre powers out and gets a rollup for two. Kanyon reverses that for two. Booker fires back with a forearm and a spinebuster for two, but Kanyon's in the ropes. Booker goes after him with the chair, but Kanyon hits him with the BOOK OF DOOM for two. Well the brick fell out, see. Booker spins up and sidekicks Kanyon down, which sets up the ax kick and Bookend for two. He goes up, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and guitars him, and the Kanyon Kutter finishes at 10:00. More of a Nitro match than anything. ***

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome hits on the singing fat lady, but has no luck.

US title: Scott Steiner v. Mike Awesome

They immediately brawl into the crowd and Awesome gives him a backbreaker on the floor as Tony talks about "superstars in sports entertainment". KILL ME NOW. Steiner uses a chair to gain the advantage and they head back in, where Steiner drops the elbow for two. Awesome comes back with a boot out of the corner, but Steiner hits him with a belly to belly for two. Backbreaker sets up a suplex, but Awesome reverses and drops him on the top rope instead. Steiner hits the floor and Awesome drops an elbow from the apron, then beats on him with a chair. Clearly the crowd wants to cheer for Steiner here but WCW insisted on booking him as a heel for whatever reason. Awesome slingshots himself in for two. Flying Awesome clothesline gets two. The Cat comes out to watch as Steiner comes back with the overhead suplex, but Cat stops him from doing the Steiner Recliner for some reason. Steiner knocks him off the apron, allowing Awesome to get a powerbomb for two. Awesome flying splash gets two. Steiner fights off a powerbomb attempt and the ref is bumped, but Cat's interference backfires and he superkicks Awesome by mistake. Steiner gets two off that. Belly to belly and the Steiner Recliner finish at 9:07, but Cat strips him of the title for using the banned finisher. Stupid finish, OK match. Booking was really weird, as Steiner wrestled as a babyface and the Cat acted like a total heel and they did heel spots, but they're supposed to be the exact opposite. **1/2

Graveyard match: The Demon (Dale Torborg) v. Vampiro

Yes, they're in a GRAVEYARD. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Vampiro tries to jump out of a tree, but it misses. I can't imagine how that plan would have failed. They slug it out but you can't actually see anything. Not a complaint, just an observation. Demon manages to shove him into an open grave, but Vampiro pulls him in and then goes after Asya. Demon gives chase after EMOTING~! And then they go swimming. Tony's worry is that there might be alligators in the water. If only. Vampiro drowns the Demon and then goes after Asya again, but luckily Charles Robinson fishes him out. Isn't he supposed to be an immortal spawn of Hell? Can they really drown in two feet of water like that? And then, um, Vampiro pops out of a coffin and breaks a plaster tombstone over Demon's head. So naturally Demon goes into the coffin and gets thrown into the open grave, because really what other finish could you have? That's it, it's over. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

Buff Bagwell v. Shane Douglas

Slugfest to start and Buff dropkicks him out, then pounds on the ribs outside. Douglas goes low and drops him on the railing, but Buff backdrops Douglas onto the floor. Back in, Buff with a neckbreaker, but Shane rolls out and stalls again. They slug it out on the floor and Douglas takes Buff into the post crotch-first, then punches a chair back into Bagwell's face. Douglas is so lame that he goes to a chinlock on the floor, then stops by the announce table to say "Now it's time to go home." Gosh, I guess he's shooting then. Back into the ring and Douglas hits a necksnap before going to a neck vice. Torrie Wilson comes out and distracts Douglas, allowing Bagwell to roll him up for two. Buff with a pump splash for two as Torrie stands on the apron and cheers. What idiot can't see this coming down main street? And sure enough, Torrie turns on him and the Pittsburgh Plunge gets two. Buff comes back with a DDT for two. Buff goes up to finish, but Torrie grabs the leg and the Franchiser jawbreaker finishes at 7:50. **

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan

OK, so there's this match. Russo had this idea where Jarrett would "shoot" and lay down for Hogan because Hogan had creative control (the character, you see) and Russo wanted to get the title off him. In storyline, you see. So Hogan "wins" the title by pinning Jarrett with his foot, but Russo would cut this nasty promo later on and take the title from Hogan, setting up a rematch down the road to re-unify the titles. But then it got really silly, as Hogan (the real person, such as he is) turned around and sued WCW for slander and didn't actually ever come back again. And then it gets worse, as we get the announcers talking about it afterwards, as they're all "Oh wow, this is SO REAL. They didn't go over this at the production meeting!" Remember, with Russo, everything you see is fake, except for what you're watching right now, which is REAL.

And now, back to stuff that definitely IS part of the script, as Vampiro returns to the ring to officially win his match (in case you were worried about it), but a group of Sting clones brings the coffin out, presumably still with the dead body of Dale Torborg in it. However, it actually turns out to be Sting, which is a huge swerve given that the coffin was carried out by 8 guys dressed like Sting. I mean, who would've suspected, right? TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

So as promised, Russo heads out and tells the world his views on Hulk Hogan. Hudson clarifies that it's not Vince Russo The Character, but rather Vince Russo The Boss. Of course, Vince Russo The Boss is a character played on TV by Vince Russo The Person. Anyway, Vince tells the inspiring story of how he came back to WCW to help out the guys who give a shit about the company and Hogan isn't one of those people. Hogan, you see, wants his title back, and Russo doesn't want Jarrett to get beat, but this is actually all storyline because the whole thing was planned. So Russo basically strips Hogan of the title and declares that tonight, Jeff Jarrett faces Booker T in the main event for the title. Nobody in that audience had any clue what the hell Russo was talking about, because everyone who wasn't on the internet (which is still 95% of the audience even today) just thought Hogan was the big star and hero. And really, who was Russo to be out there talking shit after three years in the sport? Tony actually says "shoot" and Hudson SHOWS THE FORMAT SHEET and notes that it's not there anywhere. This show makes me want to blow my brains out to stop the stupidity. Russo was right about one thing: Hogan never did show his face in WCW again, but then went back to WWE and made another zillion dollars because he could still make people think he was the hero. Hogan at least had real accomplishments in the sport, which is more than you can say for Russo.

The Battle for Scott Hall: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash

This was right after Goldberg's disastrous heel turn that basically destroyed his WCW career for good. Nash chokes away in the corner, but Goldberg pushes him down and follows with a suplex for two. They slug it out and Goldberg hits the Bretkiller kick, but Nash chokeslams him for two. And now Scott Steiner joins us, acting like a babyface despite being a heel earlier, which is a sure sign that he's turning on Nash because it's a BIG SWERVE. Goldberg charges and runs into a boot and Nash gets the sideslam for two. Goldberg recovers and tries the spear, but hits the turnbuckle as they're rushing through this like crazy to fit the show into PPV time. Nash sets up to finish, but SWERVEY SWERVE SWERVE and Scott Steiner turns on him. Spear, jackhammer, and Scott Hall's career is DONE at 5:24. How can I live without the Outsiders? *

WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T

Booker takes him down with a headscissors and they do a wrestling sequence, as Booker grabs a headlock. Jarrett slugs out and pounds Booker in the corner, but Booker comes back with a sidekick and they brawl to the floor. Booker whips him into the wall and they head back to ringside, where Jarrett hits him with a chair and they head over to the announce table. Jarrett piledrives him on the table (which doesn't break, prompting a quick joke from Tony about how they finally got the construction right on them) and back in we go. Jarrett with the sleeper, but Booker reverses a figure-four attempt into a small package for two. Another figure-four succeeds, but Booker makes the ropes. Jarrett works the leg, but Booker makes the comeback with the ax kick. Spinarooni and spinebuster get two. Booker tries a sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope, allowing Jarrett to pound him in the corner. Ref is bumped and Jarrett grabs the belt, but Booker gets it and nails Jarrett for two. Jarrett wedges a chair into the corner, but Booker sends him into it for two. Jarrett gets frustrated and takes out the ref, then grabs his guitar and goes up, but the Bookend finishes at 13:41, giving Booker his first World title. They tried to make it "main eventy" but I don't think either guy was really "ready" at that point and the timing was kind of off. Sometimes you've just gotta pull the trigger and see what happens, though. ***

The Pulse:

Although New Blood Rising was more purely self-indulgent on Russo's part, this had the all-time champion Russo "aren't I so important to the world of wrestling" moment in the form of his rant against Hogan, so it's a tossup as to which is more obnoxious in the grand scheme of things. I don't side with Hogan in many things, but this was one case where they went about things completely the wrong way. It's a hot crowd and should have been an easy, thumbs up fun show, but never let it be said that this company couldn't figure out how to screw up pretty much anything. Strong recommendation to avoid.

- So it's the night after the DeGeneration X PPV and big stuff is afoot…

- Live from Portland, Maine.

- Hour 1 is hosted by Jim Ross & Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly. My dream team! Actually they're not so bad here because their entire role is to read pre-scripted bits of the conversation in between JR's actual points. Like they're going over the Shamrock-Michaels title match and Kelly's bit will be "Indeed the match was a mixture of speed and technique" and you won't hear him again. I can deal with that.

Vince McMahon, slowly but surely getting into the swing of his Chairman Vince character, starts us off with a discussion of Steve Austin and how driving a pickup truck into the arena endangered the lives of the fans, and that's just going too far. As well, he beat up a referee, so Vince DEMANDS that Steve Austin defend against the Rock ("who some of you may feel is indeed 'The People's Champion'…") in a rematch tonight. Austin comes out to clarify that you don't "order" him to do anything. Vince clarifies that he's Austin's boss (the quivering voice here is great) and there will be CONSEQUENCES. But he's just getting warmed up, as he's also concerned about Austin's language (about which Austin swears at him). So Austin's gonna go back and have a hot dog and make Vince sweat, and when he comes back out, someone's getting their ass kicked. MONEY. Well, I mean, duh, right, but just watching the electricity from the crowd here is amazing, even knowing how successful it was.

- Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler wins the Karate Fighters tournament over Sunny, but scandalous footage of cheating and malfeasance on his part reverses the decision. But what about the drug testing? He should have won regardless!

The Legion of Doom v. The Godwinns

Dogg & Gunn are at ringside with their South Park shirts (for those who don't remember, that was really edgy 12 years ago), although I'm wishing they'd get a name soon. Henry slams Hawk, but misses an elbow, and Animal comes in with an elbowdrop of his own. Hawk adds a clothesline and dropkicks him into PIG for the tag, which gives us the world's worst slugfest. Hawk with a neckbreaker, but he misses the flying clothesline and that allows the Godwinns to take over. However, in grand Russo tradition, it's lights out and Kane heads out for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 2:30 or so. DUD Kane piledrives Hawk and it's no-sold (when does Kane ever do a piledriver?) so he adds a chokeslam and tombstone to finish him off. Did JR really call Kane the "one-eyed monster"? No wonder Kane dumped gasoline on him years later. And we continue angle overdrive as Gunn & Dogg take advantage of the fallen Hawk with a beating, until Animal chases them off with a chair.

- Back from the break, Road Dogg is STILL talking, as introduces the term "OLD" and declares that there's no competition left in the tag team world, so they're issuing an open challenge to any singles wrestler.

Dude Love v. Billy Gunn

Gunn attacks on the floor while Road Dogg does commentary and "interviews" Dude as Billy is pounding on him. That's pretty funny. Into the ring, Gunn chokes away on the ropes, but Dude gets a backslide for two. Gunn comes back with a clothesline for two. Kelly: "You guys looked pretty tough hiding behind the Spanish commentators." Dogg: "Yeah, well the Spanish commentators ARE pretty tough!" And it's true, Tito Santana is badass. Dogg coins the name "Southern Justice" for the soon-to-be repackaged Godwinns while Dude makes the comeback and rams Gunn into the turnbuckles. That sets up Sweet Shin Music, but Gunn dodges it and hits a Fameasser. Dude recovers with Sweet Shin Music at 3:38 for the pin. And in true fashion for the team, Dogg immediately lays him out with a chairshot and the beatdown commences. Amazingly, this actually went somewhere.

Jim Cornette brings out the winner of the first WWF Light Heavyweight champion, Taka Michinoku. Jerry Lawler quickly interrupts before this can turn into too much of a trainwreck. Taka calls him a jackass, and Cornette introduces the first challenger, "El Unico". Oh please, it's so obvious who it is. And indeed, "Unico" is Brian Christopher. WHAT A SWERVE. They had no clue what people wanted from this division.

Flash Funk v. Kurrgan the Interrogator

Jackyl notes that Kurrgan's days of being a sideshow freak are over, which is pretty funny given what he turned into a couple of months after this. Kurrgan pounds Funk down and no-sells his comeback and puts him down with a big boot. IRON CLAW finishes at 2:24. DUD Kurrgan goes CRAZY and won't release, so the other Truth Commission members try to pry him off, and the ref reverses the decision. Yeah, that'll show him. Jackyl's cult leader character was always really interesting, but no one could make it work for whatever reason.

- ATTITUDE.

- Hour #2 is hosted by Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

DeGeneration X starts us out, doing their usual verbal blowjob of themselves, before Shawn gives another classic one: Owen Hart is the nugget of turd that just won't go away. He says what we're thinking! OK, not really. HHH freely cracks up here, but Chyna has to stay in character, sadly. So they're just gonna sit here and play strip poker until Owen comes out and faces him like a man.

Skull & 8-Ball v. Jose Estrada & Miguel Perez

Yup, the Boriquas v. DOA feud continues unabated. Skull powerslams Jose and drops elbows, and 8-Ball gets a clothesline for two. Miguel comes in with an elbow in the corner and a dropkick, but a sunset flip is blocked for two. The Boriquas choke away in the corner as Shawn does progressively worse at poker on the floor. Hot tag to the other bald guy and Savio uses a 2x4 on him and the Boriquas win at 4:43. Just brutal. 1/2*

- So the poker game continues, with Shawn now puffing on a cigar and refreshments served, and Chyna keeps winning. Sadly, the Headbangers come out and interrupt the game, so Shawn smashes the whiskey bottle on Mosh's head and Thrasher goes through the table. Good, that was pretty rude of them. And now Owen Hart finally does his run-in and beats on Shawn, before escaping into the crowd again.

Jeff Jarrett v. Vader

Aztec Warrior Jeff! Sadly, TAFKA Goldust heads out and "flashes" Vader, leading him on a chase that results in Jarrett winning by countout. Clearly they had no clue what to do with Jarrett.

Salvatore Sincere v. Marvelous Marc Mero

Mero goes on a rant before the match, EXPOSING Sincere as a "jobber" with a "stupid gimmick" named "Tom Brandi". My ears are burning at this use of insider terminology! Someone call Vince! McMahon, not Russo. JR responds to Mero's shots at the gimmick with "I'm a b-a-a-a-a-ad man". Touche. Sable comes out in a potato sack, but quickly reveals a very small bikini, giving us our second non-match countout finish in a row. Brandi's all "Who's the job guy now, huh?" Still you, Tom. Still you.

Intercontinental title: Steve Austin v. The Rock

Nope, another non-match, as Austin refuses to defend the title, so he has to face Vince's "consequences". And THE ROCK THINKS YOU SHOULD FIRE HIM. Vince: "You stay out of this." Awesomeness. Austin is looking past this rinky-dink title anyway, so Rock can have the belt, because he wants the WORLD TITLE. Rock's delight at getting the belt is great, as is his shocked reaction when Austin turns on him and gives him the stunner anyway. Austin takes the belt back (although Rock is the champion officially now) and promises big ratings next week.

Man, you sure don't watch these shows for the wrestling, as we're clearly into the Russo era now, with swerves and industry-exposing interviews and non-finishes out the yin-yang. But for 90 minutes that flies by and entertains the hell out of you, there's nothing better.

- Another short show this week. Luckily the Braves sucked ass in the 80s, so things will pick up again once we get to the post-season.

- Your hosts are Tony & David.

- Jim Cornette and the Midnights join us right away, announcing Warrior Aid, a telethon to help find the Road Warriors because they're in hiding. And holy crap, Dennis Condrey cuts ANOTHER promo. Two weeks in a row! There is of course a reason why Cornette does all the talking.

Jimmy Garvin v. Vern Deaton

The crowd immediately starts chanting "Vernon", so you know this should be a good show. Garvin works the arm to start and sends Deaton into the corner before chopping him down. He chokes Deaton down and allows Precious to lay the badmouth on him, and the brainbuster finishes at 1:55.

- Nikita joins us, ready for the unification match, and we get a clip of a brawl between Wahoo and Nikita from what I'm guessing was the missing 9/13 show. That must have been one hell of an episode. Tomorrow night, he'll be the only guy representing the USA and Uncle Ivan wins the US tag titles. You might want to invest any betting money on his side.

- Paul Jones and the Baron want the World title now. Yeah, good luck there, guys. I don't see Flair v. Baron headlining Starrcade '86 somehow.

Shaska Whatley & The Barbarian v. The Mulkeys

I'm pretty sure this match is playing in Hell for someone right now. Shaska is now bald, which I'm guessing was a result of Jimmy Valiant. Randy gets clobbered by Barbarian and press-slammed into his brother. Bill tries a backdrop suplex on Shaska, but eats an atomic drop instead, and Shaska adds a dropkick. Over to Barbarian with a rare leg lariat and Shaska chokes away on the ropes, and the flying headbutt finishes at 3:50.

Manny Fernandez & Hector Guerrero v. The Golden Terror & Tony Zane

Hector powers Zane down, but gets slammed. He recovers and dropkicks both jobbers, and it's over to Manny for an armbar on Zane. The crowd wants him to break it, apparently. Gotta love the redneck frat boys in the front row. Hector works on Zane's arm, but it's over to Mr. Terror. Bull quickly elbows him down for two and works on a hammerlock. Hector with a delayed suplex and Bull hits a flying elbow from the top for the pin. Golden Terror is neither golden nor a terror. Talk amongst yourselves.

- Uh oh, Paul Jones calls Manny Fernandez over for a chat and reiterates that there's a lot of money on the table, but Manny is friends with the Boogie Man with a capital F. Paul's patience is running out.

Nikita Koloff v. Bill Tabb

Nikita tosses Tabb and runs him into the corner, then stomps away on the mat. Tabb comes back with shoulders in the corner, which has the fans in the front going APESHIT, but that just annoys Koloff and he pounds Tabb down and finishes with a standing Sickle at 1:48. USA, RIGHT HERE, quoth Nikita. You tell 'em.

- Dick Murdoch is gonna win the US tag belts and then go after Flair.

Jimmy Valiant v. Brodie Chase

Hiptoss and a thumb to the throat to start, and he chokes Chase out with his knee while leading chants in the front row. This audience is something else. Elbow and elbow end it at 1:29. Afterwards, Valiant brings out Fernandez and once again reaffirms their friendship. Yup.

The Midnight Express v. Paul Garner & Art Pritts

Jim Cornette's Elmer Fudd impression KILLS here. The Express double-teams Garner with an elbow and Eaton goes up with a flying forearm and then up again with a big elbow. The crowd's "Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" buildup to each move is great. Cornette, on commentary, is convinced that the Road Warriors are gone and never coming back, even though Tony advises restraint in talking shit against them. Condrey comes in and elbows Garner down then puts him down with a kneelift. Then a spot that just slays me, as Cornette and Eaton set up outside the ring and yell out "Throw him out here, we'll CATCH him!" and of course Condrey throws the guy over the top and they just casually move away and laugh at the announce table. Oh my. Back in the ring, Condrey chokes away on the ropes and Cornette is so confident about the Warrior situation that he moves onto fat jokes about Pritts (he goes into a restaurant and orders by page number, allegedly) while Condrey hits a backdrop suplex and Eaton drops an elbow. Eaton goes up with a flying kneedrop (Whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa-yeah!) and they finish with a Rocket Launcher at 6:17. Total babyface reaction from the frat boys here. I would seriously watch a three-disc DVD that is nothing but Express squashes and Cornette interviews. Of course this is all leading to the scaffold match at Starrcade.

- Cornette informs us that Hawk is a coward and he's gonna smack Ellering around because he's a pretty tough guy in his own right. Of course it takes him 3 minutes to say that and he barely takes a breath between points. And we're out for another week.

- Just for fun, as TNT comes to a close on WWE 24/7 and gets replaced with Mid-Atlantic, let's hit the last episode ever and say goodbye to it.

- Hosted by Mean Gene and Lord Alfred.

- First guest: Jake Roberts. He and Gene are immediately trading dick jokes ("You wanna see the REAL snake? No scales, I promise.") and we go to a match from MSG between Jake and Ricky Steamboat. Now, I'm not the kind of guy to insinuate that a good, clean-living family man like Steamboat would take illegal performance-enhancing substances, but let's just say that he looks like he's been in the gym for two weeks straight. Jake continues his filthy, filthy interview ("Sometimes people just have to swallow it, and if they don't like the taste that's their problem!") and Gene's playing along and trading perverted barbs right back. You've gotta look this up on YouTube, it's something else for 1986. Apparently sometimes snakes will grow when you hold them. What the FUCK were these guys taking before the show?

- We take a break and return with audience questions for Jake. A guy wants to know when Jake's gonna put Ricky Steamboat out of his misery, and he draws a FACE POP for it! Jake notes that he'll smack Ricky around like a woman who's outlived her usefulness. Jake is just so laid-back and funny here, he's gotta be REALLY high. Crowd loves him and it's no wonder they turned him shortly after.

- Let us take you back to George Steele's electroshock therapy back in the day. Still a funny bit, with Steele turning intelligent long enough to say "How now brown cow?" before falling back into idiocy again. So this brings out Steele for more interesting conversation with Gene ("Have you seen Jake's snake, George?" "Captain eat.") and he fondles a WWF magazine with Elizabeth on the cover.

- Back from the break and Gene notes that George is in the men's room after seeing the magazine. Oh, going out with a filthy whimper, I see. Next guest: Freddie Blassie and SLICK~! Blassie introduces him as the half-owner of Sheik & Volkoff's contracts, and Gene asks if he's ever managed wrestlers before. Slick says yes. Gene asks if he's managed women before. Oh, TAG. This show is tremendous. So we get a clip of Hercules v. Tony Atlas and I didn't even know Atlas was still around at that point. I certainly don't remember him being on TV when I was watching the shows back in the day. Atlas suplexes Hercules into the ring, but Slick whacks him on the knee with the cane and Herc gets the pin. Blassie explains that he and Slick had a "go-between/come-between" and the place goes crazy. Were they all smoking the really good shit before the show or something?

- And now to really ramp up the insanity, we add Sheik & Volkoff to the show. Sheik notes that everyone in wrestling, from Hollywood to Rikidozan (!?) knows that he's the best. This show is a wonderful, wonderful trainwreck. We get Sheik & Volkoff v. Killer Bees from a house show, and this is so worth it if only for the announce table in the background, featuring monitors that appear to be 20" RCA cabinet TVs from 1971. That is GHETTO. Back to the interview, as Slick's banter isn't quite to the level of pimpdom it would achieve in later months, as he's just kind of talking like a normal person. Gene asks Sheik if Volkoff's ugly suit bothers him, and Sheik's like "Well, I'm sick and bothered by it myself, but it's the custom for the country." Everyone's having a rough time not cracking up completely here.

- Last break and now Nikolai brings out his pet -- a black bear cub. 300 million points to the WWF production crew, who put a graphic saying "Bear" on the screen, in case it wasn't clear. That confirms it, everyone was doing mushrooms, they had to be. Slick notes that the bear at least had the sense to be born black, which gets a big laugh. Gene and Blassie just unload on each other with zingers as everyone tries not to lose it. And of course Sheik gives us the poses one last time, and that's Tuesday Night Titans.

Well, they certainly let it all hang out for the last episode, I'll give them that. Look up the Jake portion on YouTube because it's hilariously filthy.

- Your hosts are Tony & David.

- We have apparently skipped a week, as the show kicks off with footage of Paul Ellering slapping Jim Cornette on the September 13 show, and we didn't get that one.

- The Bill & Budro Show kick things off by promising to win the US tag titles and challenge Ric Flair for the millionth time.

Baron Von Raschke v. Tom Barrett

Hopefully this means no other Paul Jones Army this week. Baron works on an armbar to start and rips at the face, then takes him down and works the leg. Tony notes that Ravishing Rick Rude has joined the Paul Jones Army, which means that the Manny Fernandez heel turn should be any week now since they're the next tag team champions. Clawhold finishes at 2:08.

- Jim Cornette says his mistake was letting Big Bubba have the week off to visit Mama Cornette last week, but the Midnight Express destroyed the Road Warriors and injured Animal anyway. And I MISSED IT? Fuck!

- Ric Flair and Baby Doll (and his Rolex) are out to complain about Dusty Rhodes winning the TV title from Arn Anderson. He's coming to all the nothing-happening towns in the Midwest, where the women are clearly starved for a real man like himself, and Dusty should be there.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Mike Simiani & Gene Ligon

Hey hey, the new NWA World tag titles debut here! I actually thought Rude & Fernandez had the old-style ones so I wasn't expecting that. The announcers don't even mention it, so they probably debuted LAST week and I missed that too. The RNR double-team Ligon into a dropkick from Ricky, and he controls with an armbar. Over to Simiani and Ricky chinlocks him off a snapmare. Robert elbows him down and Ricky drops a knee for two, and the double dropkick finishes at 2:55.

- America's Team is ready for the tag title tournament!

- Tully Blanchard isn't shaking in his $700 shoes at the thought of Dusty Rhodes and his TV title.

Arn Anderson v. Jack Jackson

Jack Jackson? Arn promises that whatever happens to this jobber is on Dusty's head. Well, he is the booker. Arn drops a knee and works on the arm, really cranking on it. Some smart-ass redneck in the front row yells out "That don't hurt! It wouldn't hurt Dusty!" Arn gets the spinebuster and gourdbuster to finish at 3:46. I bet Dusty doesn't even CARE that the poor kid jobbed for him.

- Thankfully, we get the footage of last week's show, as Cornette reels off every insult against the Road Warriors he can think of, until Paul Ellering comes out and smacks him down. The Road Warriors proceed to squashing a couple of geeks, but the Midnights jump them and Eaton drops a pair of flying knees on Animal's neck. Cornette notes that it's not a loaded racket, but rather his pure strength that put Ellering down. And then back on this week's show, Condrey actually gets to cut a promo! I've never actually heard him give one before.

- The Russians are out to run down the list of potential victims for Nikita Koloff.

The Kansas Jayhawks v. Tony Zane & Pablo Crenshaw

Dutch powers Zane down and stomps him, and the Jayhawks pinball him in the corner before Jaggers elbows him down. Over to Crenshaw and he gets beaten down on cue, and Mantell chokes him out on the ropes. Jaggers with a DDT for two. They switch off with chinlocks and a Doomsday Device finishes at 3:53.

Ron Garvin & Dick Murdoch v. The Mulkey Brothers

Garvin is now the Mid-Atlantic heavyweight champion, having beaten Black Bart between the last episode and this one, and in fact he is the final one as Crockett starts to consolidate the titles into the one promotion. Garvin controls Bill on the mat and Murdoch works on the arm. Garvin ties him up and tortures him a little, and Murdoch elbows him down before finishing with the brainbuster at 2:46.

- Wahoo isn't gonna come out here and complain about the NWA's ruling, so he'll just have to beat Nikita Koloff and unify the titles instead. And that’s it for this week, as it's a really short show.

Since you're not doing this series (and considering Saturday Night's Main Event is on it's way, can't blame you), might as well let you use the rest of the reviews.  By the way, since I know you're a big Owen Hart fan and also an atheist, I advise you to not read my review of Russo/Booker, as hearing Vince Russo's excuse for Over the Edge could make your blood boil at unhealthy levels.  Seriously, pissed me off just writing it down.

=================
Legends of Wrestling: Heatseekers
Review by Charlie Reneke
http://5star.yuku.com
Panel discussion features Jerry Lawler, Michael Hayes, Mick Foley, and Eric Bischoff. Subject is guys who have heat in the locker room.
-They start with Michael Hayes. Jim Ross explains how Hayes really never stayed too long in any territory. Lawler tells a story about burning Hayes' hair with a fireball. This leads to the biggest temper-tantrum Lawler had ever heard in the business. Lawler then points out that despite this, Hayes wouldn't be on list. Tell that to Mark Henry.  Besides, if he doesn't belong on the list, why did they spend any time talking about him?  That's the problem with these panels, they go off on wild tagents that eat up time that could be spent discussing more entertaining subjects.
-Hayes names Lex Luger the biggest heat seeker ever. He got along with him fine, because they had similar taste in music. But Hayes felt Luger acted bigger then the boys. Hayes does credit Luger with getting better treatment and paydays for the wrestlers. Lawler says Luger wasn't one of the boys. Hayes argues that Luger was a better wrestler in his prime then anyone gives him credit for. Bischoff talks about his experience with Luger, saying that he carried himself with arrogance and acted like everyone else were pee-ons. Lawler wonders if it was his football background that made him like that. Foley says he believes anyone who was a big heat seeker likely didn't grow up a fan of the business. Bischoff takes it a step further and says he believes Luger was ashamed to be a wrestler. Bischoff says when Luger jumped to WCW from WWE in 1995, he didn't want him so he low-balled him on an offer. To his surprise, Luger took it. Foley comes to Luger's defense, crediting him for letting working at his gym for free and saying he was actually a good wrestler in early 90s. Hayes talks about his miracle match with Nikita Koloff, which everyone thought would be an abortion so the boys in the locker room gathered around the monitors to watch it, and they ended up having a good match.
-Jim Ross tries to turn to Buff Bagwell, but Foley interrupts with a total go-nowhere Goldberg story that takes five minutes of an hour-long program to tell. He already told the story in his book. It wasn't funny then. It wasn't funny now. So they move onto Goldberg instead of Buff, who I would love to see get chewed out. Hayes and everyone else agrees that he's a nice guy away from the business, but had a bad attitude during his WWE run. Hayes tells Bischoff he doesn't think Goldberg fully appreciated what WCW did with him. When he got to the WWE and they had other big stars, he got pissy and was mean to everyone. Bischoff says he dealt with the same thing. Goldberg is his friend, but he would rather chew his leg off then work with him. Bischoff says he pushed him too fast, just like the WWE did with some other guys. He believes Goldberg never understood the business, and that the parasites got into his ears. Jim Ross says he thinks Goldberg didn't have a good aptitude for the business. Hayes calls out the Outsiders and Hulk Hogan for getting in Goldberg's ear and manipulating his views of the business.
-Lawler calls to talk about someone nobody likes: Paul Heyman. Foley says he likes him. Lawler groans. We hear a story about Lawler breaking Heyman's jaw, which he claims was on purpose. Lawler built up a scaffold match and promoted Heyman getting thrown off of it. Heyman was cool with this, until the day of the show, when he chickened out. Lawler was pissed and punched him out a couple days later over it. Foley outs Paul Heyman as the one who went around calling Foley the biggest whore in the business. In his third book, Foley mentioned this but didn't name Heyman specificly, leading some to speculate he was talking about Triple H. Apparently this hurt Foley's feelings. And rightfully so. Foley always busted his ass for Heyman. Foley says he was good at getting people to do what he wanted. Bischoff says "So was Jim Jones." "And they both had Kool-Aid" adds Foley. Hayes thinks the Attitude era came more from the infamous meeting where Vince had to fly out to a house show and talk to the Clique then it did from ECW. Foley wishes Bischoff could have seen Foley's ECW stuff where he used Bischoff to get heat on himself.
-Onto Scott Hall, who Bischoff says was the most difficult person to work with. He talks about Scott's first day on the job, telling him to leave the bullshit at home. Which he did for a few months. Hayes and Bischoff agree that he is a manic depressant. Jim Ross says the same thing happened when he came back to WWE in 2002, that Hall behaved himself for a bit then acted badly during the infamous Plane Ride from Hell. His WWE run ended with Hall shaving Michael Hayes' hair on that ride. "Why must everything revolve around your hair?" Lawler tries to move the conversation onto Vince Russo, but Foley ONCE AGAIN steers the conversation back his way. Thank god he won't be on these anymore. Foley says that when he started in the WWE, Hall was bitching about the WWE, saying if he got lucky he would make $400K. Foley thought that sounded pretty good, actually. And he was offended that someone would look at that kind of money and brush it off like it was nothing. Everyone agrees that when Hall's head is on straight, he's one of the best minds in the business, and the most creative as well. It's not mentioned here but in Bischoff's book the idea to turn Sting from the bleached-blond colorful act to the Crow gimmick was Scott Hall's idea. That idea made millions. It's really sad how someone so creative could let the drugs and alcohol ruin them. Jake Roberts is the same way.
-To Vince Russo. Hayes mockingly says he 'made the attitude era' and then went to WCW where he offended Jim Ross with the Oklahoma character. Oh dip me in shit and roll me in bread crumbs, what a fucking crock. WWE ran the same character with Ed Ferrara in March of 1999 before Wrestlemania, and that skit also mocked Jim Ross' bells palsy. Mick Foley rightfully asks if that was any worse then Vince McMahon's Dr. Hinney bit, where they made fun of Jim Ross' color surgery to remove cancer. It's somehow better because "Vince made sure I wasn't terminal first." Foley says that his biggest agreement with Vince is he doesn't think they need to be so mean. He brings up stuff like the Rosie O'Donnel vs. Donald Trump thing, where the WWE was anything but kind to Rosie. Foley thinks the fans don't like it when they go there, and I agree. Hayes brings up the nWo parody of Arn Anderson's retirement speech. Bischoff wishes he hadn't done it and has big regrets. Bischoff says that however warped Vince's idea of entertainment is, at least the Dr. Hinney thing was not a personal attack. Oklahoma was a personal attack for the sake of having one. I don't buy it. For whatever reason Vince McMahon has been targeting Jim Ross with one act of huge humiliation after another since the minute he arrived in the WWE in 1993. Hayes points out that Vince would always humiliate himself the most. Bischoff relays a story about almost backing out of an angle on his last appearance in the company, where he got his face shoved in the ass of Big Dick Johnson, and how Arn Anderson talked him into it.
-Lawler calls Vince McMahon a heat seaker, but this somehow segs into Foley bringing up that when Mae Young gave Bischoff a bronco-buster at Bad Blood 2003, she had stuffed a bunch of sardines in her crotch. Foley then uses this chance to say why Bischoff has heat with him... and relates a story about Bischoff over-acting during a wrestling angle. Foley clearly isn't a fan of the subject matter of 'heatseekers' so they should have found someone else for this bit. He's ruined almost the entire show.
-Jim Ross goes back to Bagwell, with us almost out of time. He tells a story about when he was in charge of talent in WWE. Bagwell was going to no-show a houseshow, so his mother Judy calls JR to tell him. He'll be able to make TV, but not the house shows. Jim Ross thanks her and says they will replace him at those shows, says it won't be hard to do in fact, and that if she wants to call him again he will talk about anything but her boy. Because it's the last time he will ever discuss her son's career with her. He's a man now after all. Hayes says "Well, Missy Hyatte got him in the business so what do you expect."
And that's it. If It wasn't for Mick Foley's go-nowhere stories, this might have been a good one. We did get a couple fairly interesting stories but not the venom I was hoping this subject would present. I was hoping for something along the lines of the Ultimate Warrior DVD. This wasn't even remotely close. Big let down, and yet it's still the best round table of the entire six-disc collection.
To the matches.
Match #1
The Freebirds vs. Ron Shawn, Rene Goulet, & Charlie Fulton
8/4/84 (neato) WWE
Cyndi Lauper is with the Freebirds in their car. Shaw starts with Hayes. He gets smacked around. Tag to Roberts who grabs a headlock. Fans dig the Freebirds. Gordy tags in to hit a big slam and a kneedrop. Shaw tries to tag but nobody gives him one. Double backelbow from Hayes and Gordy, then Shawn tags to Fulton against his will. Hayes spins him around and punches him. Hayes takes out the other jobbers as well. Shoot off and a diving clothesline. Goulet comes in to pick on Hayes and actually gets the best of him. Shaw shoots off Hayes and gets a backelbow, but Hayes no-sells it and tags to Gordy who hits a big boot. Goulet in but Hayes tags in too and stops him with a backelbow. Tag to Charlie Fulton who slams Hayes into the turnbuckles. Shaw tagged in and they bit a double backelbow for two. Shaw with a dropkick, then a tag to Fulton. Hayes tags out to Terry Gordy. Punhces for all and things break down. They shoot off Shaw and hit this weird double backdrop thing where Gordy catches him and hits a tiger bomb with it for the pin.
1/4* Pretty awful. The Freebirds were likely game but the jobbers picked for them were no good.
Match #2: NWA Tag Team Championship
(c) Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard vs. Lex Luger & Barry Windham
3/27/88 Clash of the Champions I
Lex & Tully start. Huge pushoff by Lex then he levels Arn with a clothesline. Powerslam by Luger and he slaps on the Rack already, but Arn chopblocks the knees. Arn and Tully take turns working the leg. Tully is in the ring when Luger tries a comeback but Tully grabs his leg to cut off a tag. Arn in but Lex throws Arn into Tully and the hot tag is made... like two minutes into the match... and Barry comes in. Clotheslines for all, flying lariat to Tully but no cover. Shoot off the ropes and a powerslam for two as the shitty production values of the NWA show JJ instead of the possible winning count. Sleeper hold to Tully and they actually fall out of the ring with Barry holding it tight. Barry breaks the count and bails into the ring. Tully gets to the apron and hangs Barry on the ropes, but Barry gets up and catches Tully climbing. He throws Tully off the ropes then wipes out Arn. Abdominal stretch to Tully but Arn runs in and DDTs Barry down for two as he manages to come in without a tag. Spinebuster by Arn... for two. What the hell? Knucklelock pins but Arn tries to drop a knee and eats knee himself. Tag to Tully but Barry hits a crossbody for two. Malfunction at the junction and both guys are out. Headlock takeover for a two. Bridge for two but Barry gets out of it and hits a gordbuster and both guys are out again. Arn tags in and slugs away. Wristlock ringer but Barry kicks out. He still can't quite get to the tag. Kneedrop misses for Anderson and both guys punch each other down. Arn does get the tag and hits the slingshot suplex... for two. Jesus, Barry should look like Hulk Hogan at this point. Barry finally makes the hot tag to Luger. Punches for all, clothesline to Arn, then another. Noggin-knocker by Lex, shoulderblock, but Blanchard gets a knee in. Lex fights back with a powerslam and Barry and Tully start to fight. J.J. accidently wipes out Arn with a chair and Lex gets the pin and the titles. And yes, it actually counted this time.
**** Good for a nine-and-a-half minute match. Intresting way to pace it too, having a hot-tag moment two minutes in then slow-burning it from there. Extremely fast paced and well put together.
Match #3
Midnight Express & Jim Cornette vs. The Original Midnight Express & Paul E. Dangerously
2/20/89 Chi-Town Rumble
Special Stipulation: Whoever takes the fall must leave the NWA
The original express are Jack Victory & Randy Rose. Wait... what? Ah, it turns out Dennis Condrey didn't like the way the feud was going so he left. And thus the "Original Midnight Express" had to bring in Jack Victory, who had never previously wrestled as part of the group. Meanwhile, Jim Cornette, a babyface here, reveals that nobody had heard of Paul E. Dangerously previously because he was the victim of an accidental sex change operation. He even pulls out a picture of Paul E. in drag on the front of the Sun to prove it. Well... that's one way to get heat. The interview kind of dies a bit after that.
Paul Hymen... excuse me... Heyman, fires back by bragging about stealing the Midnight Express from him while not outright denying that he was born a woman. Well that was one of the most fucked up interview segments I've ever seen.
Rose starts with Lane. They trade wristlocks but it's a standstill. Lane gets a shoulderblock, then a side headlock. Rose ends up with a scoopslam and he climbs but gets tossed off, then dumped over the top and to the floor with a clothesline. Jack Victory tags in, and I think this was supposed to be the start of a big push for him. Victory gets drop-toeholded and then all three hit an elbowdrop on him, including Cornette who pops the crowd huge with it. Eaton tags Lane back in and hits a backelbow. Victory, despite being a four year vet at this point, is incredibly green here and it shows. He can't do anything so he tags Rose back in. Lane and Rose slug it out, but this goes nowhere too. Cornette in to slug him in the mouth. Fans pop huge. Lane stomps away. Rose holds Lane so Heyman can get a freeshot but he misses and hits Rose in the mouth. Not only would that be painful, but would Heyman in theory now be the legal guy in the ring? Just sayin'. Eaton tags in and kicks away at Rose, kicking him out of the ring. Rose catches Eaton on the apron and throws him off there and into the guardrail. In the ring, scoopslam and Heyman tags in and hits the shittiest stomps I've ever seen, or at least until Shane McMahon faces Randy Orton on Sunday. Cornette tags in and demands that Heyman tags in. Rose doesn't and instead gets beat up. He's now the face in peril. Scoopslam and Heyman does get the tag. He kicks away. Match is at least structured well. Heyman covers for two. Heyman brawls him around a bit more. Heyman is bragging to the crowd, leading to Jimmy smacking him. Heyman tags to Rose, who clotheslines Cornette down. Tag to Victory, who grabs a headlock and some punches, but Eaton comes in and slams Victory face first into the mat. Hot tag to Stan Lain, who kicks away at Victory. Shoot off and Heyman gets a cheap shot in, letting Victory patheticly punch him down. Tag to Rose, who hits a powerslam for two. Clothesline by Rose, who then kicks Lane out of the ring. He stomps away on the outside. Lane to the apron only to get punched back down and to the floor. Rose climbs and hits a fist to Lane's back off the ropes. Back in, a sidewalk slam gets two. He loads up for a piledriver, but gets backdropped out. Stan Lane can't recover and thus Victory gets the tag and stomps away. Backdrop suplex and a tag to Rose. This is a school session for Victory, and to his credit he would get better. Tag to Rose who slaps on a chinlock. He lets go of it and hits an uppercut. Lane tries to fight back with a thrust kick but he doesn't get all of it and Rose keeps control. Victory in and he sends Lane to the corner and goes for a splash, but Lane get a foot up and makes the hot tag... or cold tag as the audience doesn't even respond... to Eaton. He slugs at Victory and hits a backdrop. Scoopslam and he climbs and hits a missile dropkick. Fans pop for that. Eaton forces Victory to tag in Heyman, then tags in Cornette. Heyman begs off, while Cornette beats the holy hell out of him. Shoot off and a clothesline gets two as Rose drops an elbow. Rose tags in, Cornette tags to Lane and things break down. Everyone is in the ring. Rose misses a big splash off the top and Lane covers... for two as Victory saves. I bought that as the finish. Victory and Rose run into each other and a double flapjack on Rose gets the pin. Fans are happy even though according to the rules Heyman gets to stay and Rose has to leave.
***1/2 Pretty good match actually. Rose and Lane had to carry the whole thing. I'm not sure why Eaton didn't get very much action. He didn't even get a big hot-tag moment. Strange.
Match #4: United States Heavyweight Championship
(c) Lex Luger vs. Michael Hayes
5/7/89 Wrestlewar
Huge heat on Hayes. Luger backs him in the corner and the ref forces a break. Luger threatens a clinched fist. Shoot off and Hayes gets a crossbody for one. Lockup and Hayes grabs a headlock. He grinds it in and laughs like an evil bastard. Shoot off and Luger goes for a pressslam, turned into a crappy Russian Legsweep by Hayes, which Lex no-sells. Lockup, and Luger marches Hayes to the corner, then bitchslaps him. Slugout and Luger backdrops Hayes, who bails. After a brief stall, Hayes comes in and smacks Lex around. He rams him into the turnbuckle and throws some solid punches. Shoot-off and a big clothesline. He calls for the DDT, his finisher, but Luger throws him off and Hayes bails again. Fans give hell to Hayes, who bails to break Luger's momentum. Jim Ross covers him on commentary. Excellent match thus far. Luger grabs a wristlock and rings it around, making it look more devistating then any version of it I've seen in years. Luger gets an armbar and tightens up on it. Shoot off by Luger and a sunset flip attempt by Hayes is countered into an armdrag and another armbar by Luger. Luger holds the armbar, and Hayes tries to punhc out, so Luger shoots off. Hayes goes for a crossbody but gets caught by Lex who executes a backbreaker. Another armbar, but Hayes gets him to the corner and fires off some chops. Clothesline in the corner but Luger no-sells it and shoots him off and grabs a hanging choke. Ten punch in the corner, then Luger blocks an atomic drop and slugs it out, but misses a charge and wipes out through the ropes and to the floor. Hayes comes off the ropes a punch, then slugs it out a bit more. He rams Luger into the turnbuckle, then bails into the ring and struts. He suplexes Luger back in for a quick two as Luger starts kicking out early. Par for the course with Lex. He was never good at selling near-falls. Chinlock by Hayes, Luger escapes and catches his foot off a whip, but he misses a punch and Hayes hits a sitting bulldog for two. Hayes slugs it out and punches away. Hiro Matsuda, manager of Hayes, gets a couple shots in on the outside. In the ring, scoopslam gets a two count. Elbowdrop gets two. A trio of fistdrops and then Hayes shows off to the crowd, then grabs a chinlock. Luger comes to life, then blocks a ram into the turnbuckle and kills Hayes on it. Hayes thumbs Luger in the eyes and goes for a bulldog, but gets thrown off and wipes out huge. Punch to the gut and Luger slugs him around. Ten punch and a hiptoss, then a clothesline for two. Shoot off and a pressslam. Then another pressslam, this one even bigger. He calls for a third one, and this is the biggest one yet. He calls for the Torture Rack, but Hayes slips out of it and hits the DDT for a double KO. Both guys up and the ref gets knocked out on a shoot off. Gordy runs down and knocks out Luger, and Hayes covers for the pin and the title even though Luger's foot was on the rope.
***1/2 Pretty good. Lacking a certain-something I can't put my finger on to bump it up to four-star level. Hayes' title reign would only last two weeks before he dropped it back to Luger. Scott didn't like this one too much when he reviewed it way back when, but I think he should give it another look over.
Match #5: United States Heavyweight Championship
(c) Goldberg vs. Scott Hall
7/6/98 Nitro
If Goldberg wins this match, he faces Hulk Hogan for the championship later in the show. To this day, people argue about whether they should have saved Goldberg/Hogan for a pay per view. After hearing every insider account, including Eric Bischoff's, I've come to the conclusion that if they had waited, there was a chance it never would have gone down. Having Hogan actually offer to put him over anyone in the first place on his own was a small miracle, even if his motivation was to get his win back later. Their calendar with Hogan was already booked fairly solid. He was in a heavily hyped match with Dennis Rodman against DDP and Karl Malone at Bash at the Beach. They had already agreed with Jay Leno on a match for the next pay per view after that. This left Fall Brawl in a September, traditionally not a period of the year to attempt to pop a large buyrate, as the first pay per view chance they would have had. I'm not saying they should have rolled the dice, but I honestly don't blame them for going through with it when Hogan was willing to. Besides, giving it away on Nitro meant everyone would be able to get caught up in Goldberg-Fever. The only reason it didn't work was because they booked him like shit afterwards, putting him on the backburner for three months while DDP and Hogan wrestled in and won main events on the big shows. For all the talk of how hard WCW pushed Goldberg, when you actually sit down and look at it, they never really got behind him once he was the champ. Hell, there were six pay per views after he won the title. He only main evented two of them, and didn't even appear at two of them. And one of the ones he actually did main event, he lost. CM Punk and Rey Mysterio had it better as champion.
To the match. And by the way, there was legitimate concern that Scott Hall was not going to cooperate with Goldberg for this match. Which makes you wonder why they put Hall in this match to begin with, but that's WCW for you. Hall is all wide-eyed as he dares Goldberg to get a piece of him. Goldberg casually shoves him off. Scott gets some shoulder thrusts and a wristlock, which he uses to feather-dust Goldberg. Goldberg takes him donw hard as a result. Hall calls for a test of strength but kicks and chops him instead. Shoot off but Goldberg slings him into the ropes hard, then botches a shoulderblock spot, or Hall tripped... hell if I know. A couple standing punches at Hall, who is clearly annoyed. He goes for a slam on Goldberg but ends up getting power-slammed. Hall kind of pops up from it. Half the time it's hard to tell if he's being a douche or if he's drunk or neither or both or whatever. Hall spits at Goldberg and locks up, but gets thrown down again, and again. Hall is bumping like crazy. Boots to the chest and a shoot off but Goldberg misses a charge, kinda, and gets clubbed in the back of the head. Backdrop suplex gets two for Hall. Hall punches away and Goldberg actually sells them good, until he hulks up. Hiptoss and a flowing armrdag, then another which is botched by Hall, who bails. He calls for backups, and out comes the nWo B-Team. BUT WAIT~! Karl Malone and DDP come out to beat them up with chairs. Hall gets a hangman on the ropes and a clothesline. He calls for the Outsider's Edge. Goldberg backdrops out of it, spear, jackhammer, good night.
1/2* Normal Goldberg match, with your typical Scotch (alco)Hall 1998 weirdness thrown in.
Match #6
Scott Hall vs. Kevin Nash
10/25/98 Halloween Havoc
So if you go by the storylines, this whole match was a setup to fool Goldberg on the off chance that Kevin Nash became #1 contender at World War 3 and then beat Goldberg at Starrcade and then somehow manage to get him arrested before his big rematch on Nitro afterwards so that Hulk Hogan could regain his championship. Not that all of the above would take a logical leap of faith or anything. I guess the nWo subscribed to the Rube Goldberg school of villainous plots. Hall comes out with a drink, the theory being the fans would assume that Hall's real alcoholism was a work, or something along those lines.
Hall throws his drink in Nash's face to start, then stomps away. He brawls him to the outside and slams him into the ring post. Hall hits him with the microphone, then chokes him with a power cord, all while the commentary guys use their "sad voice." Hall stands him up and then punches him down again. Hall gets in the ring then asks for a mic and jaws with Nash, who is out cold by the vicious right hand. Mind you, this is a guy who in 2003 took a full shot ot the skull with a ball-pein hammer and was fine minutes later. Sure enough, Nash is back in the ring, only to get punched down a bit more. And Nash of course has his flying shoes on, by virtue of him wrestling. Scoopslam by Hall and he calls for the Outsider's Edge, but Nash throws him to the corner. Hall goes for a ten-punch, but gets pushed off. He goes back for another, and again gets pushed off. Announcers are all weirding out because Nash isn't fighting back. Hall sends him to the corner and feather dusts him. Hall reverses a whip and sends Hall from pillar to post, then gives him a sidewalk slam, leading into a double KO spot. To their feet, Hall throws punches, Nash lifts a knee, then punches Hall down. He loads up for the Jackknife but Hall bails. Back in, we have a standstill. Lockup and Nash throws Hall off. Hall grabs a wristlock and some shoulder thrusts, but Nash clotheslines off. Stomps to the face by Nash and some punches. Hall fights back but lowers his head on a shoot off and gets slammed face first on the canvas in what actually was a nice looking bump. Head of steam on the ropes, then another. The ref asks if Hall wants to give it up. In a moment of pure fucking gold, Mike Tenay crows about WCW's production values. Keep in mind that this is the same show that cut off right before the main event in most of the markets it was aired in because it had too many matches and ran too long. As a result of WCW's "great production" they ended up airing the main event, Goldberg vs. DDP, for free the next night on Nitro. This pissed off the cable companies and those who paid $30 to order the show. As a result, WCW lost almost all it's revenue from this show because of refunds and rebates that were issued.
Back to the match, Nash knees Hall in the gut in the corner, then hits the big elbow. More knees to the gut, with Nash asking him if he wants another drink. Nash does some cocky kicks on Hall, then elbows him in the back of the head, then punches him down. Big boot by Nash pops the crowd somehow. I guess at this point, knowing that Warrior/Hogan is coming, a big boot seems cool. He loads up for the Jackknife, hits it, calls for one more, hits it, then... walks away, and gets counted out. Jesus fucking Christ. Fans are not happy with the ending. I know the point was winning doesn't matter as long as you made a point, but it's WRESTLING... the only point the fans care about is who wins and who loses.
* I rarely score against bad ending, but considering Nash booked it himself, it's fair game. Punchy-kicky match, and as slow as your average Nash affair. And it bordered on obnoxious at times. The ending was the poop-flavored icing on the cake.
Match #7: WCW Championship
(c) Booker T vs...
Dear fucking god no... NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*technical difficulties*
Ok, I can do this. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.
Ahem
Match #7: WCW Championship, Steel Cage Match
(c) Booker T vs. Vince Russo
9/25/00 Nitro
Kill me. By this point, I had sworn off WCW. I went from the time WCW brough back Russo & Bischoff to WCW Greed without having watched any of their shows. Not even out of morbid curosity. I skipped the whole David Arquette fiasco, Goldberg's heel turn, Hogan jobbing to Kidman, and on. No matter how many stupid things they pulled, I must admit I did not believe it when I heard about this match. I simply cannot believe this was allowed to happen. `The announcers talk about Russo being 9-0. Russo is wearing a football helmet, not for the gimmick, but because he's not a trained wrestler and has multiple head-injuries from all his previous 'matches'. The lockerroom empties, and I can understand that. If I worked for a company that was about to commit suicide, I would want to witness it as well. I'm quirky that way. Russo takes a baseball bat to Booker then tries to escape, but the lockerroom won't let him do it. Cage is almost an exact copy of the Hell in a Cell, by the way, with a roof and room to walk around outside the ring. Russo beats on Booker some more, then grabs a ladder. More batting at Booker's legs. He climbs and rips a piece of the cage roof off. Yeah fucking right. Everyone in the lockerroom climbs to prevent him from escaping, including Sting repealing from the ceiling. I'm shocked they ran this bit after the Owen Hart tragedy. Then again, I heard they pulled stunts like this at the Kemper Arena where Owen Hart died as some kind of attempt to work the fans there into thinking they had seen another death. Classy.
You know, while we're on the subject of Owen Hart and Vince Russo's role in it, the other day I picked up a shoot tape with Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara on it. In it, Russo goes out of his way to absolve himself from booking Owen Hart's death. You see, ever since he found Jebus, he has come to realize that it wasn't an accident that Owen fell that day. It was his destiny. Seriously. It was God's will that he fall to his death in the middle of a wrestling show, destroying his family, causing emotional problems to wrestling fans worldwide who had to witness it play out, and make wrestling look even more like a mockery then it already is. But Russo sleeps with a clear conscience, because it wasn't him that booked that angle, it was God working through him. Well I'm sure that will comfort Owen's kids that God loved them so much he wanted to take their daddy away from them in one of the most grusome and public ways possible and personally chose the mighty unibrow to set it all up. Excuse me, I need to go vomit.
Back to the match, where Booker hits a weird chokeslam thingy and then takes off Russo's helmet. Booker beats on him some more, then to the outside where he throws him into the cage. Luger comes down... apparently making his return to WCW or something... and he passes Russo what looks like a plastic pipe. He beats Booker to death with it, then shoves the ref down. He takes the ref out while he's at it. More refs come in to stop him, so Russo beats them up with the Fisher-Price "My First Wrestling Weapon" thing, BUT WAIT~! One of them is not a ref, it's Ric Flair. He tries to slap on a figure four, but Russo botches his end of it. The rest of the lockerroom empties and there's a big cluster-fuck brawl at ringside. Scissors kick by Booker to Russo in the ring, spinirooni, and a sidekick. Booker goes to step out... BUT WAIT~!!, here comes Goldberg. Booker stays at the door like a fucktard, instead walking the THREE FUCKING INCHES it would require to win the match. He waits like a tool, then Scott Steiner jumps him. He fights off Steiner somehow, then finally starts to walk out... only for Goldberg to spear Russo THROUGH the cage, and to the floor. We fade to black while the announcers speculate on what happened. So although it's never officially said on here, Vince Russo did indeed win the WCW Championship.
Yeah. Seriously, and people still bitch about David Arquette? At least he TRIED to turn them down when they told him he was winning the world title. Russo gave the belt to himself. Given all the employees, hundreds total, that worked for WCW, I can't believe nobody raised his or her hand and said "Wouldn't it be a better idea if we didn't do this?"
DUD No explaination needed.
Match #8: Boxing Match
Buff Bagwell vs. Roddy Piper
7/11/99 Bash at the Beach
I'm half-shocked they didn't pick Booker vs. Buff from the Tacoma Raw for Bagwell's match on this set. Having been there live to witness that in all of it's glory, I would safely say no match shows what a cancer on the business Buff is then any other. I'm a fairly big boxing fan so I'll try to recap. Mills Lane is the referee.
Round One and Piper throws so stiff looking shots. I'm sure Judy Bagwell called in to complain about that. Bagwell's shots are sissy. Buff seems to slip. Bagwell starts to totally air a bunch of punches, which Piper, to his credit, no-sells. This is truly sad. Announcers sound bored too. Meanwhile, Piper sprays some substance on Piper's gloves. Mind you, I think Bagwell is supposed to be the babyface here and yet the crowd is not with him at all.
Round Two and Piper lands a couple shots, blinding Bagwell. Judy Bagwell is actually at ringside. Oh my god. This has to be a rib. Piper continues to use stiff shots on Bagwell, getting a knockdown. When Bagwell gets his shots in, they look so pathetic I'm sure his mom was crying deep down. What a sissy man she raised. Piper, god bless him, is forced to sell this shit and falls down. He beats the count and the round ends. After the round, the ref checks to see what Piper and Flair are doing to Roddy's gloves.
Round Three and Piper jumps the gun to smack Piper. This leads to JUDY FUCKING BAGWELL biting Piper and dumping a bucket on his head. Buff hits the block buster and Mills Lane counts him out. Ohhhhhhhhhhh kayyyyyyy.
No rating, but an a true abortion. Speaking of abortions, I wish someone had taught Judy Bagwell the value of a good coat-hanger back in 1969.
BOTTOM LINE: Of the eight matches, three of them are pretty good. Sadly, one of them is on the Horsemen DVD, which I'm sure most of you reading this already have. After you get done watching the forth match, remove this DVD from the player and move on. Overall, as a stand alone disc, I'm not sure the Legends of Wrestling panel discussion and the two good matches exclusive to this set are worth the price of admission alone. For the $12.99 stand alone, I'm going a very, very mild thumbs up. As part of the overall three-disc box set sold everywhere outside of Best Buy, it contributes to it's bigger thumbs up rating. Just take my advice and do not watch Russo/Booker. Your sanity might depend on it.