LAST NIGHT, the E throws internet fans into a tizzy by simultaneously reintroducing the legendary Daniel Bryan, whilst also featuring John Cena embarking on yet another Herculean effort to thwart a bunch of guys who are, as of this moment, not as out-and-out reviled as he is.

We kick things off with a freshly vanquished Nexus organization, presumably here to a provide some sort of reasonable justification for their continued existence — however, Barrett’s confidence doesn’t seem to have been crippled in the slightest, and it’s business as usual. He promises more, more, more of the bad stuff.

Cena is out next, looking mighty pleased with himself. He labels Barrett as some sort of bizarre conglomerate of Winston Churchill and Snookie, the latter of which being a reference I think I’m too old to get. He proceeds to individually mock each member of the group, to varying degrees of funny, and either made or ruined Heath Slater’s career by prompting the fans to chant “Wendy.”

We’re interrupted by the Mystery GM, to a chorus of boos.  He books all of Nexus is unspecified matches during the course of the evening, while the crowd directs a pretty solid, “You tapped out” chant towards Barrett. Barrett, still undeterred, views this as a splendid opportunity, and promises to banish any Nexus member who loses their match. Otunga grabs the mic and says same to you, pal.

We close with yet ANOTHER interruption from the GM — all of the members can decide who they want to face, except for Barrett, who receives Chris Jericho, NEXT.

Wade Barrett vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho with the slugging attack to start, and then a suplex. We see the rest of the group, in the back, watching on a monitor. Jericho with a dropkick, and Barrett rolls to the apron – only to be dropkicked off. Barrett gains the advantage by thwarting a high-risk maneuver, and then runs him into the side of the ring. Back in, and a whip to the turnbuckle. Jericho fights back with some chops, but loses that battle, as the announcers point out that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle boxer. Charge misses into a boot, and Jericho comes off the top with a dropkick – only gets two. Bulldog, and a shot at the Walls is countered. Barrett tries his finisher, but it’s countered, too, and Jericho successfully rolls into the Walls this time – but Barrett grabs the ropes, ending that. Big boot to the face, but Jericho kicks out. Enziguri, but Barrett catches Jericho during a Codebreaker attempt, and hits his finisher for a 3, thusly remaining the leader of Nexus. So, they have one at least. Decent little match, but probably needed more time to amount to anything. Jericho once again proves to be a trooper when it comes to putting guys over, as he was beaten cleanly.

When we come back, Justin Roberts brings out the male cast of some chick-flick called “Going the Distance,” most of whom I like individually but am highly skeptical that their comedic talents will be properly utilized in this environment. They all talk over each other, and can’t seem to get to any sort of discernable point, going for cheap heat via NBA teams. For those keeping track, it looks like Jason Sudeikis is a heel, Justin Long is a face, and Charlie Day is a bumbling tweener, channeling Eugene.

The Hart Dynasty is out, but Cole-as-Proxy-GM interrupts. The Unified Tag Titles are now known as the WWE Tag Titles, and Bret is out to present the new belts.

Barrett interrupts, and announces Justin Gabriel vs. Bret Hart, for later in the night. Gabriel attempts to make some threatening remarks, but Bret looks sufficiently non-threatened. Awkward silence as we hit another break.

Michael Tarver vs. Daniel Bryan

You know, I never really followed Danielson in ROH, but somehow got sucked into the internet’s vortex of obsession, and am now legitimately excited that he’s back. The average fans sound relatively nonplussed with his entrance, although an audible minority gets a chant going. Lockup to start, and Tarver controls with boxing punches. Charge misses, and Bryan flies out of the corner with a kick. He works over the arm, and then hits Tarver with a series of stiff kicks to the chest. Bryan goes up, and connects with a pretty nice dropkick, square to the jaw. Miz and Alex Riley suddenly appear, providing enough of a distraction for Tarver to get the roll-up pin. Bryan retaliates with a suicide dive between the ropes, but Tarver assists with the beatdown, and a Skull-Crushing finale onto the briefcase looks like curtains for Bryan. “Weclome back,” he says.

When we return, Josh Matthews corrals the Miz, and wants some answers. Miz is bitter because of the attention Bryan received, and speaks highly of Alex Reiley.

Elsewhere, Nexus mumbles amongst themselves, while Darren Young calls dibs on John Cena. Well, so much for him. His peers respect that he will bravely march to his demise.

Justin Gabriel vs. Bret Hart

Before we begin, yet another GM interruption – the GM doesn’t like Bret Hart, and doesn’t want to see him wrestle. The new opponent is:

Justin Gabriel vs. Randy Orton

Doesn’t look good for Gabriel; this is quite the turnaround in athletic prowess. Gabriel leads off with some kicks, but they seem only to ignite Orton’s snake-like fury, or something. A few clotheslines later, and things are already looking bleak. DDT off the ropes. Dying Quail, but Orton bails out to intercept a suddenly appearing Sheamus. They brawl into the crowd, and it’s a count out victory for Gabriel. He gets to stay in the group – which is interesting, because I figured if they were actually going to boot someone, Gabriel is the one guy (aside from Barrett) who might actually be able to survive on his own at this point. Orton rolls back in to deliver an RKO. He grabs a chair, and wails on Sheamus. He seems to be channeling Ken Shamrock this week. RKO for Sheamus, and crowd eats up the crazy.

David Otunga & Skip Sheffield vs. John Morrison & R-Truth

Russian Leg Sweep by Morrison, and then Truth is in. Tag to Skip, and Truth dances in his general direction. Skip is not impressed, and squashes Truth. Otunga back in, and does some slugging. Warm tag to Morrison, who flails around with a few dropkicks. Blind tag to Skip, and he goes crazy. Big clothesline levels Morrison, and it’s a clean victory. Between last night and tonight, Skip Sheffield has been booked as a monster.

Melina, Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox, Maryse & Jillian Hall

Jon Lovitz is ringside, cutting a promo on Jerry Lawler. Wild slapping and grabbing goes nowhere, until Gail slams Maryse’s face into the mat. Crossbody off the turnbuckle by Kim only gets two, and she hangs Maryse in the corner. Melina vaults Kim onto Maryse, in a nice spot. Melina finds herself in the wrong corner, and gets clobbered. Fox in, for a suplex. Snap mare, and knee to the back. Tag to Eve, and she’s in against Jillian. Pair of dropkicks, and a slam.  A brawl breaks out, leaving the legal competitors in the ring – kick to the head by Eve, but gets slammed off the top by Jillian, and that’s three. The winning heel team argues amongst themselves after the match.

In the back, Josh Matthews welcomes Edge.  They’re quickly interrupted by Heath Slater – says he patterned his career after Edge, and maybe they can let bygones be bygones. He wants Edge to forfeit. Edge isn’t okay with that, and gets in another Wendy reference. Slater attacks him from behind, and we hit the break.

Heath Slater vs. Edge

Edge a house of fire at the outset. Clothesline, and he’s firmly in control. Fan: “WE REMEMBER THE BROOD, WE REMEMBER!” Slater gains the advantage and tosses him around outside, and then back in with an armlock. Slater misses a charge, and Edge-O-Match gets two. Edge hits an “unofficial” spear in the corner. Nobody home on baseball slide, but connects with a boot. They’re outside, and Edge revs-up the Spear. Slater sidesteps, slides into the ring, and Edge gets counted out. Slater is victorious, and gets to stay in Nexus – but Edge spears him into oblivion anyway. So far, they’ve won every match, somehow or another.

In the back, Justin Long is conversing with Khali about the Kiss Cam. He wants advice on long-distance relationships. Charlie and Sudeikis show back up, and everyone starts overlapping their jokes again. Khali scares them away and leaves with the Bella Twins.

Darren Young vs. John Cena

The rest of Nexus all wander out to the top of the ramp. Lock-up, and Young surprises Cena with a quick roll-up. Backslide gets two. Cena takes Young down with a headlock, but Young counters again, for another roll-up attempt. Young with the offense, and looking halfway competent. Suplex, and another two count. Swinging neckbreaker, and Young has controlled most of the match. Suplex, and another two. Young looks frustrated, and rips off his elbowpads. He tosses Cena outside, and pursues, ramming Cena’s head into the steps. The count is on, but Cena beats it in, and Young misses a legdrop. Cena slugs back with his Superman comeback, and hits a pair of running shoulderblocks. 5-Knuckle Shuffle. Young rolls out of the Attitude Adjustment, into the STF, and it’s over. Darren Young came off looking pretty good here, but it was all for naught. Nexus surrounds the ring – but it’s not for Cena, it’s for Young. Massive beatdown ensues, culminating with the Sheffield lariat, Barrett’s finisher (which I still don’t really know the name of) and Gabriel’s 450. Actually feel a little bad for Young here, as he seems to draw sympathy pretty well. And that’s the show.

Christopher Castleberry

Christophercastleberry713@gmail.com