The SmarK 24/7 Rant for The Monday Night War - January 27 1997
- This will be my last rant for a week or so, as we’re moving and the cable doesn’t get hooked up until next Tuesday. How I will live without 24/7 for a week, I honestly don’t know.
OK, first up, here’s the deal: We move on Friday and I don’t know how much time I’m going to get for the new 24/7 content before then, so I’ll record as much of my regular stuff as possible and hopefully get to it while I’m waiting for cable to be installed again next Tuesday. Sasktel shuts off my service on Friday, so I’ll be gone the whole weekend, at any rate.
But until then, it’s hardcore month, and there’s some pretty damn good stuff up now. First up tonight, I watched the famous Terry Funk v. Jerry Lawler empty arena match from 1981, the match that (legend has it) caused Jim Cornette to increase the ratings system from **** to ***** because it needed an extra star to express how great it was. Now, by today’s standards it’s nothing special, but Terry Funk is a total maniac in this one, piledriving Lawler on the concrete, swearing up a storm, and trying to stab him in the eye with a shard of wood before getting it kicked back in his own face. The ending is awesome Funk in his prime, as he cries to Lawler for help while his eye gushes blood, and then curses him as a coward when he walks away. There isn’t much to the match, but what there is, is nasty stuff.
Next up on my plate tonight was Flair v. Foley from Summerslam, which I still haven’t watched yet. Say what you will about both guys, but they can both bleed buckets when the situation calls for it. I really liked the down-and-dirty version of Flair here, beating the shit out of Mick and refusing to accept two different cheap victories, instead wanting to hear the “I Quit” out of his mouth. Yeah, threatening to hit Melina was stolen from Rock-HHH in 1999, but it’s been 7 years so it’s fair game anyway. It was actually so nasty that it was uncomfortable to watch at times, but I’d call it an easy ***1/2.
Finally, Rock v. Mankind from Royal Rumble 99, and man is this match far more interesting years later after you’ve read Foley’s book a few times and seen Beyond the Mat. Just adds a whole new dimension to it. Not a great match by any means, but incredibly brutal (mainly for Foley) and one of the matches (among many) that turned Rock into a star. But that’s Mick for you.
Also, even though I’ve seen it a million times, Blanchard v. Magnum is also up right now, and it’s well worth checking out for those who think ECW was “hardcore”. He jams a fucking CHAIR LEG into Tully’s eye to make him quit, that’s badass. I have not yet watched Shane Douglas v. Pitbull #1, because the guide lists it at 27 minutes long and that CAN’T be a good sign, but I’ll get to it soon enough.
I imagine that Flair v. Funk is forthcoming, although I’m hard pressed to think of any other notable I Quit matches that we’re missing from the set now. Regardless, this seems like it’ll be a good month.
Man, you people REALLY have too much time on your hands. Regardless, here’s an awesome document from regular correspondant Bobby Daniels, with all my Wrestlemania ratings from worst to best in spreadsheet format. Great job.
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pGbhUDF8VP1jIIlivVJ2IAg
Some interesting trends there, too, as surprisingly the blindfold match was not the worst match in WM history, and I’ve given a lot of WM matches *****.
Not a rant, just a runt.
I haven’t been recapping the ECW stuff because the TV show was never really about, well, anything, and doesn’t lend itself well to weekly recaps. It was always too anarchic to really build up storylines on a regular basis the way that the old NWA shows did, and matches were frequently clipped heavily.
Anyway, just a few notes on the show currently airing on 24/7, which was hyping November 2 Remember 95, one of my personal favorite shows ever.
- The introductions from Tazz and Joey are always great, and the inside jokes are even better, like this week. Joey starts talking about Tommy Dreamer’s ECW World title reign, which was so short that he never even got to wear the belt. Tazz quickly interupts and points out that it’s a “championship”, not a belt, which refers to the bizarre WWE policy of never saying the word “belt” or “strap” on the air. Just a funny little dig for those who pay attention, I guess.
- Nothing much more in-ring stuff this week — we get clips of Mikey winning the World title from Sandman, El Puerto Ricano jobbing to JT Smith, Hack Myers squashing DW Dudley, and clips of Scorpio beating Rocco Rock to win the tag titles in a singles match, setting up the horribly confusing Public Enemy v. Sandman & Scorpio tag match at N2R. In fact, the stipulations were so confusing and silly that they did a lengthy promo from TPE right afterwards, where they explained the stips to each other in confused fashion trying to figure it out. Essentially, it’s Sandman & Scorp defending the tag titles against TPE. If Scorpio gets pinned, he loses the TV title. And whoever scores that winning pin goes on to challenge Mikey for the World title later in the night. So logically, the only choice that makes sense is Sandman getting the pin to retain the titles, and then going on to the main event. Which is what happened. And you thought TNA was confusing.
- Cactus Jack nearly saves the show with a promo about how’s going to hit Terry Funk in the face with his own collostomy bag, but then that’s Jack for you. Runner-up goes to Steve Austin’s now-legendary “Monday Nyquil” sketch, where he bitches about Bischoff firing him via answering machine message.
Not my favorite show, but N2R is well worth seeking out if you can.
Live in a beach community 24/7 and you’re happy to go inland for the second busiest beachcombing day of the year.
My husband’s best friend invited us to watch UFC at his house and even though I haven’t watched much of UFC (or Pride or the other half dozen fighting organizations), I’m always intrigued by hand-to-hand combat and after reading ESPN The Magazine’s feature on Chuck Liddell, the whole event had that sort of special feel much like Mayweather-De La Hoya did three weeks ago. (I liked that fight by the way but it was more for the sharp-eyed boxing fans then the generic “I wanna see blood” fan).
Anyway, my thoughts on UFC 71 or as it could be called “Dana White’s Dark Day”.
– The PRIDE fighters (especially Houston Alexander and of course Rampage Jackson) proved they are in another league from the UFC top guys and I would be shocked if White even matches up his Triple-A golden boys with the Major leaguers from Pride.
– The Alexander-Jardine fight was probably the best one minute of violence I’ve ever seen in my life.
– Obviously Rampage-Liddell was highly disappointing from a UFC fan’s standpoint and probably very satisfying for the more advanced MMA fan. If Dana White didn’t blow at least a half million on blackjack, blow and hookers after last night I’d be shocked. In two minutes he saw his franchise get dropped by one punch. Liddell had done the major interview circuit this week and was truly the face of MMA to Americans. Now that face has lumps and bruises all over it.
– Even moreover, White’s luck completely sucks. He tries to push the PRIDE guy he feels would be most popular with the UFC crowd (Cro Cop) and he gets put to sleep in under five minutes and the he tries to market his best UFC guy to mainstream media and two minutes later Liddell becomes the next Who’s Who in pop culture has beens.
– So where does this leave UFC? White is stuck in a position of trying to find the best fighter with most mainstream appeal that wouldn’t get destroyed in a big match. What I saw of Dan Henderson tells me he’s a very skilled fighter but his charisma didn’t exactly blow me so I don’t expect Jackson-Henderson to get a huge amount of mainstream coverage. Don’t get me wrong, UFC will be staging the best fights but will they be the most watched fights.
I’m a complete novice with MMA so I’d love to read the thoughts of the more devoted MMA fans here. Was last night’s results as big a blow to UFC (from an overall marketing standpoint) as I saw. I mean Rampage Jackson has great charisma and is probably an interesting guy, but is he what White is looking for to be the star of UFC?
The SmarK Rant for WWE Judgment Day 2007
- Live from St. Louis, MO
- Your hosts are pretty much everyone employed by the company.
- I’m really, REALLY tired as I’m writing this, and I apologize if the rant suffers for it, but I’m moving this weekend and probably won’t have another chance to do this one for a long time, so it’s this or nothing.
Now here’s someone with too much time on their hands, doing the dirty work that no one else wants to:
“Hey Scott, the attatched is spreadsheet which currently covers all the WWF’s 70s/80s/90s matches, which you have given ***+ too.
Originally I did this to see which worker had the most ***+ and I kept a record for this using website text, but found it increasingly difficult to maintain, what with match duplicates and you adding new material all the time now, which is why I’m putting it all down on a spreadsheet.
It’s taken me a week to get this far, but I plan on completing the whole thing and including all of your rants. I know a database would be better for this sort of thing, but embarresingly enough I forgot how to use it. Anyway the spreadsheet is still in it’s beta stages right now, and I’m emailing to see if you would like the finished product, because to be honest I don’t know what to do with it after I’m finished.”
Well, for starters I published it to Google Spreadsheets, available here:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/ccc?key=pK0m6t7BNprJDEuui4RZ5GQ
This way it can be edited and maintained online.
Edit: I forgot to set permissions to “anyone”, so you should be able to just click on the link and view it now.
The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Prime Time Wrestling - May 25 1987
- I think I skipped a show, but you’ll live.
- Hosted by Gorilla and Bobby.
Not a rant, just a runt.
You can tell that even the guys producing the World Class shows are getting antsy now, because Michael Hayes led off this week’s episode by noting that we’re “finally” getting to the Flair-Von Erich cage match on Christmas night of 1982, which changes the course of wrestling forever. And not that I don’t appreciate some backstory, but really let’s just hurry up and get there so the awesome can begin. The show currently airing is December 2, so we’re still three episodes away, which is why I’ve stopped recapping for the time being. Really, the good stuff starts at that point. This week’s show was pretty good, as they all seem to be, with The Spoiler doing a double countout against Jose Lothario (who was looking old even in 1982), Magic Dragon & Kabuki & Checkmate over Bugsy & Brian Adias & Al Madril (Adias/Adidas is one of those guys, like Mike Rotundo, who had his name spelled multiple ways, sometimes changing within the same show! I think the official way is “Adias”, but I could never figure it out for sure), and finally King Kong Bundy over Kevin Von Erich. But really the centerpieces this week were an interview between Fritz Von Erich and Ric Flair about the upcoming cage match, and an interview with the referees about a special fan vote to nominate the special guest referee for the match, with the winner being…Michael PS Hayes. Dun dun dun! And now all the pieces are falling into place. Honestly, these are the shows where you HAVE to start watching, especially if you don’t know what happens in the title match (although really there can’t be anyone left who doesn’t, can there?) I almost did recap this week’s show, just so I could do a running joke about The Spoiler’s name, but this is good enough, I figure.
Also this afternoon, I subjected myself to another round of Pedro Morales matches, and after what feels like a million of them I still don’t get the big deal with the guy. Basically he takes punishment from the heel, slugs back, and gets the pin, and there’s very little variation in his offense. I’m not seeing the charisma he must have had to draw the reactions he did. Must be an ethnic thing, I dunno. The Hall of Fame tribute show was a pretty bad one, featuring the boring Ivan Koloff title change and then the IC title win over Don Muraco, which hasn’t aged very well but featured a hot finish with Pedro getting brass knux away from Muraco and winning the title. There’s also a terrible match against Randy Savage from 1986 on the channel right now, where Pedro wins by countout and I just DON’T GET IT. There’s rarely been someone portrayed as such a huge star (outside of say, Dusty Rhodes, but at least with him I “get it”) where I just don’t see anything from him in the ring or on the mic that would justify the extended push they got for years on end.
The SmarK 24/7 Rant for MSG Show - December 19 1977
- OK, this is a bit out of my comfort zone, being that I was only 3 years old at the time and 70s wrestling in general is kind of an acquired taste, but I’ll give it a go. Interestingly, the WWWF was part of the NWA at this time, so you get things like a Harley Race World title match and Dusty Rhodes as a part of the show.
