The SmarK DVD Rant for Guest Booker with Greg Gagne
- Another one from kayfabecommentaries.com, this one a 100-minute interview with Greg Gagne about the attempts to create opposition for Vince McMahon in the form of Pro Wrestling USA, as he attempts to come up with a new strategy to tackle Vince.
Holy GOD was this bad. I mean, even Jodi was getting offended at how bad the CGI was and she rarely pays attention to that stuff. Randy Couture was an effective villain as long as he got to stand there and look menacing, but once he was required to say or do anything his limitations (vis a vis saying and doing stuff) were sadly laid bare. The writing here is so lazy that at one point the crew of heroes has to journey through the underworld to find the Sword of Damocles, and the only way to pass is to disguise themselves as the dead. So what do they do? Rub dirt on their faces. Wow, truly they’re masters of disguise. I won’t even get into the big final battle with the INVISIBLE SCORPION OF DEATH (which cut the budget from expensive CGI to "Blue Power Ranger reacting to squibs going off") and the utterly laughable Rube Goldberg "burning the entire city alive" scheme that was foiled by throwing some sand at an oil-burning fire (now why didn’t they try that in Iraq?) but that time I just wanted the movie to be over anyway. This movie will absolutely make you appreciate The Rock’s acting ability, because NO ONE in this atrocity has any and at least Rock might have made it watchable.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on how it managed to completely butcher Greek myth by having Mathyus be the one who kills the Minotaur, and completely fucking up the legend of the Sword of Damocles, which is apparently now some sort of invincible super-weapon instead of an allegory for the dangers of power.
Don’t even rent it, it’s that bad.
Via the Pulse, here’s a contest where you can win the second season on DVD…
http://thedvdlounge.com/2008/08/25/heroes-season-2-can-be-yours/
Good luck!
The SmarK RAW Rant for August 25 2008
- I am NOT doing RAW rants again. In fact, my trial subscription to The Score HD expires this week, so I won’t even be able to watch the show after this. I’m just going to be a guest on Fight Network Radio tomorrow night and the discussion will center on RAW, so I figured I might as well watch it tonight.
- For those who haven’t seen yet, since I haven’t done a RAW rant in forever, you can now purchase my entire rant archive from 1993-2008 by checking out this link.
- Live from Wilkes-Barre, PA.
- Your hosts are Good Ol’ King Cole.
Interesting list for sure, though I have to wonder if they used the same criteria for all the wrestlers, as some entrance themes have no business on the list without the lighting/choreography (undertaker at 8, gangrel at 23, kane at 12), and some are seemingly listed way too high and would only make sense if they were ONLY rating the song, not the lighting & choreography (PIPER at #4?).
Just my two cents there.
List link: http://www.wwe.com/inside/top25/top25entrancethemes/
25. Tatanka
24. NOD
23. Gangrel
22. Million Dollar Man
21. Honky Tonk Man
20. Mr. Perfect
19. Mankind (original) [REALLY?]
18. Razor Ramon [REALLY?]
17. Stone Cold Steve Austin
16. Jake The Snake Roberts
15. HHH (My Time) [Motorwho?]
14. The Ultimate Warrior [Triple H jobs again!]
13. LOD
12. Kane (original)
11. Bret Hart
10. Edge (You think you know me)
09. DX
08. Undertaker
07. NWO
06. The Rock (HOLLYWOOD HEEL VERSION!)
05. Chris Jericho
04. Piper [REALLY?]
03. HBK
02. Mr. McMahon [REALLY?]
01. Hulk Hogan
-A couple of surprising things, such as HHH making the list twice, but neither of them being his motorhead theme(s). I still think My Time deserves top 10, if not top 5.
-I don’t think “You think you know me” is better than Edge’s current theme by Altar Bridge. Neither of them should out rank HALF of this list.
-I don’t even remember Jake’s theme.
-Razor, NOD, and Mankind seem REALLY out of place.
-I can live with Hogan at 1, though any of Heel Rock, Jericho, or RIC FLAIR could go there.
-I’d concede a top 10 spot to Vince, but #2 is pushing it.
Oh, and no love for D’lo Brown or Tazz or Kurt Angle or the Horsemen or RIC FLAIR makes me a sad panda.
Thanks again, Scott,
-Ross
Well, definitely Hogan’s theme is the greatest of all time in the WWE, as it perfectly conveys the character and is instantly associated with him. Vince’s has to be on the list because he’s the boss and that’s what happens. Piper’s is certainly fitting, but it’s not like a catchy tune or anything. DX should be way higher, it’s a theme song that changed the industry. Steve Austin should be WAY higher, as nothing would pump a crowd up that like the glass breaking in the 90s. Gangrel’s is also an underappreciated theme. My Time was a great theme and definitely warrants placing over The Game. It was kind of a bridge from the DX era to the modern era and perfectly summed up the character in a theme version.
And just be glad they didn’t stick Stephanie’s theme or something on here.
The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Maple Leaf Gardens - April 23 1989
- Taped from Toronto, ON.
- Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred
The SmarK DVD Rant for The Spectacular Spider-Man: Attack of the Lizard
You know, I’m thinking maybe I should write the full review for some of these DVDs and then sell the first 3 paragraphs as a special collector’s edition, because that’s the same kind of scummy double-dipping that studios are doing with sets like this one and the Fantastic Four animated series. Oh, and don’t forget Legion of Super-Heroes, showing that all of the major companies are equally capable of ripping off gullible kids.
Sorry, got off on the wrong foot there, I think.
The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Stampede Wrestling - October 31 1986
- Oh my. I’ve been waiting forever for this territory and era to debut on 24/7.
- Taped from Calgary…dramatic pause…Alberta Canada.
Vladimir Krupov v. Tom Kavitis.
Not sure on the spelling, I barely remember these guys. Krupov is a generic Russian with hair. Joined around 10 minutes, according to Ed Whalen, as Kavitis breaks free from a surfboard and then slams Krupov off the top before getting a few near-falls from backbreakers. Tombstone piledriver gets two. Krupov comes back with a hiptoss and a backdrop suplex into a handful of tights for the pin.
- Jim Davies gets to interview heel manager Drago Zhivago, while Ed Whalen interviews Calgary Stampeder football star Brian Pillman, who is prepping for his debut the following week. And who is clearly jacked up on steroids beyond all sanity.
Ted Arcidi v. Brad Foster
Oh man, Arcidi, the Chris Masters of the 80s. Arcidi presses Foster into the turnbuckles, nearly killing him, and then drops an elbow so stiff that even Ed Whalen cringes verbally. In the BAD way. Clothesline out of the corner (and he can barely get his arm up) and we get more posing. Consider this: Arcidi, even with a body like HHH times 10, was so bad that he bombed in the WWF. Body vice finishes, mercifully.
- Makhan Singh accuses bill Kazmaier of doing steroids and calls Arcidi "Mr. Natural". See, even then it was a running joke in wrestling. Speaking of jokes, Singh then swoops in and congratulates Kazmaier for best Halloween costume: Dressing like a wrestler. He used to rule before all the stupid gimmicks in WCW and the WWF killed his heel spirit.
- Owen Hart, who now has Commonwealth Mid-Heavyweight title, is ready for all challengers. And he’s challenging Makhan Singh for the heavyweight title later tonight, as well.
Bill Kazmaier & Mr. Hito v. Adolph Barbee & The Cuban Assassin.
Hey, that’s jobber David Barbee from the MSG shows on 24/7! Awesome, you make the craziest connections on his channel. Poor Mr. Hito, the ultimate jobber to the stars in Stampede, gets slammed around by Barbee and Cuban goes to a surfboard. Barbee comes in and works on Hito’s shoulder with kneedrops, and it’s back to Cuban, who misses a flying splash. Barbee comes back in with a bearhug, but Hito elbows out of it. Cuban cuts off the tag, but Hito chops him down and it’s hot tag Kazmaier. He’s pretty thin compared to his later ballooning in WCW. Kaz slams both heels and presses the Cuban onto Barbee and out of the ring, then powerslams Barbee to finish. Kazmaier and Arcidi, both doing weightlifter gimmicks (since they both are) were programmed to collide like matter and anti-matter, exploding in a universe-ending vortex of suck.
Ben Bassarab v. Les Thornton
Joined with Thornton working on the arm and pounding him with elbows. Bassarab dumps him to escape, and they collide. Bassarab was a Hart family in-law and early partner for Chris Benoit, and even though he ended up getting involved with Davey Boy Smith’s drug-dealing buddies and doing hard time in prison to end his wrestling career as a result, he STILL ended up better than Benoit. Yikes. Bassarab fights back with dropkicks, but Thornton blocks a sunset flip and works a facelock. Bassarab’s wrestling style and look is actually eerily reminiscent of Benoit. Thornton gets a gutwrench suplex for two, but Bassarab comes back with a backbreaker into a kneedrop for two. They fight to the floor and Bassarab hits Thornton with a pescado, but JR Foley hits Thornton by mistake with the cane and Bassarab beats the count back in to win it. Good, hard-hitting action here.
The Viet Cong Express v. Johnny Smith & Keith Hart.
The Viet Congs (Hiro Hase and a far less famous Fumihiro Niikura) were the tag champions, but this is non-title. Joined with the Express working on the leg with various stuff, even a Sharpshooter. Slam gets two for #2. Keith comes back with a sunset flip for two, but they hit him with a double-clothesline. Gut-wrench from #2, but an elbow misses and Hart makes the hot tag to Johnny Smith. Backbreaker gets two. Gut wrench gets two. Running powerslam ala brother/cousin Davey Boy gets two. Slam gets two. The referee has LOST CONTROL and everyone brawls, but Smith’s pin of #2 is interrupted by an elbow from the top by #1, and a piledriver finishes Smith. The Viet Congs were way ahead of their time.
- Drago Zhivago and Miss Honey interview on behalf of the Express.
North American title: Makhan Singh v. Owen Hart
Singh pounds on him with the clubbing forearms and goes to a rear chinlock before pounding Owen down again and adding a legdrop for two. Bearhug, but Owen bell claps out of it, so Singh goes right back to it. Makhan takes him into the corner and pounds away with shoulderblocks, but a blind charge hits Owen’s boots, and Owen follows with a missile dropkick and flying kneedrop for two. He fires away with chops in the corner and ties Singh up in the ropes, then hits him with a bodypress, but a fan in a Halloween mask jumps out of the crowd and pulls Owen out, then sends him into the post for the countout. Owen does a huge bladejob and the "fan" reveals himself to be Great Gama, paying off a gag where the fans in that row had been holding up anti-Gama signs all night, which supposedly offended him. The Karachi Vice celebrates the win to end the show, disgusting Ed Whalen.
So in the meantime, and in between time, that’s it for another edition of Stampede Wrestling! Hope they keep showing these, although it’s tough to show much from the months following this because of all the editing needed.
Now, I’m sure those of you in the US, where there’s actual cell phone competition, have many an annoying story to share as it is, but up here in Canada you’re pretty much limited to Telus, Rogers or Bell as far as picking a phone carrier goes. Yeah, there’s also minor players like Virgin, Fido or Koodo (or Sasktel here in Saskatchewan) but generally the Big Three control the network and dictate to everyone else.
Anyway, here’s my story about Telus, who I’ve dealt with for the past four years or so now and have generally been pretty happy with.
For the past two years I’ve had an LG 490 Fastap from them, which has served me well, but a few months ago, days before the one year warranty was to expire, I started getting a well-known error message whereby sending a text message would freeze up the phone with a sort-of Red Screen of Death and you’d have to pull the battery to fix it. So I brought it into the Telus kiosk in the mall to send it out for warranty repair (we don’t actually have any repair facilities here in Saskatoon, because it’s fucking SASKATOON) and have the firmware upgraded, which would fix the problem. 6-8 weeks later, the phone comes back, and we pop into the mall to pick it up. The phone is there, it’s got my name on it, but when they go to transfer me back from my loaner phone to the proper one, they can’t activate it. Thus, I can’t have the phone, since it wasn’t received according to the computer. "OK," I say quite reasonably given the circumstances, "but you have the phone in your hands. I can clearly see it’s a phone which appears to be mine, why can’t you just punch in the magic numbers and let me go enjoy my New York Fries over at the food court?" Well, long story short, they can’t just do that because the repair facility’s computer is showing that mine was never sent out, and so the helpful clerk sends an e-mail to them asking, basically, WTF? Longer story shorter, two hours and several phone calls to unhelpful repair place later, someone finally decides to check the damn serial number of the phone received in my name, and lo and behold it’s got someone else’s stuff on it. Now, it’s a damn good thing I don’t keep sensitive private info on my cell phone because I’d be pretty fucking pissed that everything was now in the hands of some other poor sucker with the same phone, but this was annoying enough as it is. Their offer to make good: They’ll send me an identical new phone. Refurbished, of course. Not even an offer to upgrade the phone to something new for, you know, LOSING MY FUCKING PHONE.
Fine. Skip ahead another six months to now, and I’ve got six months left on my contract. Telus has a "Free Phone Promise" where they basically promise to upgrade your phone six months before the contract is to expire (so as to keep you on the hook), and when talking to a repair tech earlier in the month for an unrelated matter he had excitedly noted that I was due for my upgraded phone on the 20th. Well, hallelujah, now I can get an MP3 phone or something less likely to implode. So yesterday, the 19th, I go into the Telus kiosk because I have a day off and we’re at the mall anyway (curse you, New York Fries!) and ask if I can receive my new free phone early, what with it only being 24 hours removed from the upgrade date anyway. The computer says no, but the guy says we can call Client Care and ask them if they’ll bump it up, which seems like a reasonable request since I’ve taken the time out of my day to attempt to bring them business. Now, they also have a promise regarding phone wait times, which basically says that if you wait more than 5 minutes on hold for someone, they’ll give you the equivalent amount of airtime on your account and they brag that 80% of calls are answered in 20 seconds or less. My wait time? 20 minutes, standing on hold in the mall kiosk. Finally I get a rep, who as usual is not fluent in the English language, and I explain patiently that I’m standing here at the kiosk, ready to sign a new contract if they’ll bump up my Free Phone Promise 24 hours, and she notes there’s been an offer on my account for $200 off a data device (Blackberry / Palm whatever) that’s been there for a while, and wouldn’t I like to use that? I note that, no I wouldn’t because a data device runs $500 or more and even with $200 off that price on a three-year contract that I wouldn’t want anyway, that’s hardly a free phone. So she talks to her supervisor, and they put $150 off a regular phone, again on a three-year contract. And again I note, I don’t want a three-year contract and that’s not a free phone either. Now she’s getting frustrated with me and starts questioning if there’s some phone in particular I’m looking for and I’m trying to explain to her that how it works is Telus is supposed to present ME with a list of phones which I can acquire for free on my choice of contract terms, not the other way around, but then I just got sick of the whole conversation and hung up after wasting a half an hour of my day trying to convince them to take my money and apparently failing miserably. So now apparently I have to wait until they magically auto-generate the offer of a free phone sometime today, because the always-helpful real person who helped me at the kiosk noted (diplomatically, of course) that Telus head office was being real pricks about sticking strictly to the "no offers before the due date, no exceptions" policy lately and basically I just had to wait until they decided to come down from the golden tower and offer me a new phone on their terms.
Lemme tell ya, Virgin Mobile is looking pretty damn good right about now. And all the customer service reps that I’ve dealt with in my time when I handled cell phone sales actually spoke English, so that’s a plus too.
The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2008
- Live from Indianapolis, IN
- Your hosts are JR, MC, JL and T.
