Scott’s Blog of Doom

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for World Championship Wrestling - June 29 1985

- Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and the returning David Crockett.

- Black Bart joins us to start and says “Dag gum” a lot while threatening Ron Garvin, and lets us know that Italian Stallion is going to pay for his annoyance. That’s a main event in any arena in the country, Tony!

- Ole & Arn Anderson v. Roy George & Alan Martin. An apparent bad mood for the Andersons this week, as they go right after Martin’s arm with old favorites like the hammerlock slam, and then they take George to the mat and ride him for fun. Back to working the arm, and they finish with Ole’s flying knee to the shoulder and armbar for the submission.

- The Koloffs unsuccessfully try to bully David Crockett, and then promise to hurt Ric Flair and take his title. Nikita was one scary, badass mother back in the day.

- Ivan Koloff v. Gerald Findley. Findley, as per the last couple of weeks, gets a quick sunset flip for two and almost gains the offense, but Ivan lays him out with a forearm. Elbow misses, however, and Gerald works the arm, but Ivan tosses him to take over. Back in, the flying knee gets two, as David is openly cheering against Koloff. Findley makes another rookie mistake, putting his head down, and Ivan tosses him again and slams him on the concrete. Back in, he chokes him out on the ropes in order to make a point, and then takes him down with the Russian Hammer before finishing with the Sickle.

- Ric Flair lets us know that it’s time for him to become a national hero. Onto Magnum TA, who just isn’t ready to wear the $1000 shoes, $500 tie, and diamond studded Rolex. And then he shifts gears into babyface mode, standing up for David Crockett against Nikita Koloff’s threats and offering Nikita a job as his personal gardener once he gets done beating him around the country in the Great American Bash. Ah, Flair.

- Dusty Rhodes sends in a video from Texas, drinking his liquor and babbling about cowboys and barbed wire. The upshot of his drunken rambling is that he’ll have barbed-wire matches against Tully Blanchard at the Bash.

- Buzz Sawyer v. Jim Dill. Quick demolition by the Mad Dog, as he drops a knee and gets a suplex for two. Dropkick (and quite a nice one) gets two, as he picks the jobber up. He keeps yelling “This is for you, Andersons,” which Tony surmises is a message for the Andersons. Well, it’s not exactly the Da Vinci Code. Powerslam ends it. For those wondering, The Andersons never lost the National tag team titles, and in fact retired them in 1986, so if the Sawyers ever did get their revenge, it wasn’t in a title match.

- Tully Blanchard, dressed in his cowboy best, reminds us that he’s from Texas too and he’s not worried about barbed wire.

- And now, HISTORY. James E Cornette proudly presents the NWA debut of…

- The Midnight Express v. Dale Williams & Larry Clark. The bastards in legal EDITED OUT “THE CHASE”. Fuckers. How can you have the Midnight Express without their theme song? Cornette promises something we’ve never seen before, and that’s an understatement. They immediately starting firing off highspots, as Bobby drops an elbow from the second rope on Clark, and they double-team Williams in the corner while Cornette offers moral encouragement at ringside (”You hit like a girl!”) They just double-team the poor jobber into oblivion and then bring in Clark, as Condrey gives him a side salto and Bobby elbows him down. Condrey cradles for two. Condrey works a hammerlock, subjecting the guy to Cornette’s ranting for added punishment, and then powerslams the kid. Eaton comes in to finish their victim with the Double Goozle. The Express wrestled at a faster pace than anyone in the promotion at that time, and exploded onto the scene like the proverbial atomic bomb, changing tag team wrestling forever. This was HUGE.

- Jim Cornette gives his first loud-mouthed interview with Tony and goes a mile a minute, something that would become a tradition for the next few years.

- Jimmy Valiant v. Carl Styles. I was watching a Valiant v. Jay Strongbow match in the Hall of Fame section today, and it was literally so boring that it put me to sleep. 22 minutes of trading sleepers, baby. Before I can even finish typing that, Jimmy finishes with the elbows.

- Dick Slater promises he’ll sink to any level to get Kevin Sullivan. Hey, try stealing his wife, that worked pretty well for Chris Benoit.

- Black Bart v. The Italian Stallion. Bart pounds on him, but Stallion gets a bodypress for two. Hiptosses and Bart backs off. Stallion backdrops him out of the corner and takes him down with armdrags, then goes to work on the arm. Bart slugs away in the corner as we switch to the second hour, with Bart still in control. Bart headbutts the shoulder and pounds on the arm, then goes to an armbar, alternating with headbutts and legdropping the arm. Stallion tries to roll out of the armbar, but Bart keeps pounding the arm to keep him down. Stallion fires back with his good arm, but Bart just keeps working that other arm and Stallion can’t get momentum. Finally a headbutt backfires, as Stallion moves his arm and Bart knocks himself out, and Stallion gets a powerslam for two. Airplane spin, but he can’t capitalize in time, and Bart takes him down in the corner and pins him with the ropes. Stallion is ANGUISHED. With acting like that, I’m shocked he didn’t win more matches.

- Jimmy Valiant is out for an interview that will doubtlessly be longer than his match this week, but Paul Jones comes out to confront him and challenges him to a dog collar match. Valiant is pumped about it.

- Manny Fernandez v. Kent Glover. Manny quickly chops Glover down and it’s kind of a dull one as he works an armbar for a while before finishing with the flying forearm.

- The Sawyers are here and still pissed off at the Andersons.

- More with Cornette, as he lets the audience know how ugly they are, and issues an open challenge for anyone to give the Express some competition.

- Sam Houston v. Jason Walker. Houston dodges Walker and dropkicks him a few times, then grabs an armbar. The fun facts note that he was in the first Royal Rumble along with brother Jake Roberts. It blows my mind that they just casually acknowledge stuff like that now. Houston holds onto the armbar through a slam attempt by Walker. Houston slugs him down and finishes with the bulldog, and color commentator Tully Blanchard charges in and beats the snot out of Houston as a message to Dusty Rhodes, after putting the kid over for the whole match. That’s tough love, kids.

- Magnum TA has some words for Kamala.

- American Starship Eagle v. Mark Fleming. Eagle is Dan Spivey, during his days as a tag team with American Starship Coyote, aka Scott Hall. Eagle takes Fleming down with armdrags and holds an armbar. He overpowers Fleming with shoulderblocks and goes back to the armbar, and then finishes with a powerslam. And he was supposed to be the next Hulk Hogan?

- Denny Brown v. Paul Garner. Denny is the Junior heavyweight champion, which is basically the equivalent of the Cruiserweight title before anyone thought that a lighter weight class could be booked differently. Denny takes him down with a butterfly suplex and forearms him down. Slam and running kneedrop gets two. Oklahoma Roll finishes.

- Manny and Magnum throw their hat in the ring for the Midnight Express’ open challenge.

- Dick Slater v. Nick Busick. Slater takes Busick down a couple of times, but gets outwrestled on the mat, so he drops elbows to regain the advantage. Neckbreaker and he goes up with the elbow from the top to finish.

- Tully has some more words for Dusty, and we’re out.

The Pulse:

It’s the debut of the Midnight Express! What more do you need? See you next week.

–

Greco-Roman wrestling, a not-so-distant cousin of professional wrestling, is a key event in the Olympics. Read more about the history of wrestling in the Olympics, as well as historical facts about the 1936 Olympics and the 1972 Summer games.

I certainly laughed at the Aqua Teen trailer, unlike the Simpsons last night, where I laughed not at all. Much like Family Guy, which had a good chunk of its running time taken up by Stewie dancing with Gene Kelly. Good night for wrestling, bad one for animated comedy.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2007

- Live from San Antonio, TX

- Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, JBL, Joey Styles & Tazz.

(more…)

- Meanwhile, Edge and Orton draw their numbers for the Rumble and mock Kelly Kelly (who is an exhibitionist).

ECW “World” title: Bobby Lashley v. Test

Shoving match to start and Test stomps away and chokes him down, but Lashley hits him with a t-bone suplex. Delayed vertical suplex and Test bails, but he suckers Lashley into standing the apron long enough for a trip into the post. Great, now we get to watch him try to sell. Back in, Test gets two. We go to an armbar, and you know Test means business because he cycles through his two facial expressions and gives us “Angry Test”. And we stay on the armbar for a while, as Test’s face just does not change. Did he get Botox done or something? I mean, sure, he’s expanded his range of emotion by 100%, but geez. Lashley backdrops him and follows with a corner clothesline and some shoulderblocks in the corner, but his arm gives out on a press-slam attempt. Big boot from Test gets two, and it’s ANGRY TEST again. F5 is escaped by Lashley, and he clotheslines Test to the floor (causing him to shift facial expressions to “Confused and/or Injured Test”) and Test walks out on the match. Countout finishes are EXTREME!

(Lashley d. Test, countout, 7:10, 1/2*) Well that was pretty fucking lame. Nothing like a match where no one gets over and the fans boo both guys.

- Meanwhile, Vince wants John Cena to lose. And John’s injured too. Uh oh, he’s facing impossible odds! He can’t possibly win, can he?

The Hardy Boyz v. MNM

Matt gets suckered into the MNM corner to start, and Mercury pounds him on the mat. Matt fights back after a double-team and brings in Jeff, who comes in with a mule kick for two. Nitro comes in and gets legdropped for two. Double-team by the Hardyz and Matt suplexes Mercury to get rid of him for the moment, and a neckbreaker on Nitro gets two. They go to the injured face of Matt, however, and work it over, which is certainly unique psychology. Mercury kicks him in the face and Nitro gets two. Mercury keeps slugging at the face and gets a hard clothesline for two. Finally Mercury misses a splash and Jeff comes in again. Front suplex gets two on Nitro. Whisper in the Wind gets two. The Hardyz double-team Nitro with a suplex and both head up, but it’s mixed news as Jeff hits Nitro’s knees and Matt gets his legdrop. That’s pretty unique — I’ve never actually seen a spot done like that before. And so, Jeff is YOUR raver-in-peril, as Jeff gets taken into the corner and Nitro charges in with a running knee for two. Jeff’s ribs appear to be hurt, so that’s what they go for. Double-team from MNM gets two. Jeff rolls up Mercury for two, but Mercury pounds on the ribs again to keep him down. MNM with the double gutbuster for two, but Matt breaks it up. Nitro goes to a bodyscissors, but Jeff fights out and makes the tag…which the ref doesn’t see, naturally. Finally, it’s hot tag Matt, and he does the bulldog/clothesline combo for two on Nitro. Yodelling elbow gets two. Way to change it up, Matt. MNM comes back with an attempt at a Snapshot, but Jeff breaks it up and they get Poetry in Motion. Another one is missed by Jeff, and Nitro cradles Matt for two. Matt comes back with the Side Effect and Twist of Fate, but Mercury takes him out. Jeff goes up, however, and finishes with the swanton bomb.

(The Hardy Boyz d. MNM, Jeff Hardy swanton — pin Nitro, 15:27, ***) Pretty much a formula Hardy match, as they’ve pretty much squandered every cent they could have made out of the Hardy reunion at this point.

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for The Hart Foundation

- Yes, this channel is so awesome that they’re actually showing old Coliseum videos. RARE ones. This particular one is from 1987, released during the height of their original tag title reign in the Danny Davis era, so it’s all about them as heels, and thus is vital viewing for anyone who wasn’t watching at that point.

- Hosted by Craig DeGeorge.

(more…)

Just for something different, and because I’m ordering it tonight, stay tuned to the blog for live match-by-match postings as the Royal Rumble proceeds. 

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Tuesday Night Titans - 9/20/85

- Yay, cable is hooked up again after the move, so it’s back to WWE 24/7 and more cheesy talk-show goodness with your hosts Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred Hayes.

- Tonight’s first guests are Johnny V and the newly crowned tag team champions, Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake. To celebrate the victory, we get clips of a squash. Vince is aghast at the way they won the belts (lit cigar to the face of Barry Windham, which is a finish surprisingly not stolen since then), but Valentine claims that it was just good hard work. Wisely, Beefcake keeps quiet because he couldn’t cut promos worth shit back then. So Vince shows the title change like he’s an investigative journalist and it’s some big surprise that it would be shown, and the champs find it hilarious. It just proves that smoking really IS dangerous. Johnny V elaborates on the Dream Team’s previous lies, noting that he doesn’t partake in either tobacco or alcohol and only stays at non-smoking hotels. We get an interview with Windham, who is wearing an eye-patch like he’s Scotty Riggs or something, and he of course vows to return. They ALL say that. Windham in fact did NOT return, and jumped back to the NWA, leaving Rotundo stuck with Danny Spivey as his new partner. Valentine gets a parting shot, accusing Windham of trying out a new pirate gimmick, and they storm off to end the segment.

- Down in Tampa, we get footage of B. Brian Blair and Paul Orndorff helping to train kids for amateur wrestling. Orndorff accuses one of the 10-year olds of having a loaded kneepad, but not much else of note here.

- Now we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel, as the next guest is jobber Steve Gatorwolf. Vince talks about breaking the stereotypes of the Indian wrestler, and then we get a clip of Gatorwolf winning a squash doing nothing but chops and wardancing. The irony is not lost on me. His victim is the ultra-generic Mr. X, it should be noted, who looks more like a star than the pudgy and bland Gatorwolf did. Gatorwolf gives an interview about living up to the standards set by Jay Strongbow (himself just a WWF-ized ripoff of Wahoo MacDaniel) but ended up as a jobber just weeks after this.

- Next up, Magnificent Muraco and Mr. Fuji, as I hope for some Fuji Vice to save this show. Sadly no, as Muraco squashes Jimmy Jackson with a tombstone instead. Alfred is scared for the health of the jobber, and Muraco chalks it up to years of practice at hurting people. Vince questions the acting skills of Fuji and Muraco (as if he’s one to talk) and apparently next week they’ll get to demonstrate with a performance of Fuji General Hospital. That’s a pretty funny one, so I’m looking forward to it. And with that, we wrap it up.

The Pulse:

Bah, nothing to work with in this one. Next week has potential, however.

The SmarK DVD Rant for Roseanne: Season Six

And now here’s where it wasn’t necessarily jump-the-shark time, but the motorcycle was certainly revving up. Two moments in particular during this season signaled the beginning of the end of Roseanne’s comedy dynasty, but we’ll cover those when we get to them. One of them is of course pretty obvious.

So season five ended up with Darlene running off to college without David, which you’d think she’d happy about because he’s an emo little putz.

Disc One

(more…)

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania XI

- Live from Hartford, CT

- Your hosts are Vinnie Mac and Jerry Lawler

- Sure, this is one of the lesser Wrestlemanias, but of course the untimely death of Bam Bam Bigelow made it a natural tribute to him.

The Allied Powers (Lex Luger & British Bulldog) v. The Blu Twins

The Blu Twins are of course the Harris Brothers, back when they had hair. The Blus attack to start, but the forces of democracy clean house and then stop to invade Iraq. Bulldog starts proper with, I dunno, Jacob and gets a delayed suplex for two. Clothesline for both Blus clears the ring again and he grabs a headlock, but a cheapshot turns the tide. The Twins switch off with some uneventful double-teaming and a sideslam, which sets up a double boot to the Bulldog. The Twins do the switch and Eli gets two. Jacob goes up and misses whatever, and it’s hot tag Luger. Wow! A kneelift! Why didn’t they just put the World title on him right then? Powerslam and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM get two, and it’s a donnybrook. Luger might as well be calling in his half of things from a cell phone in the corner. Another switch and Jacob tries a piledriver in the babyface corner, but Bulldog comes in with a sunset flip to finish. You’ll note that once Luger jumped back to WCW in time for Nitro to begin, he became motivated again.

(The Allied Powers d. The Blu Twins, Bulldog sunset flip — pin Jacob, 6:37, *1/4) Not one of the more stellar openers in Wrestlemania history, for sure.

Intercontinental title match: Jeff Jarrett v. Razor Ramon

The presence of 1-2-3 Kid at ringside, in his pajamas, reminds me of a show about Hollywood marriages gone bad, which I guess came from the E! Network, and one of the segments focused on the happy life of Sean Waltman and Joanie Laurer, which actually resulted in Waltman being involved in a serious interview about life as a celebrity. What next, an interview with Joanie about life as a woman? Ramon and his bitch clear the ring to start, and Ramon slugs Jarrett down for two. That’s quite the punch. Another one gets two. Maybe it’s the smell of hooch on his breath? God knows that Hall and Waltman together in the same room is a recipe for disaster…

…allegedly.

Ramon blocks a sunset flip for two and sends Jarrett into the Roadie for two, but an attempt at the Razor’s Edge is stopped by the Roadie and they regroup on the floor. The Kid does his scary karate moves at Jarrett to chase him back in the ring, and Ramon gets two. I wonder if he did that before beating Joanie…

…allegedly.

Ramon clears the ring, but walks into a dropkick from Jarrett, who proceeds to take over. We hit the chinlock, but Ramon blocks a hiptoss with a backslide for two. Jarrett slugs away and grabs a sleeper, then takes him down by the hair for two. We hit the chinlock and Ramon escapes with a backdrop suplex, but it’s a double-KO. Although it could just be that only Jarrett was supposed to be out and Ramon partied too hard the night before. Kid rallies the crowd, but I’m sorry, I just can’t seriously get behind a guy wearing silk dragon pajamas. Ramon recovers first with a fallaway slam for two. Discus punch and Kid gets involved, but it backfires on him, like making a porno video with his girlfriend. Jarrett, now on a roll, takes out the knee and goes to a figure-four, but Ramon fights out of it, because I guess he got the really GOOD drugs that night…

…allegedly.

Ramon comes back with a backdrop superplex, but his knee is injured. Razor’s Edge, but the Roadie runs in for the DQ. Kid tries to save, but the forces of evil are too much, and Lawler notes that “The Kid just got hammered!” Truer words have never been spoken.

(Razor Ramon d. Jeff Jarrett, interference — DQ, 13:29, **1/2) Technically competent, but it did nothing for me and felt like they were repeating the script from Royal Rumble.

King Kong Bundy v. The Undertaker

Hey, remember that angle where a heel stole the urn and then Undertaker fought him to get it back? Well, this was one of them. The special referee is baseball umpire Larry Young, so at least the steroid use won’t shock him or anything. Taker goes old school right away and tries to clothesline Bundy down, but takes three times to get him down. Bundy responds with his own, and Taker bails and steals the urn back. He stops to worship the almighty flashlight contained within. Let us all pay homage to Eveready, provider of light and AA batteries! Kama runs out and steals the urn right back, but Undertaker is remarkably nonplussed by the situation and goes right back to beating on Bundy. Bundy comes back with a slam, which UT no-sells, and another clothesline puts him on the floor again. Back in, Bundy chokes away and they have an epic slugfest, which ends when Bundy drops a knee for two. We hit the chinlock, as apparently the drama of people stealing the urn and other people stealing it back has been exhausted and now we have to actually watch these guys wrestle…

…allegedly.

Taker fights up, but gets Avalanched, which he no-sells. He slams Bundy and gets the jumping clothesline for the pin. A clothesline? What is this, Survivor Series?

(Undertaker d. King Kong Bundy, clothesline — pin, 6:38, 1/4*) This was more one of those matches that sounded like a dream match on paper, rather than something anyone in their right mind would want to sit through.

WWF World tag team titles: The Smoking Gunns v. Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Owen and Jim Neidhart were eliminated from the tag title tournament under dubious circumstances, so now Owen gets a title shot with a partner of his choice. Billy Gunn slugs it out with Owen to start, and the Gunns work on his arm in the corner. Owen brings in Yokozuna, who quickly slams Bart, but misses an elbow. Owen comes in with a criss-cross, but Bart takes him down with an armbar and the Gunns double-team him with a double legsweep, then clear the ring. A nice double-team sees Billy hitting a neckbreaker on Owen out of a backdrop suplex position by Bart, and Bart sends Owen into the corner for two. A sideslam/legdrop combo gets two for Billy. Owen makes the blind tag to Yokozuna, and a legdrop kills Billy dead. Not even his gigantic mullet could protect him from that one. Owen rams him into the ringpost for good measure. Back in, we hit the chinlock. Owen tries to come in with a missile dropkick, but it hits Yoko instead and it’s hot tag Bart. Press slam for Owen, but Billy comes in and runs into a belly-to-belly from Yoko. Banzai drop and Billy is a pancake, so Owen takes the pin and the titles himself.

(Owen Hart & Yokozuna d. The Smoking Gunns, Owen pin Billy, 5:47, **1/4) This was an oddly structured tag match, with no real heat segment, and really just a sense of the inevitable title change to it.

“I Quit” match: Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund

This was the final blowoff of a rather underappreciated feud in the 90s — that of Bob Backlund taking on the forces of sanity and losing. Although Bob never really drew any money as champion, it still stands as testimony that someone, anyone, can reinvent himself into something of value given a chance. Except for Paul Roma, fuck him. Bret and Bob actually had very good chemistry together, as Bret was the kind of guy who could effortlessly work Bob’s ultra-old school style and make it look believable for the era in which he was competing.

Bret hammers away to start, and drops elbows, to no avail. He chokes away in the corner and Bob still won’t quit. I’m as shocked as you. Bret tries the Sharpshooter already, but Bob counters out, so it’s a figure-four instead. Bob reverses and then makes the ropes, but Bret stays on the leg. This part is not very exciting, so Piper clowns it up by asking both Bob and then Bret if they quit. Bob recovers and starts to work on the arm, but Bret avoids the chickenwing. Bob hammerlocks him on the mat and works on a weak Fujiwara armbar and then a standing armbar. This whole portion drags on so long that I have time to write a haiku about my feelings:

Montreal screwjob

Gave Shawn Michaels the title.

Fuck you, Vince McMahon.

Bret comes back with a backbreaker, but misses the blind charge and splats into the ringpost, which sets up the crossface chickenwing, Bob’s deadly and unbreakable submission hold. Bret, however, reverses the move into his own, and Bob quits.

(Bret Hart d. Bob Backlund, chickenwing — submission, 9:34, **) This was really much more boring than I remembered, basically coming down to Backlund working an armbar and then quitting from his own hold.

WWF World title: Diesel v. Shawn Michaels

This is one of those matches where it was the logical blowoff for the long-simmering feud between them, and makes perfect sense in hindsight (and mostly at the time as well), but it didn’t draw worth shit and they so completely overcompensated in trying to make Shawn look like a threat that it actually became sort of an assumption that Shawn would win the title here. The big swerve here is that Diesel has Pam Anderson in his corner, back when people gave a shit about her. Remember when she used to be considered classy? Homemade porno and Hep C is a bad combination for your public image, kids.

Shawn slugs away to start and gets a rollup, but Diesel escapes and clotheslines that crap out of him. Shawn, in his first shot at the bigtime, sells it like death before coming back to work on the arm. Diesel casually tosses him into the corner and follows with a backdrop, and then Shawn takes a nasty bump out of the ring and takes out an innocent photographer in the process. Back in, Shawn dodges an elbow and slugs away in the corner, but walks into the original elbow. Diesel follows with a suplex and big boot, and Shawn bumps out again. Back in, they both get crotched on the top rope and Shawn clotheslines him out and follows with a bodypress to the floor. He follows that with a baseball slide as they keep cutting a bored-looking Pamela at ringside.

Shawn goes to work on the injured ribs, splashing him from the apron, and distracting the ref long enough for Sid to sneak over…although not long enough for Sid to do anything. Back in, Shawn starts slugging him down, not really working on anything in particular. Top rope bulldog gets two. He slugs Diesel down again and springboards out of the corner with an elbow for two. He keeps pounding away and goes up with a flying elbow to the back, which gets two. Diesel keeps fighting off a facelock attempt, as this match has a really bizarre psychology about it, with the little guy dominating with speed instead of acting as an underdog. Their 1996 rematch told a much better story, with heel Diesel kicking the everloving shit out of babyface champion Shawn, but Shawn using that speed and brains to overcome the giant. This is just…weird.

Shawn grabs a sleeper, and Diesel miraculously recovers and chases him out of the ring, taking out the referee in process while making the comeback as they brawl outside. Back in, Shawn gets the superkick out of nowhere, but the ref is out of it. Sid undoes the turnbuckle, but once again irony proves ironic and Diesel counters with a backdrop suplex for the double KO. Shawn recovers first and gets two. Another bulldog attempt is countered into a sideslam by Diesel, and he catapults Shawn into the exposed turnbuckle. Sort of, as Shawn actually miscalculates and lands on the middle one instead, thus defeating the purpose of the spot. Diesel, oblivious to anal retentive wrestling fans snickering at the faux pas, powerbombs Shawn anyway and gets the pin.

(Diesel d. Shawn Michaels, powerbomb — pin, 20:40, ***1/2) Eh, it had a beat and I could dance to it, but it was pretty much 110% Shawn bumping his ass off to carry the match, and they had far better matches later on. Diesel and all the pathetic C-list celebrities from this show (The kid from Home Improvement! Some guy from NYPD Blue!) celebrate at the end as they desperately try to give Kevin Nash every rub possible.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Lawrence Taylor

This of course was the apex of Bigelow’s career, as he main evented a Wrestlemania and fought a celebrity. LT attacks to start and Bigelow bumps around for him, including a clothesline that puts him on the floor. Back in, Taylor catches a bulldog for two. He throws forearms, which is smart for someone who can’t do worked punches, and Bigelow bails. After some trashtalk between the two entourages, Bigelow gives Taylor a cheapshot and starts working him over in the ring. He pounds away. Powerslam sets up a headbutt, which misses. Taylor tries to fight back with another forearm, but gets sent into the corner by Bam Bam and choked down. Bigelow slugs him down, into a Boston Crab, but LT can’t sell it properly and Bigelow turns it into a leglock instead. Taylor makes the ropes, so Bigelow reapplies and LT makes the ropes again. Taylor keeps throwing the forearms, and suddenly comes back with a backdrop suplex. Bigelow recovers first and pounds him down again, then follows with the moonsault. He suffers an apparent knee injury on the move and can’t cover right away, and thus only gets two. Nice bit of disbelief-suspension there. Taylor catches Bigelow with his head down and tries a powerbomb, but only gets kind of a half-one. They explain that Diesel trained him, so no wonder it was half-assed. That gets two. Bigelow comes back with an enzuigiri and goes up to finish, as the diving headbutt gets two. Taylor comes back again and works him over in the corner, then throws another forearm to take him down. To the top, and a flying forearm gets the upset pin.

(Lawrence Taylor d. Bam Bam Bigelow, forearm — pin, 11:42, ***) Actually quite a decent match, with LT throwing effective forearms and consistently going back to them because they worked. The selling was hit-or-miss, to say the least, but for a celebrity match it was quite worthwhile. The Horsemen v. Mongo/Greene match at Great American Bash 96 would easily top it, however, and Bigelow’s career revival ended up flaming out soon after this. Still, he got to have his moment, and didn’t disappoint when put in the spotlight, so that’s all you can ask of him.

The Pulse: Not the WORST Wrestlemania ever, but certainly one of the dullest, as they trumped it up with silly celebrities to disguise the total lack of direction that the promotion was suffering through at that point. Nitro really was the kick in the ass that Vince needed.

Recommendation to avoid.