Scott's Blog of Doom

Just a quick question: I love your rants, and have collected a bunch of funny quotes from your RAW/SD rants, do you want to put them in your Blog or should I just act normal and stop collecting them?

Well, I’m never one to promote normalcy…

RAW 2001-06-11: "Anyway, Foley decides to suck all the heat, fun and interest out of a perfectly good verbal sparring match by bringing Linda McMahon out to wreck everyone’s night."

RAW 2001-06-11: Kane vs. Christian: "Unprettier is shrugged off and a chokeslam seems imminent, but Albert makes the run-in and hits the Albertbomb, giving Christian the meaningless win to advance into a tournament without brackets. I tells ya, I don’t think I can sleep for the next two weeks knowing I have to wait that long to see Albert v. Kane. Doesn’t the WWF hear the pops Albert gets? Man, they should really push that guy harder, he’s so underappreciated by the announcers. I hear he’s a stud with a bright future and a potential WWF champion who can walk on water if given the right opportunity in this industry."

RAW 2001-06-18: "The Stalker interrupts to let us know he’s in Tampa, and shows us another video. The scintellating details this time sees Undertaker borrowing his father-in-law’s bandsaw and getting caught on camera bogarting it. SCANDAL! Well, I guess if the American Badass gimmick flops badly enough, he can always go back to making his own coffins in the garage."

RAW 2001-06-18: "JR starts delivering his patented Ross Report Blowjob of the Week to Albert before he even gets to the ring, as Albert is now apparently the guy who is not only a future WWF champion and a stud, but he’s also in the background of the Zapruder film catching Lee Harvey Oswald in the act and going after him. I hear he’s also going to fight Superman in the coming weeks and will probably step up his game a few notches again in order to go toe-to-toe with the Man of Steel while composing best-selling novels in his spare time and running for Governor of New York. He’d probably win, too, because he’s the future of this industry and all. Albert pounds on Matt in the corner, but Matt fights back and walks into a lariat. A hellacious one, I should add, one which could carry this industry for years to come all by itself. Splash misses, though, as JR can be heard to break into tears."

RAW 2001-06-18: "Meanwhile, Austin and Vince have a man-to-man talk about feelings and hugging and stuff. Vince is pretty uncomfortable about it, and it ends up with Austin’s feelings being hurt and him telling off Vince and making him choose between him or Linda. Man, is that divorce storyline STILL going on?"

RAW 2001-06-18: "Not exactly the sort of show to make the casual fans part with their $30. Maybe the biggest star in the industry right now, HHH’s quad muscle, will do a run-in in the main event, but then anything can happen in the WWF."

RAW 2001-06-25: "Meanwhile, the APA organize all the undercard nothings in preparation for WCW’s invasion. Oh wow, can you imagine how exciting and fresh those Haku v. Hugh Morrus matches will be!"

RAW 2001-06-25: Edge vs. Billy Gunn: "This match is the wrestling equivalent of novacaine, without the upside of the dental work."

RAW 2001-07-02: "Meanwhile, Torrie puts the moves on Vince in a shower stall, but Austin interrupts, wondering why they’re doing business in a shower. “Sometimes”, Vince quips, “you just have to do business in the shower”. Can’t argue with that logic."

RAW 2001-07-02: "Meanwhile, Vince & Torrie start making out in a bathroom, but now they run into Saturn. You get the feeling that the wrestling is just filler for the skits tonight?"

RAW 2001-07-30: Matt Hardy & Lita vs. Hurricane & Torrie. "Torrie & Lita start and pretend to wrestle for a bit."

RAW 2001-07-30: "Meanwhile, Angle tells Debra the awful truth: She’s a useless valet who is wasting valuable airtime that people without indecipherable southern drawls could be using to get over. Oh wait, sorry, it’s just him telling her that her cookies suck. But he was THINKING that other stuff, you could tell."

RAW 2001-11-12: "The Rock hasn’t forgotten WM, oh no. He wants a piece of Austin, but then before the interview can go anywhere useful they start interrupting each other’s comedy bits, then say “what” at each other for five minutes, then exchange songs as Austin does “Delta Dawn” and Rock does “The Gambler”. Yeah, I remember when Ray Stevens and Pepper Gomez sang to each other the week before their big match in San Francisco, man, that drew MILLIONS."

RAW 2001-11-26: Test vs. Edge: "Y’all will be happy to know that JR has officially upgraded Test from promising younger to full-blown Hoss."

RAW 2001-11-26: "Do they HAVE to humiliate JR every time they go through Oklahoma now? Undertaker saves, but then turns on him and joins McMahon’s group for reasons I cannot fathom nor do I care to, and we’re left with JR getting his face shoved up Vince McMahon’s ass while Vince then parades the ring with his pants down and wearing Jim’s cowboy hat. I am very, very sure that a qualified psychiatrist is in order for Vince at this point, but this show was obviously the product of a troubled soul, and I fear for his sanity."

RAW 2001-12-17: "Now then, onto more serious matters, namely the problems of time travel and alien abduction."

SD 2002-01-03: "If Tully Blanchard were dead, he’d be rolling over in his grave right now seeing that pathetic attempt at mashing a microphone into someone’s head."

SD 2002-01-03: "The replay reveals, via Michael Cole, that in fact the microphone is made out of STEEL. Between the steel stairs, steel railing, steel ringposts and now apparently steel microphones, the WWF must single-handedly keep Pittsburgh in business. Further updates reveal that Austin has “shards of metal from the microphone” lodged in his head. You know, I never realized what kind of a dangerous weapon the microphone truly must be. And they let KIDS play with these things? Why doesn’t someone start a microphone-registration program to prevent serious microphone-related injuries? In fact, come to think of it, the other night on Law & Order it was that episode from ’99 where a kid shot up a cafeteria full of his classmates with a semi-automatic microphone and they all cut their foreheads open with razor blades until they bled to death. Tragic story."

SD 2002-01-03: "Had Undertaker successfully driven down the ring, then back up the ramp again and away, I would have given it a courtesy *** rating and smiled about it."

SD 2002-01-03: "Show loads up the plunder, but it backfires as he takes a vicious garbagecan lid to the head. I guess it’s one of those specially-made steel lids, just for WWF hardcore matches."

RAW 2001-01-14: "#1 Contender match: Jazz v. Jackie. As if a title generally defended in giant pools of dessert topping even warrants a ranking system."

SD 2001-01-17: Bossman vs. Diamond Dallas Page: "Bossman goes low and hotshots him, but when he tries to get all New Japan by busting out his newest innovation – “The Body Slam”, the glare from DDP’s teeth causes him a momentary bout of devastating blindness, not unlike looking [at] Joanie Laurer’s Playboy spread..."

SD 2001-01-17: "Anyway, Spike & Tazz arrive and get mugged by the Dudley Boyz, as they shove Tazz into the glove compartment of a Volkswagen..."

SD 2001-01-17: "Elsewhere, HHHH tells Stephanie to stay put, presumably accomplished by leaving a cameraman behind to trick her into thinking she’d be on TV for the next 20 minutes. At least that’s my theory. But then only Stephanie would write in a segment where she goes on TV to explain why she’s not on TV tonight."

RAW 2002-02-04: Booker T vs. Triple H: "How many shitty post-comeback HHH matches do we have to endure before someone above him points out how repetitive and limited his moveset is becoming again? Remember in 2000 when he was doing all that selling and busting out all those cool new twists in his offense every PPV? Now it’s back to knee, knee, neckbreaker, choke, Pedigree again and I’m getting worried. Maybe it’s Jericho’s fault."

RAW 2002-02-04: "Stephanie comes out for the big surprise. She brings hubbie out first, because she wants to renew their wedding vows. So does that mean HHH is gonna slip her another roofie and take her through a drive-in chapel before raping her again, or is Test gonna interrupt their wedding this time and get the monster push after headlining a PPV against Vince? HHH has apparently considered both of these possibilities (he IS the Cerebral Assassin, you know) and thinks it’s a stupid idea. Great line: Why DOES everything with the McMahons have to be on live TV? Stephanie blames the fans, but HHH still refuses, until Steph gets desperate and pulls the pregnancy trick on him. Well, since we’re in Vegas this week, might as well lay odds on which ridiculous turn the storyline will take, considering that it’s both Heyman and Steph writing…

- If Stephanie writes: Stephanie isn’t pregnant at all and she’s just playing HHH for a sucker since she’s smarter and prettier than everyone else in the promotion. 7:5 odds.

- If Heyman writes: Stephanie isn’t pregnant at all and she’s secretly been in a lesbian relationship with Stacy Keibler, who HHH then goes on to squash at the next PPV before the Dudley Boyz (who won the tag titles from Billy & Chuck earlier in the night) attack, drawing Chris Jericho out to make the save because they respect each other after their Wrestlemania match. They have an impromptu title match, which Jericho & HHH win, but they don’t really like each other, but still go on to hold the tag titles for 6 months while HHH is still WWF champion. At some point Stacy turns on the Dudley Boyz and joins them and the initial angle is completely forgotten. The WWF goes bankrupt and sells to Acclaim six months later. 50:1 odds.

- If Eric Bischoff writes: Stephanie IS pregnant, and Jericho is the father. They have a match to settle things, but the nWo attacks both guys and we’re desperately out of time. 20:1 odds.

- If Vince Russo writes: Stephanie is pregnant, and he’s the father. He books a cage match with himself against HHH for the WWF title (after he won it from Jericho on Heat 6 weeks before Wrestlemania) and Jericho is the special referee. Jericho turns on Russo and helps HHH win, but on RAW the next night Russo announces that Jericho failed to read the fine print of the contract, which said that if he turned on Russo, Russo would be awarded the WWF title by default. HHH & Jericho team up in a handicap match against Russo later in the show, but HHH turns on Jericho to allow Russo to win and retain the title. But HHH reveals that Russo didn’t read the fine print in the contract, which said that he had to pin HHH, not Jericho, to win, so they have another singles match to settle things, with Jericho as special referee again. Jeff Jarrett inexplicably runs in and hits everyone with a guitar before pinning Russo to win the title. Stephanie brings a baby carriage with a picture of Big Show in it a few weeks later, because she’s actually in love with him, but the Filthy Animals bury him in the desert before the blowoff match can take place. Jeff Jarrett loses the WWF title back to Russo with a fingerpoke on RAW. The WWF goes bankrupt and sells to the XWF for $4.50 six months later. 5000:1 odds.

- If Vince McMahon writes: Stephanie is pregnant, and IT WAS HIM, IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG. 15:1 odds.

- If Pat Patterson writes: No one ever gets pregnant, Goldust, Billy and Chuck all get big pushes. 50,000:1 odds.

- I think I lost the original point in there somewhere, but HHH certainly seems to be overjoyed (but whose hair will the poor kid inherit? And whose nose?)."

RAW 2002-02-11: "You know it’s a WWF show when the big wedding ends with the father of the bride getting a Pedigree."

RAW 2002-02-18: "Austin wants a sit-in until he “gets a piece of nWo ass”. I didn’t think there was enough beer in the world to make that a worthwhile goal."

RAW 2002-02-18: "Any gimmick that results in the person losing every match is a bad one."

RAW 2002-02-18: "And then, as the “drama” of Rock’s daring rescue from a soon-to-explode ambulance reaches its climax… the Godfather’s music hits. And people wonder why wrestling gets mocked in the media."

RAw 2002-02-18: "Lawler has now upgraded the Goldust-RVD match to a 30-minute classic."

RAW 2002-02-26: Scott’s Guide To Promoting Your First PPV: "Flying in guys to cut promos is a waste of money that could be spending on your production values. Flying in guys to job in a squash is a waste of money that you could be spending on your production values. Flying in a manager is a waste of money that you could be spending on your production values. Flying in Hiroyoshi Tenzan from Japan to push Disco Inferno around in a throwaway moment is a waste of money that you could be spending on flying Disco Inferno anywhere else in the US."

RAW 2002-02-26: "Meanwhile, Christian goes to see Arn Anderson, who is standing in for Flair tonight. He wants to quit, but DDP persuades him otherwise. They practice smiling. That’s the best they can think of for this angle?"

RAW 2002-02-26: "Jazz v. Mighty Molly. Jazz jumps her to start and stomps away. She tries to rip the cape, but it’s from Krypton and is thus impervious to damage unless under a red sun."

RAW 2002-02-26: "But wait, our heroine is injured and Arn Anderson decides to help her out, while Undertaker just happens to be heading out for no adequately defined reason. Maybe wrestlers just carry their entrance music with them whenever they go on walks."

RAW 2002-02-26: "Meanwhile, Ric Flair arrives in his limo, finds out about Arn, and then leaves again. That’s the life for me. 5 seconds of work for $1,000,000 a year."

SD 2002-02-28: "We establish who is going to walk in what direction towards who, and indeed Austin, as promised, walks up the ramp towards them. And then he pulls out a “gun” and shoots a net at Kevin Nash. Once again, Nash works the net. And, um, yeah, that’s pretty much the whole segment. Man, I know if some guy shot a fishing net at me I’d be…uh…mildly inconvenienced! Yeah! I’d be like “Dude, get this net off me or I’ll glare at you!” Holy crap that sets new standards for stupid and campy. God bless the WWF production team – they actually show a slow-mo replay of the net blasting out of the gun and Kevin Nash’s dramatic oversell of it."

SD 2002-02-28: "Ah, but on the video screen, Edge sneaks in and steals the shampoo contract out from under Booker. I think Killer Kowalski bit off Yukon Eric’s ear over a similar argument."

RAW 2002-03-04: "Rikishi saves Scotty from a beating, and they hug, but don’t dance. Well, shit, that’s like Liz & Randy hugging without getting married after!"

RAW 2002-03-04: "Undertaker comes out to gripe. He’s wondering just what he can do to convince Flair to fight him. So this morning he paid David a visit at the training center. Bad things result. Not that it wasn’t bad enough for David as it was, but if a big tattooed guy dressed like a biker dragged ME into a bathroom and told everyone else not to open the door, I’d be worried about getting more than a beatdown from him."

SD 2002-03-07: "Michael Cole, master wordsmith, narrates the scene in a shocked tone of voice, noting that “he just dropped a steel door on him and hit him in the head with a chair!” No, REALLY? Thank god Michael was there to clear that up for me while it was happening on the screen and all. I’m sure all the blind people watching the show are eternally grateful."

SD 2002-03-07: "Rock is selling the near-death experience with a small piece of bandage in the general area of one side of his ribs. Well, they’re trying."

RAW 2002-03-11: "Meanwhile, as the Bored of Directors fights to stay away through Vince’s INCREDIBLY BORING SPEECH, he wraps things up by demanding that Flair’s embarassing actions result in the bored stripping him of his powers. This coming from the guy who rubbed his ass in JR’s face while wearing a cowboy hat, drugged his own wife (who is sitting right there) while making out with a 22 year old blonde, and specifically brought the nWo back into the company to destroy it? And FLAIR’S the one who needs to be brought before the board?"

SD 2002-03-28: "Kurt Angle comes out and gets hassled by the fans. He’s upset at Steph’s demise and wants a moment of silence. Just throw a HHH title match out there, that oughtta do it."

SD 2002-03-28: "Hardcore title: Maven v. Raven. Well, even if their career fails, they can earn a good living leasing out their names to Roxette in case they need a better rhyme than “moon” and “June”."

RAW 2002-04-01: "Okay, we’re back, and security is on Vince. “What are they out here for?” King asks. “Security reasons.” Ross replies. Well, he asked."

RAW 2002-04-01: "Meanwhile, Vince plots from his limo. Here’s a helpful tip for all you aspiring evil geniuses out there – when you’re hatching an infernal scheme, make sure there isn’t a cameraman in your secret hideout."

RAW 2002-04-01: "Kane’s pyro fails to go off. I hear that happens to a lot of guys his age."

SD 2002-04-04: "Hogan reminsces about Wrestlemanias past, and much like diarrhea, Hulkamania returns when you least want it."

SD 2002-04-04: "Angle goes to the eyes and hammers away, and chairshots Edge for the DQ at 3:08. Apparently this is the kind of action we can expect every week on the new Smackdown, according to Cole. Wow, 3-minute matches with a DQ finish? Now that’s innovation! SIGN ME UP!"

RAW 2002-04-08: "We watch some clips from earlier tonight. Thank god we have JR to perform valuable services like explaining that the #1 contender angle is confusing. I didn’t get that at all before he broke it down like that and really explained WHY we should be confused by it. Before, I was confused, but for entirely the wrong reasons, not the correct WWF-Style Confusion as cleared by the PR department."

SD 2002-04-11: "Another charge misses and Scotty goes for the Worm, but gets bicycle kicked and Baldobombed for the pin at 2:35. Total squash. Great, another two months of hearing what a hoss Albert is. ¼* Rikishi makes the save. Can’t wait for that blowoff."

SD 2002-04-11: "Jericho rolls him up for the pin at 7:00 after a completely accidental glancing blow from Angle. Cole claims that Jericho holds the tights, but who are you gonna believe – him or me? *** The replay is obviously doctored by the biased American production crew in order to simulate someone holding the tights. If you look closely you can tell that it’s just the finish to the Savage-Flair match from Wrestlemania VIII with Jericho’s head pasted on."

SD 2002-04-18: "Chavo attacks the Boy Wonder, but gets headscissored. Using our English-To-Cole dictionary, this translates as “What a move!”

SD 2002-04-18: "Mark Henry comes out to lift a car. Obviously having nothing better to do, Test & Faarooq and a cast of dozens place bets on the outcome. Henry does the lift, but Test cheats Faarooq on the money and a brawl erupts. They’re really hurting for angles these days."

SD 2002-04-18: "Hogan’s little buddy Edge makes the save, thus preparing himself to join the illustrious ranks of successful ex-Hogan lackeys like Tugboat, Brutus Beefcake and Ric Flair."

SD 2002-04-18: Hardcore Holly vs. Diamond Dallas Page: "I know what you’re thinking – a dream match featuring Sparky Plugg taking on Eric Bischoff’s next door neighbor is WASTED on free TV instead of PPV? WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? Man, I just don’t know sometimes."

SD 2002-04-25: "Mark Henry v. Christian. Apparently Mark Henry has “shown” all us naysayers who didn’t believe in him. This despite not actually wrestling a match yet since coming back. But hey, he bent some bars, so his comeback is a glorious success. Henry tosses Christian around, slaps a clawhold on him, and finishes with a bearhug (!) at 1:51. This angle is just begging for a mercy-kill. Ooo, he stands around while a smaller guy bounces off him like a ping-pong ball, that sure showed us."

SD 2002-04-25: "Speaking of lost causes, Albert gets a few face pops in a comedy team, so they turn him heel and push him as a serious monster again. Follow that logic if you can."

RAW 2002-04-29: "Meanwhile, Undertaker gets in Sgt. Slaughter’s face. I’m just shocked that Vince hasn’t tried repackaging him as Sarge Bin Laden and starting a feud with Bradshaw yet."

RAW 2002-04-29: "Dark Angel promo hyping Lita’s appearance. JR’s tasteless promo line tops his earlier effort for selling his soul, as he happily encourages us to check out the episode where Lita breaks her neck in three places! Ah, wrestling, gotta love it."

RAW 2002-04-29: "Bubba turns a wristlock into a waltz, and dances. Fat guys dancing = RATINGS."

RAW 2002-04-29: Jazz vs. Bubba Ray Dudley: "Steven Richards does the Government Mandated Run-In, hitting Bubba with a guitar to win the title at 4:09. Have I mentioned how much I REALLY REALLY hate that finish? And why not just make it Richards v. Dudley instead of wasting our time with the Jazz comedy routine? Hey, great, build up the badass women’s champ and then crush her to get a funny visual. Brilliant."

RAW 2002-05-06: "Hall has an earth-shattering surprise that will change the face of sports entertainment FOREVER tonight. Um, he’s gonna show up at Judgment Day sober for once?"

RAW 2002-05-06: "Crowd wants to see Flair and cheer him, and of course the WWF is all about giving the fans what they want, except of course when they know better than the fans what the fans want, which is why we don’t see Flair wrestle here."

SD 2002-05-09: "Back in, he sets up for the Big Fucking Kick, but Torrie decides to assert her independence by stripping, because according to the WWF all women are attracted to power and really just want to get naked."

SD 2002-05-09: "Test v. Mark Henry. Oh, sure, just give away that potential PPV main event on free TV. Test gets overpowered, and then wants a test of strength with the World’s Strongest Man. Must be the water in Ontario."

SD 2002-05-09: "Angle comes out to explain the rules of a hair v. hair match, and show what Edge would look like bald. Kinda like Justin Credible, actually. But wait, that wacky Edge changes the screen to a picture of bald Kurt. Speaking of bald, Hulk Hogan interrupts."

RAW 2002-05-13: "Trish Stratus & Bubba Ray Dudley v. Jazz & Stevie Richards. This is for both Hardcore & Women’s titles, and JR states explicitly that men & women cannot under any circumstances mix in this match, so of course they immediately start brawling together."

RAW 2002-05-13: "And once again it’s time for YOUR Comedy Classic of the Week, as Hogan, dressed like the gay biker in the Village People, volunteers to be a lumberjack (whoa ho, there’s your triple-entendre o’ the night…) but Undertaker viciously attacks him and ties him to the back of his motorcycle. Aw, how romantic. We go on a fun-filled ride through the building, with Undertaker dragging Hogan at like 4 MPH (while he’s obviously wearing an extra-padded jacket and helmet, and probably a gimmicked roller tray underneath him) before crashing into a big pile of devastating cardboard boxes."

SD 2002-05-30: "Rico & Rikishi v. Billy & Chuck. I think maybe if you tried you could conjure a more retarded feud than this, but really it’d be a stretch. [...] The Alberta crowd shows sensitivity by chanting “faggot” at Billy & Chuck. [...] Buttdrop on Chuck gets one. Rico falls on Chuck at 2:15 to retain. This must be one of those compelling storylines they’re always talking about at the press conferences."

SD 2002-05-30: "Michael Cole calls the descending cage a “maze of twisted steel”. I guess for Cole a big square qualifies as enough of a challenge to be considered a maze."

RAW 2002-06-03: "Hardcore title: Steven Richards v. Bradshaw. My cable went out for about 30 seconds after the break, so I may have missed some crucial bits of information relating to the match."

SD 2002-06-13: "It’s the WWE’s job to entertain the fans, so here’s a contract signing! Wow, that IS entertainment. HHH is so intense that he doesn’t even do his full entrance. Undertaker signs. Can you stand the suspense? HHH signs. Well, that was thrilling. Vince and security leave, and Undertaker attacks him and pounds away. I’m aghast that a contract signing could possibly degenerate into an attack by a heel. This is completely unprecedented in wrestling."

RAW 2002-06-24: "And we open right away with one of those segments where everyone is in the ring! The whole roster! Well, except for Brock Lesnar. And the champion, Undertaker. Oh, and the entire nWo. And Ric Flair. But other than that, everyone’s there!"

RAW 2002-06-24: Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy: "Back in, Last Ride finishes at 2:40. Wow, that sure rocked my world. That Undertaker, what a company man."

SD 2002-06-27: "Jamie Noble & Tajiri v. Kidman & Hurricane. An astute fan at ringside has a sign saying “Trailer Trash”, presumably referring to Noble & Nidia. Man, where do people think of those witty signs? It must have taken hours to come up with that one."

RAW 2002-07-22: "Kneedrop and Bischoff declares it over as the Island Boyz run in and destroy them at 1:24 for the Sportz Entertainment Finish. DUD JR & King don’t know who they are. Man, he’s not much of a Talent Relations guy, then."

RAW 2002-07-29: "HHH is out to solve the Shawn Problem himself, in the ring, because he doesn’t solve problems in parking lots. Unless of course he’s hiring people to run other people over."

RAW 2002-08-05: Tables Match: "Pinfalls are non-existent, declares JR. Wow, that’s some pretty deep philosophy for a wrestling show."

RAW 2002-08-05: "JR doesn’t think they’ve ever lost a tag match. Discounting of course that they’ve lost EVERY match they’ve been in."

RAW 2002-08-05: "We’re back, and Lillian is being carted out on a stretcher. JR wonders how this is supposed to be entertaining. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments."

RAW 2002-08-05: "By the way, did you know HHH is the franchise player of RAW? Just thought I’d mention it, in case you didn’t get that from the show where he interrupted every segment and sucked all the heat out of everyone. Hey, maybe he should give himself a peptalk, except that’d it probably be so boring that he’d put himself to sleep and he wouldn’t remember anything that he told himself."

SD 2002-08-08: "Kidman chooses to make the fatal error all great leaders do – he tries to spank the ho instead of going after her redneck boyfriend. I hear that’s what ended the Roman empire."

SD 2002-08-15: "Heyman gets into ramble territory, and Rikishi interrupts. Tazz notes “He’s got something to say or do!” Really, you THINK?"

RAW 2002-08-19: "HHH and his clipboard (probably found in a box marked “McMahon-Helmsley Era”) come out to thrill us with CONTRACT LEGALITIES."

RAW 2002-08-19: "HHH promises that the match will be brutal. I bet it will."

RAW 2002-08-26: "JR notes that Unforgiven will be the first ever WWE PPV from LA, which I guess is accurate if you ignore the TWO Wrestlemanias that were held there."

SD 2002-08-29: "Remember, kids, if people tell you that cheating is wrong, poke them in the eye when they’re not looking."

SD 2002-09-05: "Elsewhere, Edge & Rikishi have a fascinating philosophical discussion about the deeper meaning of Rikishi shoving his ass in people’s faces. Smackdown: It’s Fun AND Informative!"

SD 2002-09-05: "And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: A sitdown interview, moderated by Stephanie, between Brock and Undertaker."

SD 2002-09-05: "Apparently in Michael Cole World, throwing punches for the whole match makes Undertaker a “striker” and throwing a suplex makes Lesnar a “grappler”."

RAW 2002-09-09: "And yet I guess Stephanie is going to be portrayed as a babyface for giving us a gay wedding?"

RAW 2002-09-16: "Apparently anger is the reason HHH headlines PPVs and sells out arenas. Well, he must not have been very angry lately."

RAW 2002-09-16: "Earlier today, women protest outside of the arena. You think Vince is maybe gonna mock his critics again with that rapier senior citizen wit?"

RAW 2002-09-16: "Uncle Eric introduces the protesters, who draw heel heat for demanding equality and women’s rights. Wrestling fans, gotta love ‘em."

SD 2002-09-19: "Stephanie comes out for an interview to congratulate herself."

RAW 2002-09-30: Booker T & Goldust vs. Three Minute Warning: "Rico takes out Goldust and Booker goes it alone, but gets caught in the BIG FAT SAMOAN SPLASH OF DEATH and it’s over at 6:34. Hey, job the hometown heroes in the first match and kill the crowd, great strategy! Booker and Goldust are pretty much the only thing worth watching on this show these days, but hey, Rosey and Jamal are big fat Samoans, so I can see why they’d rather push them instead of someone who’s over."

RAW 2002-09-30: "You can always tell when Vince is desperate because he constantly reminds us of the competition while trying to pretend it’s not actually competition."

RAW 2002-09-30: "HIPNESS UPDATE! JR has finally learned the proper meaning of “going commando” and is able to use it in context. He won’t shut up about football, however."

SD 2002-10-03: "Brock hits Taker with a can of propane, which Taker sells. Okay, great, all they need to do is push the propane can now, and we’re set."

RAW 2002-10-14: "HHH walks out of frame and we fade, but he interrupts with “And another thing…” to hype the match tonight, thus showing that he won’t even put over the commercial breaks."

RAW 2002-10-21: "Regal gets a sleeper, but the match is so important that we cut to the back as Kane arrives."

RAW 2002-10-21: "Bischoff comes out to tell us about his latest brainstorm for Survivor Series: The Elimination Chamber. Isn’t that the British name for a toilet?"

SD 2002-10-24: "Twist of Fate is blocked and reversed to the Rikishi Driver, which we haven’t seen in a dog’s age, and that gets the pin at 3:21. God forbid Matt Hardy gets to actually go over anyone, but bad business means Vince panics and starts pushing fat guys."

RAW 2002-10-28: "Meanwhile, Stacy & Test try to think up a catchy name for Test’s fans: Testicles. Well, it’s suitable, since there’s only two of them."

SD 2002-10-31: "Brock Lesnar v. Rey Mysterio. They should do a swerve and have Rey unmask and be revealed as Big Show. That’d be awesome. They could do like Undertaker & Kane in 98 where you never knew which was which."

SD 2002-11-07: "Elsewhere, Cena and Rikishi have a freestyle rap-off. Nothing like a couple of white guys rapping at each other to up the hip quotient of the show."

SD 2002-11-07: John Cena vs. Rikishi: "Main event spinebuster sets up the banzai drop at 4:12. Making your up-and-coming stars look like goofs and then squashing them strikes me as a bit counterproductive, but I guess they have to preserve the millions of dollars that Rikishi draws."

SD 2002-11-07: "Al Wilson comes out to thrill us with his charisma and calls out Dawn Marie. Even Cole & Tazz are warning us that this is gonna be terrible. Al asks her to marry him, and now the subject of Billy & Chuck has officially become fair game for wisecracks by the announcers, too. What the hell is the point of putting stuff this bad on television and then pointing out how bad it is? Dawn accepts as Tazz apologizes for the entire segment. Talk about truth in advertising."

RAW 2002-11-04: "Meanwhile, Ivory and Victoria do some bonding. Victoria wants to take Trish’s soul. Well, that’s a unique stipulation at least. Can we have a soul on a pole match? Victoria’s psycho act is not what you could easily call convincing – it generally takes more than rubbing your hands together in a menacing fashion to pull it off. But if she was going for “My hands are cold”, mission accomplished!"

RAW 2002-10-04: "Meanwhile, F-View catches HHH & Jericho plotting against Michaels. Flair’s got their back. Shawn is there watching the whole time, prompting JR to explain that Shawn was there watching the whole time. Nice to see Jim earning his pay."

RAW 2002-11-18: "Shawn and his belt join us for the opening interview. He promises not to bore us with an acceptance speech. Oh, so we’ll skip right to forfeiting the belt due to a bogus injury, I guess. Most of his interviews seem to end up that way."

RAw 2002-11-18: "Stevie Richards interrupts, and he’s UPSET. Man, I was totally waiting for a Test-Stevie feud to make RAW complete."

RAW 2002-11-25: "Test v. Stevie Richards. Test is the future of the company, you know. Linda McMahon said so, and god knows that SHE'S an expert."

RAW 2002-11-25: "Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz steal the naked champions' bags, leaving them stuck in towels and flip-flops. JR was laughing, so it must be funny."

RAW 2002-11-25: "Spike pulls off the towels to complete the humiliation. Whatever happened to the Dudleyz winning matches and putting women through tables in order to draw heat? Male nudity does not make me want to see a rematch."

RAW 2002-11-25: Kane vs. Batista: "Kane goes after Flair, and gets jumped by Batista. JR suspects a setup. I wonder if they switch roles and have Michael Cole in the gorilla position this week?"

RAW 2002-11-25: Goldust vs. Rico: "JR references Rico's American Gladiator win, AND his police career, both of which would be perfectly good babyface gimmicks, and yet he's still playing a gay stylist managing two samoans."

RAW 2002-11-25: Shawn Michaels vs. Rob Van Dam. "JR notes that RVD has been a bridesmaid, but never a groom. These JR mixed metaphors are edging into senility."

SD 2002-11-28: "Your hosts are Michael Cole & Ernest Miller. If the Olympics made synchronized idiocy a sport, they’d get the gold."

SD 2002-11-28: "Elsewhere, the cops escort Brock out. Good thing there’s no REAL crimes going on while these guys are escorting wrestlers out of the building."

SD 2002-11-28: Pilgrim Fashion Show: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie: "Torrie of course attacks her and rips off the pilgrim outfit, prompting a food fight that sees Al getting a pie in the face. Truly high-concept stuff. Maybe a heel can throw a banana peel into the ring for a face to slip on next."

SD 2002-11-28: "Scott Steiner is so manly that I’m sure HHH will bang SIX hookers live on RAW just to make sure that we don’t start thinking he’s no longer the Manliest Man in the WWE."

RAW 2002-12-02: "During the break, the tag champs attack the Dudleyz and completely destroy them. Why do that during the commercial break? Wow, guys laying in the ring, what excitement!"

RAW 2002-12-02: "High Chief Morley thinks nothing could be edgier and more original than a guest referee!"

RAw 2002-12-02: "RNN BREAKING NEWS! Sadly, there’s a developing story backstage at RAW, thus interrupting Orton. It’s HHH, wandering the halls. Wow, that’s quite the story."

SD 2002-12-05: "How this is different than any of the other million bad matches Albert has had on Velocity with other cruiserweights, I don’t know, but Albert has those three important characteristics of top-level WWE superstars: He’s tall, muscular, and has a full head of hair. Of course, the hair is on his BACK, but these are desperate times."

SD 2002-12-05: "The heat machine is weird, inserting pops and boos at random points. Apparently the heat machine is as confused about Steph’s alignment as I am. For example, she announces that Steiner will be here next week to sign his contract, and the crowd boos. Michael Cole is then inserted with a voiceover explaining that the crowd was booing because he’s not here THIS week. That’s some bizarre post-production work."

SD 2002-12-05: "Funaki v. Bill DeMott. Bill beats on Funaki and tosses him around for two. Choking follows as Cole & Tazz explain that DeMott has been around for 11 years, had tons of dumb gimmicks, and could never get over or win the big match. Wow, that’ll shoot him right to the top."

RAW 2002-12-09: "Meanwhile, Shawn will be waiting in the parking lot for HHH after the show. Sounds like a pickup line."

RAW 2002-12-09: "He attacks HHH with a snow shovel and they do a silly brawl that ends with Shawn climbing a conveniently placed ladder to the top of a truck and diving into a dumpster on HHH. What is with this promotion and dumpsters? Shawn, covered in packing peanuts, delivers a soliloquy right out of Henry V, assuming Henry had just jumped off a truck into packing peanuts."

SD 2002-12-12: "Elsewhere, Torrie STORMS in Dawn Marie’s dressing room and confronts her about the rumors. Torrie lets her know that Al is here, so Dawn has to call off the wedding tonight. Cole summarizes this for us in case we missed it in all the layers of deep dialogue."

SD 2002-12-12: "And hey, it’s another in-ring talking segment, as Stephanie calls out Scott Steiner for his contract signing. Scott reveals that Steph wouldn’t put out for him and she definitely didn’t scream “Boomshakalaka”. That’s a pretty specific fetish."

RAW 2002-12-16: "Meanwhile, Big Chief Morley and Uncle Eric cross signals, as Eric wants a HHH Appreciation Party for the main event, while Morley wants a party for Scott Steiner. Hey, you know what I want? A MATCH! It is, however, considerate of them to inform us that they don’t have a main event match so that viewers can switch to football early."

RAW 2002-12-16: "Maven v. Chris Nowinski. Oh man, there goes the Royal Rumble main event!"

RAW 2002-12-16: "JR is keeping track of the winning streak like it’s Goldberg or something. Of course, they lost at the PPV, but apparently this is some sort of “RAW exclusive” winning streak now."

RAW 2002-12-16: "They argue about arm (i.e., dick) size as the segment drags on and on, but Steiner wants HHH tonight. Well, we’ve got about 4 seconds of TV time left, so I wouldn’t hold my breath. Nothing like a couple of tough guys TALKING for 10 minutes."

SD 2002-12-19: "Elsewhere, Big Show destroys a locker because he's so darn ANGRY. There's a lot of angry fat guys running around the WWE these days. What we need are some jolly fat guys to balance things out."

RAW 2002-12-23: "HHH is going to call out Steiner TONIGHT. See, now I realize why they write segments like this (to hype later segments for ratings reasons), but from a storyline flow point of view, they’re irritating as hell. It’s just stretching out a storyline point that can be resolved in one segment (HHH calls out Steiner) rather than four (Morley announces that HHH will be calling out Steiner, Coach speculates on HHH calling out Steiner, HHH announces that he’ll be calling out Steiner, HHH calls out Steiner)."

RAW 2002-12-23: "Meanwhile, Treble Clef Morley and Bischoff think about taking the match against JR & King, but Regal & Storm (who are undefeated except for the time that they lost) offer their services instead."

RAW 2002-12-23: "HHH comes out to call out Scott Steiner, which we knew because we’ve had 5 previous segments telling us that he’s coming out to call out Scott Steiner."

SD 2002-12-26: Bill DeMott vs. Crash: "Bill works on the arm before the bell and shows his INTENSITY. Man, he’s so INTENSE and ANGRY and stuff."

SD 2003-01-09: "Matt Facts: He has a heated toilet seat and likes pulp in his orange juice. I don’t know what to do with that information. [...] Matt calls Shannon onto the carpet after the match and gives him a speech about trying his best, and forgives him. See, Mattitude teaches forgiveness. And gives too much information about toilet seats."

RAW 2003-01-13: Over the Top Challenge: Rob Van Dam vs. Kane vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho: "It’s truly a preview of the Rumble – people laying around on the top rope and flailing their arms and legs."

SD 2003-01-16: "Overhead suplex by Angle and Haas comes back in with a neck vice and the WWE Main Event Theory Of Yelling. Well, he can sure howl intensely, all he needs now is a sleeper and a spinebuster."

RAW 2003-01-20: "HHH comes out, presumably to bury Scott Steiner once and for all. Or at least we can hope so. Sadly, JR & King are putting over Steiner and selling the match as something special, so it looks like another month of pie-eating contests, posedowns and SCRABBLE DEATHMATCH."

RAW 2003-01-20: "Steiner interrupts and says he didn’t come out to talk trash, and then talks trash. He wants his rematch, TONIGHT. PLEASE GOD NO. HHH has a note from the doctor, however, excusing him from doing jobs for steroid freaks."

RAW 2003-01-20: "Meanwhile, Christian & Nowinski debate Rumble strategies and meet up with Uncle Eric, who hypes the Biggest Bombshell Ever. If it’s “The Greater Power’s Initials are VKM”, then we already know that one from 1999."

RAW 2003-01-20: "Morley and Nick Patrick join us, and Morley demands that the decision be reversed, but apparently all decisions are final. In what universe? Dusty Rhodes would certainly disagree."

RAW 2003-01-20: Trish Stratus & Hurricane vs. Victoria & Stevie Richards. "JR is all upset about the mixed tag rules being enforced as though anyone gives a shit if the men wrestle the women or whatever."

RAW 2003-01-20: "JR has a completely ludicrous rationalization of why Shawn was in the right to come back into the Rumble after being fairly and cleanly eliminated. I guess the Bible has a clause about being a sore loser in there somewhere, I dunno."

RAW 2003-01-27: "JR’s claims of a sellout and a “bulging” arena are somewhat undermined by the sea of blackened seats in the upper decks."

RAW 2003-01-27: "This is apparently the first ever Chicago Street Fight for the women’s title, just a couple of months after a street fight for the title at Survivor Series where Victoria won the title."

SD 2003-02-27: "Cole & Tazz talk about how Taker is constantly “changing his style” and adapting to new things like with Big Show. Somehow I can’t call wrestling the same match for 13 years and adding a bad chokehold as your new finisher “changing your style”, but then that’s probably why I’m not an announcer."

RAW 2003-03-03: "Uncle Eric instructs 3 Minute Warning to take care of Austin on the way in. Yeah, if I was faced down with 2 fat samoans and a hairdresser, I’d be shaking too."

SD 2003-03-06: "Hogan joins us to let us know that he’s just not going away. No kidding. Apparently all the kids are talking about his upcoming issue with Vince. Of course, all the kids were talking about “Bum Fights” for a while, too. Kinda amounts to the same thing, really. They argue about who created Hulkamania (nothing like a couple of 50 year old guys arguing about stuff that happened 20 years ago to heat up a match) and trade petty insults."

SD 2003-03-06: "Earlier tonight, Undertaker has a sparring session with Nathan Jones. I guess the deal is that Nathan, fresh out of prison, has never actually wrestled before and thus needs basic training. Well, that would certainly explain a lot regarding his blown spots and crappy matches on the WWA PPVs."

RAW 2003-03-10: "The Unlikely Duo Of Rob Van Dam & Kane v. Chris Jericho & Christian. JR has now upgraded RVD & Kane to “one of the winningest teams in WWE history”. That sure doesn’t make any of the other teams who have been together more than a month sound good. I mean, hyperbole I can generally buy, but winningest teams in WWE history???"

RAW 2003-03-17: "Hurricane v. Rodney Mack. Now let’s see if they’ve made a star or not. Hurricane gets a quick rollup for two as JR notes that Mack is undefeated. Yeah, those 1-0 records are really impressive."

RAW 2003-03-24: "Meanwhile, Chief Morley announces that Regal is too ill to keep demanding the RAW tag titles, so the titles are vacant. However, he names himself and Storm the new champions. That seems to be the preferred method of winning titles on this show."

RAW 2003-03-31: "Apparently Austin is a vengeful bastard, and he has a secret – his own doctors are telling him that his back is all screwed up and he wasn’t cleared to wrestle at Wrestlemania. Nothing like medical mumbo-jumbo to spruce up a quarter-hour."

RAW 2003-03-31: "Scott Steiner v. Chris Nowinski. Nowinski has a protective face-mask, and asks not to be hit in the face tonight. Scott disagrees."

SD 2003-04-03: "Brock-Angle highlights. To further show the sensitivity of the company, they show the botched Shooting Star Press from several angles in slow motion."

SD 2003-04-10: "Elsewhere, Sable finds Torrie in the shower, and steals her towel so that she can see her naked. Wow, bad lesbian porn for the elderly, by the elderly! Just shows how old Vince is getting. It’s funny because Marc Mero can be a thoroughly useful upper midcard guy and could probably use his name to make some stars with the greener OVW guys they’re pushing right now, but Vince is more interested in using his wife to fulfill his fantasy about lesbian storylines somehow drawing in millions of viewers."

SD 2003-04-10: "Fun fact: Sylvan Grenier got his job via Pat Patterson and his first appearance in the WWE was in the main event of a PPV. Hmm. Anyway, so far this year we’ve had Evil Mexicans, Evil Samoans, Evil Italians, Evil Homosexuals and Evil Canadians (Twice!), but THIS is the ethnic combination that’s sure to draw millions! I anxiously await the debut of a wrestler named Boris Jackemoff and partner, so that they can not only rehash the time-honored Evil Russian idea, but also do dick jokes at the same time."

SD 2003-04-10: "Nathan Jones v. Bill DeMott. Boy, all those weeks of DeMott squashing cruiserweights sure paid off in spades, didn’t it?"

SD 2003-04-24: "Wow, more A-Train in the main event. Hold me back."

SD 2003-05-01: "My mind is reeling at Show getting yet another PPV main event to stink up. Oh, wait, we’ll have that HHH-Nash match to carry the show, my bad."

SD 2003-05-08: "So Vince puts Hogan on the screen, “live” via satellite. We go through the ridiculous “I’m not Mr. America” stuff, and Hogan gets the line of the night by quoting George Washington and claiming that he can’t tell a lie. Didn’t he read his own book?"

SD 2003-05-08: "Los Guerreros steal the medals back during the celebration. What storyline advancement – Guerreros steal stuff, Team Angle steals it back, Guerreros steal it again. It IS the human game of chess."

RAW 2003-05-12: "Ever notice that Nash has almost as many nicknames as he does knee surgeries?"

RAW 2003-05-12: "According to JR, if Nash was a boxer, he’d be a puncher. Well, I should hope so, because those kickers don’t fare too well in boxing."

SD 2003-05-15: "Later tonight: More sleazy coverage of Elizabeth’s death. You can tell how much the WWE is one big family who really cares, by the way they lovingly exploit the death of a former star. That evil ol’ WCW would never have had the class to air the 911 call on a weekend recap show."

SD 2003-05-29: "Torrie Wilson v. Nidia. Cole notes that it should be an exciting evening, and my lie detector buzzes again. He says that this should be a good match, and there it goes again."

SD 2003-05-29: "Elsewhere, Vince tells his limo driver to stay put, even though he’s parked in a handicap spot. Now that’s a heel. Next week: Vince uses public toilets and pisses on the seat, and then goes around in the summer saying “How about this heat?”"

SD 2003-05-29: "Elsewhere, Stephanie tests the lie detector, and it’s complete with a cheesy little “ding” for a correct answer. Wow, that’s some super-futuristic equipment. I’m sure the people who actually use these things in real life will be happy to know that they’ve been learning to study the nuances of physiology and reactions for nothing, since all you have to do is hook up your fingers to a lie detector and it’ll go “bing” if you tell the truth and “buzz” if you lie."

RAW 2003-06-02: "Meanwhile, HHH has a cunning plan for later tonight. I bet it involves hitting someone with a sledgehammer."

RAW 2003-06-02: "JR admits that Nash knows how bad he is. Out of context, sure, but it’s still funny."

RAW 2003-06-02: "JR notes that the right hand of Nash can change the complexion of any match with anybody. So he’s booking again, then?"

RAW 2003-06-02: "I should point out JR’s remark that Nash has a lot of stuff coming down his leg. Seriously."

SD 2005-06-05: "Undertaker v. Chuck Palumbo. Cole notes that Undertaker will literally have to have eyes in the back of his head tonight. And you thought a one-legged wrestler was freaky."

SD 2005-06-05: "I know everyone probably had visions of Flair-Steamboat after Taker started with a leapfrog, but it turned into the usual punches and kicks soon enough."

SD 2003-06-05: Matt Hardy vs. Rey: "Matt saunters to the top for a SUPER YODELING LEGDROP, which gets two. Oh, man, he yodeled and everything, how could he kick out?"

RAW 2003-06-09: "Opening match: Goldberg v. Rosie. Truly we begin with an epic match."

RAW 2003-06-09: "It’s BONZO GONZO as Ivory puts Victoria on the floor (she’s a spitfire, you know – isn’t that what happens after strong East Indian food?)."

RAW 2003-06-09: "Stacy tries to save big bad tough guy Steiner from Canadian badass Test, so he gets all conflicted and then promises to make Stacy his whore at the PPV. Charming. Nothing like writing domestic abuse into a storyline for all the kids watching."

RAW 2003-06-16: "Austin interrupts before the match even starts and declares that Storm is so boring that he can cure Austin’s insomnia. Way to put over your stars."

SD 2003-06-26: "Tazz coins the term “manster” for Brock. Is that like a gay file-sharing program?"

SD 2003-07-17: "Elsewhere, Stephanie, master of disguise, dresses as a waiter and pours wine over Sable’s head, and they brawl. Stephanie gets her face shoved in a giant pile of food. How is that punishing her? Stephanie comes back and gets all psychotic, showing off her emotional range (“Shrieking” and “Shrieking really loudly”)"

SD 2003-07-31: "Elsewhere, Noble prepares for his big date, going for class by answering the door in his underwear and cowboy hat."

SD 2003-07-31: "Cena accuses Undertaker of impropriety with Jordan backstage. I think he’s got him confused with Bradshaw."

RAW 2003-08-04: "According to Jerry Lawler, Shane McMahon v. Eric Bischoff is a “dream match”."

RAW 2003-08-11: "JR interrupts (with no sign of burns), as Coach had heard JR was “in no condition to work”. Is that a rib or something? Jim thinks that Eric set him up. Wow, Captain Obvious, good call. So he’s gonna sue Eric. Thrilling. So Bischoff immediately turns around and sucks up to Ross, firing Coach, but Austin interrupts. Whatever happened to wrestlers wrestling on a wrestling show? But JR promises not to sue if Bischoff will face Shane again. And Austin just happens to have a contract, which usually indicates a swerve. And of course, Eric doesn’t want to read it. And of course, he signed to meet Kane instead of Shane. Wow, more humiliation of Eric Bischoff, sounds great. God forbid Kane face an actual wrestler one of these weeks."

RAW 2003-08-11: "JR kicks Coach out of the commentary booth. He’s apparently doing this against doctor’s orders. Wow, what a badass – sitting at a desk and talking."

RAW 2008-08-18: "Live from Connecticut, it’s Linda…and she’s sitting at her desk! SMELL THE RATINGS!"

RAW 2008-08-18: "The Fountain of Charisma, Linda McMahon, informs us that her neck is in pain, but she won’t need surgery and Dr. Jho assures her that she can be back in the ring within 6-8 weeks to put herself over Kane in the blowoff match. Okay, I made that last part up."

RAW 2008-03-25: "Chris Jericho v. Shane McMahon. Yes, this is your main event. No, really."

RAW 2003-08-25: "When the show ends with a guy getting pushed into a giant flaming dumpster, you know it’s a write-off."

RAW 2003-09-08: "Coach and Snow are in the ring to make fun of JR, and we get the HI-LAR-I-OUS “paste JR’s head on dumb photos” gag. JR gets goaded into the ring by Coach and lays him out, and then shoves Snow out of the ring. Oh boy, let me put down my $34.95 right now."

RAW 2003-09-15: "Meanwhile, Mae Young and Moolah are here for the yearly Moolah match. That’ll spruce up the show. Hilarity results."

RAW 2003-09-15: "Then the pathetic and absurd egofuck continues as Shane unveils a spare announce table at ringside and puts Kane through it with the big elbow. So they put an extra announce table at ringside, in storyline terms, just in case Shane was able to drop an elbow on Kane?"

RAW 2003-09-15: "Jerry Lawler comes out to challenge Al Snow right here, right now, in an impromptu challenge that was already announced on WWE.com’s preview."

RAW 2003-09-22: "Mark Henry v. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy attacks with the cane, but gets clotheslined and whipped around. Henry SHATTERS the…uh…thin wooden stick in an awesome display of strength, and a powerslam finishes at 0:55. DUD"

RAW 2003-09-29: "[RVD] uses the ladder to spear Christian out of the ring, and climbs, but Christian catches him with an inverted DDT from the ladder. Apparently that “had” to be a 10-foot drop, even though the ladder is 7 feet tall, maybe. [...] Rob climbs what has now become a 15-foot ladder (the laws of physics are no match for wrestling), but gets slammed off."

SD 2003-10-02: "Big Show v. Orlando Jordan. But wait! Show has intestinal problems, and runs to the back for the countout loss at 1:31. I guess that makes diarrhea Orlando’s new finisher. DUD"

RAW 2003-10-05: "Lita grabs a facelock as JR informs us that if we have to cut away to the parking lot, we will. Well, that’s good to know."

RAW 2003-10-05: "Gail tries a dragon sleeper, but Lita kicks out of it. Kim dropkicks her and shows her mastery of heel tactics, by pointing to her head to indicate intelligence. Good thing she cleared that up."

RAW 2003-10-13: "La Resistance joins the whiny side of things, with Rob Conway now acting as the mouthpiece. A beatdown on Shane results, and shockingly he doesn’t fight all of them off single-handedly and do the Shane dance."

RAW 2003-10-13: "Maven v. Rico. Kind of a far cry from the advertised match against Flair. [...] Flair is on color talking about his “injury”. Maven goes up with his flying DDT for the pin at 1:52. Flair of course makes a miracle recovery and lays him out with his crutch afterwards. JR thinks that we’ve all been duped. Oh, yeah, I was so duped. Color me duped. Didn’t see it coming at all."

RAW 2003-11-10: "Opening interview: Lita. Click. Oh, wait, I’m not allowed to change the channel. Sorry, force of habit."

RAW 2003-11-10: "Meanwhile, Val Venis and his hookers ambush Lance Storm in the shower. Apparently Storm is well hung. Well, that’s nice to know. For those keeping track of the WWE continuity with regard to penises, Jericho and Christian have small ones, and Storm & Venis have large ones. On the bright side, I’m sure the gay male demographic loves the storyline."

RAW 2003-11-24: "Booker T v. Mark Henry. [...] Booker chokes him out with a 2x4, but Henry bends a frying pan…and then doesn’t even use it. I guess it was just supposed to be really intimidating and make him lose his resolve to win or something."

RAW 2003-12-15: "So Foley comes out shilling the petition and hyping his meeting with the Bored of Directors (Wow! A board meeting! That’s edgy TV!) in two weeks. So anyway, Bischoff introduces a video package of Foley’s years as the Hardcore Legend, and he points out that the people don’t want to see Mick Foley, co-GM, they want to see Mick Foley the wrestler. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Mick doesn’t fall for the trick, however, so Eric offers him a match tonight against Randy Orton, with Bischoff’s job against Mick’s job. Wow, another match where the loser gets fired, haven’t seen one of those since, um, EVERY PPV in the last six months. Foley wants Earl Hebner to referee (oh, GOD, I hope they’re not going where I think they are – either Montreal or another twin referee deal), and Evolution & Bischoff banned from ringside, and it’s for the I-C title. Great, a retirement match with a million stipulations, my foundations are so shaken forever."

RAW 2004-01-05: "Spike Dudley v. Rene Dupree. [...] Spike gets a fluke rollup for the pin at 3:50. [...] Those ghastly ghasts, Flair & Batista, attack the Dudley Boyz whilst they celebrate Spike’s fluke over a jobber, casting doubt over the upcoming tag title match tonight. That’s SHAKESPEARE, kids."

RAW 2004-01-05: "Rob Van Dam v. Mark Henry. [...] We rejoin the match from the commercial with Rob getting bearhugged and beaten down by Henry, and he does the running rope thing (called “a devastating maneuver” by the professional JR), and pounds on RVD in the corner."

RAW 2004-01-05: "Austin stuns [Teddy Long]. Wow, he beat up a helpless manager, my hero. Austin, role model to children everywhere, gets plastered and then drives away on the ATV. I’m so sick of this guy."

RAW 2004-02-02: "Wrestlemania: It’s 41 days away. But what about HHH’s bodybuilding book? PRIORITIES!"

RAW 2004-03-01: "Jericho returns, however, and he’s got his camouflage khakis on so you KNOW he means business. That must be why JR thought he wasn’t here tonight – he was blended into the forest backstage so effectively that he might as well have been invisible."

RAW 2004-03-01: "Did JR say that his neurologist has serious concerns, or his urologist? Because there’s a big difference there."

RAW 2004-03-15: "Jackie v. Stacy. Whew, I was losing sleep wondering how they’d pay off that tag team breakup last night."

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 at 11:42 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.