Royal Rumble 2007
The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2007
- Live from San Antonio, TX
- Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, JBL, Joey Styles & Tazz.
The Hardy Boyz v. MNM
Matt gets suckered into the MNM corner to start, and Mercury pounds him on the mat. Matt fights back after a double-team and brings in Jeff, who comes in with a mule kick for two. Nitro comes in and gets legdropped for two. Double-team by the Hardyz and Matt suplexes Mercury to get rid of him for the moment, and a neckbreaker on Nitro gets two. They go to the injured face of Matt, however, and work it over, which is certainly unique psychology. Mercury kicks him in the face and Nitro gets two. Mercury keeps slugging at the face and gets a hard clothesline for two. Finally Mercury misses a splash and Jeff comes in again. Front suplex gets two on Nitro. Whisper in the Wind gets two. The Hardyz double-team Nitro with a suplex and both head up, but it’s mixed news as Jeff hits Nitro’s knees and Matt gets his legdrop. That’s pretty unique — I’ve never actually seen a spot done like that before. And so, Jeff is YOUR raver-in-peril, as Jeff gets taken into the corner and Nitro charges in with a running knee for two. Jeff’s ribs appear to be hurt, so that’s what they go for. Double-team from MNM gets two. Jeff rolls up Mercury for two, but Mercury pounds on the ribs again to keep him down. MNM with the double gutbuster for two, but Matt breaks it up. Nitro goes to a bodyscissors, but Jeff fights out and makes the tag…which the ref doesn’t see, naturally. Finally, it’s hot tag Matt, and he does the bulldog/clothesline combo for two on Nitro. Yodelling elbow gets two. Way to change it up, Matt. MNM comes back with an attempt at a Snapshot, but Jeff breaks it up and they get Poetry in Motion. Another one is missed by Jeff, and Nitro cradles Matt for two. Matt comes back with the Side Effect and Twist of Fate, but Mercury takes him out. Jeff goes up, however, and finishes with the swanton bomb.
(The Hardy Boyz d. MNM, Jeff Hardy swanton — pin Nitro, 15:27, ***) Pretty much a formula Hardy match, as they’ve pretty much squandered every cent they could have made out of the Hardy reunion at this point.
- Meanwhile, Edge and Orton draw their numbers for the Rumble and mock Kelly Kelly (who is an exhibitionist).
ECW “World” title: Bobby Lashley v. Test
Shoving match to start and Test stomps away and chokes him down, but Lashley hits him with a t-bone suplex. Delayed vertical suplex and Test bails, but he suckers Lashley into standing the apron long enough for a trip into the post. Great, now we get to watch him try to sell. Back in, Test gets two. We go to an armbar, and you know Test means business because he cycles through his two facial expressions and gives us “Angry Test”. And we stay on the armbar for a while, as Test’s face just does not change. Did he get Botox done or something? I mean, sure, he’s expanded his range of emotion by 100%, but geez. Lashley backdrops him and follows with a corner clothesline and some shoulderblocks in the corner, but his arm gives out on a press-slam attempt. Big boot from Test gets two, and it’s ANGRY TEST again. F5 is escaped by Lashley, and he clotheslines Test to the floor (causing him to shift facial expressions to “Confused and/or Injured Test”) and Test walks out on the match. Countout finishes are EXTREME!
(Lashley d. Test, countout, 7:10, 1/2*) Well that was pretty fucking lame. Nothing like a match where no one gets over and the fans boo both guys. Lashley destroys Test afterwards to complete the burial.
- Meanwhile, Vince wants John Cena to lose. And John’s injured too. Uh oh, he’s facing impossible odds! He can’t possibly win, can he?
Smackdown World title: Batista v. Mr. Kennedy
Frankly I’m surprised that no one has brought up the weird coincidence of a guy named “Batista” fighting a guy named “Kennedy”. It’s a political allegory and they didn’t even realize it. Look for Batista to get beaten by a guy named Castro next time they do a tour of Cuba, I guess. JBL notes that the fans are on their feet because they get to see a World title match, which is a rarity. On a show with THREE OF THEM. Well, he’s trying. Kennedy slugs away to start and gets a rollup for two. Batista is all in his face and stuff, so Kennedy hammers away until Batista slugs back. Suplex gets two for Batista. They fight out of the ring and do nothing, and back in for more punching from Dave. Kennedy goes to the knee, however, and starts working on it. Somehow that gets two. Kennedy wraps him up in a reverse figure-four, but he uses the ropes and gets caught. Back to the knee as Kennedy is apparently suffering a nosebleed. Lay off the yayo, Ken. Running boot in the corner gets two. Kennedy goes to a half-crab, but Batista counters to a small package for two. He tries a powerslam, but Kennedy sneaks out and clips him. He walks into a spinebuster, but Batista can’t cover. He fights back and no-sells some stuff, getting a standing backdrop and corner clothesline. Awkward slam and Regal Roll cues the comeback, but Kennedy hits the knee again to block the Batista Bomb. Ref is bumped, but Kennedy gets a DDT for two. The crowd actually starts chanting for Kennedy, but he goes up and lands on a Batista clothesline. Batista Bomb ends it.
(Batista d. Mr. Kennedy, Batista Bomb — pin, 10:24, **) Not bad, actually, which is a pleasant surprise given how how much of a shitty non-roll Batista has been since the comeback. They kept it basic and short and thus Batista was exposed less than usual. I wouldn’t bring it home to marry my daughter or anything, but it didn’t make me want to rip my own arm off, so huzzah.
- Meanwhile, the Little Bastard meets The Great Khali. Hilarity ensues and Ron Simmons says “Damn”.
- Speaking of hilarity, intentional or not, The Marine comes out on Tuesday, you know.
- Wrestlemania 23: 63 days away. Maybe by then they’ll have a direction for the main event.
RAW World title: John Cena v. Umaga, Last Man Standing
Cena is wearing the DDP rib tape tonight. Gee, I wonder what the story of the match will be? They slug it out and Cena gets a jawbreaker, but Umaga hits him in the ribs and Cena bails. Pussy. Umaga slugs him off the apron and sends him into the steps, but sadly he’s not coughing up blood yet. C’mon, John, be a man and bite down on that condom full of red liquid! They down the aisle and Cena brings him back to ringside, but he forgets the first rule of wrestling: Samoans have hard heads. Well, maybe not the FIRST rule of wrestling, but it’s up there. Back in, Umaga headbutts him down and kicks him in the ribs again, and Cena keeps trying to run away, like little boys from Rob Feinstein…
…allegedly.
Umaga lays him out with the clothesline, but Cena , fearing for his merchandising cut, makes it up at 7. Umaga gets the stairs as Cena beats another count and then recovers the stairs himself and tosses them at Umaga to knock him out. Oh, what a role model, using the stairs as a weapon. What a jerk. Umaga beats the count and goes back to the ribs, via a bearhug, but then stops and grabs another set of stairs. Well, Cena deserves it for using them the last time. They get set up in the corner and Cena sits against them, but the RUNNING ASS OF DEATH misses and Cena uses the stairs again. Umaga answers the count at 7. Cena goes up, but gets caught in a uranage on the way down. Hah, serves him right. Umaga goes back to the ribs, but Cena kicks him in the nuts to stop him. Just can’t fight fair, can you? Blue Thunder bomb on the stairs and both guys are down, but Cena is up first, probably by some sort of illegal supplement, and the F-U on the stairs follows. Cena, however, hits his head on the way down, showing that poor sportsmanship is never rewarded. Except in real life. Cena starts bleeding to go along with the taped ribs, and now the crowd catches onto his bad attitude and starts telling him that he sucks. Umaga slugs him down, but John fights up again. I’d test the blood dripping off his face for drugs if I was them. Cena, obviously high on goofballs, hulks up, but Umaga hits him with a samoan drop. This sets up the THUMB OF DEATH, but Cena blocks it. Umaga hangs him in the Tree of Woe, but Cena dodges a charging Umaga and goes up with a top rope legdrop, then cheats again by sending him into the post. Just to really hammer home what a dirty cheat he is, he uses a monitor, thus adding destruction of private property to his list of transgressions tonight, but Umaga is up at 8. Man, the WWE is gonna be screwed if they ever switch to LCD monitors like the rest of the world. Cena comes off the apron, but Umaga sends him into the post and it’s onto the ECW table. Umaga preps all of the announce tables, and then charges across all of them, before missing and belly-flopping through the ECW one. Now that was unique. Umaga is up at 9, however. Estrada undoes a turnbuckle while Umaga recovers and heads back in. So the entire top rope is dislodged, which seems a bit involved when just giving him the WRENCH would have sufficed just as well. Umaga, of course, misses his big chance, and Cena uses the loose rope to choke him out like the no-good cheat that he is. Umaga pops right up again, so Cena chokes him out again, adding attempted murder to his rap sheet tonight.
(John Cena d. Umaga, STFU — knockout, 22:40, ****) Oh, sure, Cena won, but at what cost? His SOUL? The lives of kids everywhere who idolize this cheating maniac? For SHAME, WWE. OK, the match was pretty cool, though.
- That commercial with the little kids is pretty creepy.
- Meanwhile, Ric Flair draws his number and dances with random chicks. Uh, OK.
Royal Rumble:
90 second intervals this year, which should work out well, time-wise. So Ric Flair draws #1 for the second time in his career, and Finlay is #2. This should be interesting, actually. Finlay gives him a drubbing in the corner and tries to get him out, but Kenny is #3 and he of course goes after Ric. Finlay kind of hangs back and takes his shots as they come. Matt Hardy is #4, working twice tonight. Side Effect for Kenny, but he can’t toss him. Kenny and Finlay go back to working Flair over, and Edge is #5. Spears for all! Matt hits him with the Twist of Fate to stop the path of rage, and everyone is out. Flair decides to get a chair, but Edge tosses him. Well, that went about as bad as it could for him. Kenny celebrates, so Edge turns on him and dumps him. Ha! Serves him right for taking credit for other’s work. Tommy Dreamer is #6 and goes after Edge, dropkicking him in the Tree of Woe before getting taken down by Finlay. Edge and Matt continue like private war, and Sabu is #7. It’s table time already. He sets one up at ringside and heads in to pound on Dreamer. Gregory Helms is #8 and goes after Matt, as Sabu almost gets Finlay out and then chokes him down instead. Not much going on and Shelton Benjamin is #9. He can’t throw either Matt or Helms through the table at ringside. Nor can Finlay. That table had better be setting up a really big spot later given this buildup.
Kane is #10 and everyone panics, rightfully so because Kane starts hitting people unimpeded. Goodnight, Dreamer! So long, Sabu! Kane chokeslams him through the table to pay it off. Could’ve been better. CM Punk is #11, and immediately gets pounded by Finlay. So much for his push. King Booker is #12 and Helms is gone as a result. Super Crazy is #13, and I’m sure that won’t make much of a dent. Kane beats on him right away, and some other people for good measure. Jeff Hardy is #14 and teams with Matt against Finlay, and then against Edge and Crazy. They even get Poetry in Motion on Kane, and Sandman is #15. He canes some people…and gets tossed by Booker 10 seconds into his appearance. Well that was a letdown. Hardy gets tossed by Finlay, but skins the cat back in. Same deal with Punk. Randy Orton is #16, as the ring is getting too full. The champs team up to get rid of Crazy. They go after Matt, and when Jeff tries to save they dump him. And then Matt, just to rub it in. That’s a little better. Chris Benoit is #17, and he’s chop crazy! Finlay eats a german suplex as Punk hangs on for his life. Finally Finlay clobbers him to slow him down, but can’t get him out. Rob Van Dam is #18, and he kicks lots of people. Kane uses that advantage to toss King Booker, thus ending his dream of a rematch. Booker doesn’t take it well and eliminates Kane in retribution. Well, there’s a feud for you. Viscera is #19 and he goes after Edge, and it’s a lot of kicking and punching.
Johnny Nitro is #20, and gets nowhere fast. Much like this match. Kevin Thorn is #21 and does nothing. RVD goes after Viscera, but can’t get him out alone. Hardcore Holly is #22 as we’re really into the doldrums now. Kick, punch, choke. There’s just nothing going on, and there’s too many people in the ring. Finally everyone gets smart and goes after Viscera as Shawn Michaels is #23. He goes after Finlay for whatever reason and dumps him, ending his 30 minute run. Superkick for Vis, and that’s what everyone needs to get him out. Shelton charges at Shawn and goes bye-bye. Chris Masters is #24. I’m sure they’re all shaking Nitro gets tossed, didn’t catch why. Replay shows that Benoit knocked him off the top rope. People who go up the ropes in Rumbles are idiots. Team RKO works on Shawn in the corner as Chavo Guerrero is #25. Benoit powers Thorn out on the ropes, which is one of the rare times you see someone actually fighting for the elimination like that and getting it. MVP is #26, but Benoit starts chopping him. RVD dropkicks Masters out while Orton pounds Punk on the apron, but can’t get him out. Carlito is #27, and he goes after Orton & Edge. RVD nearly gets Michaels out, but Holly makes the save. Great Khali is #28, and at least he’ll probably toss some people out. Everyone stops and readies themselves for him, but he fights off everyone. It’s the Elephant’s Graveyard out there as he lays out the whole pack, and Miz is #29. Khali tosses him, thankfully. Benoit is gone, Holly is gone, Punk is gone, RVD is gone, Carlito is gone, Chavo is gone. Is there no stopping the path of suck? Undertaker is #30, the one time I’m glad to see him.
Taker fires away on Khali , and clotheslines him out. MVP, odd man out in the main eventer mix left, is quickly dealt with by Undertaker. Final four: Undertaker, Edge, Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels. So really anyone can win. Orton gets a chair and lays Taker out, but Edge sets up for a spear. Whoops, awkward. Shawn interrupts the argument between the champs, but takes an RKO as a result. Rated RKO goes after Undertaker and pounds him down, but he fights back. Corner clotheslines for both of them and he clotheslines both at the same time. Snake Eyes for Edge and big boot, and Orton is about to be chokeslammed before Edge spears Taker to save. A rather nasty chairshot puts Taker down again. Edge gets another chair and sets up the concerto, but Shawn recovers and dumps Orton, then superkicks Edge out of the match. So we’re down to Shawn and Undertaker, as I’ve apparently set my alarm clock for 10 years ago and not realized it. Shawn slugs away in the corner, but Taker fires back and nearly punches him out of the ring. When Melodramatic Selling Goes Bad. Shawn takes another overblown bump in the corner and gets hung up, but Taker charges and lands on the apron himself. Shawn charges and hits elbow, however. Back in, Shawn gets a neckbreaker and they slug it out, selling it like death after only being in the ring for like 10 minutes combined. Shawn ends up on the apron during a suplex attempt, but tries to go up and gets slugged down. Both guys fight on the top, but Taker goes down first, and Shawn follows with the flying elbow. Superkick is caught by Taker, and it’s chokeslam city. Taker goes for the tombstone, but Shawn escapes and superkicks him. Another try is blocked, however, and Taker dumps him to win the Royal Rumble for the first time, and also becomes the first person to win at #30. And….the crowd is pissed. Wow, that was a pretty gutsy finish.
(Undertaker wins Royal Rumble, 56:31, ***1/4) The main body of the match was boring as hell, but the finishing sequence once Khali got in was spectacular, until they totally blew the big underdog win. This one just totally sucked the life out of the crowd. Just an average Rumble match overall.
The Pulse:
Well, the Rumble match mostly delivered, as the drama was good once you had no idea who was going to win it, and the Cena-Umaga match was a hell of a brawl, so it’s good enough for a mild thumbs up, but Batista-Undertaker is going to be a real mess unless they go with the more intriguing Cena-Undertaker matchup instead.
Adding up your times, this was just under 2 hours of actual wrestling, and half of that is a battle royale. Is that right? Over 1/3 of the PPV were interviews and backstage antics?
There were only 5 matches on a pay per view, which is a problem. However, 3 of the matches were very good (3.5 stars or better) which is good. There was only 1 McMahon appearance on camera wich is AWESOME (I am for banning all McMahons from being on camera for the next 10 years). None of the skits back stage were too long or too bad (I liked Edge ripping on Johnny Ace’s pet ECW slut and the midget biting Coach because, as Heenan would say, do not touch a midget you do not know where they have been).
I agree pretty much 100% on your comments for this show.
I had about 10 people over and we did a pool for the Rumble (yes, I know, we’re dorks) which made it far more exciting than it had any right to be. (Hey, how else do you make Hardcore Holly fighting Chavo Guerrero in the corner interesting?)
I must make note of just how over the top insane the “drawing” skits were this year. You had a vampire, a leprechaun, Ron Simmons, and the Great Kahli in one. In another you had Flair pulling a number and then the entire room turning into a porno movie. Just bizarre. Didn’t feel complete without the Boogeyman, however.
I really enjoyed tonight’s show. Granted, I missed the ECW title match, so I’m sure that helped matters some. The “10 years ago” comment cracked me up, and sadly, was factually accurate. I’m still pulling for the HBK heel turn on Cena. “Showstopper” Shawn would be a perfect Mania contender. I’m pretty sure that the build to Taker/Batista could be awesome, even if the match, well, could be another story. Nice review. Glad you got to see it.
Here are my thoughts on the rest of the show besides the first 2 matches I posted my thoughts on before.
Match 3 Botchtista versus Kennedy.
I agree totally with the 2 star rating on this match. Kennedy was game and tried hard, but he had a lump of crap to work with and there was no chance of a title change. I liked the working of the leg by Kennedy, but Botchtista’s only occasional selling of it (which JBL pointed out on commentary when Botchtista started running around) and bland offense (MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER) ruined the story. 3 years from now Vince is going to be kicking himself for all the time and money he has wasted trying to get Botchtista over.
Match 3 Cena versus Samoa Joe Part Deux
I go 3.5 stars on this match, it was not 4 stars. The finish was innovative and there were a couple of other cute spots (like tossing the ring steps, and using the monitor to hit the other guy rather than just taking them off the table for no reason prior to a table bump). However, the rest of the match was just a punch / kick fest and there was no doubt who would win it (especially with the UNRATED edition of the Marine hitting video store shelves). Umaga should never wrestle another match over 5 minutes because his offense is terribly limited and his act gets stale real fast (see Goldturd, but not quite that bad).
Match 4 Royal Rumble
I liked it (it had a beat and I could dance to it). I go 4 stars because it was way better than 3.25 stars. Admittedly , it took the hot ending to save it, and save it the ending did. The guy I thought would win won and the 3 guys I expected to be in there at the end were (Orton, Michaels, Undertaker).
The Undertaker versus Michaels clash was awesome and I marked out hard. They should work each other in the Wrestlemania main event. If I never have to see Giant Crappy do his weak ass chops and head butts again I will be happy. I was way less than thrilled with the Booker / Kane crap, but it gives then their annual meaningless mid card match to work at Wrestlemania.
Shawn winning would have been feel good and I was rooting hard for the Heartbreak Kid. However, Undertaker winning makes more sense since McMahon still has no clue what he is doing with the Raw main event, while Undertaker / Botchtista is set in stone. It makes me physically ill knowing Undertaker will job to the roid monster from the deep (I think that was Botchtista’s name in Ohio Valley), but it will happen (I think if Taker has to job it should be to Edge or Cena, who can actually draw, but Stephanie and Vince know best).
I think Miz beat the Sheepwhacker Luke record for quickest elimination of a lame ass act, but I have to wait for the official Olympic committee ruling on that. All the ECW guys were buried, but ECW is deader than Frank Gotch so nobody cares. It felt like 1995 when Holly and Mabel went head to head, and that is not a good thing. I am glad that the number 30 guy finally did win so now in future Rumbles it will finally mean something when a guy enters at number 30 (Taker is from Texas like Michaels, so I think those fans will not be too mad Michaels lost).
This show gets a thumbs up from me. Probably worth $35 and not the $40 I paid, but still solid. Wrestlemania still looks like a train wreck in the making with no clear direction. The fact is the wrestling industry just is in a piss poor state right now in terms of lack of quality workers and fresh match ups and that is particularly biting McMahon squarely in the ass right now.
I quite liked this event, but that may have more to do with my extreme low expectations coming in. This was also the first WWE PPV I ordered since WM21 showing how down on the product I am. Anywho they did everything right with the Rumble this year as opposed to last year, with the Rumble match going on LAST and having a main-eventer win the thing to make it mean something. While I usually bash UT, it was nice to finally have him win one of these things.
I thought the opener was really good and the match of the night. Great old school tag wrestling. I haven’t watched the weekly shows in some time; is this making a comeback? The feud seems dead from what I’ve been reading, but the match itself was pretty darn good.
Test/Lashley was bunk. Put ECW out to pasture and be done with it. See the 30 second burial of Sandman in the Rumble for another example.
DAVE/Kennedy was what it was. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it either. In some of the promo videos, DAVE looks bald and has that freaky Leviathan look from his OVW days.
Cena/Umaga. Hmmm, I appreciated what they did out there, and it WAS a pretty good brawl, but for some reason, I just didn’t like the match.
The Rumble was ok. I rather liked the mini-match with Shawn and Taker at the end, but to be honest, I watched that after the rest of the Rumble literally put me to sleep, so maybe it’s just better as two veiwings. I don’t really have an issue with a Taker/DAVE main at WM, though I think Cena/HBK might have been a better choice. Who knows, it still might be?
Anyway, decent show. First I’ve gotten since WM, and the opener and the finish to the rumble match were decent enough to warrant my cash, so yay. Thanks for the rant Scott.
If this Rumble proved anything, it’s that there’s a shocking lack of fresh top-level talent. The same old faces are dominating and the guys who should be breaking into the main event scene - Benjamin/Carlito/Punk/ etc are nowhere near it. It’s nigh impossible to come up with a dedent Wrestlemania card as all the top guys have fought each other a billion times before and there’s very little coming through. I really hope that over the next year the WWE will at least take a chance on some of these guys and see what happens.
I think the Rumble proved thet 3 men are carrying the entire wrestling industry right now (Triple H, Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels). This is a bad thing since Triple H is out for 6 months, Undertaker is a part timer who seems to want to be retired, and Michaels has 2 bad knees and a bad back. The homo grown young so called talent from Ohio Valley (Cena, Boreton, Botchtista, Lashley, Lesnar, et cetera) have been a flat blank zero. The guys who should be main eventing now (Kane, Benoit, Mysterio, Booker T) were held down for too long by politics (Triple H) and geezers who would not get out of the way (Steve Austin) so they became worthless.
I am a fan of Shelton, Carlito, and Punk, but McMahon will never do anything with any of them. Carlito was crazy over 2 years ago, so McMahon had the poopy monster Cena squash Carlito then jobbed him out because McMahon is afraid if Carlito gets to be a big star he will leave to work for his father in Puerto Rico. Benjamin was also over huge 2 years ago and got buried due to unspecified back stage heat (mostly from old timers and no talents like Bob Holly). Punk presently suffers from backstage heat like Benjamin (mostly jealousy of Punk’s talent and that he gets to nail that piece of ass Maria) and Punk has made it clear as long as he is making good money he does not care if they bury him or not.